If she's a brat, she's a brat. I don't see why you can't say that especially on this website.

You sound like you genuinely care for her and i think DH should try talk to BM about this - if it helps at all.

If my Skids refused to come over I'd expect my partner to talk to their mother. If the skids still refused I can't say I'd lose sleep over it. His youngest is 4, very young and very close to mum. Not surprisingly after I took her out one Sunday for a one on one bonding session this little girl was totally diffent next visit. She didn't want to get in the car at all and for the first time cried during the visit saying she wanted to go back to mummy.

My point is BMs always have influence on their kids no matter what age they are and sometimes only DH can untie that knot.

Around the beginning of 9th grade (last fall), BM announced SD was staying with her that weekend because SD wanted to. After DH and I talked it over, DH called BM back and said where SD spends her time is not up to her it's up to her parents and BM is not allowed to unilaterally decide the kid isn't coming to our house.

They had a rather tense conversation which they usually try to avoid at all costs. But DH and I were unified that the kid doesn't get to say she doesn't want to see Dad or doesn't like our house or whatever and not come.

I have to say I also pointed out to DH that giving in on this would send a bad message to SD in that she may be "testing" him. Her feelings of insecurity triggered by our marriage might become even worse if he acted like he didn't care that she didn't come.

In the end, BM backed down and brought SD over. DH and I were expecting a surly, angry girl but instead we got one on some of her best behavior. So I kinda think my little theory was correct. She felt good that Daddy "proved" he loved her by making her come.

We now have it worked out that she can sometimes stay a weekend with her mom (because we think it's good for her for other reasons), but it is NOT up to the kid and the BM can NOT do it without working it out beforehand with DH. If he does not agree, too bad so sad. And DH always talks it over with me, too, before he answers.

IMO, the policy has to be stick to the custody order unless BOTH parents agree. The kid can make a request, but NEVER a decision.

She doesn't want to come over, then fine, don't come over. She's trying to use emotional blackmail to get her own way.

Stand strong. This has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with a pre-teen trying to manipulate her father into changing his mind about a decision he has already made.

She's not doing this to hurt you, so don't take it personally. However, I would discourage further blackmail attempts by simply ignoring them. She welcome to be there, if she chooses to behave this way, then she is losing out. Have fun with your other skid and you and your H can enjoy the one on one time with him.

If you made any special plans or trips for their visit, do not cancel or rearrange them. She doesn't show up, she doesn't go. End of story.

I've said this before and I'll say this again, children are like little tiny terrorists. You do not negotiate with terrorists. There is no reasoning with them nor do you have to explain yourself to them.

Your H should just call her back and say, "Okay....not problem kiddo. I understand. See you next time." And let that be it. Never, ever argue with a kid. It's ridiculous and a complete waste of time.

Do you mind my asking if she is in the autistic spectrum? Not trying to offend anyone but having inadequate social skills is a classic sign of Asperger's syndrome. Has she always been lacking in social skills?

I've heard of judges taking the wishes of kids 12+ into consideration. As much as it hurts let him handle this. She's 12. She's dealing with puberty and hormones. I think her behavior can be attributed to hormones and puberty. As could much of the behavior many of us displayed as adolescents. Yes, it'll hurt to see your dh hurt but she needs HIM to be the parent here.

WE did and sometimes still do have the same situation. SD14 pulled the same thing around 11 or so. It lasted quite a while and it was tough for DH.

BM is a text book manipulator and liar, and has that kid so dependent it is just sad. BM's hatred of me and the relationship with DH is completely enmeshed with SD's.

This is what happened:

1. DH fought with BM about it, BM showed SD the angry emails, but only the ones where DH called BM a bitch. (not the ones where BM showed her crazytrain)

2. BM had SD call and say she hated and was scared of our house, scared of me, and that she felt ignored. (Really? what part of red carpet rolling by DH's family has you feeling ignored???)

The kicker is that this was coming off of 2-3 visits where we all had fun!

DH backed down, didn't force the issue but called and texted SD daily. She eventually came around, but it took 2 yrs. (Much of it because BM lost it and I had to call the cops, BM put all the blame on me, and said I was trying to have her arrested)

Since all of this, a judge has slapped BM, and SD and DH have their own schedule which they determine themselves. It works for them and truly has minimal disruption for me. SD is growing up and realizing that being in a tiny ghetto condo taking care of your batshit BM and two more illegitimate kids (other men) ain't all that.

Since when does a 12 year old make decisions and demands?
No way, she comes to your house. When she is 18 she can change her mind.

I would tend to agree with you. My inlaws have a very lax parenting ethic, in the sense that they TOTALLY let kids make decisions. DH lives his life in negotiations, and says, "hey, she is 13 and can make some decisions"

BM is nuts and it was truly truly ugly for SD for awhile, and DH felt letting her be, afforded her some much needed peace from all of the fighting. Short of calling the cops what do you do when the BM doesn't' allow it to happen? and poisons the kids' minds?

There is a time for drama and a time when you just need to let it go for awhile. (apart from the fact that cops will not come for this kind of thing where we live)

That said, I have completely disengaged because of decisions he allows SDnow14 to make. His kid? his nightmare. I will never own that.

my SD13 regularly refuses visitation despite the CO to the contrary. a judge actually RULE that she has NO SAY until she's 18 and she was denied her own attorney and a GAL. She has only slept over at our place ONCE in the 15 months we've lived together and then she had to have her cousin with her (we are supposed to have her every other saturday night).

not much we can do. its pointless to go to court as nothing will happen to BM and they've already ordered the visitation.

its sad. we have a nicer home than BM, we live only 5 minutes from her, and we have a pool and things to do in our area. SD is just a total turd and im tired of her attitude and lack of compassion and empathy for others and the way she makes my fiance feel.

a 12 year old should not be able to choose this happens when they are much older i think
Right now my kid who is 14 is doing week on week off with his father for the summer only, he hates it but its still his dad and it is just for the summer then we go back to reg EOW schedule.
He is still a kid and as much as i would like to stay no you dont need to go i just keep my mouth shut on that one.
soon enough he will be 16 and working on weekends, friends , weekend school activies, ect and his dad can't make him come since just more difficult heck most kids at that age don't even hang out at either home much at least that was way it was with my now 18 year old where vistation just slowly stopped and now him and his dad just go golf or out to eat but my 18 yr old stopped sleeping EOW sometime during his senior year.

My husband and I went through a similar phase with my SD15. He used to give in to her and say that's okay you don't have to come over. And that would drive me crazy. But after a while I decided to stay out of it because all it would cause was arguments between me and him. And that was exactly what SD's Mommie Dearest was trying to cause! He put up with it for a little while, but luckily he got a backbone and put his foot down. Now she comes over when she is supposed to and actually has a good time. Of course she will sometimes will have an attitude being a teenager now, but I've just learned to ignore that for the most part and bite my tongue! I figure this is my husband's child so I let him handle it for the most part. Of course once in a while I feel I have to put my 2 cents in when I feel like it's important. It's hard being a parent to a teen, and even harder being a step parent. Luckily we have lots of friends and family for support. And I love this site, its been a life save for me! Good luck!