You are here

Frustrated!

Jhays295's picture

Any advice for a mommy to be with a four year step son that doesn't want to have anything to do with me? I am constantly being disrespected by my husband in front of him.

AllySkoo's picture

I think maybe we need a little more info. What is your DH doing? How is he disrespecting you? Is it in regards to "parenting stuff" for the 4 year old, or more belittling you in general?

Jhays295's picture

Mostly disrespecting me through words...I'm jealous, selfish, i only care about myself, etc. the SS is very withdrawn from me, we just get him every other weekend...I do so much for ...

lovehimhatehim's picture

If DH doesn't respect you then SS will not either. Have you spoken to your DH about disrespecting you? I assume if he disrespects you in front of his child he is doing the same even when SS isn't around...that is an issue in your marriage, not with SS. There must be love and respect from both of you if you are going to raise your own child and his. Have you thought about marital counseling?

Orange County Ca's picture

I wouldn't bother with raising a kid with this guy. In fact its the last thing you need right now. I don't know if counseling (assuming he will go) is going to help this guy but I guess you should give it a try. Most guys are pretty set in their ways.

Have you observed his bio-parents? Does his Daddy treat his Mama the same way? If yes its a dead issue he's seen it from childhood and its too engrained to expect him to change.

The kid is mimicking Daddy and only if Daddy changes will the kid be correctable. Unless this can be made to happen, change Daddy, then you owe it to yourself to find a guy who really cares and respects you because this guy doesn't.

Orange County Ca's picture

Jeeze I missed the "to be" comment on my first reading.

Well try hard for counseling but I'm pessimistic. Go alone if you have to.

Tell him on no uncertain terms that unless he quits he'll be looking for wife number three and paying child support for two.

Jhays295's picture

Thanks everyone for the advice. I am a full time teacher and very financially secure...it's that I don't want to be alone and pregnant at this point in my life....it's so hard to explain. I know he loves me, it's just the belittling! I try soooo hard to help with his SS. I even talk to the SSS mom on behalf of my husband! He will not communicate with her, I do. It is a constant battle of he said she said....lots of fighting and blaming each other...i honestly want things to work out, and I know I need to get counseling...he came from a broken family, I came from a family that is still together... Lots of differences. At some point, though you gotta say enough...I am afraid it is where I am..

AllySkoo's picture

Another poster here (sueue2) recommended a book for me (my SD is in an abusive relationship - no hitting, but controlling, cutting her off from family, etc) and now I'm going to recommend it to you.

"Why Does He DO That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft

Go browse a couple chapters, I bet you find it feels familiar. It will help.

Orange County Ca's picture

"Thanks everyone for the new...".
Submitted by Jhays295

Aha, you're here for permission. Wow is it difficult to throw away all of your dreams and hopes for this family and sure it will be embarrassing. But you're hardly the first. I suspect you now know why he's an "ex". Lets get this underway by leaving as soon as possible. Are you starting school soon? That would be a difficult time by itself so try and be gone by then or do it a week or so afterwards.

Can your parents take you in? That would ease things a lot.

viv4's picture

I was married to a man like that for 16 years- get away now! I thought I was strong and could take it... He loved me after all. Right? He was always sorry afterwards.... Until My sweet five year old son turned to me and said, "You're so fu*** stupid mom, shut up" I knew then I had to go and save my children if not myself. He won't change as long as you stay.

Flash forward 10 years- we both are happily remarried, he got help, our two wonderful children together have been raised by me and their step dad. They are both extraordinary young adults.