My step-daughter's mother won't let her speak to her about me
My five year old step-daughter and I have a very close relationship - I've known her for almost 2 1/2 years. She loves me dearly and I love her. We now live together as a blended family, but her biological mother won't let her talk to her about me. A five year old talks about what they love, and what comes natural. So when she goes back to her mother's house, she is not allowed to talk about me or my biological children.
I've discovered the root cause of this to be that she still has feelings for ex (my new husband) since she sends him texts saying she misses him. I know this is just jealousy, but I feel like it's cruel to ask a 5 year old child to not talk about something (anything for that matter.) She tells me that her mother doesn't like me - Is she teaching this child to hate? Or am I over-reacting?
Yes it sounds like this women
Yes it sounds like this women is jealous of what you have with her ex and child, and doesn't like her having another "mom Figure" in her life. And it is sad that she can't get past her feelings for her daughters sake. Unfortunately there is nothing you or your husband can do to fix this, all you can do is show your love and caring feelings for her, if her mom does try to get her to hate you all you can do is be the bigger person and hopefully she sees what you do for her and prove what her mom says wrong.
Perfect advice. If SD brings
Perfect advice. If SD brings it up, shrug your shoulders, "Your and mom I don't really know each other!" and redirect her to a game. When my skids talk about their mom, I feign interest like I would in a distant relative or neighbor. "My mom does this...she goes here." "Oh, lovely. How nice." The truth is in many BM-SM "relationships," you truly are strangers.
I know how you feel because I
I know how you feel because I have been on both sides. My BD cheated on me when I was preg with his chil and ended up getting married down the road. I was hurt, angry, and etc by all the mixed emotions. When you share a child with someone, your emotions take over. I wasn't in love with him, but because we created a human being together.. I felt replaced as a mother. When my son became to the age where he could talk and understand whats being sad. I don't say you cannot take about your dads wife... but it hurts to know thats who he talks about at first. But my son never talked about his dad, just her. Now as time is passing, the hurt isn't really their, I just apreciate her being good to my son.
Now, I am on the other side. My husbands kids talk highly about me to their mother. She is happy that I am good to her children but jealous because she wants her ex back.
Give it time, understand her shoes before you are too quick to judge.
Yeah, I think you're
Yeah, I think you're overreacting. If BM doesn't want her to talk about you, then she's also not talking crap about you - THAT would be "teaching her to hate". BM wants some SM-free space in her own home, which is totally normal and understandable. Would it be nice if she could let her daughter talk about you? Sure. Is this going to somehow scar the kid for life? Nope, not hardly. Let it go.
You're very lucky to have a
You're very lucky to have a good relationshiup with SD. I have to agree with teh comments from others here - I think it's OK if BM does not want to hear about you and your bio in her house.
My SD is 4 and is at that stage where she talks about my mummy this, my mummy that. i have zero relationship with BM but when SD talks about mummy this mummy that I just put on my super friendly voice and go with it. I know BM doesn't like me at all and she has refused to accept her ex and mine's daughter as her children's half sister. That's ok by me.
SS6 doesn't talk to me anymore since I moved in with my partner and had the baby and it's obviously coming from BM. Be grateful the times under your roof are good times. Yes, I know it hurts that after being a very good SM to this girl she's not allowed to talk about you but i think you have so much more going for you than you realise.
All the best.
Yes, our skids had the same
Yes, our skids had the same rule in BM's house as well. Root of it was jealousy. We went out to eat, mini golf, vacations, laser tag, etc. She was too lazy and didn't have the funds to do this so they weren't allowed to talk about the stuff we did. My favorite was when she would say we only did it to upset her. Right.... You can't fix stupid or crazy I suppose.
It IS harmful to the kids,
It IS harmful to the kids, but nothing you can do. Don't make a big deal of it to sd. When she says mommy doesn't like you, just say something like "I am sorry to hear that." Saying things like "Well, mom loves YOU, I love you, and dad loves you and that is all you have to worry about!"
You can have dh talk to bm privately about it, but you can't change bm's behavior.
What you can do is show sd through your actions that you are a good, safe person who loves her and you and your dh can do what you can on your end to shield sd from adult conflicts.
Don't talk bad about bm, even in response to a complaint relayed through sd, even if sd isn't there. Don't let other people talk badly about her. And be supportive when sd talks about bm.
I have to wonder how this
I have to wonder how this differs from the comments I read here from stepParents who don't want the stepKids to talk about their other parent...