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I'm really enjoying the feeling of freedom after disengaging

I love my Pitt bulls's picture

This November it will be a year since I disengaged. I found this website sometime after the 1st of this year and have wished I'd found it sooner. My sd, 37, her husband, their two children, my ss35 and their mother, my husbands ex wife , all came to our home for 4 days during Thanksgiving. I worked my ass off cooking cleaning entertaining , ect. Well, my sd undermined and disrespected me the entire time and THIS time, when they were leaving, I only said the words " good bye" knowing I meant exactly that. They will never be asked to come to my home again by me. If they do come by my husbands invitation, I will not lift a finger and probably be busy elsewhere.
Also, my husband treats me differently when they visit. He ignores the disrespect too. I blame him for allowing it for the last30 years.
I'm DONE and very sure of my decision!

peacemaker's picture

I am currently disengaged
Submitted by peacemaker on Fri, 08/15/2014 - 9:16pm.
I am currently disengaged with my adult skids, and it was not done in hatred toward them...I did it to take a break from their toxic culture, and to work on and focus on my own personal issues...It is what I discovered after having a breather for over a year that was most interesting to me, and convinced me, at this point in the relationship that things are pretty much over between us. Their relationship with their bio father has completely failed since they chose a life pattern of unforgiveness and bitterness regarding their parents broken marriage...I had no desire to carve them out of my dh's life....No, they accomplished that all on their own...I was just a casualty that was caught up in all their unresolved issues from day one...They have always sent the message that they did not want me in their lives...they only wanted their father...he was a workaholic and was not present most of the time...As everyone grew older it was I, that initiated all the get togethers, gifts etc...like many of us here on this site...Of course, after sticking it out for 26 years, I felt very disappointed when they did not reciprocate the love I shared with them...Now I have learned it was because I had bought into the false expectation of what it would look like if I "loved them as if they were my own" because that is not reality they are not my own and never will be...Once I realized my expectations were false, the disappointment caused by them has slowly, with time and a new understanding...lost it's sting. Now I am starting life afresh...I have been able to accept the reality of my relationship with each one of them, as it has to stand on it's own merit...and quite frankly, there isn't one....the trust has been completely destroyed between us because of their choices. I do not hate them...I still pray for their freedom from their issues..and wish them well. But for me, I have wasted 26 years of my life caught in their delusional way of thinking... and I am moving on....I am still married to my DH and do not feel like we have to divorce to allow me the space to move forward with my new life...It is a personal choice i have made for me and my own children. I know if something were to happen to my husband...my skids and I would probably never initiate a relationship with each other again.

So, I am starting now...they have all collectively stated that their family is "none of my business" and I couldn't agree with them more. This experience has taught me a lot, and for that I am grateful...but I really can't afford to waste the next 25 years of my life in this bottomless pit...I gave until I disappeared...during the disengagement, I found "me" again...and I thank God He taught me to never again let someone speak into my identity... less than who He says that I am...

I think 26 years is long enough to give someone a chance to get it...I do believe that people can change....I am no longer holding my breath...it is over for me also... I have ended the war my self and have moved on to embrace my new life without them in it....Disengaging helped me to obtain the mental space I needed to refocus my thoughts on all the good things going onion my life...there is so much good that was being overrun by the bad that they continually bring to the scene...that I couldn't connect with it anymore. It is so refreshing to break free and return to true happiness. I have so much to be thankful for. My bio kids are fantastic people. I have a wonderful husband who is kind and thoughtful. I am returning to college, I am healthy, full of vitality once again now that the depression has lifted from my life...It is a new day for me, and my own family,,,we have been put on hold long enough... the best part of this whole experience is that it brought me closer to the God that created me, and I am moving forward... on an adventure to discover my true self and who He created me to be. My life has a much bigger purpose than the role of stepmom...to be perfectly honest..I am looking forward to discovering what lies ahead....

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Orange County Ca's picture

People by the tens of thousands are in Vegas over both Thanksgiving and Christmas. I wonder if they're all disengaged?

