Husband making me resent his son
I am new to this forum so please bear with me, I am just so relieved to have found out it is not just me that has a problem with children from another relationship. I married my husband last year, we had been together for 11 years and have a beautiful 7 1/2 year old daughter together. He has another son from a previous relationship who is 15 1/2. 7 years ago we moved from London to Cyprus because the schools where we lived where terrible, he was very rarely allowed to see his son so we moved here to give our daughter a better standard of living. My husband has returned back to the UK regularly to visit his son and he comes out here on holiday once a year in the summer holidays. Over a year ago we lost all our money through a bank and are literally back to basics as we live in the sun and we are fairly happy. As soon as we lost the money I took several jobs to supplement my daughters school fees which are only £350 a month but the state schools here are not good. In the meantime his son goes to a very expensive boarding school in the UK which he admittedly he has a scholarship for. We always agreed whatever we paid for one with school the other one should have the same, but now he pays all school fees for his son and none for my daughter. OK, not happy but live with it. He has just come here on holiday paid for of course by his father and has been spoilt for 2 whole weeks, diving course, sailing, spear fishing, shooting, whilst my daughter has gone knowwhere as we have no money. His room has been a tip with wet towels left on furniture, feet on coffee tables, no please for anything, the list goes on, then I am told the days he returns back from here he is flying to miami for 2 weeks holiday with his brother and mum but he said his dad told him not to tell me. I might add, we have not had a family holiday ever and have not even had a honeymoon as he said we can't afford it. The anger has now come with his son has a step brother in the UK which is nothing to do with my husband and Charlie wants him (8 years old) to come out on holiday here next year, I have said I am not happy about this as I don't know this child, he is nothing to do with either of us. We have had massive rows as he thinks I am being selfish. This is only a fraction of what has been happening. I am at my wits end, all my friends see how differently he treats his son to our daughter and he will not have it. Now my daughter wants very little to do with him. I just don't know what to do, advice would be great......
Time to split your finances I
Time to split your finances I think. It sounds like you actually end up paying for your daughter AND subsidizing SS's extravagant vacations - and now are being asked to fund one for another child not even related to your DH!
Nope, I'd put your money in your own account, use the joint account for household bills only where both of you must contribute equally (your daughter's tuition should be paid out of here as well), and then whatever is left over from your respective salaries is yours to do with as you wish. If he wants to use HIS money (after paying his fair share of family expenses) to do all these things, then fine. But it's ridiculous to expect YOU to pay for any of it!
Would he be willing to go to
Would he be willing to go to a counselor or something? If not, how about a financial advisor? I know you are tight on cash but that could save a LOT of money. Sometimes guys are more willing to listen to a third-party than they are to their own wives. Stupid but true.
There is no way he should be treating your daughter lesser than his son. He also needs to cut back on his spending and get his head out of the sand on what your household finances are like!
I too am new to this forum.
I too am new to this forum. It's my first ever. It's been happening for a while and I know I will go into too much detail. I am sorry but I want you to get the right picture ........I am married 5 years now to a man 10 years older than me who is widowed. He has 3 grown children, each with two children. I have 4 children and the younger graduated high school when we met. One son is married with a 5 year old. My only grandchild. I never knew their were any problems with his children totally not likeing me until I made the mistake of writing them and suggesting ways they could treat their Dad better. BIG MISTAKE I ADMIT. but not the real reason why they hate me. Before our wedding we both said we did not want babies there. We gave the families 6 Months to find sitters. They never tried. Our wedding was in our home without a lot of room. While my sisters and daughter and daughter in law were giving me a bridal party the night before the wedding, I find out later that his family did nothing for him. My own sons were upset when they heard. No cards were given to us to say congratulations. We did make much of it . My daughter in law had her baby two months after the wedding and Garry was allowed to be called Grandpa. That was special to me. My son lost his father at age 4.
Later we went down south for the winter as this was our retirement plan. We didn't hear anything from his family. Mine were regulR communicators. We got an ipad because we knew his children all had one as did mine. We tried face timing them but they were not interested in face timing us back and when we did, they were obviously not interested. I was upset so one day I made the mistake of suggesting to his children how a father/grandfather might be treated when they are wintering away from home. "Phone him. Ask him what he does for fun. Send pictures of the children. Send drawings they made so we can put them on our fridge. Just plain communicate." That was it. Their ammunition to tell their father what an interfering Bitch I was and I crossed the line. My husband agreed and I did also because I did not discuss it with him first. So we both sat down and made an apology letter. It still had commits about what would be nice for my husband as far as the communications etc, just that I should have been more gracious and should have done it with my husband. My husband thought it should mend any issues. Oh no, it just made it worst.
In general, instead of blabbing along. I am not permitted to any of his families dinners or functions or birthday parties. His children do not speak to their father unless they want something or it is the obligatory call on Father's Day , Christmas etc. He calls them and drops in on them as if nothing is wrong. He tried to have family meetings with his family to discuss the issues but his children always kept their ground.
He's over at his sons now because last night He asked his son if we could take his grandsons out for the afternoon. The answer was "there have to be conditions agreed upon by me, otherwise, No. I got mad at my husband for not sticking up for me and that I have done absolutely nothing wrong to deserve such treatment. That's it for now. Thanks for the ear
I will let you know what happens when my husband gets back. It sure has been hard on our marriage. I hate it
Hi all, thank you for your
Hi all, thank you for your comments, I have to agree it is down to my husband but his son also knows we don't have the money but still expects his father to indulge him, My H never says no to the ex when she asks for money for expensive school trips and I agree this is his problem. However, what has tipped me over the edge is his son assuming his brother can come here on holiday when he is nothing to do with either of us, I don't want the responsibility of a strange child and I certainly don't see why we should have him here on holiday. My H says that he feels sorry for his sons brother as he does not see his father, I said that really is not our problem, It also makes me angry that his son puts his feet up on the table and my H says nothing although when my daughter has done this there is hell to pay. His room was a tip with clothes just thrown on the floor and wet towels on furniture, again when I spoke to my H about it he thinks I am making a fuss about nothing. My daughter has been excited about her SB coming every year but this year although he is double her age he was quite nasty with her and making her cry also she sees the things her brother gets away with knowing full well she could not do those things. The day his son flew back the next day the family were flying to Miami for 2 weeks, so they don't go without anything.
It also annoys me that when we were living in the UK my H so rarely saw his son as he was always busy with football, hockey, parties, but now it is like the green eyed monster, he is very jealous of my daughter and whenever Laurence gets close he will push in front and start play fighting so my daughter just takes herself upstairs. I had misgivings when I met my H 11 years ago about going out with a man who had a child from basically a fling, I wish I had stuck to my guns now and stayed clear. I can just see this getting worse and worse.