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I have a question about my BD11 and visitations with her dad, need your input

Accordn2L's picture

I have 100% custody of my BD11, as long as her Dad has a safe place to live and my BD11 wants to go see him I allow him to get her every other weekend. We live an hour and a half apart and so I even meet him halfway most of the time. I can't stand her dad but I keep my opinions to myself and know that it is important for children to have relationships with their father. He is 47 and currently living on his mom's couch and rarely pays child support, thousands and thousands in arrears, never covered her medical insurance either, both of which are on the child support order and somehow he has always managed to wait it out until they are about to lock him up and then send $100 to keep the caseworker off his back. Anyways, my BD11 went to spend a few days with her Dad's half sister because she had a new baby and she and her aunt are very close. Her aunt lives 5 miles from Dad, yet she was there for 4 days and he never called, stopped by, took her to lunch like he promised, and when she was finally able to get in touch with him he told her he forgot she was there and had gone to the beach...

My BD11 was so hurt, I sat there and listening to her cry about how he makes promises he never keeps, he lies to her over dumb stuff, he is selfish and always puts himself first, etc... Things I already knew about him because I was married to that dickhead for years. But it's really the first time she saw him in this light, she always put him up on a pedastal and he couldn't do any wrong. I kept my mouth shut because I hoped he would become the Dad she wanted him to be before she realized any different and the opinion she has of her father is hers alone, not my feelings about him.

So this weekend would be her weekend to go with him, this other stuff happened last week. Normally he doesn't call much or respond if she texts him from my phone, but he knew she was upset and has blown my phone up all week. She didn't want to talk to him, her feelings were hurt. I told her I needed to know if she wanted to just stay home this weekend and she said yes. So I texted him and just said she had decided to stay home this weekend and we will see in two weeks about visiting. That opened a shit storm of texts from him about what a bitch I am etc... He hurt her feelings but I'm the bitch, I love how that works.

Here is my question, sorry it took so long to get to it but I wanted to give you the background of what lead to this, at what age have you noticed that your children start deciding they don't want to go to their visitations with the other parent and want to just stay home? She is 11 and pretty mature and smart for her age (although I'm biased because she is mine lol) and since I'm not ordered to make her go I'm not going to get in trouble for not sending her. Thanks in advance for any input!!

Comments

Accordn2L's picture

You bring up another issue that she has expressed about her visits there. She has started wearing a bra and has become extremely modest as she is growing and when she visits him she doesn't have a bedroom of her own which is ok I guess but she sleeps on the other couch while her Dad snores louder than a freight train all night. His mother let's all her grown children come back to her 2 bedroom place and bring girlfriends and kids whatever. So it's pretty hectic over there compared to our house where she has her own room, big house, and it's just us. He works full time but would rather live at moms who still does his laundry and doesn't ask him to pay her anything to stay there than to get an apartment and be a real grown up and provide his only child with a bedroom. Again, things like her own bedroom, privacy, are not reasons to keep a child away, but she is getting at that age where she is comparing the situation at our home vs. Dad's and seeing a big difference.

You use the word immature, that was too nice for him, he is a selfish dickhead who should want to spend time with his only child whenever he can. She was 5 minutes away and he knew she was there because she reminded him several times and kept calling his cell phone leaving messages. And I'm used to his mad hateful texts, anytime he doesn't get his way or his life sucks I've always been his punching bag, when I was married to him I was that in the literal sense, now just through text and email. I can't make him be the daddy she wants him to be, but I still accept no matter who or what he is, he's still her dad at the end of the day. It's just really hard seeing her cry and listen to her saying all the things about him I already know and remember how I felt being married to him and kicking myself for chosing this man to create a child with.

tabby yabba do's picture

My DD12 has been sort of going through a slow fade with her bio dad too - most noticeable to me since around her 12th birthday I guess. I am not sure the exact reasons but similar to your DD11, my exH doesn't prioritize our DD12 or really consider her needs or feelings (never has actually) but DD12 is finally noticing it. I also do not criticize my exH for his shortcomings, but instead let DD12 draw her own conclusions from his broken promises and failure to bond with her in a way that is meaningful to her.

Where I differ with you, is even when DD12 doesn't want to visit with dad, I still insist she goes. I don't let her call the shots. Both she and her dad need a chance to work out their differences and face-to-face visits are the best way to do this. I won't do this forever (pressure DD12 to visit) but until I feel DD12 is more mature and emotionally developed, and as long as abuse or neglect is not a concern, I will send her. I will always and forever be able to honestly say I did not interfere with her relationship with her dad, but did encourage and support it. I will have no regrets and neither my DD12 - nor the exH - can blame me for their lack of closeness (if that happens). My conscience is clear because I feel I'm doing the right thing, even if I get some pushback from DD12 now (responsible parenting isn't all sunshine and rainbows Smile )

Good luck to you! I have faith you'll do what's right for your situation.

Accordn2L's picture

If he were the kind of person that would sit and listen to her and hear her feelings out and discuss things then I would totally be on board to tell her she has to go and visit and talk to him and work this out. But when things have happened before, he will turn on her and say hateful things to her and basically turn everything around on a child and crush her for trying to talk about something he did. It's how he copes, it's never him, he's the victim.

hereiam's picture

My niece is a very mature 11 and my sister lets her decide if she wants to see her dad or not. He's an alcoholic and it really hurts my niece's feelings that he cannot NOT drink when she is there. He is also full of promises that he rarely comes through on.

