Donna S's picture

Spoiled Stepkids

Hi,
I'm new here and this is my first post. I know lots of you have probably dealt with the same problems I have and it is such a relief to find out there is support somewhere for step-parents.
My DH is wonderful and it is too easy for him to agree with my point of view. I don't like to talk too much about my step-kids with him because they are his children and I don't want to influence their relationship in a negative way.
My SD's are 13 & 14. They used to be great. Not perfect, but lovely girls. I know alot of their behaviors right now are age-related, but it kills me how their mother handles them.
Lately they have become the most self-centered, spoiled rotten little princesses, and they think they are hard done by.
They each have cell phones. (My DH and I do not - can't afford it). They have computers and internet access. We can't afford it. They have a couple pairs each of $100 runners. I can't afford new shoes from Payless. They were the coolest name-brand clothes, have no curfews or rules and run around town like their are mini versions of Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan.
On the bright side - at least their mother spends money on them I guess. On the down side - they think they are totatlly entitled to everything and have their hands out full time. They refuse to ride the bus (our town is small) and the bus stop is right outside our front door. Instead they take taxicabs everywhere! Their Mom says - just give them cab fare I do it all the time. They never even have enough money leftover from their daily trips to the mall to pay the cabbie - but he still drives them all the way home even though they have only $2. They continue to do this because they know they can get away with it.
I am growing resentful for many reasons. I love these girls and I want to continue to like them, but it's very hard. They keep telling us about the nice car they expect their Dad to buy them when they turn 16. We drive a 1989 VW golf that is covered in rust.
Last weekend, the oldest made her sister walk 2 blocks in -40 degree celsius weather to the store to buy her a bottle of water because she refused to drink tap water. I guess now when they come over they will have a "rider" full of necessary items to make them happy. Including bottled water.
I came from a fairly well-off family. My parents had lots of stuff. They were generous with their kids but refused to spoil us. I never, ever, ever had $100 shoes. I took the bus. I took my first cab ride as an adult. I had a job. I was expected to help out around the house. NO WAY would they have bought me a cell phone.
Sigh - I feel like I have to fight to like them right now. Please tell me this will end. I am starting to dread the "weekends with the girls". The house is taken over every time they come, they bring at least one friend if not two who spend the entire weekend at our house and I end up feeding 3 or 4 kids every weekend instead of 2. Yup, the other freeloaders belong to other single mothers. (happy someone's ex-husband is looking after their kids I guess).
Thanks for letting me vent. I feel way better.


Elle36's picture

end it

I teach school and now I am also a step parent. When I see children who are spoiled it is not the children's fault. It is the parents who spoil them. End it. Do not pay the cell bill and explain if they want a cell phone then they pay. Go put the phones in their names, mom's name or just take them away. If they won't take the bus then I hope they like to walk. If they want certain shoes, colthes, etc. then they can have chores or get a job. I think it could be a case your husband doesn't want them not to come around anymore wso he sounds very passive and gives them what they want. What would be lost???? They come over with friends and leave anyway. How much actual family time do they spend with you guys. It may hurt your husbnand for awhile but hopefully he will understand that he is just fun land for them. If your husband won't agree to cut the girls off then tell him you will not help fund these girls and maybe he should get a second job. You should be deserving things first. I'm sorry for sounding so harsh....But I am all for making sure the family AND SPOUSE have needs and wants too. You two are the ones working!!!!

Donna S's picture

Spoiled Stepkids

I was a little unclear in my first post. It is their BM that is spending all the $$ on the girls, not my husband. My DH is very on board with me. I am very lucky - he has a good head on his shoulders. He complains about their cell phones as much as I do. For him, he burns knowing that she got the child support amount doubled recently then went and spent it on cell phones and $100 shoes. Just so she can look like a hero. Then she has the nerve to still complain about money and to tell the SD's that we have everything, we're loaded and to ask Daddy for money for the things they want. We can barely make ends meet and she is showering them with frivolous gifts and lets them do whatever they want. Yet, they still think their poor mother is hard done by. ARRRGH. This is why I am starting to dislike them. She is spoiling them rotten.
Thanks for your support though. I am very lucky to have a DH who is not afraid to actually parent his children. We are just sorry that she is the one with the most influence and therefore they will most likely turn out to be people like her, and less like their father.

