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He told me if I wanted to go, then go...

hbomb's picture

He has said this twice today already, and once yesterday. If your husband really cared about you, why would he say such a thing?
He said that obviously I am the one with the issues, so I need to go deal with him. This is after he throws me wanting to see a counselor a couple of months ago in my face. He told me he is so exhausted in helping me (um... not sure that taking me out for dinner a few times and to go trail hiking counts). Apparently, all I do is complain all the time and it is making him miserable. People have it "a lot worse than we do" he says.

Thanks for the 5 years of nothing I guess?

At this point I don't even care anymore... Maybe I should walk. We do not have mutual children together or a bunch of shared financial aspects (they are all in his name, and I have my own). Also, I won't have to deal with his spoiled brat of a son anymore either.

Sorry I just need to vent. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this Sad

hbomb's picture

Thank you for your comments. I really appreciate it. All of these things he is accusing me of I do not know where he is getting them, and I said as such. He apparently is also frustrated because I don't see the things he did for me? However, I do remember the times he scolded me in front of his son, put me on the back burner for some hobby or work, got upset with me because I wasn't into having sex with him, and the times he told me he would be fine without me. I will say, I did admit to him I thought I was depressed, and that I thought I needed to talk to someone. I have just been so busy with school (I am going over full time) and work (I work 40 or more hours a week) that I just haven't made that a priority. So I guess if I bother him so much I should just take him up on his offer. The sad part is, I am not really even upset about it. At this point, I am so mad I WANT to go. Although, my only options are a hotel or my parents (I do not want to burden my friends).

hbomb's picture

He does. And of course. He wants me to stay. I guess we will talk some more now that he is making some sense.

SugarSpice's picture

its clear that your leaving wont be a concern to him. maybe its a bluff. but in any case you must either disengage or divorce and move on. your choice.

the excuse of "others have it worse" is an excuse. its clear in most cases that disney dad and failure to parent or stick up for you are the problem.

positivelyfourthstreet's picture

Geez no wonder you're depressed. He's an ASS!

Mine used to tell me that or threaten using the D word. I did leave a few times but he always begged me to come back swearing this time it'll be different. Sure it was until I settled in then the same old shot started again. He would always throw my ass under the bus for everyone else and become abusive again.

This has been very hard on me. I had a short illness and it's under control now but I haven't worked in a while.
I am looking but it's hard enough for young folks with all the right stuff to find a job let alone a 50 year old woman who is absolutely broken from him and steplife. If I could leave I would. It is simply not financially feasible at this time.

To cope I have been somewhat disengaged. For YEARS. He doesn't like this. He has less control over me now because it doesn't really hurt anymore just par for the course.

He threatened to move out in January like this was supposed to make me and my whole world crumble. I told him in all seriousness that maybe it was a good idea and started throwing suggestions out there as to division of assets visitation and whatnot.

He immediately backtracked and has never mentioned it again.

I was dead serious though. I was tired of the narcissistic raging false accusations and pity parties.

I am still disengaged because I can't trust someone this unpredictable and if I get lucky enough to find a FT job I will save every penny I can for freedom. If it gets completely untenable or physical I could just take half the 401k which would be sizeable. I would hate to be stuck relying solely on that though.

Call his bluff and shut his nasty ass down like yesterday. Strip him of his power to manipulate and frighten you play with your emotions and break your heart.
If he has PD like I suspect my H does disengagement will benefit you.

How far you take it depends on the severity of your circumstances. Remember this: disengagement is not about changing his action it's all about changing your reaction.

Hugs to you and good luck whatever your outcome is.

CompliKated's picture

Firstly, did he say this because you brought up going or being potentially happier if you were not together or does he basically just tell you to leave whenever you express any form of discontentment in life/the marriage? If it is the first then neither person should discuss leaving unless really considering it. If it is the latter then if you want to stay then I would be honest about your feelings and commitment level. I would point out that you did not mention leaving and ask him why is he suggesting you leave? is it because he wants you to?

I would not call his bluff unless you are 100% prepared to leave for good. There is the potential that he is saying it because he wants you to end things rather than him or he may be surprised to find out with some distance that he does in fact want a divorce after all. If you don't want him throwing around ending the marriage for manipulative reasons then do not do it back. Divorce is not a game. It does sound like you are close to the point of thinking maybe it is best to end things and move on.

Shaman29's picture

Personally, if my H told me I was the problem and I should just leave (and said it several times to me)....then I would pack up my things and walk out the door without looking back.

Orange County Ca's picture

This guy needs a sex worker, chef, chauffeur, maid, babysitter, household goods shopper such as groceries etc. The least expensive way to get one is to marry her and hey she even chips in on the rent or mortgage.

He will pull out all the stops to keep you so he can go back to his hobbies and such. Listen he has made it crystal clear where you stand in the hierarchy of his life. Where as a wife is supposed to be number one you in fact trail behind his work, kid, toys and effectively everything else in his life. Talk about being taken for granted. Can you even be sure he loves or cares for you? I doubt it.

Don't take three days worth, fill the car with as much as you can, tell him you're tired of listening to his crap and you'll be back for the rest of your stuff.

Orange County Ca's picture

The lady above who said that men are straight forward and he no longer wishes to be married has a good point. If your guy is like that then she's right on. He just doesn't have the guts to say it so he's hinting you out of the home. Another reason to go.

clockz71's picture

As a man....

I would tell you to walk. I could even make an argument for the first time he said it "being in the heat of the moment", but beyond that - he means it on one level or another. I know this, because I was that person. She ended up leaving, and in retrospect, I was afraid of the change, not losing that piece of work I call an ex. (I am not saying that about you obviously.)

Go. If he is serious about wanting to work things out - he will make it happen. Period.

I know this sounds shitty, but it is a power grab. Relationships often have power balances. Which side do you want to be on? Or....maybe he's just an asshole, and you will be happier in the end? I think that he is done, and I suspect you are as well.....you guys just don't know how to do it. Besides - look at it this way: Even if he DIDN'T mean it, he sounds very immature if he is saying that.

Just a thought.

blueorblackink's picture

You said you don't even care anymore.

I think you should leave. It is scary to leave a familiar situation but if neither of you are happy it won't get better.My husband was like this. I kicked him out. I was terrified because I wasn't the bread winner. But it worked out okay.

It took my husband 3 years to get his crap together. I took him back (I admit I am a dumbass). Our relationship is no longer at all like it was before he left. He totally conformed.

I am a dumb ass for reasons that are weird to explain, but he did realize that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. This may or may not happen for you, but you will find out a lot about your personal strength and your boundaries and the things you are willing to put up with and those you are not.

But initially I stayed when I was at the point of indifference and I feel like I wasted part of my life being unhappy. I don't recommend it.