Shit went down last night - Having major doubts about my marriage now!
My DH and I have been having a difference of opinion on parenting lately as I've been posting more frequently. But shit went down last night and we have been fighting more often because I'm starting to stand up for myself more when he treats be badly.
Whenever I bring up anything he doesn't agree with he fires back with some sort of fucking attitude and I point it out every time now because I've talked about it in counseling but he seems to still be doing it! It's like a natural reaction or something! I ask him nicely, "i just came at you completely respectfully, and this is a perfect example of how you treat me when I make simple suggestions or requests on parenting issues. Tell me, how can I come at you in a way that won't make you fire back at me like that?" Fucking bullshit!!!!
Anyways, we're going camping tomorrow for the weekend and I've been shopping with the kids and they've been crazy at the store as some of you may have read. Well, last night when DH came home I wanted to take my son with me and leave the SD's. The truth is we needed to get a game thing for him so I needed him and he talked about how it would hurt their feelings if I didn't take them. I know I know, I already posted this part, but more happened after I posted which is....
He told me later that SD was hurt I didn't take her of course and he had a long talk with her explaining explaining explaining and deterring it to he wanted to spend time with her anyways. But we were fighting in bed because even though he "claimed" to present a united front to sd, he didn't agree with me at all and doesn't think I should ever not include the girls in anything if they are available or want to go and she would have been excited to shop for the camping trip. I said, "you don't know what it's like to be with them all day, when you come home it would be nice to get away from all the madness and you should want to be with them anyway. He preceded to tell me he wouldn't leave my BS out of such an activity even though he busts his ass at work all day. He's great at making me feel like a bad mom.
The conversation also went in the direction that I don't think it's very smart that he always gives long drawn out explanations to the girls, because it's like he's treating them like their adults and it's why they feel entitled. Does he realize that the perhaps reason why they think I don't love them as much as BS (true), is because you explain explain explain to make them feel better instead of shut down their insecurities?
Did you ever wonder why they keep breaking rules is because you don't keep it simple enough for them to understand? NO means NO!
Did you ever wonder why maybe they are so emotional is because you draw attention to their emotions when they are feeling them?
I think it's okay to talk some. Maybe offer support every once in a while. But he refuses to hear me out.
"I know my girls and what they need, and what you are saying is going to fuck them up"
It's simply not true IMHO. I have to deal with them and their fucked up behavior so obviously I want him to be a better parent in this way. But also, what I think about is we want to have our own baby together and if we don't see eye to eye on parenting and can't compromise then I don't see how we can do it together and risk divorce and being stuck together for 18 years.
We just got married last year after being together 4 years. Everything was fine before. I just don't get what happened!
Living together proves
Living together proves nothing. In fact statistically couples who have lived together prior to the marriage are more likely to eventually divorce. You are seeing his true self now that he feels he doesn't have to "act" any longer.
Your parenting ideas are far apart and apparently he's not going to change his. He gives it lip support but never really implements any change. And he's not going to.
Personally I'd give up on the idea of marriage and would never have a child with this guy if that was in the plan.
If you want you can try completely disengaging. This is explained in the article I've linked below.
http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html
I wouldn't put much weight
I wouldn't put much weight into those statistics. Cohabitation has too many factors to have a very controlled study on. However, it is probably good to go into cohabitation assuming you will get to learn every aspect of the person before marriage and that if it goes well that it means you won't encounter problems ever. People can change their views or behavior over time. For example, I may like the way my SO parents his kids now and then not when they become teenagers several years from now. I just do not want to feel like the OP compromised her marriage by living together first. I completely agree successful cohabitation does not make a marriage fool proof.
We didn't have that talk. He
We didn't have that talk. He seemed okay with my authoritarian approach to raising his daughters. I see that disengaging is an option and it's tough because BM doesn't want them on her off days and we'd have to pay for child care if we want to find other arrangements while he's working.
I don't normally stay home. I'm currently unemployed and actively job searching. God I could never stay home for good in this marriage.
I see what you are saying. I should accept the fact that he's entitled to raise his girls how he wants to. The issue I guess is that we want a baby but if we can't agree on parenting then I don't want to have one with him. You see what I'm saying? The way his girls are raised are not how I want my child raised. And if he is going to treat me like this when there are issues then that's my problem I'm trying to get him to face.
We really should have had
We really should have had that talk "officially" though. God it would have made our expectations much more clear.
I guess it's not too late lmao
I think that even if you have
I think that even if you have a discussion, it's damn near impossible to cover these unique cases that come up that you can never plan for. Just like when you make a set of house rules and you think you've covered everything. But then they do something stupid you would have never thought of and have to make a whole new category. You just can't always plan no matter how much you have talked.
