You are here

How many step parents give up?

Stepping sucks's picture

I wonder how many step parents dealing with difficult skids just can't cope and give up? I've been with my DH for more than 2 decades, but things don't get any less difficult! Now with SGD's promising to be every bit as needy and emotionally & financially demanding as SD, I'm getting to the point where I wonder if staying with the man I love is worth the stress I continually live with?

sheila_in_woods's picture

I gave up after TWENTY SIX YEARS of marriage to a man who treated me second best, if that, and allowed his kids to do the same. Always hoping, always trying, always waiting for change...never came.

Like you, my ex husband has grandchildren who are as dependent, needy, greedy, manipulative and nasty as on of his two sons.

I am now seeing a man with children (yeah, after I said NEVER EVER!) and he is proof that another type of man DOES exist - because I would have told you it didn't.

His kids NEEDS come first, but not their every want. They all treat me wonderfully and I am actually CONSULTED on decisions that will impact my day, my week, my life!

Best of luck to you!

Disneyfan's picture

Aren't you the one who posted about the 5 year old SS attacking you for 4 hours??? How can you say you are treated wonderfully when you have a blog about a five year old attacking you?

sheila_in_woods's picture

You can LMAO all you want to - there is nothing remotely funny about it. Do you have an autistic child or step child? Have you ever been in a situation like that where the child was out of control and you were helpless to do anything about it?

These are PEOPLE...GOOD. PEOPLE. So you make all the fun of it you want - I'll chalk it up to the fact that you really don't understand.

sheila_in_woods's picture

Yes. And my doubts are all due to that one incident. I'm sorry if that confuses you.

Poodle's picture

The picture I get from having been involved in that thread aswang is, that Sheila's problems arose not because of the usual boundary issues in step families but because she is finding it hard to get her head round the autism diagnosis of the child and what the implications of his condition are. Bioparents too (though they don't often admit this publicly) are in some cases scared about future violence from the ASD child when he becomes an adult, Sheila is wondering in the other post how possible it is to look into a crystal ball and see how predictable this kid's difficult behaviors are. It's not confusing when you live these issues daily as do the posters who've been talking to her. to me this is a very clear thinking lady, from the little I've got to know her.

Poodle's picture

I absolutely agree. The irony of her situation seems to be that she has the most difficult of skids along with the most reasonable of partners. The skid though is difficult entirely separate of his step situation i.e. he is not getting at her because of being her stepson, which is so often what we see. He is -- again ironically -- possibly completely oblivious of all those usual undercurrents. Just wanted to say that she did not appear confused to me, so much as conflicted because of the opposing pressures in her situation.

sheila_in_woods's picture

Right again Poodle. The child and I normally have a great relationship - I have even brought him to my house a couple of times for the day on a Sunday. My neighbors have a farm and we go see the cows and go wading in the creek, etc.

There are just none of those typical "step" issues as of right now. There could potentially be some with his brother as he has a very involved mom and goes back and forth between the two homes - but so far so good.

sheila_in_woods's picture

Aswang, you are absolutely right, he is NOT my child - thus the issue. As a veteran of a 26 year marriage with two step children, I am well aware of what a very hard life it is and I am aware of the potential issues and I'm not trying to imply that they will never arise.

However, so far, this man has gone out of his way to make me feel part of things and not once have I felt excluded or like the outsider. Could it happen? Yes it could. Will it happen? Probably at some point. We'll cross that bridge if and when we come to it.

Meanwhile, I chose to continue to be amazed that he treats the kids like the kids and the adults like the adults and I'm blessed to have the three of them in my life...thus far anyway. I don't know what the outcome is going to be since "the incident" - we have to discuss it still...which he wants to do but I need some more time and I'm taking it.

BTW, we have NO plans to marry - that has never even been on the table - my choice. I'm allergic Wink

sheila_in_woods's picture

I'm lucky to have met someone like him as well. Nope...you're right...we're all here because of something that is not easy. Not likely to ever get over my allergies...no worries kiddo. Smile

sheila_in_woods's picture

Yes. I posted that and yes it happened. If you read through the whole thread you might understand that it was more than likely due to the child's autism and was beyond his control and beyond mine. It was a very unfortunate incident for all concerned and has resulted in me taking a huge step back to re-evaluate everything.

