You are here

Should I just be grateful DH doesn't pay child support and pay for extras, no questions asked?

counseling.advocate's picture

Hey all, first id like to thank you all for being a huge support to me and offering great advice. Smile

DH and BM have 50/50 custody and it's because of this that BM agreed that she doesn't see why he should have to pay child support as long as she's not taking care of them less than she is. She's talked to me about this too in conversation and I was shocked she was cool about that, but I think she just didn't want to have problems with him and knew he wouldn't be bringing in a lot of income. Which he really doesn't. We aren't able to get out of an apartment and into a house comfortably and I couldn't imagine being required to pay child support.

Anyways, whenever the skids want something, they come to us, and in particular, school supplies and backpacks they ask us every single year. Not ask, demand. Reminding us that school is starting in 2 weeks and we need to get a backpack. Well hello! I keep telling her she needs to wait because of money but that if she wants it sooner then she can ask her mom.

What does she do? Asks my MIL. I think it's so rude and I've told both SD's not to ask them for things like that that parents are supposed to provide.

My point is, I was trying to encourage her to ask her mom too, because we seem to be her go to parents to ask, even though we almost always say no to her or wait. The thing is, since we don't pay child support even though we know her stance on it, I know she's entitled to child support with 50/50 custody.

Should I just appreciate the fact that we DONT pay child support, therefore happily foot the bill for things like this as they come up? I'm trying to be more reasonable and think, "well, maybe it could be worse." What do you think?

JingerVZ's picture

I have a friend with this 50/50 arrangement with no CS. When it comes to things like school supplies, someone buys it and the other parent pays half of the money as per the receipt. That's how they do fair an equitable and it works.

ksmom14's picture

That's how we handled it when it was 50/50, there was no child support and everything got split 50/50 spending wise. There are two sets of clothes for each house, but anything that goes in between houses like back packs, lunch boxes, shoes, jackets, school supplies, we would buy it and BM would write us a check for 1/2.

My skids will never ask their mom to spend money on them, they think we have all the money and she has none. We don't discuss the spending with them, just directly talk to BM. Ask her if she wants to buy and have us pay her or other way around.

Not sure how friendly your BM is so you'll have to take that into account too.

twoviewpoints's picture

Odds are the skids are nagging and asking BM too. Kids don't care who buys it, they just know they need it and one of the parents have to get the supplies/backpack. BM is either likely saying 'ask your Dad' (just as you're saying 'ask your Mom', and/or the 'you have to wait a bit'.

With 50/50 time split and no CS neither parent here is more responsible than the other in who should be purchasing these things. They go to school on Dad's time just as much as on BM's time. I'm actually surprised if this is something the parents don't take turns doing willingly that it wasn't an issue when the CO/parenting plan was originally put in place. Besides school supplies, if not already, there will be school and non-school sports and activities.

The skids shouldn't be on the middle of the parents and the 'go ask your other parent' stuff. This are extra items the parents should discuss and agree on as to which parent , a split or taking turns and mutual agreements over.

With that said, SD needs to learn that money doesn't grow on trees for either parent and sometimes budgets mean she doesn't get what she wants the minute she wants it (or in her mind 'needs' it). Kid doesn't 'need' the backpack until first day of school. If one parent or the other runs out at midnight on the evening before opening day, well that's soon enough, she got what she needed by when she actually needed it.

DH needs to work out with BM these routine extras. If BM readily was agreeable on the 50/50 no CS, he should be able to sit down and work out these extra occasional 'needs' and wants also. Simply tell SD next time she nags that her parents will work it out and not to worry about it, it's not her place to worry about school supplies, she'll get what she really needs eventually and the parents will worry about the when and hows of it.

CompliKated's picture

If a court system would decide she could be in need of child support and she has willingly forgone it then I also wouldn't expect she was in a better financial position to buy supplies either. I would talk to her about at least splitting the cost for supplies and personally I would consider taking on a bit more of those costs considering a comparison of financial ability.

unluckytwin's picture

SO and BM have 50/50 and wrote their own separation agreement (well, with the help of a lawyer, but they didn't need a judge or anything) when they divorced. SO is responsible for SD9's health insurance and gets to claim her on his taxes. SO and BM split copays, doctor fees, and pharmaceutical bills 50/50--we've only taken SD to the doctor once, and BM paid her half by the deadline after giving her copies of the receipts, so thankfully that wasn't a hassle. SO paid for one extra-curricular activity last year, and I suspect he will pay for one this year; I don't know if BM will pay for one also (I think SD wants to do 2 things), or if SO will pay for a second or not.

BM basically (verbally) promised not to file child support as long as SD's needs were met. Last year SO paid for all of SD's school supplies, but this year, I was pleasantly surprised to see that BM bought about 40% of things on the list and then just told SO what was left to be bought. It used to be that BM didn't pay a dime above rent and food for SD at her place (so she'd ask SO to pay for athlete's foot cream, book fair books, field trips, etc.) and that annoyed me so much. But as BM has gotten steady paychecks, she seems to be paying for stuff, like we now see SD wearing more new clothes.

Occasionally, I get annoyed that BM doesn't pay for more things, but I DO think to myself that it could be so much worse if she filed for child support. SO doesn't give BM any cash (if he pays for something like a field trip, he sends it directly to the school) and frankly, SD is not that expensive a child. We hear BM is moving soon and I believe her rent will be more expensive, so I'm praying that she doesn't resort to filing for CS. I suspect if she does, my SO will try to modify the separation agreement so that he doesn't have to provide anything more than CS and health insurance. He has been great at setting boundaries and while he wants to provide for his child, he has 0 intention of providing for her mother. Whew.