We've talked about our views on parenting, but I've realized that actions speak louder than words. He says one thing but does another in the actual moment it's happening.
I agree. We had the
I agree. We had the discussion.
We covered so many things, we agreed on so many things, we compromised on the things we didn't agree on off the bat.
It was amazing.
I thought "this man REALLY is perfect for me!"
2.5 years of living together later I have come to realise a few home truths (not that it's taken that long but you know what I mean)
1. House rules - we agreed on those. And in theory we still do. Only problem comes when HE won't deal with his child who breaks them. There is always an excuse, gaslighting, yelling, "let me deal with it MY way!" BS.
2. His Disney Dad goggles. He fails to see where his kids fuck up and are less than perfect - anything they do wrong is always someone elses fault. So - he agrees that certain things are unacceptable - but his kids never INTEND to do those things - someone else is always responsible therefore his kids need no discipline.
3. He is basically a Passive Aggressive bastard. He says what people want to hear to save having to have an unpleasant conversation, but never intends to follow through.
I agree. Ideally yes you have
I agree. Ideally yes you have the talk beforehand because if there are just such huge incompatibilities that cannot be ironed out then it is best to move on. However, you just cannot prepare for every detail. Plans will not go as thought, life will throw you curveballs, people may change their beliefs...
And YES YES YES to the second part. That was my first marriage! We talked and talked about important things like morals, religion, raising kids, and finances but his actions never correlated with his words. He told me everything I wanted to hear. Another issue we had was he assumed I would change my mind on certain things I said like I said I wanted to finish out my degree before having a child and I wanted to be married a few years to enjoy some couple time first. At one year of marriage he was shocked when I didn't want a baby because he thad always assumed after we had been married a year I would "mature" and change my mind.
I agree with all of you! I
I agree with all of you! I just don't know what to do moving forward. Like, when there are no kids around we are so in love and all over each other. But when you bring these complications in the mix he is so stuck in his ways, and I don't feel like my opinion is valued. I want another child so bad!!! I'm only 25, he is 38. So we're running out of time in terms of "us" My son is almost 8 and shit I don't wanna start all over with a new kid when he's 18 or close to it by the time I settle down with a new man of my dreams that hopefully works out and has no fucking little shitheads. I feel like I should make a decision soon but not sure if I should just give up on another marriage.
Do you guys think I should go stay somewhere else for a few days? I have family like 45 mins from me and the kids go away for a week... I could leave and have him face the reality of loneliness? Is that stupid??
I'm with you Cat. Totally. DH
I'm with you Cat. Totally. DH and I still are distant and I'm not backing down from how I'm feeling. I'm going to get through this camping overnight tomorrow, go to counseling on Tuesday then pack a bag and head out while the kids are gone... Thank you for giving it to me straight!!
"My DH's biggest 'reason',
"My DH's biggest 'reason', 'excuse' thing was that it wasn't fair that my BSs had their dad and MOM, while SS only had DH. Uh, sorry, it is NOT my PROBLEM that YOUR EX is who she is and the way that she is. I DID NOT choose to have a kid with that woman, and it's NOT my ex's PROBLEM either. IF YOU want that, sue her for CS and make her pay for once."
Man if I were to say it's not my problem and I didn't sign up for any of this. You married your ex and had these kids so they are your resp not mine... Or something like that, DH would flip and say uh yeah actually you agreed to marry me, and I agreed to marry you and we were fully well aware of what we were getting into with these kids years in advance.
Lol
On top of what the others
On top of what the others said.......
We had 5 kids in my family, I have three sisters and a brother.
I am here to tell you I survived when mom or dad took one or two of my other siblings to the store, on a walk, to a game, to a movie, on an errand or wherever without me.
Did I whine about it?? Absolutely. Their response? Tough titty cried the kitty, the milks gone dry.
Of course you're going to want to spend more time with your bio, that is natural. It has nothing to do with how you feel about your skids. It has to do with wanting to spend some one on one time with your bio. And don't tell me he doesn't take his kids out without you or your BS.
I'm also backing up what Echo said........double up on BC and do not have a child with this man until you both iron out these wrinkles. Or you're going to be a very, very miserable wife, mother and SM.
Lol he doesn't take the girls
Lol he doesn't take the girls out without me or my DS....
Not on special things anyway. Last year I wanted to take DS to an amusement park and he threw a huge fit because the SD's were at their moms and I really wanted to go anyways.... For DS. We did, but it did not go down without a huge fight from him and the girls when they found out and life was hell. Like father like daughters.
I have an IUD so I'm not getting pregnant unless we plan it thank god.
