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What do I do?

Punwin's picture

I am a sf to my wife's son who is 35 yrs old. He has to come into our home a year ago with no where to go and no money. He lost his job almost 3yrs ago,lost his car,lost his house,has no communication with his dad nor does his dad had any communication with him since he has been here, and no friends. Has nothing accept the shirt on his back. My wife, his mother took him into the home. His estranged wife who he is still married to have two children have left to live in the next state over. He is very depressed though he tells us that he is taking medication for it. He does not communicate with either his mom or myself accept when we ask him how he is doing. His response I am okay. However he does go to 12 step meetings (AA) and some sort of place for his mental state. He does nothing around the house (grant it he does his laundry)His mom and I prepare the meals,buy groceries,buy fast food if we decide we don't want to cook,buy cigarettes for him,wash dishes,allow him to use the car,(just found out his license had been suspended and we were able to get it re-instated)give his wife money for gas so that he can see the kids as well as us (my wife feels that if we don't give her (his wife )money we won't see the grandchildren,clean up after the visit with his children, and if we ask he states he will but it does not happen. His mom is very reluctant to ask him anything looking for work,getting on food stamps (which he states he has tried but his application was denied). I called DSHS and they said he would get them and they stated if I wrote a letter stating he works around the house in lieu of rent. So I told him this and I asked when we could both go to the DSHS and present the letter. I asked him twice as one day he told me that he had something going on the one day,so I asked how about another day. He has declined. I told his mother what I had done and her response was "that I only had to ask him once".
We have asked him about looking for work he has yet told us anything of what he is doing. Truth of the matter he is not looking at all. He lays on the couch watching TV sometimes falling asleep while watching all day into the evening hours until the early hours of the morning or goes into his room and play games on his PC.
Presently I am on medication for anxiety and depression however I have asked my wife on a few occasions to talk to her son about the situation. She states she will and when I ask when she states soon and it never happens.

Punwin's picture

Hence I find myself getting more anxious,agitated,and upset. On the other hand my wife gets very upset when I ask her when she is going to speak to her son. Apparently she has chosen not to do anything with the situation as she feels it would be to much for him to hear. Perhaps she is very afraid to communicate as she does not want to push him and maybe hurt himself physically as he has tried to twice. The main problem is she gets upset
at me for being anxious and does not wish to see what and why I get this way. Sometimes I feel that she would be very happy if I was out of the equation and that her son and herself would be happy if I am not here in the home. I love my wife dearly and I am not about to leave the marriage after 18 yrs. She also has a very hard time expressing herself to immediate family members when things get her upset and don't want to hurt their feelings. I find myself either going to my computer or going for a drive for a few hours. Unfortunately my tongue is very sore as I have had to bite it and becomes very sore as there have been many times I have wanted to say something and that I can't say anything.
Recently I went to my psycholgist and he states I have been more than fair with the situation with the step son. He also states that perhaps the wife and I need a referee and get an unbiassed opinion on the matter. I strongly believe that being very true and have suggested this to my wife. I am still waiting for her response.
Until then thank you for allowing me to post.

sandye21's picture

Please get a counselor for your wife and yourself who specializes in blended families, and issues with steps. If your wife refuses to go, you go yourself. This is an unreasonable situation for anyone to live with, and even though SS may be depressed he is taking advantage of the situation, holding you hostage by using the love you have for your wife. Get him out of your house. If you put your foot down now, it might cause a few problems but it will probably be temporary. But even if it is not temporary, isn't it worth it to save your sanity?

He's 35 years old and a mess. It is his responsibility, not his Mother's, not yours, to get his act together. Good luck to you.

AllySkoo's picture

What a mess... sounds like both you and your step-son are clinically depressed, and both of you are seeing counselors who aren't really helping. I would strongly suggest you find a new counselor, one who is willing to help you DEAL with things rather than trying to obtain a new client in your wife.

I feel really badly for your wife, honestly. Sounds like she's caught in the middle between you and her son. Her son is an alcoholic (but doesn't drink, from what you say? going to AA?), has tried to commit suicide twice that you know of, is depressed, going through a divorce, doesn't see his kids unless his mom pays for them to come, doesn't have a job - I'd be worried sick if it were my kid. And her husband has anxiety and a counselor who is completely on his side and reinforcing how "right" he is. She KNOWS her kid is a drain on the household. She KNOWS you don't like him there. She also fears (with reason) that if you do start with the "tough love" with the kid that she's going to lose him to either alcohol or suicide.

I get that this is your home and that you have a right to be comfortable in it. I get that you also get a voice in your home. But do you have ANY empathy for the position your wife is in here? We're not talking some "failure to launch" kid who never left the basement and lives on the x-box, or who's boozing it up all day instead of looking for a job, right? We're talking a son who was out on his own, got hit with a massive downward spiral (are you SURE he's not drinking again? he's so at risk right now!), and asked his mom for help.

The trouble is that he's stuck, you're right about that. Your wife for sure needs some counseling on how to help him, but I would STRONGLY suggest the AA support group for parents. They'll likely have the best tactics for helping a recovering alcoholic get back on his feet.

