Well if it's not one things it's another. After going quite a while of showing no interest in DH, last night YSS calls to ask his Dad for money and lets him know he's starting community college in January. We haven't seen YSS in person in 6 months and he's less than an hour away from us. I have watched my DH grieve this relationship then he pipes up he'll do what he can for this son knowing he's had to take a pay cut from work that was the equivalent of this grown child dropping off child support. At times I feel like I'm truly being punished. If DH goes on and gives his son the money, I get to pay what doesn't get paid on bills. Before DH lost hours at work we had talked of helping YSS with what came back to us in child support but not a huge lump sum. YSS is looking into student loans, grants and the like. He still does NOT have a car and we are still ticked he got his girlfriend this nice diamond necklace for their one year dating anniversary as he should've had priorities on saving money for a car and college since he decided to not go through with entering the U.S. Navy (he would be in basic training in March 2010).
I feel like DH's son is throwing his life away for some girl who will go off to a college 3 hours away and forget about him once she's established there. He talks of marrying her in 7 years but I really don't know that many people in late teens that date that long then marry. Currently YSS's girlfriend is a Senior in high school and he graduated May 2009. I realize from therapy I can't control the situation but I don't want to feel a financial pinch because my husband is impressed this is his only child who's truly made an effort to pursue college and wants to stick with it. 3 of his 6 children dropped out of high school and only 2 of those got their GEDs.
I still don't have all the facts but it's tough. Before DH married me he was piss poor and I feel like I've made his life better while the crap from his children have made my life nothing but stressful. The sense of entitlement these children have is beyond my comprehension. Today in my therapy session the therapist compared my stepchildren to the leeches in the Chevy Chase National Lampoon Christmas Vacation movie. Remember Cousin Eddie coming for an unexpected visit and expecting Clark to provide for his entire family to have a nice Christmas with a convenient long list while out shopping at Wal-Mart? It feels like my life! My therapist got a huge kick out of the brownie box story from YSD and couldn't stay professional but burst out in laughter. When I told her YSD is too lazy to walk across the street to take her son to a pediatrician appointment because it would mean more steps to the crosswalk, she just shrugged. I told YSD today I won't be giving her any rides in 2010 unless I offer to help her out. I'm tired of feeling like I'm nothing more than their pawn for money and a taxi service. This gal is 22 years old, doesn't have her driver's license or her GED and everyone in her family makes excuses to keep babying her and she is married with a 1.5 year old son!
YSD tried again last night to force her way to get me to make 2 Christmas dinners. She flat out said she'd come eat with us Christmas Eve or the Saturday after Christmas Day and I corrected her quickly. She is eating with her mother and siblings Christmas Day at 3 p.m. and can come by before or after that else eat leftovers and snack food/cookies another time. I can tell all this Christmas prep is causing problems between DH and me. I'm not begrudging him his children but he needs to see they could care less about seeing him unless there is something in it for them. Yes, I understand his last "happy" Christmas was in 2003 when he was still married to ex#2 and all his children would gather at his home. Life goes on. Back then the oldest grandchild was 5 years old and a lot of the children had not married and had their own children. Why punish me when we could have a good Christmas just the 3 of us on Christmas Day with his children dropping in when they can with a few hours notice? I don't get to see my family that live out of state and that saddens me but I'm trying to make the most of it. My dad passed away this time of year 5 years ago. At least my DH still has both his parents living and blessings he could count if he'd only try. I did find out from his best friend he mentioned the whole last happy Christmas to him as well so now I wonder if my DH still has a thing for his ex-wife. I am thankful his best friend spoke up for me and told my DH to be happy where he's at, to quit looking back at the past, and make the most of what he has today. Yes, I wish my first husband hadn't died when my son was 6 years old but I've accepted that my life will never be the same after that, same as my dad dying.
What would you think if this were you? Should I be worried? My DH is never open with me about anything that bothers him. He just stuffs his feelings inside and leaves me to wonder why he's so distant with me and my son. I'm not forcing him to stay married to me but I'm not going to be compared to the ex-wives and the wonderful memories he had with them til he seeks counseling or at least learns ways to cope. I've tried to get him into counseling but he doesn't want to open up to anyone period. I just want to survive the holidays and start new traditions so the Christmases that follow this one don't seem so dreary. To top it off, I caught my husband's cold over the weekend and want to get well by Saturday as we have a party to go to at his oldest daughter's house. He refuses to go if I don't go with him. I'm really achy and think it's turning into an upper respiratory infection but don't dare tell him that unless I get a confirmation from a doctor. If I'm not better by Thursday afternoon, I'm seeing the doctor on Friday. I'm so stressed I wonder if my body will heal. Know the feeling?
