A Critical Juncture
I'm seeing a counselor tomorrow on this problem, but am interested to see what others think as well. My wife and I live in our own home with our daughter age 13. My stepson (age 34) lived with us until a year ago. We had a long history of violence from him, and he is large (350 lbs). During his last year living with us he ended his violence. He then married the woman with whom he already had two autistic toddlers. Since his wife had a daughter (now age 10) from another man, he is now also a step-dad. The five of them now live together rent free in his stepmother's home, in squalid conditions I have been told. He is 10K in debt with no savings and a credit score too low to sign a lease on their own even if they had the money. He has a very modest income and they receive some public assistance.
Here's my problem. He is asking to move back into our home for nine months with his entire family, so he could get on his feet financially. My wife loves the idea. I think it would be a disaster even if were only for the nine months, though I don't see how they will become self sufficient given any amount of time. He would need to contact his creditors whom he avoids, get a second job, cut all expenses to the bone (including cell phone, no more lotto tickets, etc.), pay off his debts and save for a place of their own. He has never shown the drive or discipline to do these things. Instead he "borrows" money each week from my wife which is never paid back (which doesn't bother her, because "he has it so hard"). Regardless, I would not even want to go home with him there, except to be a parent for my daughter, who is a wonderful girl. My relationship with my wife has been poor for a long time due to the stepson issues.
So do I try to play Jesus, and make whatever sacrifices are necessary to float my stepson's family (which will make my wife ecstatic), or do I hold my ground (and risk divorce) in the hope of keeping my home a place I want to go home to at the end of the day?
Divorce or live with SS and
Divorce or live with SS and family? Divorce. That would be an easy one for me.
Why hasn't he been able to "get on his feet" while living rent free somewhere else? What will be different? Uhm, nothing? Except conditions won't be squalid and his mother will dote on him while you lose your mind.
The main things that concern
The main things that concern me about divorce are not being there for my daughter (for her benefit and my enjoyment as a father), and how to have a life after taxes and child support payments. I'm certainly not ruling it out, and it may be the best course, but that path isn't all sunshine. Seems like I have to choose my poison and come to peace with it.
I also wonder a little bit whether I am being selfish in not letting them move in, but when I imagine my life in that circumstance, I don't think I could take it, especially if they never leave. There would be no sanctuary.
Call a divorce lawyer and go
Call a divorce lawyer and go for full custody. Your wife is going to ruin your life with that kid.
Sounds like my brother. He's
Sounds like my brother. He's 42 and I'm the only one in the family who hasn't given him money. He helped me move last year and I gave him $80 for the day, but that was it. Because he WORKED and earned it. The next month he asked me for $5000 to move out of state with his new GF and her daughter, swearing he would pay me back. I said no and I haven't heard from him in over a year.
I refused to be an enabler. Tell your wife she can continue to give her son money, but he's not moving into your home. He's 34 and he won't change until he DECIDES to change. He will ruin your home, and the other posters are right....You'll become a maid cleaning up after SS's family. A young family at that. The kids aren't even old enough to help out much. And just think of the utilities with an additional 5 people in your home. No way.
Stand your ground. Or move out for a year and come back when he's gone. Like that would ever happen. He won't leave.
~ Moon
They live rent free somewhere
They live rent free somewhere else, leave them there.
If they cannot get back on their feet now, living rent free, why is it going to be different at your house?
They will find a way to do it on their own, if they really want to.
A couple of years ago, my SD asked my DH if she, her husband, and their 2 kids could "stay" with us. I told my husband, "Absolutely not." It's not that they were homeless, they were just wearing out their welcome with other family members that they lived with. And they shouldn't have been living with family members in the first place.
They made bad choices. They chose to not use birth control and have 2 kids 1 year apart, they chose to not pay their rent in 3 different rentals (even though the husband had a decent job AND they got food stamps), they chose to not make their car payment resulting in the car getting repoed.
I was not willing to risk my emotional well being for these idiots. I felt guilty for a minute and that's how I found this site, which confirmed that I did the right thing.
