I want to fix mine & my stepmoms relationship
Hi everyone, I know this isn't a site made for stepkids but I wanted to get your opinions on what I could do to improve my relationship with my stepmom
My parents divorced when I was 15, I'm now 20. My dad and my stepmom (they are not married but live and have a child together so I consider her my stepmom) met when I was 17 and I got along great with her. I'm not coming her to trash her because I think she's a good person and has helped me out during times that I've needed her, but it makes me sad that that's no longer the case /:
When I was 18 they told me that she was pregnant and I was thrilled, being an only child that always wanted a sibling growing up I finally got to be a big sister. My sister was born last year when I was 19 and I love her to death, she has been the best thing that has happened to me. Even though we have a big age gap I hope we can develop a close relationship as she grows.
When we first met I had very minimal contact with my dad, the divorce was hard on me and because of the things I witnessed during that time I resented him. But I saw that he was making an effort and contacting me more often. I live 8 hours away and seeing him often was hard because of school. But after I graduated I flew out to see him more often. My stepmom lived with him and I wanted to have a good relationship with her since I genuinely liked her and we would go to the movies, get our nails done, all sorts of girly things etc.
One weekend my dad was out of the country on business and I had talked to her about me flying out to stay at their house the day before he got home, she said she would pick me up from the airport. The morning of my flight I headed to the airport and got on the plane, talked to her on the phone and she said she would be waiting for me at the airport when I arrived. Well when I landed and called her she didn't answer my calls, I thought it was strange and just waited since she might have been driving still. 30 mins later and nothing, that turned to an hour and I was worried, I called and texted and got no answers. That's when I got a call from my dad saying that they had gotten in an argument and she would not be picking me up and that I was to get a flight back home. Needless to say I was mad, she never returned my calls or messages and I called my mom and arranged a flight back home 6 HOURS later. Since that day things have not been the same. I have to admit I held a bit of grudge against her for doing that, I thought it was immature. I get that all couples have their moments and fight but she could have at least messaged me after.
After that I just acted like it never happened and continued with my life until they told me she was pregnant and I was sooooo excited!!
I remember having a dream that I was in the hospital and saw a little baby in a pink blanket and from that moment I knew it was going to be a girl, it was her first baby and she was obviously super excited and nervous. My dad works long hours monday-saturday and when he wasn't able to help out with something I offered to.
My stepmom has a really troubled relationship with her mom and she was never around to help her daughter with anything, even after the baby was born.
2 months before my sister was born, my stepmom asked me if I would like to move in with them for the first few months after the baby was born and I being so excited said yes
I lived with them for about 4-5 months, helped her with the baby (she had a c-section) and was in a lot of pain. I stayed up day and night helping her with the baby.
Let's just say it was a good form of birth control lol
And things after that were fine until recently, I was at their house one weekend and I babysat while my dad and stepmom went out, they both came home and it was obvious that they had been drinking, they got in an argument and woke the baby who was sleeping, when I was walking to my room with baby I heard her say and I quote "Your fucking daughter is a pain in the a** coming here all of the time, why doesn't she go back to her house with her fata** mom and leave us the f*** alone."
That hurt me alot, I never thought that she felt that way, I don't know what I did to make her feel that way at all, and it felt like a slap in the face to be honest. Here I am taking care of YOUR child, while you are drunk and there she was making rude remarks about myself & my mother.
The next day I told her that I had heard what she said about me the night before and she denied it.
Since that day I have not been able to see my sister, she won't let me because she says I insulted her.
I want to fix this situation since I will be moving to another country in a couple of months and won't be able to see my sister for long periods of time, and I love that little girl more than anything in the world, and now I can't even see her
I don't know what to do & my dad won't do anything. I wrote this to see if I could get some of your input as step-parents, maybe I am at fault?
I always thought that since she and I are close in age (she is 28) that we could always let one another know if something bothers us.
I really miss being close with her, we've had our ups and downs but she will always be in my life since she is my sisters mother and I want us to have a good relationship and respect one another.
Quite a story.
Quite a story.
So much going on here. The
So much going on here.
The airport thing is BS. But i moreso blame your dad. If they had a fight and she refused to come, that's one thing, but given that he was coming home the next day his response should have been "she cant come to get you but ive booked you a room at the airport hotel take the shuttle over, stay there tonight, and i will come get you when i return home. To make you go back on the plane was wrong IMO.
