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Need advice - due to see dh in an hour and think were getting a divorce

Just me in a big pool of fish's picture

So our relationship has been so rocky in the last year if I'm being honest, maybe even longer than that but two things have happened this week which have really put me over the edge. I've been saving hard for a holiday for myself and dh. It will be nothing fancy, a no frills week in the sun, cheap and cheerful. So I mentioned this to dh and he says great are we bringing ss and elderly fil to which I reply no we've never had a sun holiday away alone together for a week which I think we really need and that we can barely afford to go ourselves.

So I've been looking at holidays, dh is so unenthusiastic not really looking at anything with me. He says to me at the weekend "look I really don't think we can afford this" to which I reply I don't care if it's the cheapest holiday ever and we have no money were going. He tells me he is really financially strapped at the moment and again says he doesn't think we can afford it. I day I will pay for flights and apartment, you just try to save a little spending money which we wouldn't need much of and he has another pay cheque before we go away. Later that day (Sunday) we are out with ss12 who dh spoils rotten and he says let's go to this bowling arena/laser tag place. I say excuse me but what was this about us not being able to go away on holiday because you're so broke and now you want to go and spend a fortune today in this bowling place on a beautiful day why can't we go to the beach or something instead. Dh and I are terrible communicators, I get angry and silent and he shouts. So he starts giving out to me "why do I constantly have to have something to bag about and it's his money to spend on what he wants". All in front of ss so again I'm the mean one stopping him from doing something fun. So anyways I leave this go and move on.

Dh had a night out with an old friend on Tuesday. A friend I don't know and he was staying in fil house because they were meeting in another city and it would be really expensive to get a taxi back to our house. I don't really care about this. He texts me at 730 saying his battery is nearly dead and he'll text me later. I don't hear off him again that night. He rings me next morning to say his battery died that morning. So I go home and dh is dying a death from a hangover, was up drinking til 430. I ask why didn't you text me? He says "I didn't think of it" mmmm ok. Think nothing more of it. Ask him later how his night went and he says oh it was great, girl x was also there. Girl x is a girl dh fancied before we got together and she also fancied him. Anyways I saw red. So he was drinking with this other girl (granted the other guy was there too) but still found it so disrespectful - he didn't think to text me while he was there with her. I got up to have a cigarette told him I was disgusted at him. I'm telling at this point and so is he telling me I'm just jealous and that if I get up I better not come back to the bedroom. I sleep in the spare room because I am furious. Get up this morning for work, dh does the same, and just leaves the house without even saying one word to me.

I text him today asking when he would be home and tried to ring, both unanswered. Absolutely dreading going home today which is where I will be very shortly I know I was a bit unreasonable about this other girl but it seems to be a catalyst. I never thought I'd be 31 and divorced feeling so shitty

misSTEP's picture

Hold onto your anger. You may need it. If the marriage IS doomed to fail, wouldn't you rather have it fail now than 10 years from now? You will grieve, yes. But it might also free you up for a whole new world.

Also, you could be over-exaggerating how badly things are. He might not want to divorce you at all. But either way, you need to take control of YOU because you cannot control your DH.

Amber Miller's picture

I would be furious if my DH was up all night drinking with some girl. This is not ok, I don't care if another guy was there. My first husband did things like this and I would get mad and he would blame me. One night, I was on the couch at 4 am taking care of our newborn and he strolls in the front door totally wasted with some girl following him into MY HOUSE! I kicked her out and he got so mad at me and told me that I owed her an apology. Hell NO I DON"T! He owed me an apology. This marriage didn't last and I left him after he started hitting me. I had his happy ass thrown in jail and I left with the kids. I am now married to a wonderful man who loves me and respects me. He would never dream of staying out all night drinking with anyone; he drinks with me. I am telling you this because you sound really unhappy and right-fully so. If you choose to leave this marriage then you will make yourself available for real love to enter your life. If it happened to me, it can happen for you. You deserve better.

misSTEP's picture

If my DH ever started going out drinking a lot, I would assume that our marriage was reaching the end of its rope.