Things happen in the best of families. There are others here with autistic children who have experienced similar incidents. I never said they were perfect - they do their best and I maintain my original statement that they treat me wonderfully.

Yes...even "that child" -- if I so much as cough or sneeze he is asking if I'm okay and offering me a tissue - that is the "real him", the "normal him" -- whether or not I can accept the WHOLE him is what I'm working out and posting in that thread and all of the wonderful replies I've gotten is helping.

boundryqueen's picture

I am feeling the sadness of realizing that after 16 years of marriage, my hubby will never see me as his first priority. His spoiled adult daughter will continue to need unreasonable proof (jobs, money) that she is number one. I am feeling very detached from him. I am sick of being disappointed over and over as they make decisions that affect my life. I am numb and sad and.....over it. They can do what they want. I am going to keep living my life and if my husband wants to join me, he is welcome to do so. I will not, however, live my life in support of bad decisions that he and his daughter have made without me. Whew! I feel better already.

annecole's picture

I have def felt that way at times. but I stuck around. we have my ss every other week and every other wed to thurs. of course, when he calls and asks for things etc... so I am fortunate bc if I had to deal with the stress of the ss all the time I don't know if we would still be together. IM being honest. a lot of it has to do with not being on the same page-me wanting to actually parent and give consequences to help him grow to be a responsible person, and my dh just taking the easier route, yelling but not enforcing anything. if we were on the same page it wouldn't be as big of a stressor. my dh has the guilt of not having him full time etc. so that influences his decisions. he also thinks hes not here all the time so why make him miserable when he is? ummmmm its called parenting, not torture.

Stepping sucks's picture

Ah, glad for you Sheila....trouble is I love him, he loves me, and when we are on our own life is great! It's just that he cannot deny his family anything, having said that he treats mine the same, but they are just not 'needy and greedy'! Seems to me his DD is never going to stand on her own two feet, and will expect him to support her indefinitely both emotionally and financially! I know he realises this is stupid and destructive....but is seemingly unable to stop it!!

sheila_in_woods's picture

I know...some of them just can't - it's a guilt thing...or something...I won't pretend to really know for sure because I don't. Whatever it is, I destroyed my marriage but it saved ME. I wish you all the very best. Enjoy those times when your SD isn't around!

Stepping sucks's picture

Yes Sheila, I think it's a guilt thing too, he left her and her siblings, so he will continue to pay for it! I will have to be just as devious and manipulate every situation to suit me! Thanks for the rant, it helps me get a grip!

sheila_in_woods's picture

Sure, I know you have to get it out somewhere. It's a vicious circle honey...they play daddy like a violin and he seems unable to stop it so they play him more. It's the dads who lose in the end I think. Sad.

still learning's picture

This is exactly where I'm at with my ss30. Do we have the same stepson? I've tried for 2 years but just this week completely removed myself from the picture, DH gets to deal with all the whiny, rude, leeching behavior all by his lonesome.

sandye21's picture

My marriage survived -so far- because I DID give up. I also had been through decades of SD / DH games - SD being obnoxious and vicious most of the time when Daddy wasn't around. DH discrediting me or turning a blind eye when SD's behavior was obvious to me and to all the other people present. When SD finally pulled a melt-down and DH ran out the door, leaving me alone to defend myself against SD and her husband, that was the final nail in the coffin that our marriage had become.

When I asked DH to go to marriage counseling he refused. So I went by myself with the intent of helping myself while gong through the process of divorcing DH. The counselor was wonderful. She told me to go home and make a list of DH's pluses and minuses. I also banned SD from our home until he could inform her in my presence that she is to respect me as his wife - non-negotiable. Later, DH asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Making a plus and minus list to see where this marriage is going." He immediately replied, "Let's talk." He had never uttered these words before. To this day 3 1/2 years later, I still do not know what his motivation was for deciding to work on the marriage, whether it was for his own financial convenience or because he actually loved me. He never again insinuated that I was over-reacting or discrediting me. It took quite a while to get over the hurt and mistrust from DH's lack of support and action but slowly, and without SD's toxicity in my life, our marriage has taken a positive turn.

