Better days
Not on here in awhile. I am feeling better.....on antidepressant and things bet me and dh have gotten much better. This summer I have gotten more insight into what shaped my dh, and I see he is trying. Last month we spent a few days at his parents vacation home. I was shocked to see that everyone was expected to attend 9am mass Sunday, why? Because his father expected it. I now realize that dh's ex was very much like his father. Dh idolizes him, such that he fails to see the truth.
Unbelievably, at the dinner table one night, one of dh's brothers starts imitating my mother.....yes she is a character, but still, not cool! And then dh's father says that my father should have left my mother 30 years ago! Dh's mother, to her credit, says that is unkind and the evening goes on.
It was my father in laws birthday and he reads the group card out loud. All the names of the gift givers, including my children's names that dh had signed on the card. Dh's father then himself adds my dh's kids name, saying "when they choose to join the family." Nobody commented....
Of course, I became angry that I said nothing about the nasty comments about my mother. Then angry that dh said nothing! This stewed in my head overnight. I told dh, and unbelievably, he said I was making too much of it, and he never heard any comment from his father!!! I was pissed and set off outside myself. He did come out and told me he discussed with his brother , who did apologize to me. No comment about his father....why was I not surprised?
The last night at dinner, the man demanded we all wash our hands?? Before dinner. WTF? I rolled my eyes and dh went over to the sink.
So.....I am happy he did confront his brother, but I clearly see why he became the rescuer that he is.......
"he never heard any comment
"he never heard any comment from his father" Of course!!!! Denial is SO easy, isn't it? I'd be livid! Advise DH if he can not find it within himself to defend his wife, you will have to take on that role at the next family gathering. Sometimes our DHs assume we will stay silent. Now my DH knows if he doesn't stand up for me when I deserve his back, I will do so myself, and I do not care if he gets mad.
Thanks Sandy; we must be
Thanks Sandy; we must be related!
I would suggest giving your DH some golf balls (buy them at a yard sale - they're cheaper!) Then put those golf balls in your hand and tell your DH that you found his balls. I did this yesterday - my DH got the message loud and clear!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I asked his brother if
And I asked his brother if heard what their father said.....his brother told me that my dh is in denial. YES!! Look, I am not interested in arguing with an old man. He is not going to change. I think what upset me the most over it was my OWN silence at the table. This was my mother, and the comments were totally uncalled for. I do think this family has not accepted me and my kids. Dh's father is an enabler himself.
Yep! Someone recently used
Yep! Someone recently used the analogy that when mothers were mostly stay at home, the fathers TOOK THEIR WIVES WORD FOR IT WHEN THEY REPORTED WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY AS REGARDS THE CHILDREN THEN DISCIPLINED APPROPRIATELY ON WIVES SAY SO.
They didn't have to "see for themselves" what was going on while they were at work.
DH should have defended you and your mother and not been kissing HIS dad's netherquarters!
Next time light your father
Next time light your father in law up like a Xmas tree !!! You have no alias to that prick ~ anyone ever said anything about my parent ~ damn if be in their ass real quick. He's a gd bully ~ talking about people who aren't their to defend themselves. What a pussy !!!
F him !!! Your hubby is afraid to rock the boat ~ shit I would start a shit storm.
As we age the part of our
As we age the part of our brain that filters what we should and should not say starts to deteriorate and things we normally would not have said even ten years ago slips right through that filter. I.e. as you said he's an old man and I agree with you - let it go.
Which is not to say you have to sit there and take it. First, obviously, you can simply not appear at these functions again. Just don't go. Second you can defy the crowd by not going to Mass and when told everyone has to wash up you can say "Thanks for the reminder but I just got out of the bathroom". Go sit at the table and see if he asks you to leave and if he does go get a nice quiet dinner downtown by yourself.
If its particularly bad when you leave you can say you've got to get some supplies for your pentacle (often associated with devil worshipers) needed at the ceremony later that night.
I guess why I feel this
I guess why I feel this episode is significant is because my dh actually told me that I had imagined his father making ANY comment about my mother. He flat out denied it and accused me of escalating things! That is a troubling feeling that lingers, let me tell you. This is a man who never lies, is decent, and kind. So this behavior is very out of character. I do say I had a similar experience with his daughter years ago. Same setup. She said something awful, he denied it. However, he recently admits it like he never denied it to begin with, saying...." I was shocked when she said that".
I was pleased he confronted his brother, but not surprised he did not confront his father. His father does no wrong and my dh worships him. I intend to carry on as usual, but will not lift a finger for these people. Yes, I will attend gatherings, but keep it cordial. And keep in the back of my mind that dh has a hierarchy and I am not number one. That is ok, as long as I know it.
Yes, it is true that the
Yes, it is true that the frontal lobe usually shrinks as people approach 90, this affects tact and oral restraint. But this old man is still a bully, and should be pulled down a notch. Maybe it won't make much of a difference to him, but it would make a lot of difference for you and for others who are present and witnessing this total disrespect for not only your Mother but for you. No one, no matter how old, has the right to insult you and your family. Period. If your DH does it right he can clue his father in without creating hard feelings, such as, "Newimprvmodel loves her Mother very deeply. I hope you will, for my sake, respect that from now on."
No I don't agree that NIM
No I don't agree that NIM should rely on her DH, partly because the DH is in too much denial at the time being. What she needs to do imo, if she intends to go to these affairs, is to prepare herself to leap in immediately with a comment of her own but in a dignified and calm way (combining the immediacy of the response with the calm is a difficult one but can be done). Thus if the guy says something negative about her mom she needs to quickly say, "I think my mom would be really upset to hear that anyone thought that of her" or whatever and then leave a silence to descend. The guy will then either say something more offensive, allowing her to quietly leave the house and go somewhere nicer with justification, or he will learn to shut up.
Point taken. In an earlier
Point taken. In an earlier post I suggested she take up for herself. I forgot the DH was in denial but he was - probably wouldn't come to her defense. The old guy still needs to be pulled won a peg.
I should add that I believe
I should add that I believe his father is an alcoholic, albeit a functioning professional. Dh is classic for a child of an alcoholic....so I think maybe his denial is deeply entrenched when he gets confronted with painful truths.
I so agree. My MIL just
I so agree. My MIL just cannot resist negative digs at me and mine. I see her as little as possible and ensure that my bios are never left alone with her. If I see her, I know she is going to do something offensive so I sit as far off as possible and engage in conversation with others so that I hear nothing, unless of course my bios are there in which case I have to listen and monitor. I've got it down to about once per year now.