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Ghost step parent!

Madeleine78's picture

Hello everyone!

I didn't know where this topic should go, so I hope it's fine here.

I've been dating my wonderful man for over a year and a half, separated from my ex-husband for 3 years.

I realize what I'm about to say about my living arrangement is unconventional, but I decided when my husband and I split, that as long as I had children living under my roof (I have 3 and my youngest is 6, oldest 10), I did not want to bring someone new into my home. I've always been interested in the "together but living apart" lifestyle and am managing my 3 children just fine on my own. Also, I do not want to remarry and happen to live overseas in Europe where many couples don't marry, so it is more socially acceptable over here.

When I met my partner, we were both in agreement with this lifestyle. He lives about an hour from me and we both have our routines in our respective towns. I work a mile from my home and my kids are all set up in their school as well as have their father within close proximity. He also has a daughter who is the same age as my oldest son, and he has a flexible visitation schedule with her. We soon set up our own schedule around my visitation schedule and ever since have spent any moment we can together.

It has become very clear to both of us that we have found the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with. We even talk about the future, when the kids leave, buying a place together. I'm a rather introverted and independent person and never thought I would meet someone I can call my best friend and companion.

After a few dates and we agreed that we both weren't looking to "build" something together in the sense of marriage, mixing our families etc…., he told me that he wanted to keep some of his one on one time with his daughter. I told him of course, I myself had my own routine with my kids and besides, my youngest was a lot younger at the time and still had some of her preschool temper tantrums, there was no way I wanted to be managing that while trying to mix our kids together. However, I also told myself that this was his way of telling me he didn't want to rush into the kids meeting, that we needed to get to know each other first. Little did I know that this meant that for now, he doesn't want our families to mix at all, almost 2 years after we met!

He will be the first to admit that he has a mental block regarding mixing our relationship with me and his family. He has seen too many couples around him purposefully put tension into their lives with in-laws, step kids, mortgages etc… etc.. for the sake of building something to prove their love and for him, if we take the risk of being open with our respective families, we are also taking the risk that there will be tension and it might hurt both us and our families. He told me he can't bring himself at this point in his life to open that part of his life. He says it was a long road to get where he is with his daughter and finally, they've got a certain harmony going on and he just wants to protect her AND protect our relationship. He says the time isn't right at this point in her life. He is also the first to tell me he just can't bring himself to go further with our families.

As an aside, his daughter knows very well he is dating someone and even knows my name because she sees it pop up on his phone, but she doesn't ask any questions or ask to meet me because she knows not to!

I can completely understand his arguments and tell myself that older couples who have older kids don't have these problems because the kids have left and are old enough to understand the situation. From what he describes of his daughter, I'm not sure she would take to me very well. She's an only child and although he doesn't say 'yes' to her and give her everything she wants, they do have a very close relationship. She would no doubt see me as a threat at this stage in her life. As far as my kids are concerned, there are 3 of them and they are open to meeting new people and their father has a new partner whom they've taken to easily, so I don't think it would be as difficult for them.

I guess what bothers me is that here I am, I've met this wonderful man who not only swept me off my feet but who respects me, loves me, encourages me, motivates me….and then there is this lurking question of keeping "us" hidden from our families. Inevitably, my insecurities on this issue always rear their ugly head during the summer months when we both have our respective children for long periods of time and I see him going out with his friends and their kids (by the way, he DOES talk to his friends about me and quite often, and I've met a few of his friends). And here I am with 3 kids of my own and I don't understand why we can't get together for a picnic or a visit once in awhile. He often comes into my city to do activities with his daughter and on more than one occasion, we've inadvertently planned activities with our kids in the same vicinity. He changed his plans one time because he didn't want to run into me. I told him that we can also act like we don't know each other and go on our merry ways. He says it would be too frustrating to see me and not be able to speak to me or kiss me. But, I think it's deeper than that, he doesn't even want me to see him with his daughter, it would be crossing a boundary.

During these long breaks, I usually start getting negative over text messaging and he starts feeling hurt and guilty that he's hurting me after we've shared a wonderful month of pure bliss together. It seems so natural to me to share with my kids and with my family the person who shares a large part of my heart. It doesn't bother me all the time, but there are times when it's a bit painful but I know it's only a long phase. I suppose a lot of this is also due to the fact that my family doesn't live here and somewhere, I'm looking for family. It's not his job to provide family for me, and I know that. I do have a few friends, but I'm not a very sociable person and weirdly, as soon as I became single, my friends were less available for play dates! So, my life consists of my kids and me, or my partner and me, there's really nothing in-between. When I see him going to his parents' at the spur of the moment then taking his daughter to various places to see other people, I guess it reminds me of what I'm not providing for my kids and it feels lonely. And it feels lonely that the only life I have with my kids is the single mom's expat group!

