My marriage is ending because of stepdaughter
This is my first post, please be gentle. My husband and I have been married for 5 and a half years. I brought a daughter from my previous marriage, he brought a daughter from his first marriage (mom died when SD was 16 months old) and a son from his second marriage. BD is 9, SD is 14, and SS is 12.
In the beginning, I was very close with both of his kids. More recently, I've started feeling like SD is intentionally coming between DH and I. Anytime we are walking through a store or a parking lot, she will work her way to his side, bumping me out of the way in the process. She and DH have been discussing and deciding on things I feel should be a group discussion for the 3 of us or between DH and I (summer camps, attending church without me, her getting contacts). He has also started sharing information about our marriage with her. He tells her anytime I'm mad at him, anytime we have a disagreement and doesn't agree with me when I tell him it's none of the kids business. I've told him that I feel like she doesn't want me around, but he obviously disagrees. I told her in front of him a few weeks ago... She didn't deny it.
There used to be little things that I would do to show him love such as a hug from behind our a kiss on the shoulder. She has picked up on these things and started doing them to DH. I feel weird doing these things now so I stopped. I don't want him to think I'm his daughter when I'm trying to show affection. When I try to express my feelings about this, he becomes angry.
I don't know what to do anymore. I can't talk to DH about anything without him becoming angry. I feel like all the love I had for this girl has turned in to pure hatred. I love my husband, but I can't continue to live this way.
Google Mini-Wife
Google Mini-Wife Syndrome.
And good luck.
It's not you. It's her, it's
It's not you. It's her, it's a teenager thing. Girls with out a positive bio-mom influence act out.
^^^ this. His sharing things
^^^ this. His sharing things about your marriage needs to END. He needs to get a best friend, and that is not his daughter. That's just beyond inappropriate. She is not confidante. Does he tell her things about work? She's a child. She has no business knowing adult, private things about your marriage.
The showing affection part like you do, eh. Annoying and weird. Ignore it. Don't react. She will likely do less and less as she gets older (or gets a boyfriend).
The speaking to him about contacts, etc. I don't know. I think that's okay? He's her dad. I would be fine with that. I'm sure you feel "left out," but if you don't push, she may be more likely to come to you for things.
Try counseling for yourself,
Try counseling for yourself, not that you're wrong, but as pointed out above this can be a phase. As an adult its possible you can deal with this on your own once you better understand what's going on.
Start out going alone, perhaps the counselor will ask to see your husband and SD in the course of time.
If it's still intolerable you can then plan a organized departure.
IMO, just as important as the
IMO, just as important as the individual counseling being recommended, is to put a zip on your DH's mouth.
With him telling his daughter all about his marriage relationship, when he's angry at you blah blah, he's setting this teen up to seeing you as threatening enemy. You're 'mean' to her Dad. You make Dad sad/angry. Dad needs protected from evil wife/SM. Dad needs 'me' to comfort him.
This is a young teen who is basically on 'Mom' figure #3 in 14yrs. BM passed on, there was a SM#2 and now a SM#3. Her father has been the only constant in her life. If Dad is bad mouthing you to her and/or sharing with her all the adult issues going on (which you are correct, its not her business) he's doing this kid and any relationship you may have built with SD a terrible disservice...because naturally SD is going to try and protect herself, her father, their home.
IMO your husband may every while be playing a major role in in the switch of behavior coming from his daughter.
It may be a phase for the kid
It may be a phase for the kid but it isn't for the dad.
To me, confiding in the girl about our marriage would be intolerable and I would let him know. And I would mean it.
I also understand perfectly the getting excluded in conversations, especially ones that are not really appropriate to be giving the kid such standing in. My SD same age does the same damn thing and it's driving me to the insane asylum.
These are serious issues.
Go to counseling or start packing. If you wait any longer, you will jump off a bridge one day. Set some boundaries. Wickedcool's bf joke was a great one.
You know, if you don't take action -- and sorry this isn't quite gentle -- it may be that you are missing a signal. Maybe it's your husband's indirect way of communicating that he's tired of this marriage. You know, how lots men try to "break up" with a girl without actually breaking up? I would flat out ask him. And if that doesn't get his attention, nothing will.