I love my Pitt bulls's picture

He never tried to explain anything. Only after a few months of me not calling his daughter did he ask me why I would not make a call. I told him that his daughter knows what she did and that she will NEVER admit it or apologies to me and that I'M DONE. Now, my husband makes remarks suggesting I'm at fault for not calling them but I just don't let that work. His daughter only calls his cell phone and he goes outside to talk to her. More power to them. I am free!!!!!

peacemaker's picture

One of the hardest things about getting free is....

you have made a paradigm shift in your thinking..One that will not allow you to return to the way things "were".....It is amazing when that happens to us, but it can get a little messy when no one else around you has changed...they expect you to react the same old way to the same old life patterns they have established....Well, when you change...their expectations become false expectations....When you don't comply with ritual and traditional way of doing things...they experience frustration and disappointment. The problem is, they don't realize they are experiencing frustration and disappointment because they are the ones who had the false expectations to begin with...so, they conclude it is all your fail because you didn't do what we expected you to...blame and control...they blame you, false guilt you into doing something you do not wish to do, and control your life choices....over and over again...before you know it, you don't know who you are anymore...it is a slow fade...but you eventually disappear...

...the merry-go round to nowhere....perhaps they will realize you are no longer riding the merry-go-round with them...perhaps not...either way at the end of the day...It is your life...your personhood you are protecting...and your destiny to fulfill...

I love my Pitt bulls's picture

Any suggestions from peacemaker? I already know that I am being made out to be the wrong one in my husband's view due to his daughters influence. I am remaining strong and don't care anymore.

sandye21's picture

You went out of your way to get the approval of SD, SS and even BM. It is obvious you were overly accommodating toward them, they were just the opposite. Every day when you look in the mirror, say to yourself, "I am worthy of mutual respect, and I wasn't wrong." Once you believe this you will say this to your DH. It is HIS fault his kids do not note have any manners. Let him have it, and don't back down.

I love my Pitt bulls's picture

And thank yousandye21. I will do what you said. I want to say that to him but just haven't wanted to deal with what he will say. It will happen when the time is right. I am just, for now, enjoying the peace. My husband and I are enjoying our dogs too. The "others", thankfully , live 5 hours away in another state.

peacemaker's picture

...it's your life...you choose.

When someone tries to place false blame on me because of their limited understanding of truth ...I just simply inform them that "There isn;t any truth in that and I refuse to receive it". Once you receive a falsehood into your being...then you have to struggle with it to get it back out of your realm of thinking...you find yourself defending yourself and right back into playing the head game with them...

Their false blame is not yours to contend with...If they conclude incorrectly that is their misgiving...A big part of disengaging is choosing to no longer concern yourself with what they think because you realize that most of their opinion is screwed up because of the way they have been raised to begin with.

Why we choose to do things is just as if not more important than what we choose to do...

Why are they trying to spin the blame on you? Is it because they cannot look in the mirror at themselves and deal with their own baggage? Probably. Each one of us bears the responsibility to do just that. Deal with our own selves...We are not responsible for everyone else's mess...That is theirs to contend with.

The fear of what they are saying behind your back...and even if they do blame you...It's a head game Wink to keep you defending yourself so you will stay on the merry go round to now where...When I disengaged..for a few months, my dh would ask my opinion about his adult offspring...and I would interject what I though...until I realized it was still messing with me even though i pulled out...I didn't totally pull out...Once I stopped interjecting what I thought..he finally got the message I was done with their antics and if he chose to participate in all the madness...he would have to do it without my opinion....just keep me out of the drama...

Reminds me of the old Mikey commercials when they try and manipulate him into doing what they want him to "Let's get Mikey...Yeah...He won't eat it He hates everything....then he downs the bowl of cereal,,,just like they wanted him to.

Mikey disengaged from all the manipulation, and now he owns the cereal company...lol...

SugarSpice's picture

disengaging is wonderful feeling isnt it? keep that thought in mind whenever things get tough.

Rags's picture

To avoid this frustration when we have extended family in or home for the holidays we cater the meals and clean up. It makes the whole thing so much less dramatic. It also gives eveyone freedom to socialize rather than a few people doing the cooking and cleaning up.

If we are visiting my ILs, we rent the large conference venue in the hotel we stay at, cater the Christmas or TG dinner, anyone who wants to brings their personal signature holiday dish and we have a ball without the drama and mess. We put holiday videos on for the kids to watch on the projector and the adults do their thing.

It works great.

Interstingly it is not notably more expensive to cater a holiday meal than it is buy all of the items and prepare them yourself. The few $hundred difference is more than made up for by lack of stress.