His daughter is very cultivated for 10 and for me, a typical only child because she's mature and interested in what her dad is interested in. She plays the harp, loves museums and art and classical music. Just this evening, she begged her dad to take her to another classical music concert in a cathedral. These are activities that he and I love to do together but that my own kids absolutely would not stand. I think there might be a little jealousy on my part the time that he spends with her because when I have my kids I'm usually switching activities by going to the park, aquarium, and more "kid-centered" activities and he's just continuing the same activities he did with me, only with his daughter! And, I might be a little jealous that he can spend that one-on-one time with her whereas I have a difficult time accomplishing that with my own children and they play with each other a lot of the time. Not to mention that my youngest is 6 and doesn't have the same interests as the older ones, so it's frustrating when he tells me all the wonderful things he's doing with his daughter, and I'm sitting on a park bench watching my kids go down the slide! I love them to death, but there is a limit to watching them go down the slide!

I see all of these stories on here about couples breaking up because the stepchild has too difficult of a time accepting them and it gets in the way of the couple, then I think perhaps my situation is the right solution! My dilemma is the complete opposite! I'm not looking to "mix" our families together or spend each amount of time we have our kids, together with our kids. Like him, I have my routines with my kids and I don't want to change that. I'm simply looking for some openness with both of our families and simply that it's a known fact that we are in each other's lives and that once in awhile (every few months would be fine by me!), we get our kids together or that he comes over for dinner when he doesn't have his daughter or that I go out with him and his daughter to a concert. The main issue is that he doesn't believe that it's our "place" to be in the respective lives of our children and families through a physical presence. I have gotten souvenirs for his daughter on trips back to the US, he's thought about my kids on occasion and we "share" virtually many things about our kids. We have even gone clothes shopping for them and bought some of the same outfits for our girls. But, we each remain a ghost in each other's kids' lives.

Could use some thoughts on this. I absolutely have no plans to break it off with this man because of this issue. There are way too many positives. However, it would be interesting to get your opinions. Thank you!

Disneyfan's picture

My first thought is that this man is dating other women. A man who won't allow you to meet his family has something to hide.

OrangeUGlad's picture

But when he is "with his daughter" you really only know this because that is where he says he is.

Madeleine78's picture

I think he had a really bad break-up with his daughter's mom 8 years ago due to lots of "material" conflicts (in-laws, house, the daily routine) and since that moment, he's put a psychological limit on his relationships and mixing his relationships with his family so that there's no tension. He did have a life-threatening illness 5 years ago and since then, he's been going to counselling and he is working on these issues and he has lightened up a bit since I first met him 2 years ago, but we do have a long way to go!

Disneyfan's picture

He may not always be with his daughter. He changes his plans if he discovers that your plans are the same.

You haven't met his daughter, parents, siblings, nieces, nephews....

He won't meet your kids or family.

The guy is hiding something.

Have you ever thought about not telling him when you both have plans to be in the same venue? Why not just show up and see who he's with and how he reacts.

Orange County Ca's picture

It's working. Don't fix it. Unasked but I'll answer it anyway. This arrangement is far far better for the children who now believe that they are the most important people in your life. As it should be. Leave it that way until they're out of high school.

onthefence2's picture

While I agree with OC, I know how bad it sucks to be in your position. I'm going through something very similar. He does sound a bit extreme, and I'd be concerned that he is enmeshed with his daughter to a negative degree. She is filling needs that his significant other should be filling.

Yosemite's picture

I know you've met friends of his but have you met his parents, siblings, etc?
I find it weird that you haven't met his daughter after all this time, even if just very casually. However, I could accept that it's possible that he's just an extremely overprotective parent. If you haven't met any family members, it would make me think he's married or in a relationship with someone else.
Either way, I would want to start interacting with his daughter in small ways. Otherwise it will be a huge shock to her someday.

BethAnne's picture

I would send him a copy of what you have written above. To have your thoughts and feelings around the situation set out on paper as clearly as you have written them will hopefully allow him to appreciate your position and allow him to open up about his own feelings and then perhaps you two can reach a compromise.