Anonymous's picture

I have reached the end of my

I have reached the end of my rope. In the last few months I have grown to despise SD. She has grown up to be a spoiled ungracious rude girl and I have no idea how to fix it or if its even possible. She is 9. DH is in denial. BM is contributing, and since marrying her newest meal ticket it has gotten worse. She leaves a mess everywhere she goes because she has a live in maid at her meal ticket step dads home. She has no respect for any of the material things she has/gets and will break, lose, deface them without hesitation because she knows someone will buy her a new one. She comes without saying hello and leaves without so much as a glance. Doesn't say thank you or please either. I have come to dread the weekends with SD and count the hours until she leaves. All the previous years of scheduling everything around the custody agreement and what SD would like to do this weekend have left me bitter and with hopelessness that this is how the rest of my life until she turns 19 will be. DH and I also have a daughter together that is ignored whenever SD comes around because DH feels so guilty about spoiled SD that he brings out all the bells and whistles and waits on her hand and foot when she is around. I can barely stand to be in the same room with her. I know its not her fault. But yet I cannot help but blame her for the situation. Then I feel guilty for wishing she never existed and I dream of imaginary world where she really doesn't exist. The pressure of being step-mom, breadwinner and bio mom and wife/housekeeper are becoming too much for me to handle. There are days when I am ready to run for the hills. Sorry I got off on a little tangent. I meant to write and say I can sympathize. I have a spoiled brat SD too. And I struggle every day to retain what little positive feelings I have for her.

Anonymous's picture

run, again

See my comments under Anonymous
If you even suspect that your sd will grow into the kind of woman that your husband divorced, then RUN.

I've been through it all. Spoiled stepkids while raising my own child. Having to apologize for loving my child while my skids complained that they didn't get enough from their own mother. Depending upon me to pick up the slack and then get indignant when whatever I was offering wasn't enough. Today, my sd is a carbon copy of her mother and my husband is heartbroken over it. The little girl he loves grew into the woman he couldn't run far enough away from. He loves her but doesn't like her. He even said it would be awful if our own son grew up and brought home a girl like her. In spite of that, he refuses to tell her off and defend the rest of us who've been abused by her. She's 24 -- the die is cast.

ENOUGH! Unless your husband backs you 100 per cent, there is no chance in hell of finding happiness. The resentment will continue to grow until it manifests itself in the ugliest of ways. Those spoiled kids will grow into the worst spoiled adult toddlers you can imagine. Unless your husband puts a firm stop to it. They will continue to exploit you and him. If he's not on board, then consider alternate living arrangements. Especially if you need to consider raising your own child in a healthy normal environment with boundaries. Stepkids and their dads have NO boundaries. Overwrought with guilt, they try to overcompensate by overindulging their children. YOU will end up manipulated and in the middle of the mess wondering if there is a rational mind among you, outnumbered by your over-entitled steps.
AT 24 years old and a flaming rage-aholic -- I don't want her near my own child because she is so seethingly jealous. Not healthy and very sad. HOw nice it would be if only my son could have a normal older sister to depend on -- a confidante, an ally that even his parents could endorse.
We are cheated. There is no answer. Just save yourself and your own children.
Good luck, but if you look at these posts -- do you see any light at the end of the tunnel? People are writing about their problems in past and present tense and there don't seem to be any real remedies. I saved myself by resigning as SM and friend --- made it clear to my husband that I wanted no part of his family anymore -- that I was saving what little self-respect I had to raise a normal son. We are still together but I refuse to have anything to do with my sd and I limit my son's exposure to her.
Again, save and protect yourself and your own children.

Anonymous's picture

His kids are driving me nuts

We have a 2 year old together and he and i both have 3 other children from ex's. His kids are HORRIBLE not to say anything that mine are perfect but there mother is out for whatever she can get out of someone and has taught those values to her children. their grandmother gets a ssi check once a month and his 14 yr old daughter makes sure she has her hand out on the 1st. this all comes from the mother. his kids come over every other weekend (thank god) but the daughter always always calls the night before payday and always has a need or want. the mother gets child support but still thinks she is entitled to half of the cost of everything I told him you either get one or the other not the cake and eat it to. We paid for the birthday party of one of the kids we went to a hotel and waterpark invited his ex and her boyfriend and his kids. when the next birthday arrived she expected us to pay for 1/2 of everything NO WAY where is her expense for these children not only does she get $600 a month in child support she gets $700 per month for 2 of these kids for ssi for adhd. and still has the gal to ask and ask and ask... the kids go right along with it to right b4 school started the daughter said "i cant even get no school clothes, i have no bookbag. bla bla bla because nobody will help my mom" I said your mom gets plenty of help and if she can't buy you something 1 x a year with all she gets then that is just too bad..Looking at me grinning the whole time.. these kids are manipulative, greedy, and just rude and annoying. I can not stand taking them anywhere i mean she even asked my sister and my mom where is my birthday present like she is entitled to it. it would be different if we were rich or something but we also have a baby we have to provide diapers for these kids are not in diapers and do not require day care. where do they think we have all this money??? anyway i am resentful- i dread them coming over and they are weird, i don't trust any of them around my baby i think they may do something sexual to my baby because they act so sexual and even the daughter i caught her one time it looked like she was trying to put her tongue in my baby's mouth-UHHHHHH , it is horrible the way i feel and i know that is their baby sister but i don't like them around they are dirty messsy disrespectful and they act like animals really i know i sound harsh but i'm not the only one that sees this other people say the same things to me...Please help me

AnonymousPissed's picture

WOW! Sounds just like my

WOW! Sounds just like my life...... my husband ex is a MOOCH and she is raising a bunch of MOOCHES!! Praying for the 18th birthdays to get here fast!!