So, I'm not "happy" that we pay for stuff because she hasn't filed for CS, but it IS a huge relief and I recognize it could be so much worse. If I had to choose between this way we do things and her filing for CS and us not paying a dollar more, I'd still choose this way of doing it.

amber3902's picture

I agree the school supplies and any extras should be split 50/50.

Heck, some NCP pay child support, medical insurance and for extra-curriculars.

GhostWhoCooksDinner's picture

DH doesn't pay support either. None was ordered as they share 50/50 custody. We pay for what SS15 needs on our time, and BM pays for what he needs on her time. She buys clothes for her house, we buy clothes for ours. We do provide a lot more, though. SS15 has never had a haircut on her time; we do all the haircuts. We also usually buy school supplies as she waits until the night before school starts and then can't find anything in the stores. She's an idiot.

BethAnne's picture

I'm confused why you think that BM should receive child support from your husband? If you truly have a 50/50 split then it would either be no CS as you have it or it is done on income and from what you are writing I guess that BM has a higher income than your DH...so in that case if any support where to be paid it should be from BM to your husband, I would have thought. She isn't owed CS just because she is the woman (even if things sometimes end up like that).

Anyway it doesn't matter because you agreed to no CS, in which case I agree with the others. Your husband and BM need to have a conversation about school supplies and work out who is going to get what so that they are both contributing but there are no overlaps. If you are truly struggling I think that schools sometimes have programs to help parents with school supplies, it might be worth contacting them.

Disneyfan's picture

THIS

If he purchases the school supplies now, they will be dirt cheap. He can get a box of 24 crayola crayons for 50 cents. Elmer's school for 25,100 number 2 pencils for about $2, 10 folders for $1,3 Mead composition notebooks for$1....

counseling.advocate's picture

Backpacks are expensive and add up when 3 kids are involved. That could be $70-$85 after tax and everything. Add supplies for everyone and $2 x3 for some things and some things being $5 x3 or even $1x3 or .50x3 like you say. When there are 3 it all adds up. The pencil boxes, crayons, markers, folders, binders, and whatever else. Sd11 is going into middle school so who knows what she will need. A lot more than the little ones probably.

counseling.advocate's picture

And I'm unemployed. No money coming in on my end. That's like $2,100 less than before and when I was working we were still struggling. Soooo it'd be nice if BM paid for some dentist bills, backpacks, etc and not just cute matching clothes from Justice so they can be as self centered as her

counseling.advocate's picture

There's nothing wrong with doing that, but she places high importance on buying them 15 outfits at a time, and then tells the girls "no I can't take you to the dentist/dr, no I can't take you shopping for school supplies" nothing they need, she provides. Only things they want, occasionally if she needs them to look good. She doesn't do it for them. She does it to make her look better to other people.

QueenBeau's picture

Does BM make more than ur dh? If so she would owe him cs. Which is why she gracefully dented getting a cs order.

zerostepdrama's picture

THIS ^^^

counseling.advocate's picture

BM makes more than DH as she is an insurance sales agent and damn good at it. DH is a dept manager at a retail store making $17.50/hour so clearly she makes more money. I didn't realize in this situation DH would be eligible for child support lmao. It's good to know that we don't owe her anything!

As for the supplies, they haven't discussed it. I discussed with my ex last year that we would switch years, but that's because we WANT to buy the backpacks and I just have that natural desire to provide that for my DS and be involved in all of his school stuff. But I also get a small amount of CS at least to help cover it.

For the skids, we pay for the health insurance... BM never takes them to the dentist. We had her take them once recently but she didn't pay so we had to pay the bill. She lets their teeth rot cuz she just doesn't want to pay for that yet she'll buy them expensive outfits. Strange.

The skids just always ask us for those things. And if we won't get it right when they want it they ask the grandparents. I told them NO way in the past do you do that. Yet they do it anyway. I clearly stated that we would get it for them the next time they came which was the week before school. BM also got sd11 an iPhone recently and it's been hell because she just went back to BMs and once she went back she texted mil and said "Mimi we haven't seeeeeeeennnn you almost all week! Can u take us to dinner this week?? I'm also freaking out because we don't have backpacks yet!"

It's concerning because mil and fil do so much for us already. I'm looking for a job every day and they are always taking us out to dinner (5 of us, like once a week at least sometimes), picking them up from school during the year, going to costco and bringing us snacks and meat for the kids out of nowhere and I try not to accept all they offer because I feel like we owe them something or am a burden to them. So when their grand kids ask for backpacks and supplies not only am I annoyed because it's one more thing they'll buy, but also because I feel it's for parents only and rude/not polite for the kids to be asking them for those things. I never would've asked my Gma for that, I knew better. She took me shopping sometimes and I appreciated it when she did but I never demanded she did.

Sigh.

Dizzy's picture

I have almost 50/50 with my ex, no CO, no CS. I don't work, but BD6 is with me for school days, and most weekdays during the summer. My ex has been doing much better financially, and I know I could get a shit-ton of CS, but I'm not that kind of person. But he has been splitting or outright paying for things or giving me cash...example: we split the bill for gymnastics, he bought school supplies, he gave me cash for summer clothes. I say feel lucky ans deal with the extras here and there as they come up and don't be afraid to ask BM to split (if the relationship is amicable)--the worst she can say is no.

And a new backpack every year is totally ridic. I'd tell them no.

Disneyfan's picture

There's nothing wrong with spending $20 on a new book bag each year. Most kids get new book bags and lunch boxes each year. If you shop discount stores during the back to school sale time, those items are super cheap.