Personally I feel that what you are asking for is very reasonable. If his daughter knows about you and you're happy to let your kids know then there is no harm in you all meeting up. If it goes really badly and the kids don't get on or one of the kids reacts badly to their parent's partner then you can both take a step back and reassess. You won't be in any worse a situation than you are now.

It sounds like he needs reassurance that taking the next step in the relationship doesn't mean that you guys will then start sprinting to be living all together in a blended family and the potential stress that could arise.

To me he sounds like he wants to take things ultra slow. So see if you two can come up with a plan that will allow baby steps to be taken towards monthly meet ups (or whatever your aim is). I would suggest that first you need to introduce the idea to your kids that their mum has a boyfriend. Perhaps he could show his daughter a picture of you. Then maybe you could both show the kids pictures of each others kids. Then each adult could meet the other's kids in a situation where the child is comfortable and will have a good time. Then if all of those steps go well you could introduce the kids together. Again make it a kid friendly activity, preferably something they can get a bit excited about doing to promote a positive experience. Then after the first meeting of everyone together take a bit of time and assess how the kids got on and enjoyed it all before seeing if you want to plan another meet up.

If you can break it down into small steps for him and emphasize that after each step you two can independently assess if you want to continue on to the next step (or repeat that step or drop back to the previous step) it will give him a sense of control over the situation, knowledge of where it is leading to and an acknowledgement that neither of you want to rush ahead and end up living together right away just because the kids meet up or that you two will break up because the kids/adults don't get on.

SMto2's picture

Wow, this does sound "unconventional," to the point of "abnormal." I also find it weird that he tries so hard to keep you and your kids apart from his daughter. (and perhaps his other family members as well??) Are you SURE he's with his daughter when he's going to these events you said he otherwise would go to with you? I agree that he's hiding something. I agree it would be a great idea to see who he is with and what he is up to when he's not with you. None of this would be okay with me. My ex's mother had a very "separate but apart" life with her SO for much the same reasons you stated. Her SO had a son who was a few years younger than my ex. They still would spend holidays together and they occasionally would spend the night together. You've got too much separation going on, to the point of isolation. I would wonder what's going on and investigate further if I were you.

Madeleine78's picture

He's never met my family because I live outside of the US and my family hasn't been here in 2 years! He won't talk to his parents about me because he doesn't feel it's fair to tell them and not his daughter. We actually were in the same vicinity today and I told him I was in the bus with my kids at the same time he was visiting the roof of a cathedral (I live in Europe) and he said if he had known, we could have made a sign towards one another. I have actually thought about showing up in the same place, but not to see who he's with, but to see him with his daughter! We have a very close relationship. I know he's not hiding anything but that the only person he's hiding from is his own fear of changing the situation because he's never been in a relationship that is going somewhere since he broke off with his ex. He is an extremely over protective parent and I just don't think he really knows how to handle the situation, so he prefers not to handle it and keep things as they are. To him, everything is all or nothing: we either live on top of each other or we keep things as they are. I, personally, think there is a huge grey area of compromise and that we could make things very casual with our kids.

As Orange County says, it is working. The only thing that's not working is that my own upbringing finds it unnatural to be so close to someone and not share that person with family. But, for us and for the kids, it's working. And, when they have gone through puberty and high-school it will be a whole lot easier to relate to them than now.

By the way, his daughter does know I exist. She's even told his parents and while she was playing Scrabble, she even asked how to spell my name! I don't think she'll be surprised the day she finally meets me. My kids, however, will.

Madeleine78's picture

I really like your ideas BethAnne! Baby steps.

And, I have told him all this, and he knows how I feel. He says that nothing is fixed in time and that he, too, is looking for answers as to what the right solution is but that as long as he doesn't have the answer, he doesn't want to take the risk of risking our relationship or hurting his family.

When we don't have our kids, we are together all the time. When we do have our kids, we send each other a hundred text messages per day and call each other every night. I don't feel distant from him or that he's hiding something.

He sees his parents all the time. His own sister is estranged from the family and only comes at Xmas each year. He's not close to her at all. He will also take his daughter to see his aunts and uncles once in awhile, but he doesn't come from a close extended family.

Disneyfan's picture

I just read this to my DF and his brother inlaw. Both are laughing their heads off and saying I made this up. They are saying if this is true, the guy is the ultimate player.

OP, have you discussed this with any of your family and close friends? (especially the men) Are any of them warning you that he may not be on the up and up?

furkidsforme's picture

Honestly? I'd seriously consider hiring a private investigator to make sure all is how he says it is. Just.... in case.

