Parenting Children in Their Late 20's
Where do I start? I have been told by counselors that I have been Co-dependent and I have have really been making good stride in counseling, I feel I have come a long way. I feel I have made real good choices, I feel stronger because of it. I had been doing so well that I stopped seeing my counselor of 3 years in Jan and I have continued to do well. I got knocked on my butt yesterday and I feel terrible. I feel like I am being stabbed in the back over and over again....this time from my own adult children. Advise/insight would be greatly appreciated!
My 33 year old daughter likes to stir the pot and so I am very careful what I say to her. She and her family came for a visit last month. Our youngest daughter just graduated highschool and has a boyfriend who she has been friends with since 8th grade....both have had other boyfriends and girlfriends but they maintained this friendships the whole time. They became a couple this past Christmas and the boyfriend was at the house meeting my oldest daughter for the first time. My youngest was in her room with boyfriend watching a movie and they happen to be on the bed together, door open. My oldest daughter walked in and did a quick assessment and decided she didn't like what she saw. She jokingly made comment to me, I responded to the statements but I didn't play into it all as I felt my oldest had made a big deal out of nothing. She didn't like them being on the bed together, her sister has had this habit of hanging her bras on the door handle so there was a bra out, and she is on birth control and her sister saw that and jumped to the conclusion that I was being too permissive and that I was allowing her sister freedoms that were not given to her growing up. I thought I had handled the situation well. I really felt none of this was my oldest daughter's business or concern which of course I did not say. I felt the situation had been handled and felt that the issue was over. I could never be more wrong.
My oldest daughter goes back home and starts telling her other sister (28 years old) all about what happened and what she saw. My 33 years old did not stop there. She started searching for my youngest daughter's accounts on the internet....a trail of her behavior basically. She found youngest has an Instagram account, found pics of her showing her abs and pic of her kissing her boyfriend. These pics were passed to my 28 year old daughter. My 28 year old calls me concerned for her youngest sister and tells me all that was said. She was concerned that I had not given her strict enough guidelines for her behavior, that I had not placed proper boundaries on her little sister, that I was being too permissive....they assumed the birth control was because their sister was having sex and they questioned the boyfriend's intentions, whether he was just interested in her for her body and if she was being pressured. They also did not like the Instagram pics and felt youngest was using her body to get attention and was not aware of the dangers. My 28 year old sent me link on how to raise a teenage girl.
I looked up the Instagram page and was not overly concerned about the pics.....no busty shots, no booty shots, not even sexy poses....just youngest in shorts and tube top type thing....difinately more than a bikini. I checked her followers and they were all kids her age and many of the girls had the same like pics. I felt it was the age. I tried to defuse 28 year old and tell her that she had nothing to worry about, that I have spoke to her sister as to whether she was putting the pics on for attention or if she felt pressured by boyfriend. I told her my opinion of the pics on Instagram and told her that only time will tell if this relationship will be more with this boy but that he does seem sincere and he seems to be a good kid (19). We have met his parents and he seems to come from a good family.
28 year old would not stop so I finally told her that I felt this was not just a concern for her sister, that I felt it might have something to do with her own past and this is when she tells me that I had not been there for her, that she had to learn about boys the hard way and that she is paying the price for it now, that I would not address the hard issues with her. She tells me that she felt she could not talk to me growing up. She says that I had not had strict enough guidelines with her and she feels I am doing the same with her sister and she does not want to see her sister go down the same road.
I knew something was up, it's been 2 years of receiving emails with links on how to be a mom sent to me from my 28 year old. Calling me and talking to me about what she feels I should be doing with my life and giving me advise which I have not asked for. I listen but I have not quite understood why she feels she needs to tell me how to live. I guess I have my answer. This is also the daughter who called me on Mother's day to wish me a good day but then the next day calls and tells me she is hurt that I had not called her first to wish her a happy Mother's day.....totally freaked me out!
