Why does the "son" not want a DNA test? That's weird. I would insist upon it. Sounds like some Jerry Springer b.s. to me.

In this situation if there is no DNA test, there is no kid. If the kid won't do the test then he gets no relationship with your DH. At least that would be my stance if I was your DH.

Accepting this at face value will cause havoc in your family, in your marriage, and with your children so DH needs to recognize that and insist on absolute confirmation or he needs to inform this kid that until there is a test there can be no contact.

Of course this kid does not want a DNA test. The last two proved his mother to be a whore and he does not want anymore disappointment and heartache. There needs to be a DNA test to protect you, your marriage and your children from the same thing.

If the test confirms that the kid is your DH's then he needs to man up and engage with the kid. At this stage he should not provide any support to this kid. It is far past that and the kid is an adult. You and your kids need to reconcile to the fact that this kid is a late add to the family and at least be supportive of your husband.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

Everybody is just supposed to believe this woman, who sleeps with so many men at the same time that she has no clue who this kid's father is? If there were 3 guys, why not 4,5 or 6? And obviously the kid thinks this also, or he wouldn't be worried that the DNA test will be negative.

Rags is spot on. If I was your DH, I would not entertain another thought of this kid being my son until he agrees to a DNA test.

The guys reasoning for not wanting the test is bull. If he wants to know who his dad is, not taking a DNA test does not make sense. What this guy wants, is your DH to step into a father role, whether he's the father or not.

The fact that he doesn't know who his father is, is sad, but it is not your family's problem.

young man shows up and bm states he is the long lost son of your husband. the young man states he will not take another dna test. man and bm insist dh is the father. young man is yearning for the father he never knew.

sounds like a movie screen play.

in all seriousness the dna test is an absolute must. men have been scammed into supporting and accepting children that were not theirs.

I seriously question the attitude of your DH in wanting to pretend they are all sure that this guy is his son just because this guy, an erstwhile total stranger, would cry on his apron if he found out he were not. This is so illogical that it would signal to me that your DH has serious dependency needs. But going back to how to approach this, maybe you are feeling so angry because your DH has refused to push the test and you feel powerless about getting one in those circumstances. But in fact you have 3 options: (1) get some DNA from the guy without his knowing it, can be done from a drink glass etc, and have your own test done -- not recommended, no need for stealth; (2) tell your DH you insist on the test being done as this potentially alters the shape of your own personal family, my preferred option; (3) tell your DH that his and your kids are fundamentally affected by the blood claim and are owed the truth by your DH i.e. play the trump card on the neediness point that seems to attract your DH so strongly. That would work on him presumably, if not play the super trump card that not taking the test is treating them as less important than the other guy. Again I would not go for those as they are manipulative, but I'd say they'd work.
Once you have got the DNA test done, even if it is positive, I'll be willing to bet there will be a lot less anger for you. A lot of men are in this position these days particularly with sperm banks. It appears to be part of modern life.

And if big hearted husband can't bring himself to insist on a DNA test?

Hire an actor about the right age to come forth and claim to be a son also. Once they start lining up at the door so to speak he may see the fallacy of all of this.

But I suspect the test is going to bear the mother and kid out. In which case you're going to have to take the upper road despite your feelings about the walking proof that your darling wasn't so darling back in the day. This is the cause of your distaste for this situation. Were you a virgin when you married? Hey just sayin......

More people than the kid have grown up in the intervening years and you are one of them. Aren't you?

Agree a test needs to be done, or else no more discussion. Any future decisions on how to proceed must be based on FACTS - not supposition.

As far as your "anger" I believe you have the right to feel that way. Your entire life, and your children's, may be tipped on its head based on whether this guy is a legitimate son of your DH.

I also question the need to push for a relationship with the son and his daughter. Again, without facts why would anyone want to push their child to develop a relationship with your DH, kids, etc. without knowing for certain if there is a legitimate link. So I'd be suspicious on the REAL motive here.

Blood ties alone do not a family make. There are probably millions of people out there right now who might be surprised to find out that their father ... really isn't! Back in the day, before DNA and even blood tests, there was no certain way to know.

Years ago, and even now, many women just kept mum if they had a dalliance on the side. That's why there were always jokes about kids who "looked like the milkman" ... behind every joke there may be a hint of truth!

Nowadays there is a legitimate need to know, especially for medical reasons. God forbid if either this 22 year old, or your own kids, needed a close genetic relative for a transplant, transfusion, etc. then it's important to know for certain.

I found this an interesting post because my own DH married our BM knowing that his firstborn might not be his own DNA. Such was his love for her. He has always felt the OSD25 might not be his but he really does treat her as his own. (Funnily enough it is very clear to me as an outsider to all their DNA that she highly resembles his family). In addition, he had some affairs overseas in his early 20s and always wonders hypothetically if some young adult might not yet walk through the door and claim him as dad. Anyway I asked him his view on your DH approach and he said he could well understand the DH's need to be bighearted and feeling he should not reject the guy in case he was the true son, but for him the key point that is missing from this post is whether the guy at all resembles your DH. He feels that lack of resemblance would be his own starting point for requesting DNA. It might be that the BM in your case preferred guys who were all of the same physical type so that it would be no true clue, but my DH queries why this is not an issue raised between you and his own view is that if there were a strong resemblance, he personally would be even more likely to want to bypass DNA testing in order to make the guy feel more accepted. so, yes, as I suspected, this is not a straightforward issue for every guy. My DH analysed this further with me and though accepting the intellectual premise of most of us posting here, he suggests that what is at play is guilt at letting down one's children (including the potential ones) and that this is what may cause a man like himself or your DH to seek to avoid the clarity of DNA testing. I think what he's saying is that he personally feels guilt at having had some relationships earlier in life without taking proper responsibility for contraception, such that the women concerned could have conceived without his knowing. Ironic responsibility. It's so different for us women, usually.