Not that its an excuse, but alcohol makes people say things they wouldnt normally say. And tehy often dont remember saying them.
Your mom COULD be difficult to deal with for your dad and stepmom. But the fact that you arent aware of this is a good thing - it means that everyone is focusing on what's important (you) and not letting the parental conflicts show or affect anyone's relationship with you. I will tell you - i HATE my SD's mother and have said very nasty things about her to my fiance who has said even worse things about her. But i have never once said anything bad about her to my SD because i know that's not productive. Because my SD is still a minor (13) i wont drink around her (nor will my fiance) because we dont trust that her mother wont try to take away our visitation (she's tried before for other BS reasons). I guarantee you if I were drunk in front of her id probably say alot of things i shouldnt.
You are definitely not at fault for any of this. Step situations are very difficult for all involved. That said, its very wrong of your father and stepmother to withhold your sister from you.
The fact that you are close in age and be both awesome and horrible. ITs awesome because you can find common ground and interests very easily. Its horrible because you are social peers and that can be feeding ground for awkwardness and competition.
I think in the long run all will work out. Focus on you and your life for now.
"(For some context, this is a
"(For some context, this is a girl who thinks that her father owed her a trip to Italy for spring break, and sat down with her mom in a lawyer's office to get it.)"
ugh, i can totally see my BM and SD doing that. she runs to her lawyer for everything (pretty sure she's got some sort of pro bono deal going)
I applaud you for your
I applaud you for your efforts .......
I think you are caught in the middle of your Dad n your BM. Logic says to me that your mom gave your dad a ration of shit for your SM leaving you at the airport. ( which is only natural of a momma bear to protect her cub). Your father is my issue ~ something's are better left unsaid. Your SM should have taken the high road n just picked you up but he didn't. There could have been many different solutions other than sending you home. That's ridiculous !!!
There's a lot going on here ~ taking your aggression out on innocent party = wrong.
The aftermath of the airport stirred someone's pot !!!
How's is your moms relationship w Sm n your dad. Not that you can fix that but you could get an understanding of why. If you want to know. On the other hand people should be adults n judge you on your own actions not of actions of others. If you know what happened maybe you can resolve things.
How did you leave things with your Dad ??
Thank you guys for all the
Thank you guys for all the feedback! I'm going to reach out to her again and see what happens, like I said she is not a bad person but everyone has their moments.
My BM & my dad actually are really good friends, took a while after the divorce but they worked things out (I guess for me) but they have known each other since they were in grade school.
My mom is the type of person that keeps things to herself and has never spoken badly to me about my stepmom, they have met twice and talked and that's it.
On the airport incident: I did blame my dad too, not just my stepmom. I don't think she was the only one to blame, but I mean I was 17 just had gotten off an 8 hour flight and you can't answer the phone?
Things right now between my dad and stepmom are not good, my dad is older (almost 50) and to be honest he didn't want another child, and after my sister was born their relationship changed and they started fighting more often, but hey that's on him and he should have told her that from the beginning.
I'd like to think that since they are constantly arguing that she's just pulling away from the family (my dads) since she doesn't let my grandma see my sister because she always takes sides with my dad when they argue (this is true)
When it comes to her relationship with my dad I just don't get involved, I let them handle it their own way. It's not my place
Before all of this we got along really well and would talk about everything, she's been there for me whenever I needed some advice and I want to go back to that, not only because I miss my sister but I miss her too, and I will miss her when I move.
You have done nothing wrong.
You have done nothing wrong. You have dealt with all of this in an adult manner which is far more than your father and SM have done.
I am sure that your dad has taken the stance he has because he risks losing his young daughter if he pisses off her mother. My brother had this problem with my SIL in the early years of their marriage. It cost us several years of being close but eventually he was able to shift the influence in his marriage to a point where he could counter my SILs threats to take his kids if he did not do what she wanted. We eventually worked it out and my brother's family has been a close part of the broader Rags clan for 15+ years.
As for fixing it.... just keep in contact with your dad. Send your sister letters occasionally and live a good life. If and when your SM grows up then you can re-engage with your sister and your dad ... and hopefully with your SM if she can find an ounce of adult and character in her being.
Good luck and enjoy your life. You will have your own children someday and this will fade. When you can engage your sister when she is older as an Aunt to your children you may be able to move your relationship as sisters past the drama that her mother brings to the equation.
Good luck.