Sometimes when we are at the very bottom of our lives, we are forced to take risks, and sometimes it's worth it. Life is too short to be miserable and constantly fighting off a barrage of toxicity. It sounds as if your DH is an enabler. HE is the problem. You are going to take a stand or get out of the quagmire. You deserve a happy life. Take whatever path available to make that happen.

sandye21's picture

No, DH never told SD to respect me as his wife in my presence. But then, SD is still banned from our house. I have an idea that DH gave SD the idea he would leave me. Maybe he took a harder look at his finances and discovered it would not be wise. What I found is that when you take yourself out of the equation, skids have no one else to blame but the parent. As a result, he has been non-existent to SD for the last 3 1/2 years. No calls or cards for anything including birthdays, Fathers' Day, etc. In the last 3 1/2 years DH has never acted as if he is resentful toward me. It has taken a while for me to trust DH but slowly our marriage has improved, and I believe yours can too. I learned a big lesson - respect yourself first and foremost. Others will follow or they aren't worth the trouble.

Stepping sucks's picture

Why do grown up/married/with kids SD's insist on referring to their father's as DADDIEEEE!!! In that false, high pitched, breathless little child voice?!! Mine is in her 40's and sends her father text's, (yes I damn well read them) saying 'Hi Daddy, thanks for the money, I weally weally wuve you...your likkle girl xxxxx' Yuck, makes me want to chuck!

Stepping sucks's picture

Hell, it's so hard dealing with it! Yes I know what you mean about the cards Catmom, my SD always sends her father cards with fluffy bunnies/teddy's etc, which say 'Happy birthday Daddy from your little girl'.....Jesus, the kind of card a 4 year old sends!,

Stepping sucks's picture

Well Poodle, there's the thing...her marriage is so far out on the rocks, she continually turns to Daddy wanting to tell him all the intimate details...which makes him squirm with embarrassment, and in turn makes her DH even more p****d off with her! A vicious circle, God help me if he leaves her!!

stepmomdavis's picture

I am done. I am planning my escape. I cannot live with someone who not only takes his children's side in every situation but actually allows them to abuse me verbally. Who abuses me verbally himself. I had never dated anyone with children before my husband, other than my children's father. I never will again unless they live on the other side of the country.

Our parenting styles are so different. he takes everything as an attack. If I suggest his son clean up after himself, get a job or anything adult. I am the bad guy. I just don't want to do it anymore. It may take time but I am out of here.

AVR1962's picture

I honestly wish I would have done the same. My husband did not want to parent his children yet he was not supportive of my choices. It caused us a great deal of hardship between us. At one point we talked and I told my husband that our marriage was failing which was something I didn't want for us so what did we do? We had a child of our own. It never made the situation with the stepsons any better and since I have felt trapped to stay in a marriage that hasn't really felt like a marriage.

AVR1962's picture

It took me a long long time and I dealt with so much hardship and hate from my SSs. I kept thinking that if I kept trying and I did the right things for them that one day they could see my efforts and we could be family, that never happened. With time things only got worse and I was always to blame. I heard so many things come back to me that I never said or did but by golly in their heads it happened. I have been with my husband now for 25 years and I finally washed my hands clean of it all about 4 years ago.

sandye21's picture

Same here. It took 20 years to finally realize things were not going to get better - no matter how hard I tried. Did you have a 'day of reckoning' like I did? For many years SD and her husband would come to visit and were extremely rude. I could site time after time when they would pull some sort of sadistic crap to put me down. This usually happened when Daddy wasn't present but even when it DID happen in front of him he seemed oblivious to it - when others around DID see it plain and clear. Then there was the 'day of reckoning'. They were particularly nasty, SD yelling at me, ordering me around, expecting me to be her maid, making catty comments. Their actions caused me to hit my saturation limit. I played a song by Coldplay, the lyrics said, "I used to be king of the world" and I thought to myself, "That's the last time you are Queen of MY world!" I swore the next time they visited I would not put up with it, I had too much respect for myself to allow it to go on one more time. The next visit they started in with the usual crap, I told them what they were doing was rude. That was the last time I saw SD. That was over 3 1/2 years ago, and I've never been sorry for washing my hands clean of it either.