How much attention does he need???
Due to BM basically abandoning the skids at ages 3 & 4, I have tried to be very understanding of the need for DH to show consistent attention to the skids. However, they have lived with DH & I since age 5 & 6, they are now 11 & 13. I have noticed over the last 6yrs that the more time DH spends with SS the more SS requires from DH. It is not a situation where SS is lacking for attention, DH spends quality time with SS & BM has even been doing better about spending time with him. All the other children in our home are satisfied with the amount of attention we provide. But just an example of what I deal with: After DH spent an hour playing football with SS, he came into the house to get ready for dinner & showers & bed for the night. SS followed him into the house...and into our bedroom...where I was getting dressed after my shower! DH told him to go play with the other kids. Before DH could get his shower, SS was knocking on our door. I explained DH was in the shower and asked what he needed? His response "I just wanted to see what dad was doing?" I repeated the earlier instruction to go play with the other children. I started cooking dinner while DH showered & SS sat on our couch WAITING for DH. DH came through the house, found SS sitting and waiting & asked why he wasn't outside with the other kids? SS's response "I was waiting on you". DH again instructed "Go play"...as he walks into the kitchen to help me with dinner & SS trails behind him. I have a rule, no children in the kitchen while I cook (kinda crowded if there are 6 of us in the kitchen while we are cooking). At this point I was irritated, (as normal) by the fact that SS is never satisfied unless he has DH's 100% attention on him, so I sternly said "Get out of the kitchen until I am finished cooking"...so SS goes back to the couch & immediately calls for DH to come watch TV with him. DH said "No, I am helping cook dinner". We set the table, call everyone into eat. We all eat dinner together, with SS sitting beside DH of course. After dinner I walked outside & DH came out to sit on the patio with me...of course SS in tow. I just couldn't handle anymore of it, so I went back inside. DH came in about 10mins later...with SS in tow! This is a specific night I have given you, but it is basically the same everyday/night in my home! Why can't this kid play with the other kids? Why does he need so much of DH's attention? I can not imagine this is normal, because there are 3 other children in the home that are nothing like this. How can I help this kid stop requiring so much from DH & learn to play with kids his own age or to be more independent in general?
DH does tell him "No" and
DH does tell him "No" and after 6yrs of this I don't feel confident that SS will ever get it. I have disengaged from this skid, but that doesn't mean his behavior doesn't still affect me in one way or another. It makes me angry that I can't have an uninterrupted conversation with my DH. It's really not DH's fault he really does try to balance between skids and marriage, this skid is just over the top needy. I sometimes feel like he is doing it on purpose.
He needs to be weaned. He's
He needs to be weaned. He's insecure because he hasn't developed much of a life outside of dad so he thinks he needs dad.
Dad needs to start giving him a choice. "No body's watching TV right now, period. You can go outside and play with them or you can clean the bathroom."
Observe him as he plays with the other kids or talk to his teachers. Is he happily interacting with them or is he hanging back, shy? How is he on group projects at school? Does he work well with the other kids or does he consistently have problems integrating himself?
Depending on theses answers, he may need help learning to mix with peers.
One of my friends taught her daughter social skills and confidence by giving her 5 dollars if she could report the color of a guest's eyes. The money was not earned by just going up and looking or by asking "what color are your eyes?" The kid had to engage the person in natural conversation and maintain eye contact.
Get creative with these kinds of exercises for him, both the carrot and the stick. He will be a happier kid for it.
He isn't shy. He starts out
He isn't shy. He starts out making friends easily enough...but eventually the friends back away because of his behavior. Kids at school have different reasons, but family & family friends with children his age all say the same thing..."Skid doesn't want to do anything except with his dad". Example: Family get together: 10 people present, skid and cousin are 2 months apart in age. Cousin asked skid "You want to go throw the football?" Skid replies "Not right now, I'm waiting on my dad to come play football with me". Keep in mind, DH had told him to go play with the cousin while the adults talk. It's just weird to me that someone his age wanted to do something he is interested in, & even though DH told him he wasn't going to play with him...he would sit & wait & hope DH would change his mind.
It IS weird. Then take the
It IS weird.
Then take the other approach I mentioned. He can go play football with his cousin, or he can go in the kitchen and start washing dishes for his aunt who's hosting the party (or whoever).
Always give him 2 choices: one is to play with peers, the other is to do something very undesirable. But under no circumstances is he allowed to wait for Dad to come play with him.
My stepdaughter is now 15. Her entire life she's been allowed to do only things with her brother or a parent. She doesn't want to play with her peers, she wants to do it with Dad/Mom/brother. So what we have now is a kid who is dysfunctional in many ways.
Really. Make it stop now. When he's a teen it will be much, much harder. Please tell Dad he won't "grow out of it" naturally. He needs help. Make sure your husband understands that -- the kid needs his HELP.
This barnacle behavior has gone on way too long and he is way too old for it. His development is stunted, he is becoming emotionally handicapped.
A habit is very powerful. He needs help breaking the habit of hanging on dad. Once he's been forced to play and leave dad for many occasions (probably at least 6 months or more) he will start to be focused more outward and forget his faux need for Dad's constant attention.
Thanks for the advise, I will
Thanks for the advise, I will definitely try this approach!