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Need advice on adult stepdaughter living at home

BeckySue's picture

My stepdaughter is in her early 20's. She has had a history of some pretty hard drug use, been through 3 stints of rehab. She was away at one for a year. She has just reaked havoc on our family since day one of me joining the family. She has zero respect for anyone's personal space. Meaning, she feels she wants or thinks she "needs" something out of our room, she just goes and gets it without asking. We have repeatedly told her to stay out. She does not have a job, due to the fact that she is 8 1/2 months pregnant and has lost her liscense to some very bad decisions. I know in my heart that is time to kick her out on her butt. However, (here is the step-parent issue) her dad won't due to the fact that she is pregnant. He has told them (p.s. her boyfriend lives there as well) they have to be out by august 1. She had plans to move out until bad decision 1000, she was driving high, and wrecked the car 2x in one day. Now, her boyfriend doesn't have the $ to move out yet. I get that you who are reading this are screaming at me to get her out of my house. Trust me I am screaming that too. However, I will admit that I am being held hostage by her dad constantly "rescueing" her. Every one gets along okay in the house as long as no one challanges her. By challanging I am referring to making her clean up or do more then she feels she should be doing. When I "challange" (I use this term lightly) her she screams at me and tries to control the situation. She has admitted in the past to minipulating her dad and her mom into doing what she wants them to do. I am getting off on a tangent, so here is the issue. Do I have a right to give my husband an ultimatum of getting her out of my house? I think that I have been more patient than anyone should be. I am losing my mind and don't know how to handle this.

blueorblackink's picture

LadyFace You must live in my state. They just arrested a woman and took her newborn away because both the mother and the child tested positive for drugs.

But to the OP, if she is using while pregnant you might want to turn her in to CPS. Not to be vindictive but for the safety of the baby. I worked in a hospital with abandoned crack babies. It was terrible.

She does need to move out. But it should be into rehab.

joan mary's picture

Great reply but I would add that the poster should go to Nar Anon also. If they don't have a Nar Anon close the Al anon will work also. There is plenty of cross over. The poster is just as affected by the substance abuse as DH.

BeckySue's picture

I appreciate the help. The only saving grace I fear I have is the fact she is on probation in another state. She has to go back or face prison. The fact is I don't know if I can hang on until she is out!!! Her bf works on the road and is only there 1 day a week. My husband did sit them down when he found out she was using and told her she has to go. Although "when" I am not certian. I informed her that the hospital will test her and the baby when it is born and if anything positive comes up she will lose her child. Not to mention, the effects she is having on the baby. Her mother has the first child. She is just not fit to raise anything let alone a child. I tried (more than I should)to give her more chances than she deserves. I am just done at this point and no interest in having a relationship with her.

Orange County Ca's picture

YOU should contact your local child welfare agency, usually a county function, and tell them you've got a pregnant woman using drugs in your home and give them free access to the premises.
You have a moral imperative to the unborn child to do this.

You tell your husband either he re-keys the locks while she's gone or you're taking the opportunity to leave. Not a divorce, that's not the solution, you're just setting up a home elsewhere until he sorts it out. Or you can give him the same ultimatum. He sets up premises elsewhere and he can let her in and out as much as he wants.

That's not to say that he isn't enabling her which he is. Like most addicts she must see herself dying in the gutter before she'll really try and help herself and the more he helps the longer it will take.

Also call your local police and see if she can be removed as a "Unwanted person" even if she is your husbands daughter and he's OK with her staying. I.e. will they remove her on your say-so only.

SugarSpice's picture

removing sd is a good idea but if she has lived in the home for a length of time or even receives mail, she may have to be evicted because she is a considered a legal resident. consult with a legal source.

my advice too would be to call the police or child protective services. a woman taking drugs while pregnant can be arrested for child endangerment.

sandye21's picture

"Do I have a right to give my husband an ultimatum of getting her out of my house?" Yes, you do. He has no right to expect you to accommodate someone who is so disrespectful of you in your home. This will go on forever if you don't stop it. Even if child protection takes away the baby, there will be another excuse. Tell him August 1st, and if he doesn't like it he can leave with her.

still learning's picture

And I thought I had problems :jawdrop: ! Your hubby is the one who gave them the ultimatum to be out by the 1st so support him wholeheartedly in HIS decision.

Find them a nice little place and pay 1st mo's rent and deposit. Make sure it is far away from you! Help them move now, before baby gets here. Once baby gets here it will be so much harder for your hubby to boot them out, imagine the guilt they will heap upon him by kicking out his own grandchild. After they get settled I would make an anonymous call to child services about her drug use while being pregnant.

Let him rescue her one more time then move somewhere out of area into a teenie house where theres no room for them or better yet a retirement community (if you're of that age) where no one under 55 is allowed to live.

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. What a mess!

deconstruction's picture

One of you has to go, or you go down with the ship. You have my deepeset, most sincere sympathy - a similar situation ended my marriage, something I thought would never happen, but blood IS thicker than water.