In fact, that is what he started doing to BM when they were still trying to make it work (i.e., she would emotionally manipulate him into accepting her verbal, physical and financial abuse as a condition of him being able to be a parent to his children).

Just me in a big pool of fish's picture

Thanks Amber I was beginning to think I was being a complete psych as he told me I was last night. Dh never goes out drinking with friends so that's why when his old buddy A GUY asked him to meet up I knew they'd be having a boozy night didn't mind in the slightest. It was only when I found out a girl dh seriously had the hots for when I met him was there also and that he didn't text me is where I had he problem

Amber Miller's picture

No problem. I'm sorry you are going through this. My ex tried to tell me I was crazy. They are the ones doing something wrong and they know it that's why they try to make you think you're the crazy one. I think it's called "gas-lighting" but I'm not sure. Stay strong. I will be rooting for you. Let us know what happens. We are here for you Smile

Just me in a big pool of fish's picture

He's punishing me now. He's usually home for work at this time, it's nearly 8pm and no sign of him yet so don't even know if he's coming home at all tonight

misSTEP's picture

So...you get a night to yourself without a mopey, lying, couldn't care less guy around? Doesn't sound like much of a punishment to me!

Go do something nice for YOURSELF instead of sitting at home, waiting and worrying about a guy like that.

JYMCat's picture

Do you have any friends or family in your area? Why don't you ring someone from your support system up and talk to them or visit with them? That way you're not at home waiting around for him to come back. You need a distraction, for now at least. If he decides to come home, maybe he'll wonder where you are enough to contact you.

Just me in a big pool of fish's picture

I don't live near any friends or family. I would go out for a walk but it's lashing rain so I've just gotten Into bed now. Doubt he'll be home tonight anyway !!!

Orange County Ca's picture

He broke a lot of rules. Maybe the ultimate one who's to know except those three?

Just me in a big pool of fish's picture

He def was, I've seen messages between the two of them that were so harmless. He would never have mentioned this other girl either and I have been none the wiser! So looks like he's def not coming home tonight!!!

Just me in a big pool of fish's picture

He actually just came home there at 945, grabbed his alarm clock and took it into the spare room, pathetic asshole

Amber Miller's picture

Why is he going in the other room? Oh wait, I know this tactic......make you feel like the bad guy because he's the one that fu*ked up! Damn it. I'm having flashbacks of my first marriage. I wish I could kick this guys ass, I'm sorry. I guess this hits too close to home as they say.

Just me in a big pool of fish's picture

Just thinking the same thing. He went one full week without talking to me a few weeks ago. Screw that

Amber Miller's picture

You are so right. I lived this scenario. I left for 6 months and then he begged me back. I went back and it was just awful. I'm jaded due to my bad experience. I don't want to say she won't have a different experience but I fear she won't. It hurts so bad when you try to be nice and they throw it in your face. My DH would never treat me like this. We got together 2 years after I left the passive aggressive asshole. I hope OP can find peace. I think she should follow your advice yet be very guarded.

Just me in a big pool of fish's picture

So he got up this morning, I was already up blow drying my hair, came to the closet, took a shirt and walked out of the room. After I finished blow drying my hair I looked out the window to see he had left for work already. I can not live like this it's just horrible

CBCharlotte's picture

Yes, please try and take a road trip and get away! If you're near Charlotte I'll take you for a drink! (or 5!)

Amber Miller's picture

Hi growupplease--
It's awful that we all had to endure such misery. It sounds like you moved on with your life and I really hope you have found peace and happiness. Flashbacks aren't fun but I'm glad we are here to try and support OP as she is going through this right now.

OP----I think I read that you are 31 years old? I was exactly the same age as you when I was going through this BS with my ex. You have plenty of life left to live. I hope you can find the strength to stand up to this bully. I wonder if he's trying to get you to break up with him? His behavior is outrageous. Well, I'm going to go back and re/read all the posts. I hope you can put a stop to this whether it be by leaving or by telling him to knock it off. I usually am not a fan of telling other people that they should leave their SO but in this case I have to admit, I really think you need to get out of there. Like you said, you can't live like this.