Punwin's picture

As mentioned I don't mind the step son being here at the home. I just want him to assist in things we ask of him food,his share of utility bills(internet,water,electricity,daily chores in and around the house. Clean-up after himself and his family when they visit. In all honesty he wont do a darn thing and if we dare ask him to do it the task is never done and states, "I forgot". Sorry but he just doesn't think he has to do it. That's the truth. He strongly believes that mom and I will do it. Just like his wife when she visits. She does nothing to help my wife prepare meals for the grandchildren or clean up after them. Again my wife and I will do it. Both ss and his wife sure as heck wont do a darn thing. And yes I have asked for help. Both of them (his wife,and himself) just sit on the couch as there parents play and watch TV. I have on several occasions heard both children calling to mom and dad. Not only once, sometimes its 3 to 4 times. Finally there is a response. You say AA will help get him back on his feet. Oneself who wants to get back on his feet will. A person who wants a job will do anything to get a job. It is very frustrating seeing a grown adult laying on the couch either sleeping and not doing nothing. I am 61,my wife 60. I worked construction for 27 yrs and my wife worked for 15yrs. Both of us have worked very hard to have a nice pleasant home. Yes I will go to some sort of support group to get some ideas. And yes my wife will accompany me to see a therapist and have an open mind with what is said. Until then I will continue taking my medication (Klonopin) for my anxiety. Its very unfortunate though I must resort to take this to surpress my anxiousness,anxiety,and aggitation while someone does nothing. Its not right.

Merry's picture

All three of you need good counselors. Part of the recovery process is to become self-sufficient. Is your SS actually disabled due to his mental health issues and is therefore incapable of living on his own? You don't know because he doesn't communicate. So of course you are resentful. And you have mental health issues of your own, due in part to having your SS living in your home with no hope of him ever leaving. You have no information, no plan, but are expected to take care of a grown man.

Your wife seems incapable of doing anything about her son, yet I can only imagine how terrified she is of losing him. She needs help sorting through her obligations and options. Right now it's easier for her to put off even thinking about it and I bet she thinks that if YOU would JUST stop nagging her, everything would be fine. (If we don't talk about it, it doesn't exist.) Yet the situation is such that YOU are suffering, your anxiety is real, and you need your wife and home back for your own health and well being.

Get help from a counselor who understands addiction, depression, and anxiety in adults.

balancedstep's picture

Dr. Phil had some solid steps to take to get someone out of the house like your stepson. Your expectations need to be clearly stated and he needs to get on board or you can drop him off at the nearest ymca. He should be cleaning up his own stuff and you should require him to contribute with the home. He should be actively taking care of his mental health and looking for a job. I recently watched this episode and Dr Phil gives some solid strategies to help. I hope it helps. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOFIf9QUq9c

Orange County Ca's picture

The man is insane. Clinically depressed. Ask wife to require him to have you accompany him to all these places he claims he's getting help. Doctor who gives medication for sure, food stamp folks, look into Social Security for disability retirement, Obamacare, all designed to get him enough income to live on his own. A single resident occupancy(SRO) place. One room with kitchen stuff along one wall and a bathroom next to a closet.

Mom will resist this as she wants to protect her boy but insist on it and like someone above said prepare to be handed your walking papers. Then you move to the SRO and tell her you'll be back when she gets the kid on his feet which will be never.

When it comes to insane people the state of California for an example has consigned them to the street which in effect means jail. Most counties of any size will have a human resources type of counselor who knows all that's available to mental cases so see if you can find that office.

Good luck.

Orange County Ca's picture

Sometimes suicide is better than living in a non-working and even painful body such as one with MS. But his problem is chemical imbalance in the brain and often drugs can help. But he's got to get on welfare and Obamacare to get any help at all with the high expenses involved.

WTF...REALLY's picture

Ok....get ready for some harsh advice.

Tell your wife to get her boob out of her sons mouth....my gwad!!!! Buys his smokes, cooks, shop and cleans for him. Holy fuck. Heeeeellllooooo...WHY Would he leave!!!!! She is making sure he stays a loser forever. Poor wife of his.

KICK him out!!! Its called a homeless shelter. Get him in the system that will make him get on his feet on pit him on the streets.

You need to get some balls and she needs to get the boob out.

Sorry...bit sometimes you need a straightforward advice.

Punwin's picture

If he takes his medication he would not be in a funk. I cannot go in his room though perhaps it might not be a bad idea to see what meds he is taking. I really honestly don't think the ss thinks much about his mom or myself,nor his marriage or attempting to support his family or be concerned with his 2 children he has raised to be totally lost. His wife is no better though if she does not visit or bring the kids over for them to visit grandma and grandpa its no big deal. Oh, I can go visit her parents instead of making the drive to see us or the kids dad. Both his mom and I have tried to talk to him lately about what we expect and he retreats to his room and slams the door in disgust. He has no friends at all. Maybe, he has aquirred a couple at his AA mtgs. His life is nothing and doesn't care one ioda. I have told his mom (my wife we will need to talk to him again this week. She has agreed. Until then. Thank you all oh so much for the input and will try to share them with my wife very soon. Bottom line he has no morals or respect for anyone or himself. I was taught respect was earned not a given. I am out for awhile until I am settled down and less aditated.

Rags's picture

Quit buying him cigarettes and quick feeding him. End of problem in just a few days. He will launch if he is jonesing for nicotine or starving.

Good luck.