I think our DHs test us to
I think our DHs test us to see if they can force us to do some ridiculous thing. Yesterday mine called me at work to say he is going to ask SD to come back with him when he goes to visit her, and just live with us. I was livid as he did not intend to wait for courts to emancipate her so we could stop supporting BM, and that he did not even talk to me about it, because right now the answer is no! He is out of work but wanted to promise to pay for her school, etc. which is just fantasy right now! That is the short version, but he did try then pouted when I blew up and even said he was moving out then, which really ticked me off. Later he tried to pass it off as a 'joke' but got his ears laid back for that too.
If they can talk us into their weird alternate skid world, they think that will please everyone when really it will make their wife bust a gut-! LOL but I did find out recently I almost have high blood pressure so am trying not to get upset.
I personally applaud you for making only one big meal, as that is the manipulation central of family gatherings it seems to me! We have the same problem so much that I boycotted Thanksgiving with what is left of my family and have for the past several years it is so political since my mom is basically gone with Alzheimers.
I don't know if you know you will have problems when visiting daughter, but I do think it would be nice if you could go since he really wants you to. Of course if you are sick you should not further jeopardize your health and they will just have to get over it. Sometimes I think my DH also wants me to go because he can't deal with them either!
re. whining for the past, that would tick me off. I would say that you have heard the things he has been saying and remind him, he is responsible for making things special too, he is not a child to have everything done for him. That you three are a family too, or even just you and him are a family, and you deserve to have your own happy holiday together first of all, and own holiday traditions too without the gang if they won't cooperate.
He does not have to be with you and if that is his concern he needs to take action for better or worse and not just whine behind your back. Sorry but I would say that to DH and have when I felt he used to 'mourn' his former marriage and lifestyle when we first met. Bottom line (some) men are stupid and don't know a good thing when they have it, then we have to hear it LOL-! Do NOT let this go unnoticed IMO.
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"What luck for rulers that men do not think."
Adolf Hitler (1889 - 1945)My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.
~ Jim Valvano
Forgive me if you've already
Forgive me if you've already wrote this, but what is the deal with christmas dinner? Is your new tradition to just have it with your husband and your son?
Here's my take. I think you
Here's my take. I think you might be on high alert because of the way you've been shafted. People can't take advantage of us unless we allow them to. Sounds like you've helped enable them and resent it. And I think that is perfectly normal. I think the natural reaction is to do what we need to do to protect ourselves, like withdrawing completely. It's black and white, cut and dry, with few exceptions.
I think we can tend to overreact when this is the case, and rightfully so. But if we appear to be too extreme, it becomes like trying to shove a square peg into a round hole. It starts to backfire on us. I think most people, when they know our situation, would agree that we have the right to withdraw or disengage. But if there appears to be an effort on the other side, if we don't respond appropriately, we risk looking too harsh.
I don't blame you a bit for not wanting to "help" that kid with college, particularly given his priorities. His priority apparently is his girlfriend, not college. I'm really familiar with screwed up priorities in "college" attempts and paying for them. The fact is, if a kid wants a college degree, they'll be serious about it. This kid needs to prove he's serious or his "attempt" will cost you if he fails. One of the most successful parenting techniques I've seen anyone use is when they had the kid pay for their own tuition and books up front. Then the parents reimbursed the kid for classes passed at C or above. Hence, the kid pays for his failures, not you. Yes, this means the kid will need to work to get the funds first. If he's not a serious contender for college, this won't kill him. But just paying for his classes up front, if he's a slacker, is a recipe for failure. We have learned well the effort DH's daughters have put forth when it was on our dime, versus their own. However, I suppose you won't be able to dictate this to your DH. Your DH will need to figure out what he wants.
But as for Christmas, I think the timing thing could backfire. What's the point of even having a Christmas dinner if the time is so set by you that your DH is pissed during dinner? Your son will feel the tension. Your Christmas dinner will be miserable. I understand your rationale. You don't want your Christmas dinner time dictated by the time BM has hers or by your Skids schedules. I'd look for an alternative. Slow cook a ham for Christmas Eve and have them come over, and then plan to cook what I want for DH, me and our kid on Christmas Day. My DH doesn't let me know a whole lot when he's pissed either. But I can guarantee you this. If I plan something and he's pissed, our time will be ruined one way or the other. You have to think about what you want. Do you want peace and happiness this Christmas? Or do you want do have your DH stewing in resentment towards you? Hell, have him cook dinner on Christmas Eve. My DH would make pizzas. I'd be cool with that. Have the skids pitch in on the clean up too. Or freak them all out and invite them to church Christmas Eve.
"I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!" - Dr. Suess
My DH told me that he is
My DH told me that he is depressed for Christmas. That is his choice. I didnt even ask him why,cuz I dont care!! I am happy & that is all that matters to me.