Step Talk

I never, never refer to myself as "step" anything for just this reason! I always say I'm so and so's PARENT--because I do parenting. I don't say mother or mom, just parent. The kids refer to me by my first name and if they are asked who I am to them they "This is Nancy, she is my parent".

sometimes they are surprised because they actually thought that you were the BM. Especially when you take them to the DR., attend conferences, reply to school concerns., and my favorite--pick up from school when ill.

I would often get the confused look when doing anything with the girls. They both look more like me than they do either of their parents, not sure how that happened, just a freak accident, I guess. But we had that mother/daughter thing going, so people were often surprised to discover that I'm their stepmother, rather than mother. Until they'd hear the girls call me by name, people just assumed I was their mother. I took that as a compliment, but even so, you get sick of making explanations. I guess it just comes with the territory.

But the other side is equally frustrating, because we've hit upon doctors and teachers who wouldn't discuss the kids with their FATHER, let alone with a mere stepmother, just because he didn't have primary custody.

People are like used cars... some are lemons. So next time you come across another lemon, squeeze it!

~ Anne ~

I tried to make a doctor's appointment for my SS and was told by the office staff that only a biological parent can bring in child for appointment. But no one seemed to mind (doctors, nurses, etc...) when I was the one who had to rush child to emergency room for throwing up blood when BM gave child too much medication and couldn't read presription.

I am the Bio mom to 2 sweet girls. However my ex is the one with residential custody and I lived out of the area for awhile when my kids first started school. I have a great relationship with both my ex and his wife, the Step mom to my girls. She always includes me in mother daughter stuff, and I do have regular visits. But living and working almost an hour away I rarely went to the school for anything. The step mom is a stay at home mom and was always right there for school pick ups.

Since my ex and his wife have 5 kids and they have all went through the same school, everyone at the school knows them and looks at them as "The Parents". Now all you step parents that get that oh.... will get a giggle out of this....try being the bio parent and being asked how you are related to the child by the child's teach on open house night and getting the OHHHH!!

And I have to commend you for allowing you ex and his wife raise your girls. It is not easy in today's world for a biomom to give up residential custody because it seems as though society frowns upon those mom's. If more woman would admit and recognize that what is best for the children is not always an easy decision, and giving our children's custody to the biodad, more children would have it better. But because society seems to think that if a biomom allows her children to live with their dad, they are somehow throwing away their motherly duties. Where that mother should be congratulated for giving her children what she knows is best for them. Do you know how many woman should allow their children to live with their dads? Whether for financial, economical, distance, or employment issues, woman feel as though they are the bad guy if they do what they know in their heart is best for their children at that time. Good for you! Keep your head up! You obviously are doing the right thing, and your ex and his wife know that too. The communication you have with them is wonderful and just shows how much your little girls are loved by ALL parties!

Hugs to you Robin!

Janice

To have someone understand that my girls live with their father because it was a choice we made together for the best interest of the girls really means a lot. My ex and I never had to deal with court battles over anything, from custody to child support. We did what was best for the kids from the start of our divorce. And being able to remain friends and raise our children to love and respect the other parent has given us many rewards.

I will admit that it was not always easy for me personally. Sure there where times I wanted to be selfish and just wanted to say they are mine and I am keeping them, but I love them so much and I wanted them to have the best child hood they could. I was a child of divorce and I was tossed from one parent to the other to the grandparents, I went to 13 different schools, and lived in every state between KY and FL. I didn't want my kids to grow up like that. It is hard when I tell someone that the girls live with their father, they automatically assume I must be a bad mother to have "lost" my kids. They automatically judge me and label me as bad, without ever learning that I did not "loose" them, I sacrificed so they would have the best life possible. And if the day came where I did not have to work, and I could afford to live in the same town with them we have it set in the custody papers that we would share custody with a week on week off schedule.

There are many nights I still cry myself to sleep because I miss them so much. And going through this custody battle with my boy friend and his kids has brought up a lot of emotions as the courts want to know why I don't have my own kids. And trust me his ex is using that as much as she can.

I just wanted to say thank you again for not automatically assuming I was somehow a bad mom. Your kind words meant a great deal.
Robin

If you continue to read the nightmares that some of the steps here have to deal with, it will make you feel even better. While some bio's and step's are bitter, there are truly bio's that have no business raising a dog, let alone a child. Yet they use their maternal "rights" to justify their ugly behavior. They battle their ex's and steps for the sake of $ and power, rather than realize that what they are doing is destroying their children.

You bring up a very good point when you say "sacrifice". It is not easy to allow someone else to raise our children. I am fortunate enough to have remained rather amicable (sorry Fearless, lol)with my ex and his wife. My eldest son lives with me, with his dad and other mom are less than 2 miles from us.

The true sacrifice is when we do what is best for our child(ren) no matter how much pain we are in. I recently posted (reposted) a response I had to someone who was complaining about the biomom in their life. I try to explain what pain we do go thru, regardless of those that may be selfish in their actions.

My eldest son is from my first marriage, he is 17 today. He is at the stage where he is "hangin' with his Dad" more than ever. It's okay today. (Read response on Happy's Blog). It was not always that way for me. I was jealous and insecure. He needs his Dad. I have often said he is at that "Eyeroll, stomp, and sigh" phase of his adolesence. If it weren't for his Dad, I may have murdered him when puberty started!