Not to mention the elbowing
Not to mention the elbowing aside to walk with dad. I've lived through that.
We got it fixed in the first 6 months. I'd be a single lady by now if we hadn't.
Seriously. My youngest SD (8
Seriously. My youngest SD (8 at the time) was like that when DH and I were dating. She'd try to jump in a seat next to DH (and push me aside) if we went out to eat, or walk in between us. Once I'd gone to his house for dinner and he was going to walk me out to my car (and kiss me goodnight), and she tried to come too. Fortunately, DH didn't put up with that nonsense, much less encourage it! He told her to move if she grabbed the only seat next to him, held my hand while walking and shooed her to walk in front of us, and when she tried to come outside that time he sent her to bed. }:)
There's a reason I was willing to marry him....
Rather than abdicate your
Rather than abdicate your place at your DH's side and the intimate contact and affection with your DH to your SD put her in her place and let him know that if he does not nip this bullshit in the ass immediately it could get him a call from CPS regarding mollestation charges. If someone were to misinterpret SD's affections of course.
If you are with your DH you are at his side. The kids can take a step off. Let SD know that what she is doing is disgusting and let DH know that he is more disgusting than she is for tolerating it. Call them on it in public in front of anyone present. His boss and coworkers, SDs' friends, teachers, grand parents, etc................
I am not one to give in or give up. I either win or I learn and change tactics until I do win.
If what I have suggested does not get the message across then step up your affections to DH. Grab his crotch. Wrap a leg around his waist, dive in for some major toncil hockey and then give SD a look and say "You are not a woman yet Skid and you will never be able to do with my husband what I do." }:)
Good luck.
I just ended my relationship
I just ended my relationship due to my SD10's jealous and territorial behavior. We were engaged and had talked about getting married next year. I am so glad that I didn't. Her BM enables her jealous and manipulative behavior and does not have the word "no" in her vocabulary. SD sneaks food, was mean to my very sweet dog, lays on the sofa all weekend, is called annoying and manipulative by her cousins and grandparents, doesn't help with chores, complains if she doesn't get french fries and fried chicken, and the BM thinks this is perfectly okay. SD used to wake us up in the middle of the night for "nightmares", walk through our bedroom to get to the bathroom instead of using the main hallway, walk in the middle of us making love, and climb in the bed the next day which completely grossed me out. After many incidents like this, my libido is almost non-existent.
I recently moved away and they were supposed to join me, but I ended it by phone. Now this makes me a horrible person on the outside, but as I recovered from not arguing with the BM and not being aggravated by the SD, I realized what life I used to have I attempted this relationship. It has taken me over two weeks to recover from sleep deprivation and not being upset, i.e., becoming a happy adult again. What a relief! I can't stand the SD and when I see her photo I see a devil child.
The sad part is that I miss my ex-girlfriend, who is a kind person and gentle soul. She has self-acknowledged and overcompensating for her neglectful and disapproving mother and understandably unhappy childhood. I tried to reason with her that this isn't helping her daughter, and that her daughter is going to grow up to be not a nice person. Perhaps the SD will learn that her behavior results in a poorer standard of living for them both, since her mom is now a single mom again? Ours was the third relationship for the BM with this SD, and the other parent stopped visitation almost two years ago due to this SD causing conflicts and problems during THEIR visitation weekends. Will either one of them make the connection between their poor behaviors and driving everyone away? Even the grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins do not visit them even though they live just across town. I am so happy I haven't seen the SD in over a month and don't have to!
My SD behaved exactly like
My SD behaved exactly like this early in the relationship and marriage. She was 7 at the time. I guess if I had read about mini-wife syndrome I might have run away back then. The fact that we only had her every other weekend made it easier to hide/control my anger over her behavior from my husband. I would just make other plans with my family and three kids. Then, about 1 year into the marriage I calmly pointed out to him that if she got mad enough, or the BM manipulated her enough (and SD was always unstable mentally) SD could claim he molested her when she insisted he sleep with her. He was horrified and had honestly not thought of that. We both knew the BM was capable of anything. So, he immediately put a stop to most of that behavior. Now, ten years later, we have problems sure, but overly affectionate SD is certainly not one of them.