Just me in a big pool of fish's picture

We don't have children. It's 9pm and no sign of him again tonight. I honestly feel that when dh is loving towards me, I can deal with his baggage of 2 BMs. When he's an ass like this I wonder what the hell am I doing. I'm so unhappy tonight Sad felt so embarrassed when my dad asked me on the phone how things were with dh and I lied. It's just embarrassing that this is what my relationship is and how dh thinks he is completely right. My sis rang me this morning and I mentioned it and she said "look he wouldn't have done anything you know that but he knew you wouldn't like this, it was mean he was wrong, when you get angry you get angry but he was a jerk too,. This is not all your fault". Felt relieved cause she tells me the truth and I always question myself

Just me in a big pool of fish's picture

He hadsnt called or come home tonight. Should I take it as that's that. I spoke with a friend tonight and she said this is all so disrespectful I guess she is right, I'm mortified

Just me in a big pool of fish's picture

I fucking hate him, never would have thought he wouldn't come home who does this kind if shit seriously want is wrong with him

Amber Miller's picture

I think he's trying to get you to leave him. Why wouldn't he come home? Ok, let's say he wants space and doesn't want to come home; the least he could do is call so you know he's ok. That's common decency. Even when I lived with roommates, we always let each other know where we were and if we weren't coming back. As someone else said, this is emotional abuse. I don't care if you did do something wrong ( which it doesn't look like you did) he should at least let you he's not coming back. People who love each other don't treat each other like this, no matter how mad they might be. I hope you're ok. I am concerned about you.

thebrokenrecordmachine's picture

Hey-
I think you should go out with friends this weekend. .. .I think that will be the be thebest therapy for you. Your husband is an a hole...something most men are at-some point.
Put on a cute outfit get dolled up and stop waiting for him...he isnt waiting for you.
if he is so concerned about money..I say you go on vacation-you don't have baggage like he does.
Start putting emphasis back into you-go to the nail shop, salon buy yourself things you couldnt-within reason because douche bag was controlling.
Get you back!
It seems like hes moved on without you knowing..if he cared the jealousy comment would have been more sympathetic.
I am sorry he is doing this to you...easier said than done...but try to move on...ask yourself if you really want to be with someone that acts like his children- hes a baby, not an adult...waste yourself on someone who wants you...you may not tjink it will happen but it will!

Just me in a big pool of fish's picture

I just feel so angry today, 3pm and still no sign of him, I feel like he is a disgusting human being today to be honest

SecondGeneration's picture

Ok, so is this house a rental or mortgage? Are both your names on it or just yours? Can you afford to pay for it aloneeds?f you have your name on that mortgage do not leave, your OH clearly has the emotional development of a gerbil and if you go and he doesn't pay that bill YOUR finances are affected.
Now if everything is in his name you start to go through the house, pack your belongings (high value sentimental things first clothes last.
Get your most treasured items out of the house and get a back up arranged, be it a friend's or hotel or whatever.
You then tell your OH that you two really need to talk, you sit down and you ask him why hasn't he spoken to you all week and what else is going on in his head or in the relationship to make him feel and act like he is.
You have said conversation and if you are not happy and if he is putting all blame on you then you tell him your thoughts and feelings and you need to make it very clear if this shit doesn't end then your marriage will be. Tell him you are not going to behis emotional punchbag and you will not live in such a marriage.
And you wait, you give him the opportunity to.provide solutions, he needs to.actively want to fix it.for you. If he doesnt then you leave, you do not stay with a man who is not prepared to fight and work to preserve your relationship. Personally I'd leave that night if the conversation goes bad but you have to judge that one and you have to make a decision, some people here will save leave and if he improves try again. I say if someone has cared so little to allow you to walk out that door you do not go back ever because you deserve better. Now for some relationship s it works out when they have had a break or what not but that is something that is personal choice and for me, if I leave its because I'm justified to do so and if someone can't recognise that till I'm gone then they will just have to.manage alone.