Yep that's pretty much what I
Yep that's pretty much what I said. Did he fucking care? Nope he thought I was HEARTLESS. Lol
Yeah I wouldn't say I live by his permission, but I would say more so that I need to be more firm in my beliefs and not let him guilt trip me and shit. He starts making me feel bad about harsh decisions I make because I'm the strict one and he sure knows how to make me feel like I'm not doing "what he would do" or what's the right thing to do. Or find some way to deter me from my point.
Lol and he's generally a quiet guy, I wouldn't say he's manipulative. But fuck he's stubborn and protective over his kids however he doesn't take them anywhere like the park or anything. He just sits on the couch, doesn't spend real time with them. We're going camping tmrw for a night and we do things every once in a while but god forbid when you have a couple free afternoons a week you do something with you me kids on a normal basis or play in their rooms.
With your kids on a normal
With your kids on a normal basis*
Makes sense.. Sigh.. I see.
Makes sense.. Sigh.. I see. When it's all put together like that I get it.
Try disengaging.
Try disengaging.
UPDATE*** Hey all, I didn't
UPDATE***
Hey all, I didn't end up leaving it turns out because we ended up talking out our issues. I introduced the conversation like we should have a conversation that we perhaps didn't have much of before we got married and I wanted to cover all bases of our future and go over the fight from last week. Here's a summary.
- fight from last week. Resolved and compromised. This is the only part I'm worried about. He may not hold up his end of the deal.
- SD's behaviors (whining, disrespecting, him not stepping in so I can disengage)
- expectations he had for me as a wife before marriage/visa versa
- expectations he had for my role as a SM to his girls and mine for him to be a SD.
- plans for possible future baby. Roles, rules, etc.
- house rules and possible ways to enforce rules
- discussed examples of how to approach each other without creating conflict and made a commitment to try to not snap at each other on the spot. To try to be constructive when figuring things out.
Other things but that's the main stuff I think. I wrapped it up by reminding him that while our kids our important to us and priority to care for their well being, it's important to remember that they will only be with us for 10 years max, but we will be together for possibly 50 years more and need to be each other's priority and back each other up and take each other's opinions seriously. I said that when we are united and on the same page with everything, everything with the kids will fall into place more easy and that's where it should be. Etc etc.
Just wanted to let you know where things are going. The last 5 days, disengaging has NOT worked because he has not jumped on them when needed and I can't have my house run that way. Not when I'm bringing a baby into the home and certainly not when DS7 is here to learn from them. Not acceptable, so I've been disciplining. I told him I don't want to be hated when they are older, they don't take me as seriously as they take him and I think he's starting to understand but still in denial a little bit. We're working on it but keeping communication open.... Thanks for all your help
Where in that list was YOUR
Where in that list was YOUR expectations for him as a husband, YOUR expectations about your role as a SM? I would hope you did tell him at least what your concerns were and if so, basically you told him what you needed from him (to parent his own kids). Then when you attempted to disengage, he didn't even try to do what he needed to do to help this marriage and you just accepted it right away and took back on all the work? He showed you his lack of dedication to you and his true expectations of you. Maybe he gave you a nice chat but his actions are very clear and you just made an excuse to go back to disciplining. It doesn't sound like anything has changed.
Yeah I told him everything
Yeah I told him everything you mentioned in my opening and throughout. Sorry I wasn't clear. That was basically mostly what we talked about. Verbalizing my concerns, expectations, etc. And i was interested in his answers especially because I'm always up front about mine so nothing he heard from me was new. But some things I heard were new/some things not really. Mostly everything I've learned along the way but people change and opinions so it's important that we talked again to see where we stand in these areas.
My main concern at this point is, will he discipline more now that we had this discussed this? I gave him incentives and reasons why it's best all in one convo, I hope it made a difference.
It was silly really because
It was silly really because it really wasn't about bonding to me, that particular outing. Just simply needed DS to pick out the video game add on he needed to play his game and the sd wasn't needed. I told DH one kid was enough and due to the fact that over the past 2 days of shopping with them the girls have not controlled themselves in the store if rather she not tag along just for the ride because I'm exhausted and want to get in and out.
Everything else I totally agree. We agreed on a lot of things and I'm glad we spoke because I felt better knowing that our parenting styles really aren't that different... And if we had a bio then things would be different in regard to how we disagree on things because we wouldn't be so defensive. He just needs to follow through on disciplining the girls. I can't live in a house of madness.
We gave each other some examples on how to approach each other. He said "if you have an issue with things that are going on with the girls, then don't come up to me listing everything they've done... Just say this is what you've noticed has been a problem today and this is a suggestion on how to address it or ask me to address it but be constructive about it instead of complaining"
We need to communicate more because I do feel a lot better after talking about this. We talked for like 2 hours or more.