In all honesty, if more woman would step up and admit that there child(ren) would be better off with their Dad, we would have a lot less resentments. I happen to know of 3 men that work with my fiancee. They all have custody of their children. They are deemed the almighty men. Why? Because they were awarded custody? No, because the Mom's in all three of those situations knew what was best for their kids. And yet these 3 men get praised for raising their children. Why? Because society deems the woman more capable. Why? Because we are mothers, we know better. I say, we do know better. And no matter how much it kills us, we should be allowed to do what is best and NOT be frowned upon for doing so!

You do not need to cry yourself to sleep my dear. You should thank God you have enough love for your girls to do what is best for them, in spite of your heartache. And when you reach those pearly gates someday, they will have your crown ready, reading: "Mother of a lifetime, who knew what was best and bled for it"..... Your love is, in my opinion, the extreme of what only those who have been there can understand. Fortunately, I know of a woman in your situation, not that I know your history. Her son is being raised by her ex and his wife. And the relationships all around are more healthy than those woman who fight like hell to keep children they know would be better off somewhere else.

There is nothing like a mother's love. Your daughters know that. You cannot be replaced, no matter who dishes out their breakfast in the morning! Hugs again!

Janice

I am right with you on the teen son and wanting to strangle them at times. My oldest child, my son, has been with me full time always. His father lives in another state and only sees him during the summer. My son turned 18 last july. It was rough raising a son so far from his father. And the men in my life unfortunately where not the best influences. Took me a while to find my own path and deal with my own childhood issues and learn how to have a positive and loving relationship. But my son is my best friend and my biggest headache at times. We have been through so much together and we both made it through. This past year he really helped me realize that even with my fears of messing up with him, I managed to do a pretty good job. He turned out to be a wonderful young man, never in any kind of trouble, a member of the national honor society, and got a great scholarship to the college of his choice.

It made me really look at the things I did to protect all my children. My girls are both blessed with a great group of friends, they participate in many activities and are very active in their church youth group. The friends they have are girls they have grown up with, went to sunday school with, play soccer with. The kind of life long friend that you never forget. They can tell you the names of all their teachers from kindergarten to present. It is the life I always wanted and the life I knew I would make sure they had. My son had it a little rougher with us moving several times, my bad relationships that he had to live through with me. Things that the girls didn't see so much of.

Now my baby boy is getting set to head off to college, and I am having a lot of empty nest feelings. But I may become a full time step-mom if my BF gets custody of his oldest son, he is 10. My daughter gets along well with him when the other kids are not around to fight and carry on. I have a great relationship with my BF son, and he has been begging us to please let him come stay. But it is up to the judge to make that decision. My youngest bio-daughter has also been asking for the last 2 years to come live with me, but now is more hesitant due to the other kids being here on and off. The first year she asked to live with me her father wasn't prepared to let go and it kind of hit him hard so we decided to let her finish the school year and spend the summer with me which went pretty good. But as school got closer we realized she was not able to decided if she wanted to stay and start school. It meant changing schools and making new friends, and I could tell she wasn't ready to make that kind of decision. So we decided it would be best to let her stay in her school and close to her friends and she is able to come and visit more when she is off school or has long weekends. I am concerned about how she will react if my BF kids come to live with us, be it one or all of them. I do worry that she will take it as they come first before her which of course is not the case. With all that has been going on I have been a bit more wrapped up in the things with his kids, but only because I know my kids are safe and well taken care of and his are in a bad spot right now. I love them all very much, mine and his.

Well I have gone off on a babble and it is late. Better get some rest. Will check back in tomorrow.

Mirror image of you right here....as far as the eldest son anyway! I too raised my eldest pretty much on my own and dragged him thru a few bad relationships as well. Hell, I even married on of those bad relationships, just to make sure I left no doubt of what a loser magnet I could be! But out of that second marriage came my youngest son, age 8. They were born 10 years apart, and let me tell you, they are worlds apart in every way! Where the eldest is quiet, moody, sullen and intelligent, my younger guy is loud, excited, curious and struggles a little with his school work. The older one, TJ, drives me crazy with his one word answers and sighs, and the little one, Tyler, drives me absolutely mad with all the questions. And he's at the age where I can no longer make up the answers. Therefore, I have to admit too many times that I have no idea what the answer is. He is my reason to smile these days, where TJ is the reason I have started getting shades of gray running thru my normally redhead!

Seems ya just can't produce that one perfect child...... LOL!

I wish I could find some of my posts so that I could show you how very much our feelings are alike. Like you, I dread the day TJ leaves for college. He is a senior and has been put thru private school since Kindergarten. He stands 6ft 7inches and has more interest in playing football than he does in his academic career. I am trying to explain that I refuse to pay 60K a year for him to play football!

In closing, I too am proud of my son. He has turned out well in spite of my bad decisions. My friends tell me he turned out so well BECAUSE of those decisions. Do as I say, but definately NOT as I do!
I have pretty much set for him, every example of how not to make the most simplest decisions. So, he truly has learned from the best in the mistakes department. And what really cracks me up is that he STILL listens to me! Imagine that!

My second son, (2nd divorce) is very easy going in some ways, and a worry wart in others. I have put a lot of responsibility on his young head I'm afraid. Where the older one benefited from my "parenting by guilt", the youngest has had to learn early on that his father is not the most reliable person in the world. He works when he feels like it, and he cannot help himself to introducing Tyler to every woman he decides to take on a simple date. He is irresponsible beyond belief and not the brightest star in the solar system. Definately a few french fries short of a happy meal, if ya get my drift. So you see, I went from the fire right into the frying pan.

Love to talk more, email me anytime!

Janice