And then if he is one the up and up, I guess you simply have to decide if you are happy being the secret lover for the next 8-12 years. Or more. Possibly forever.

But hey- I've know couples that have married but lived apart that are truly happy. If it works for you and you are ok with the arrangement, then go ahead!

simifan's picture

My vote - he is still married. There is something wrong - he is hiding something.

Madeleine78's picture

I know he's not cheating, even though I know it seems very odd of a situation and easy to suspect that he's got a secret life!

Actually, I do think his daughter will understand. He's just very afraid of uprooting her life and their routine, which I can understand. He grew up with a very close nuclear family with few outsiders whereas I grew up with a lot of family and my mom's friends. I also come from a divorced family and remember feeling uncontrollably jealous when my own dad dated, even though I loved his girlfriend! I think my BF wants to avoid that tension. He also doesn't see that we can get the families involved all while respecting boundaries and reassessing the situation if it doesn't work. He told me this morning that contrary to what I believe, he isn't closed to the possibility of getting our families involved, but that right now, he still has too much resistance to that in order to let it happen. He is working on it and he does see a counsellor on a regular basis.

Neither of us wants to move in together until our kids are gone. But, it is a goal of ours. For me, the next step would simply be to be more open about our relationship. This doesn't even mean getting together on a regular basis. But, he needs to come to that decision without my forcing him.

It is tough because, like you say Sally, no one understands! My co-workers will ask me if my kids have met him, and then I feel like I have to explain myself. Perhaps it's social pressure that makes me want to move further? Our "couple" is working and we do not have any need to get the kids involved. We always find time to see each other on a regular basis, we just spent the whole of July together, and we communicate every single day all throughout the day.

I'm actually a rather introverted person and need alone time. I miss him tremendously , but do keep busy with my sewing hobby! In fact, a concern of mine in July when he was here was if we live together, will I have enough "alone" time! It's more a question of being open versus living what appears to me a dual life! I need to find some way to find peace with that until he's ready to be more open.

Madeleine78's picture

He always listens to me and completely understands my feelings and feels horrible about it. He says what I'm asking for is completely understandable but at the same time he's very frank with me that right now, he cannot give that to me. My therapist tells me to take a day at a time and that you can never predict the future. 8 to 10 years seems a long time, but I can't predict the future. Something might happen before then, or I might even change my mind about the situation.

I see all of these posts about stepparents having a horrible time with their Skids and marriages breaking off because of it. We, "us", our relationship, is just fine right now, we have such a wonderful time together and there is no "need" to bring the kids into it. Except for maybe my own (perhaps) selfish need to have a family because my family is living in another country.

I'm not completely ok with it, you're right, but I also like our arrangement. I just wish we could find a happy compromise: keep things as they are while being more open with our families.

Madeleine78's picture

Don't get me wrong, I do actively seek change. I bring up the situation on a regular basis with my partner and reevaluate what he's feeling and where he stands. And, he appreciates that and appreciates that I push him to come out of his shell and think about things without forcing anything on him. For me, it's not a deal breaker because there are so many other positive things about our relationship. But, it is an area, perhaps the only area, of frustration.

Madeleine78's picture

I guess I was just looking to find others who might be in the same or similar situations as me.

Madeleine78's picture

I like your advice Sally! And, even though it's the sad truth, it's true that I don't have any family around. But, at the same time, it's not my bf's job to replace my family with his.

I was married for 11 years and appreciated my ex's family and was accepted in his family as my own. Even though I have my parents almost every day on the phone, they are not active in my life and I haven't seen them or my brothers and sisters in 2 and 3 years. When I see my BF going to his parents, taking his daughter there and here I am alone with my kids with no one but a few friends who are too busy to get together, it can get lonely. Especially during the holidays.

But, again, it's not my partner's problem and it is a feeling that I need to deal with. I also chose to live in a foreign country and be far from my family, so it's also my job to find a peace with that.

Madeleine78's picture

And I look at the positive that there are times when we can spend whole weekends together, even a month like this summer! A long period like that won't come around again for another 2 years, but it will come around.

The big positive for me is being able to manage my kids as I see fit. He never wanted kids and now has a daughter whom he loves dearly. I think 3 kids for him is a little overwhelming. And it's "we" who are dating, not the kids.

I am confident that in the future, we will be able to be more open, even if that means that our families aren't involved but at least we're more open with them about our relationship. Perhaps now just isn't the time.