Anonymous's picture

run

Run. If your husband is not on board, then you have no hope. Run fast. Unless your husband sees it your way and puts his foot down, you stand little chance of finding safety and happiness for as long as they're in your lives. Those little monsters are still young. They will grow into Frankensteins and get better at conniving and manipulating -- trust me, they are just amateurs now. They get better with age!
Get out while you can. Seriously, I'm sorry I didn't. My husband's daughter has become a major disappointment, not just to me, but to him, too. Doesn't matter. As long as she's his daughter he's still obligated to love her. I officially resigned from taking the abuse. He still signs up for it and they have a most unauthentic relationship. It is sad, but not sad enough for me to hang in. Love my husband, but I have too much self respect to tolerate anyone's crap, especially that of his 24 year old "adult toddler". 24 is too old to excuse bad behavior as a "phase" to be outgrown. It is a tired old story, but not one you have to endure.
Find a way to seperate your life from theirs and protect your own child. Create a safe place in your life with activities and people (a life) that doesn't include them. Wish your husband good luck, if he doesn't join you. Good luck!

Diana Grass's picture

Rotten Stepkids

I live with my fiance and have for a year. He has an ex-wife of ten years and two sons that live with us. The oldest who says money is over rated and he isnt going to work did finally go away to college and to live in the dorm!!! Yeahhhhh!!!! But, the 15 yr old is still home and he is the one who is the ears and eyes for his mother. I am the first real g/f and serious relationship that he has been in since his divorce because she is such a cling on and harasses and stalks like you wouldnt believe. He never wanted to drag anyone into his rotten life with her in and out of the house and instigating the kids. The 15 yr old boy is selfish, rude, messy, dirty, and mouthy not to mention many more lovely qualities like his mother. He is out for money and something every day. His mother has him feeling sorry for her all the time and says she should not pay her child support so my fiance will not go after it. This boy calls his father filthy names and is out of control. I cannot stand this disrespect and idiotic behavior. This kid only seems to have one friend no one ever calls the house and when my kids were teens the phone rang all day. The ex is court ordered 20 bucks a wk per child for ten years and has never pd a thing. What the hell is that? Talk about dead beat dads what about dead beat moms. We need a website to post those useless witches. This kid will make messes all over the house after I clean and does not ever pick up anything not even his dirty clothes he takes off in the living room. He is useless like his mother. He wants money spent on him all the time and he acts ten not 15. I hate this kid. He seems like something is wrong with him but I cannot really put my finger on it. Please give me some feedback, my fiance is a good guy, we both work full time. I am definately the maid. I cannot stand things out of place in the house. We never have any privacy I had to padlock the bedroom door because the ex was being let in to steal my clothes and things not to mention she was asleep on my couch while we were at work. Please help, my fiance is very passive he has dealt with it for so many years. I guess he just lets it roll off his back but he also gives in to everything this rotten kid wants. He never says no to him. If he did it would be the temper tantrum from hell. I am at whits end in how to handle the rotten 15 yr old, my fiance and the ex wife. I have told her to go to hell but it dosent work she is like a bad chronic disease that never goes away. Please please give me some feed back.

MarchMom11's picture

I know how you feel... My

I know how you feel... My stepkids are spoiled to. My husband rather seems to want to encourage it... Compared to us they have it made. They have seaworld passes, go to the zoo, go on vacations, have family support, tons of toys- they made that known at Christmas at our house that they have tons of toys at home. Their mom has quite a bit of money and my husband and I can barely afford anything. What irritates me is how protective my husband is about his kids?!? He has identical twins who are his world. Then we have a daughter together, he gets upset with me because I said I hope we are going to have enough money to spend and do things fun with our daughter then he jumps on me telling me that even though we give them tons of money in child support I'm still going to buy them stuff even if I pay child support. I'm sorry I just need to vent because I never mentioned him not spending money on them. It just really stinks cause we already can't afford regular tv we have to buy DVDs to watch but the kids have all kinds of crap at their moms cause we pay for it. We don't even get to go on vacation, bur they do. Ugh! It's so annoying! Plus they get spoiled here as well cause they are his boys. Constantly going out to eat, always doing stuff that costs money!! And what's even more irritating on top of it is we live in a small one bedroom apartment but can spend money on taking them out!!