At some point, I think it does more damage than good to force a child to see a parent that they don't want to see, especially if the reason is valid. My niece is almost scared to spend an entire weekend with her dad. At one time, she adored him, then she became old enough and wise enough to see through his bullshit. Besides the alcohol problem, he is a lot like your ex, a selfish liar and he can be pretty mean. She knows that he loves her BUT she also knows that she is not a priority for him.

I hope that he will eventually get his act together and that someday they can have a good relationship.

he told her he forgot she was there and had gone to the beach...

But you're the bitch? How about he is an asshole of a father.

I would do what you think is best for your daughter, and despite what some people might say, that is NOT always to make her go with her dad (in my opinion). My niece's visits with her dad are pretty sporadic but I think it's better for her that way, emotionally.

Skipping a weekend doesn't mean your daughter is cutting her dad out of her life.

Sweet T's picture

I agree with the 1 good parent comment. I realized after exh posted crazy shit on FB after BM asked him in a private email not to call their child a dumbass on his FB page as it was disrespectful and to be kind, that I am going to spend the next 12 years having to counteract the damaging behavior he will have on our son for the next 12 years. I am going to have to work extra hard to be the best parent I can be so that our son doesn't end up to be an abusive person who spews hateful comments and believes that they should be able to do whatever they want because they feel like it.

I may get burned for this but if you are going to be a shitty parent and not pay attention to your kid when you get to have them EOW, you "rights" shouldn't matter as much. Why should his feelings be more important than an 11 year old.

Sweet T's picture

So true, if we didn't have the influence of mentally ill dad life would be so easy. Last Sunday for lunch he fed him dippin dots and an entire bag of cotten candy...take a guess what my night was like.

calm retreat's picture

I don't think letting your daughter stay mad at such frivolous things is a good idea. That's how personality disorders are developed. She'll begin to think in terms of black and white. She'll begin to do it with friends and then with you. It's better for her to learn to ask to have her needs meet by her dad. So that they may both raise to each other's expectations. All those things you gave as examples could be worked thru, if they were discussed in a productive manner. To me it sounds like you're finding justification for allowing her to compartmentalism him into the "unnecessary" category. That's sad to me.

calm retreat's picture

I agree with this Lady Face ^^^ Is he flaky? yes, it sounds like it. Is he abusive. No, doesn't seem like it. Sweet T has an abusive ex. That's her experience. My DH is not abusive, his ex alienated him for no reason, other than he was an unnecessary inconvenience for her to have to deal with. That's my experience. There's always two sides to the story. At 11 I don't think it's a good idea to put the onus on the girl to choose. That would be emotionally abusive in my opinion. We can't choose our parents. We deal with them, until we're emancipated. It makes us much better adults. If we grow up thinking we can just throw family members to the curb when they disappoint us, we start thinking it's appropriate to do that with everyone, it will give her a superiority complex or worse. Have you considered that your ex was disappointed that she went to see her half sister and aunt without including him. What? Was he suppose to "chase her down"? Or maybe he thought he was giving them quality girl time together. I think your daughter is projecting abandonment fears. That needs to be sorted out, not dismissed and ignored.

Accordn2L's picture

LadyFace-

No he has nothing as far as court ordered visitation and the reason is that he didn't have a stable address, he couldn't say where my daughter would be staying on her visits, the woman he was dating at the time had been convicting of abusing her own children, and in our state what he did when we split is considered "abandonment".

I do not consider my child my possession, but she is a minor and I have to decide what is best for her and if he is not staying somewhere safe and taking care of her then I am not going to send my child into that type of situation. I said I do not talk bad about him, I listened to her telling me all of these things about him and I knew what she was talking about because I experienced it with him during the marriage.

And thank you for pointing out I gave my daughter "shit father". When I met him he wasn't an asshole or I wouldn't have married him! Things change in a marriage and yes it takes two. But I do not accept that his failings are part mine.

Sweet T's picture

I disagree with this comment. I know in my case the man I married and fell in love with was not the person that is now my sons father. People can fool us into thinking they are one thing and they are not.

Seems to be the case with a lot of the ladies on the board.

Accordn2L's picture

I pointed that out in my reply to Ladyface. He was great when I met and married him when I was 17 and stupid and he was 27. 10 years later I was in an abusive relationship with a chronic liar and cheater and didn't want to raise my daughter to think that was ok for a man to treat her that way and it had to end.

Accordn2L's picture

I'm very serious that is what he said to her. She told him a week in advance that she would be visiting and they made plans. Then while she was there she kept trying to reach him and he wouldn't answer his cell which is totally common for him. When he finally did he told her he forgot and was at the beach. I'm an adult and if my dad did that to me now I think it would hurt my feelings so I can't imagine it wouldn't hurt an 11 year olds.

calm retreat's picture

^^^ This^^^
Yep, learning "radical acceptance" is a way better method of coping than "splitting". It will get her farther in life.