usually the bad ones always rub off on the good ones - never the other way around.

so no matter what you do, your bio will probably pick up the bad habits and behaviors of their half siblings if they are living under the same roof.

i never really wanted my own kids, but now i know that it is IMPOSSIBLE as i would not want my child anywhere near my spoiled SD and her rotten attitude and behavior, and her father's lackadaisical approach to both.

If you are married to a guy who allows his kids to do a laundry list of things you disagree with then he's not the guy to father your kids is he?

lol. YES! You are not alone!!!! (and neither am i, obviously) Im so excited to start having my own kids. But HELL THE EFF NO will I ever allow my children to be like my step children. I have already warned DH about this. I tell him all the time, "you've got another thing coming when we have a kid and you think that behavior is going to fly." Then I also worry about things like this: We have a great relationship with BM. We are at all of their baseball games, and soccer games, and school functions, and all the joint family bday parties (BM has bday parties for the kids and its me, my DH, the kids, her family, our family.... its nice for the kids I guess and Im glad we all get along, but sometimes i think this is so weird) But anyways, we are swamped with events of all sorts for my Skids. It makes me wonder if i'll be sitting at home with a baby while hes at all their events. and when OUR baby gets older how the hell we will manage events for all three kids. I feel like his may always come first.

My Skids to things I would never let my own kids do. I've tested the waters enough times with discussions with DH about "isn't that a bit wrong?" or "that doesn't make any sense" or "because of this behaviour they're now doing this and it drives me up the wall!" And I see what his response is. Overwhelmingly he's agreed with me. The problem with the Skids was that their BM was raising them in a way that he didn't really agree with or didn't see bc she never worked and he had to travel to work to support her mooching ass, so wasn't able to parent the way he'd probably like. Plus he was much younger. We've since had lots of conversations as the kids have grown about what things they do wrong or right and why. And I've been in their lives long enough to see the ramifications of this behaviour as they enter their late teens, and sometimes its not pretty. However since they moved in with us 4 years ago, we've started turning them around. Most of the time they can see that what I point out is correct but the behaviour and automatic thought process doesn't align with, you know, common sense, as a result of their early upbringing. A lot of the time he ignores things that annoy him (male coping mechanism), but will pipe up and pull them up on things that I point out, which I ask him to do so I don't seem like evil SM. He usually agrees with me its just the effort in pulling them up that gets him.

In a nutshell, I wouldn't want my kids to turn out that way (they're not bad, they just drive me nuts), but I also think that you've got to see whether DH will let them turn out the same way, otherwise you could be fighting an ongoing uphill battle if nothing's looking like it will be any different.

I worry about this too! Like my kids will go to bed at an early time! I'm more worried about SD7 trying to cart around a baby like they are her doll at this point lol she has boundary issues with moving, touching, etc. Things that aren't hers even after multiple warnings and doing it anyway.

Also SD will be at least 9 years older so a teen by the time bios are 5yo . And that's when you say to bios "Well SD is 14 so she gets to stay up later" or to SD "Bio is only 5 so he needs more attention right now, you were the same age once and acted the same way!" As far as manners, theres no compromise wit bios. "Obviously no one taught SD how to act appropriately, but you guys are expected to follow these rules" I just plan to hold my kids accountable regardless of what anyone else does.

So glad I found this site! I worry about this a lot. Bf's son is 6 now but is allowed to call all the shots. He has Bf at his beck and call when he's here on weekends. That's not how I was raised and that is certainly not the way I would raise my kids. He's so coddled by both parents and both sides grandparents. He's not expected to pick up after himself, help clear the table, keep his room clean, get any food even a juice box for himself, dressing himself, bathing himself. God even wiping his own butt and brushing his teeth. He can be as loud as he wants because any gathering turns into him putting on a show for everyone to ensure he's always the centre of attention. My siblings and I grew up with very traditional rules and the "children should be seen and not heard" approach for any parties or big dinners etc. I would never dream of interrupting adults having a conversation just to tell them about this scene from the latest movie I saw. I've suggested so many times to bf and he agrees for the most part, but realizes he can't change what BM is doing as she has custody. Since they've been separated since SS was 1, she's basically had free reign to pick whatever parenting style she wants and bf has just had to adopt the same style too as she is always holding the child over his head to get her way. I see the way that extended family look at SS when he's being his usual obnoxious self and I always think to myself, "I would never allow my future children to behave this way". As we've now been living together for almost 2 years I'm putting my foot down and not allowing any of that behavior in MY home. I don't care if BM wants to raise a lazy, ungrateful, obnoxious, ill mannered brat, I will not tolerate someone acting like that under my roof. I wouldn't accept that from any other guest in my home, why should he be any different? "Because he's just a child"? I'm sick to death of hearing that bs. I just hope that by the time we do decide to have a baby together, he'll be old enough that I can use the "he's older, different rules, you follow my rules". I'm also hoping that by that point bf will remember what a real baby is and start treating his son a little more adult-like instead of a toddler. If he doesn't learn about responsibility, respect and independence soon, he'll be spoiled.

If your DH does not have the man sack or spine to effectively parent his prior relationship spawn what makes you think he will suddenly grow a pair and a backbone to parent children he has with you effectively.

Also, if you will not put DH in his place and jerk a knot in your Skid's tails what are the odds that you will with your own children that will share the same father with your Skids?

Equity life partners are also equity parents to any children in the home regardless of kid biology. My bride and I teamed well in raising my SKid .... most of the time. However, when she took excetion to how parented or disciplined she had a choice. Step up and get it done before I had to or zip her lips and take any comments she may have to me about it off line.

Your DH needs the same message and you need to fill in where he lacks the testicular fortitude to do it.

Have kids. They are a blessing but do not tolerate non-parenting from the man you choose to spawn with.

IMHO of course.

Whenever I think about having children I also think about this. Bf and I have actually had many conversations about this exact thing, too. There are many bad habits that bf's dd4 learned while living mostly with her mom while bf was in the service. Those behaviors have not totally changed as bf only has dd4 on the weekends. It's hard to change behaviors in 2 days. Bf and I both agree that the way that we will raise our child together someday will be much different. I'm not sure how that will affect his daughter when she is with us then but I'm hoping I'll be distracted enough by my own bio that her bad sleeping and eating habits will be the least of my concern at that point.

I used to reallly want a family/my own children. I would purposely date only men who seemed like good providers/potential good daddies. But after being in the relationship im in, with his daughter who is absolutely his world, and im nothing compared to her or his holiness exwife "the mother of his child!", I cant even fathem the idea of having kids/my own family anymore. I am utterly disgusted at my situation and myself for being involved in such a terrible situation for myself. Ive been an ignored unappreciated by everyone, BYSTANDER, in his life and to his daughter.

Being involved with a single dad who diisrespects his fiance (me) is the VERY best birth control. I cant even conjure the idea of sleepong with him....and i havent in months! My vagina has turned itself inside out.....i actually may have the beginnings of a penis soon. Kids?!! SO FAR from my mind with him. And i dont like how he parents anyway. He is lazy, lacks discipline. And my future kids would never be as lazy, whiney, dependent, humorless, and personalityless, like his kid.

The best thing about having my own biokid(s) would be that I'd contribute better genetics, and be there from the start to nip nonsense in the bud, unlike the dumbass genes my skids got from their mother and the dumbass behaviors allowed (and passively encouraged) by their stepfather. My biokid(s) would be starting off with an advantage.