Poodle's picture

i still want to know why the sister is estranged. One level of estrangement is understandable given the complications, but two... does he talk about that? or is it another unexplained family dynamic?

Madeleine78's picture

He talks about it all the time. He and his parents don't really understand. His sister has also created this dynamic where it's just she, her partner, and their daughter. They come around at Christmas and my BF invites her to his own daughter's bday party every year, but the sister always says it's too far (it's only an hour!). It hurts him and his parents, and he says all he can do is keep trying.

AllySkoo's picture

I don't know... you've said a couple of times now that "it feels lonely". You're not really supposed to feel lonely in a relationship. You also keep saying "it's not my partner's problem", and I honestly just don't agree with that.

IF this was a casual relationship, then yes, what you describe is normal, and yes, it wouldn't be his problem. The trouble is, that from your standpoint, this is not a casual relationship. From YOUR standpoint.

I know, I know, he tells you he's serious, you have a wonderful time when you're together, I get it. But I've known men who are like this - they tell the woman they're seeing that they're serious, and when they're together it's wonderful. And they're not bad men - not cheating, nothing like that. They like the women that they're with - but not as much as the women like them. Not enough to commit. They like the wonderful times, but they have zero interest in actually making a relationship work, or putting forth any true effort. Because it's not really serious, despite what they might whisper.

You will know his intentions through his ACTIONS, not his words. Has he ever done anything hard for you? Given something (even just time) that he wouldn't for a friend? Has he ever shown you - not told you - that he's serious about you?

Maybe you're right, maybe he's just neurotic and overprotective. And maybe when his daughter is 18 he'll decide that the time is finally right for you to meet her. (Although that in itself is problematic - "Hey honey, here's this woman I've been exclusively dating for 10 years. She's amazing and special and I never wanted you to meet her because I thought you would ruin it. But now you're 18 and I don't care how you feel!" How is THAT supposed to go over???)

Only you know if you can live with this. I couldn't, but I wish you the best of luck!

Madeleine78's picture

Yes, he has shown me many times he's committed and serious. He renovated my whole kitchen so that I wouldn't have to pay a plumber and electrician, he is a law professor, so he's helped me in a lot of my divorce case and he even found my current lawyer after doing some research. If our weekends happen to be off with our kids and he has his daughter a weekend I don't, he will always try and see me at least one night and he always tries to schedule his own visitation around mine. I don't doubt his commitment, I just think he's got a huge psychological block when it comes to mixing family and his relationships, which is very foreign to me. His daughter has a stepdad (although they are not married), and he always makes comments that it's not the stepdad's responsibility to pick his daughter up from school or watch her when the mom isn't home. That's very foreign to me because I grew up with a stepmom and a stepdad as both of my parents remarried. My SO comes into my city often for appointments and always takes his daughter with him, I would be perfectly happy to have her come over and hang out here! That seems normal to me. but THAT will never happen! Smile

Since he broke up with his daughter's mom, I'm the first relationship he's serious enough about where the question of family would even come up. I agree with him that it's not good to introduce kids to a thousand different people and partners coming and going out of their lives. But, now he's faced with a partner he sees staying in his life but for 7 years, he's kept family out of his relationship. All the sudden, he's faced with exploring that possibility and for now, he's still meeting too much mental resistance to it.

I'm not "lonely" in the sense of needing him all the time in my life. I love our arrangement and definitely do not want to live together until the kids are gone. I just don't have any family here and only acquaintances when it comes to friends, so yes, it would have been nice to know his family. He's so afraid of hurting them (with his ex, he and his dad renovated a 19th century farmhouse and then from one day to the next, their relationship broke off). I told him that my own parents will be hurt if they find out 10 years from now I've been with someone and keeping it a secret AND I really don't feel comfortable keeping it from the kids that long. You are right, his daughter might very well be upset about that.

But, the seed has definitely been planted with him, and he knows how I feel. His therapist is currently on vacation, but I'm sure he'll be bringing this subject up the next time he sees him!

BethAnne's picture

I have one thing I don't understand. And that is why he is controlling what you are telling your family? He has told his daughter and family about you, but you aren't allowed to tell your parents or kids? If he isn't dictating what you tell your family then why are you resisting telling them when you clearly don't want to keep secrets from everyone.

Madeleine78's picture

He has no problems with my being open with my own family. I just hesitate to do it. What are my kids going to say when I tell them I'm dating someone and they can't even meet his daughter? When my divorce is finalised within the next 6 months, I'm definitely going to feel better about being more open, even though my ex is living with a steady girlfriend. I just prefer for it to be finalised.