My husband knew how much stress it would have put on me and our relationship. As much as he loves his daughter, our marriage comes first. And always has.
My SD's husband has since divorced her. She had no job, no job experience, no high school diploma, no GED,
nothing. Her and her 2 kids moved in with her mother. She didn't even ask to move in with us (I'm sure she knew what the answer would be). I want her to do well but it will not be by living with me.
I just couldn't do it. And if I had a daughter of my own, I for sure wouldn't do it, disrupting her life by bringing this dysfunctional family into her home.
Your wife needs to stop enabling her grown ass son.
I just turned 37. I've been
I just turned 37. I've been on my own, out of my parents's house for 20 years. As one of your stepson's peers, I'm telling you that your wife is doing him no favors by coddling him. It's beyond ridiculous.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooo.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooo. You know he's never going to change. Just no. The worst thing Mommy is doing is giving him money and you know it. So now you want to join the line passing out money (indirectly perhaps)?
No, just plain no.
If she mentions divorce tell her she better prepare to meet the worst fire breathing dragon attorney in the state because s/he'll be representing you at the custody hearing.
I would try to get your wife
I would try to get your wife to agree to provide her son credit and financial counseling. Then they will have the tools to survive on their own. And maybe if needed a cleaning service. Some nutritional intervention also if needed. And some mental health counseling since dealing with 2 autistic kids can be exhausting depending on where they fall in the spectrum.
Tell her it's better for them & the kids if they are self sufficient because they will not be able to lean on your wife forever.
This is assuming they are not being evicted. Then they may need more intervention, but it's better to help them stand on their own then live with you
He can get on his feet at his
He can get on his feet at his current living arrangement. Why does he need to move back in with you? There's more to his plan than he is telling you about. He should have already cut out all the unnecessary bills. If he hasn't, he's not going to after he moves in. There is no way that they are all going to move in for only 9 months. You'll be dealing with this for years.
I can't imagine living in a house with 4 adults and 4 children unless it was huge and everybody had their own space. Autistic children can be a handful. Does your daughter get along with these kids?
It just seems like a disaster waiting to happen.
Sorry!
I did something like that,
I did something like that, thinking I would be the good, supportive SP. It ended my marriage. SD22 was moving in w/2 sgkids, no babydaddies, "until she got on her feet". After 2 years my wife bought them a house (she now pays the $1500/month mortgage), SD popped out sgk #3 (still no babydaddy). They took over my wife's life.
Hell of a day. Saw a
Hell of a day. Saw a counselor (LCSW) alone as DW saw counseling as a delaying tactic. She was wrong as I was genuinely looking for options other than divorce and having SS + family move in. I come home to DW making ultimatum with only those two options. That definitely rubbed me the wrong way. So I held firm, said no and gave my reasons. She says I am cold hearted and not family oriented. The irony of it ... All the years of violence, theft, manipulation and disrespect from this guy, and my wife continues to give him our money, And I am the bad guy not doing enough. So DW gives SS the bad news and he texts her that he is cutting her off from him and her grandchildren for choosing to stay married to me (which I think is not really where things are headed). Quite the manipulator. Let's see what tomorrow brings.
DW and SS basically bum-rushing me on this definitely backfired on them. They would have had much better luck patiently alleviating some of my concerns by him making positive changes where is now living.
I somehow managed to get in some great quality time with my DD this afternoon which I fear will evaporate if this ends in divorce. Fathers are rarely given custody, and my daughter if forced to choose might well choose mom, at least initially.
What did the counselor
What did the counselor say?
What does your wife think about her low life son using his kids against her?
Definitely stand your ground because I don't think you giving in is going to have any better of an outcome.
I guess if your wife wants to leave and go elsewhere to support her son & his family, that is on her but I would guess she doesn't really want to deal with them by herself. If she tells YOU to leave, just don't. If she wants to divorce you over her grown son's incompetence, she can be the one to move out.
Please don't assume that you
Please don't assume that you will not get custody. Fathers are given custody more often now. If you have to present this situation in court it will not look good for DW. Good luck, don't budge, and if she wants divorce SHE can move out.