Does your DH ask skids irrelevant opinion on EVERYTHING
Some examples of DH asking SD7 her opinion on things:
1. DH and I are discussing paint colors/decorations for our new home. We both agree on stuff and I’m happy about it.
DH: Hey SD what do you think? Should we paint this room XYZ color? What color do you like? What should we hang on the walls? What about upstairs?
SD: Well I think it needs to be blue in here. The colors you guys like will not look good in this house. Also upstairs needs to be green. We can hang this picture on that wall and this decoration over there. (SD proceeds to rearrange the pillows on the couch)
SD: Dad don’t you like the pillows this way, they look way nicer now.
DH: Yeah SD they do look nice.
In my head thinking (WTF, tell her to go put the pillows back the way StepLife arranged them!!!)
2.DH asks me what restaurant I want to go to for dinner.
ME: I want to go to xyz restaurant that sounds good tonight!
DH: SD what about you, where do you want to go?
SD: I want to go to ABC restaurant tonight!
DH: Well let me think about it for a little while.
WTF, why did he even ask me? Makes me not want to go at all!
I brought up this asking my opinion then SD’s right after and how it annoys the crap out of me and he said. “Well it’s not like I’m going to let her choose, I just like to see what she thinks”
I sort of understand wanting to ask to encourage creativity about paint, etc. But ask about something that’s actually relevant to a child!
“SD what color of paint to you want to use for this art notebook”
“SD what do you want off the menu at the restaurant”
Last time I checked SD didn’t pay for the house and doesn’t get to decide how it’s painted/decorated/arranged.
DH asks her about stuff then he tells her “Well we are going to do what StepLife wants” followed by SD’s whining “Awww I wanted (fill in blank here)”
Does anyone else get annoyed by these scenarios? Or is it just me? It’s not the end of the world, but it gets under my skin.
"DH asks her about stuff then
"DH asks her about stuff then he tells her “Well we are going to do what StepLife wants” followed by SD’s whining “Awww I wanted (fill in blank here)”"
ugh, which then is painting the image in her head that you are the bad guy because her dad always chooses you.
Yep. He is totally setting
Yep. He is totally setting you up to be the bad guy. This is not acceptable. Age appropriate things, just like you said. Paint, notebook. Opinion, Menu.
It's not just daddies and
It's not just daddies and daughters! My DH does this with his sons constantly and it drives me up a wall! I don't ask my kids things that they ultimately do not get to have a say in.
For instance we were looking into buying a new house with a little more room, we saw a few. DH has them pulled up on the web. Two I didn't like...one was a possibility...here's what occurred:
DH: (to Ss14 & Ss12). Hey guys, I found these houses. Hanging likes this one kind of so we might go look at it. What do you guys think?
SSS: I like this one (not the one I like for a reason I'm sure) you should get this one and look at this one not that one
DH: (to me) SSs like this house not the one we talked about looking at.
MY RESPONSE: WELLLLLL....when SSs are paying the mortgage, they can pick out whatever house THEY want...until then, they have no opinion that matters. Period
Went over like a fart in church, but I made my point. DH still does it and that's always my response. "When SS is paying the bill he can make the choice, until then it doesn't matter.
OMG YES. YES, YES, 100000x
OMG YES. YES, YES, 100000x YES.
And it's ALWAYS followed by the “Well we are going to do what StepLife wants” followed by SD’s whining “Awww I wanted (fill in blank here)”" like Calypso said! haha
So accurate that it hurts!
Step got to choose her
Step got to choose her bedroom color, then she painted it herself.
i had the same problem with
i had the same problem with sds complaining about house remodel and my choice of floor tile. as if we was their choice to decide.
this also happens with single parents. i have brother who consults his adult son (almost 30, lives at home, does not work) in everything from the clothes he wears to choice of restaurants.
guilt guilt guilt
Of course, more than he even
Of course, more than he even asks for mine.
THEIRS is the ONLY opinion that counts doncha know!
Yes! I've use the "well, I'm
Yes! I've use the "well, I'm the one paying so I'm the one deciding!" Too
LOL - well the bright side to
LOL - well the bright side to that is he acknowledges and is showing her that life happens even when she isn't there. My OH would prefer to pretend we sat on our hands all week doing nothing until they were blessing us with their presence again.
Ah, another DH with a
Ah, another DH with a misguided way of making sure no one feels left out.
He wouldn't do this in an intact family, because it's clear that the two adult parents make the decisions and the kids are along for the ride. Get into a stepfamily and it all goes haywire because we have to obsess over not hurting the poor fragile kids' emotions and pretend that the stepparent isn't an adult decision maker, lest the SD have hurt feelings over that bit of reality. Remarriage means another adult in the home making decisions.
I'm concerned about the underlying message his actions are telling SD: that you and SD are on equal footing and DH is the adult decision maker. He needs to stop unintentionally pitting the two of you against one another because his misguided efforts at peacekeeping and inclusion are going to create conflict in the long run. DH needs to shift to having the two of you as the adult decision makers with SD along for the ride.
Then, as someone else mentioned, there's the other layer of him acting like SD gets a vote, but always choosing what you want. That's setting you up to be the bad guy in SD's eyes and likely inspires a pointless competitiveness over DH.
This needs to stop. Your DH is probably blissfully unaware of the dynamic he is setting up. He thinks he's just being inclusive and fair.
Talk to him and try to figure out what concerns are driving this behavior of his and brainstorm other ways to address those that will also keep the peace.
Also, don't be afraid to harness your power as an adult in your home and speak up the next time he tries to pull the "Daddy and his two girls" show. Like "excuse me, this is my house. I pay bills, so I make decisions. Period."
My DH did this so much to the
My DH did this so much to the point that he would look directly at me, ask a question and SD would answer and he would forget that he even asked me! After an instance when he showed me a pic of younger him and posed a question and SD answered, then got up and sat in the chair (oversized) with him to look at the pic...I brought this to his attention. That he needs to be clear about adult issues/conversation/butting in with SD, and that it starts with HIM, not SD. I also had a talk with him about how he didn't need to share every little inside joke, detail, etc with SD. It was starting to feel like he and I had nothing special outside the bedroom and that he was elevating SD to adult status. Things have gotten better.
It's taken me a very long time to recognize these issues, likely because I was keeping the peace or whatever, but I defined my place in the household as the adult alongside my DH, and he has since respected when I bring something to his attention.