OrangeUGlad's picture

I think that something seems fishy about him, to be honest.

One thing that jumped out to me is that you talk about his daughter as if you know her as well as what he is like as a dad- but please remember you only know her through his filter. You only know what he is like as a dad and with kids through what he tells you.

I think, though, that if this is the kind of relationship you want, then what is the problem?

If you have some fantasy that things will change in the future- you will start meeting with the kids or eventually you will want to live together, just move on. Because that is not happening with him.

Madeleine78's picture

We do want to live together: when the kids are gone! And when I joke and say we'll have to get an apartment with a secret wall that I hide behind when his family comes, he says "Things will evolve between now and then."

mel35's picture

My DH is from the UK and I am from Australia. We have been together for over 3 years. Its impossible for me to meet my SS5 at this point in time.... 1. Because of distance and 2. Because his mum has made it very clear that i will never be a part of his life. It makes me sad.

Before my DH moved here, his relationship with his son was awesome, yet quite restricted by his BM. His time with him was very limited. His moving here to be with me has just opened a whole new can of worms! I have not met any of my husbands friends or family (I have met his mum and have a good relationship with my MIL and my SIL, i speak with her over social media, but this has only been within the last year as our babies are close in age). I found that my DH kept me to himself so to speak, so as to avoid any conflict with the BM which made it a little bit easier to continue to see his son on occasion. He could have very legitimate reasons. We may not understand them sometimes, as when we love someone we think it should be shared with the world and shouted from the roof tops. Give him the benefit of the doubt, but definitely make your feelings known and don't let him fob it off as though it's nothing, as it's something that is very important to you! And even if he doesn't want to share, you should be able to tell your family. At least then they can support you in this somewhat crappy situation.

Madeleine78's picture

He doesn't ignore my feelings and does understand them. It even hurts him that his own psychological block is hurting me. I also try and put myself into his situation.

We do talk about living together in the future. Even last night, he said to me he can't wait until we can start looking for an apartment together. Then, it's me who starts wondering if that would ever work as well. I have 3 kids, and my kids will eventually have kids! I know that's far off in the future, but I want my kids to be able to come and visit, to have an open home. I'm not saying my BF is against that, but he comes from such a closed environment, that I'm still not sure. In that sense, I think it's good we have this time apart, for us to really think about what the future holds.

Good luck with your situation, it's not a very was one to be in.

Poodle's picture

I think "closed environment" kinda sums up the atmosphere. Interesting that he is hurt by the sister's behavior although you only have his version of what happened. There tend to be definite reasons for estrangement between siblings, in my opinion, more so in a way than with parent/child relationships.
Is his being a law professor relevant? For example are the laws in his jurisdiction such that if there is cohabitation or relationship between your kids and him, there develops a financial obligation? In your shoes I would definitely make myself aware of the local matrimonial law and see if this has a bearing.
Whilst it's great to have a soulful relationship it becomes tiresome to relate to a withholder and I note with a bit of concern his claim that him hurting you, hurts him, and he's seeing a therapist about it. Sounds either too navel-gazing or convoluted for my liking. This ought to be relatively simple situation but he is making it so contorted....

Madeleine78's picture

He's not seeing a therapist about me specifically. He had a serious illness 4 years ago, and he originally started going after that because it caused him to question a lot in his life. I also think he's being too dramatic about the situation, but you can't blame someone for their fears and their feelings. We are all afraid of something and we either choose to work through it and face that fear or we run from it. I think that he's decided to work on it, but it's going to be a slow process.

I live in another country. There is absolutely no financial obligation on his part to raise my kids. I repeat that I'm ALSO the one who wants to live separately and to not remarry. Like Sally says up above, it's not very accepted in society, but hey, it's our way of living, and I'm more than fine with that arrangement. As I type this, my youngest is being punished and throwing a temper tantrum. I really don't want anyone but me to be a part of that (and of course her dad when she's with him!) He doesn't want to marry (he wasn't married the first time, just like 60 percent of the couples over here) either or live together in the immediate future.

The only thing I'm really concerned about is the complete separation of our love life and our family life. He's so scared of having a recomposed family and that it's going to bring a lot of tension, but he doesn't see that we don't have to even "mix" our families. Being open doesn't mean we have to be in each other's lives every single day. It just means that we live in the big picture rather than two separate pictures. This can mean getting together once a few months with his daughter and my kids, according to how things go. We can increase or decrease that time according to how the kids are coping.