Brand new need to get this off my chest.
I am new . A little history first. I am a StepDaD no bio kids of my own. I have been a SD for 20 years to 3 children 2 boys 1 girl. Changed diapers , to help the sk's move out and have kids of their own, ( just starting). Today I began the ending of my relationship with my partner ( never married ), as I realize finally that I have never been happy in the relationship with the children. I am always the bad guy, chauffeur, atm, and whatever else I am in their eyes , ( what they think of me is none of my business). Now in that 20 years for the first 10 I was an alcoholic/ drug addict and after the first 5 years together we split up for 5 years. We got back together after I cleaned up for a year. I have been clean since. I thought that once the kids moved out that finally me and the partner would finally have some peace, but to no avail. They keep coming back, and with babies of their own now. I just cant do it anymore. I made a good life, tried to get them to go to colledge/university, but they are so lasy and want mom , Which I am the support,to supplement there income so they can be lasy. I turned 40 this year and don t want to spend the rest of my life supporting step children and now step grandchildren. I am not very liked right now and I feel like a bag of crap for starting to end it , but really see no other alternative. I don t now if I gave it my all , but gave it the best I could. i am no stranger to step groups so I thought I would google some forum so I can get this off my chest. Grieving sucks.
You aren't able to sit down
You aren't able to sit down with your SO and discuss this? I don't blame you a bit, in no way should you be responsible for these adults and their children, where is their bioDad?
A lot of dreams and
A lot of dreams and expectations down the drain. Find a physical group for recently divorced where you can talk face to face. The ladies are right you are young. Probably 30 years to retirement and plenty of time to find the right woman and kids too if you want.
I know that since cleaning up
I know that since cleaning up I have been constantly changing. I realize that I am the only 1 who has constantly changed. I do believe that by going to my 12 step meetings that I have gained the courage and support to finally let go of the fear of being alone and second guessing my decision to end my long time relationship. I know I deserve to have a great stress free life, and the only way to achieve that is by letting go of toxic relationships. What hurts is the knowledge that I did enable my SO to depend on me way too much and what I struggled with, is the fear that without me she has nothing.
She left me last summer for a couple of months because my Dad ended up in the hospital at the same time my SD was about to give birth to first child. She is 18 by the way, and cant even look after herself. I chose to go be with my Dad which is a province away, and apparently to them all that, was the wrong choice.
We sat down and talked about my feelings when it comes to the children and how they try and manipulate and control their mother and use me against her. Also about how much she is dependent on me and that I did not want that. She made her case about how emotionally detached I can get and I agreed that was very true. We have talked way to much about what the problems are and the solutions to them , but somehow I feel that I am the one who has to do all the changing to solve the problems in all our relationships. I am supposed to be Super Step Dad, bank, atm, chauffeur, babysitter ,make all the money plus be Mr romantic all the time. I have taken ownership of my parts and will not be emotionally held hostage anymore. I will admit though that it is hard to be the recipient of emotional warfare and have the strength, and courage to not fling it back.
your obligation at that time
your obligation at that time was to be with your father. too bad your so could not see that. she has put you as her last priority while her children used you.
you are waking up after a long slumber. you said, "Super Step Dad, bank, atm, chauffeur, babysitter ,make all the money plus be Mr romantic all the time." you are aware of how much you put into this relationship and how little you get in return.
40 us still young. get out while you can.
"I have taken ownership of my parts and will not be emotionally held hostage anymore." good for you. the whole world is ahead of you.
Didn't give it your all> You
Didn't give it your all> You gave it 20 years - that is "all" by any definition.
You are young. Too young to be miserable all the time. Leave. Find a better relationship. Leave the bloodsuckers behind. Glad you were there for your dad. It WAS the right decision. That girl is not your child and she won't come be by your side when you're old, why on earth would you abandon your own dad for her? Stop feeling guilty.
Everyone here knows what it's like, btw, to have that stepchild dynamic. It will kill your soul if you don't find a way to cope. One way of coping is leaving. You've earned it.
When you got clean from
When you got clean from alcohol and drugs you had to distance yourself your using friends. It is impossible to continue to hang with them and stay clean.
Now, when you are choosing to become emotionally healthy you have to give move away the people who continue to use. Not to worry, they will find someone else to be their whipping boy, atm, babysitter, etc. Just make sure that it is not you.
Check out some al-anon literature and maybe a meeting or two. It can help you to disengage from toxic people in your life.
Good Luck and stay strong.
Stay strong Brother you have
Stay strong Brother you have run a hard race to clean up and don't let the same troubles and life drag you down .you already have rose to the top enjoy the view no need to look up the mountain but look up to who gave you the strength to make it to the top
stay strong I read your post and can relate and am in the same rough sea