My 28 year old was not promiscuous nor difficult as a teen. I felt we were close and we did talk. She had a boyfriend for nearly 2 years before it became sexual and she did come to me and tell me that she wanted to go on birth control. We went to the doc together. I did speak to her about my concerns at the time. She was 16 and the boy (her husband now) was 18, they have been married 9 years. We were not the type of parents that openly allowed sex in our house for our children.
I am seriously exhausted from all of this. My 28 year old has been very clear on her feelings of what a terrible mom I was. I finally responded to her email and told her that I hoped that she never receives an email from her children like I have received for her, that her words have been very hurtful, that I gave her and her siblings the best that I could give them. I apologized for being the neglectful parent she saw me as and told her I hoped one day she could accept me for who I am.
All of this and it was just
All of this and it was just last week that my 28 year old contacted me because they needed money and I sent them $1000.
That's exactly what I did
That's exactly what I did when chastised by a step-daughter. I told her I did the best I could considering the circumstances and if I didn't live up to her standards well that was what it was.
I had to laugh because this was from a women who never married and never had children yet she's telling me I was a poor parent. But I didn't see any point in calling her out and increasing any antagonism so I just let it go.
I think you need to stop sending money. I don't know what the complaint was but I doubt if it fell into the "need" category as opposed to "want".
Good god Almighty!! As a 28
Good god Almighty!!
As a 28 year old woman, I would rather shoot myself in the head then to write an email like that to MY OWN MOTHER!
She should be ashamed of herself, her sister and apologizing to everyone and their dog for acting that way! What an ungrateful bitch!
Holy shit! I seriously hope I never meet your daughter...I would DESERVEDLY smack her in her smart ass mouth!
Thanks OrangeCountCa and
Thanks OrangeCountCa and MamaFox, my daughter is living beyond their means and she doesn't want to work and leave her 6 month old in daycare. I actually suggested that she could find work opposite hours of her husband and then she told me that they had talked and that they decided he would work over time and they would sell one of the cars to eliminate payments. Yeah, time to get tough.....I raised her and her big sister without child support from their dad and no one was handing me money. I wish I could have had the option to stay home with my kids but I had no choice.
I too have felt a great deal of disrespect with the things my daughter has said to me. I can tell you that trying to be understanding sure isn't helping. My husband tells me that my daughter is the one with the improper boundaries for thinking she can tell me how to live my life.
Trying to get in to see my counselor so I can figure out the steps on how to deal with all this. I have to get the knife out of my back!
I'm sorry your Daughter has
I'm sorry your Daughter has hurt you in this way, but she needs to grow up. I'm sure we can all look back over the years and see what we perceive as slights from our parents, feel hurt about that and lash out at them. Why, because they will always forgive us, they are our parents, love us and want what's best for us. Case in point, your Daughter said some hurtful things but you still sent her money in her time of need because you are her Mother (one that she should be thankful for).
Throughout my 20's I went thru a terrible stage, blamed all my problems on my Parents and their divorce. I was a selfish bitch, there's no other words for it. I said some terrible things to my parents, things I regret and can never apologize enough for now to take them back. As I aged and grew, I realized all my problems were results of my STUPID choices and not my parents or their divorce. The divorce is just something that happened in my life, is does not define my life.
I hope that as your daughter grows & matures, she will realize how hurtful she has been and mend your relationship. I'm sending you a big HUG, and hoping you have a fabulous day, go out and make it all about you. You deserve it!!
I have a sister in her 50s
I have a sister in her 50s that blames my mom for her not going to college or dating other men when she was younger. My sister is married to her high school sweetheart and actually very wealthy with a great life. My mom was a single mom with no child support and could barely put food on the table.
When my sister was a teen she would not be apart from her then boyfriend for even a day. He went away
to a camp for a week and had to fly out to see him because she missed him so much.
When my sister tries to blame my mom for her not going away for college I remind her of these things and she gets mad at me. I told her she remembers the past much different than it was and now shes having regrets and looking to blame somebody but herself. Btw her husband waits on her hand and foot
and makes tons of money. College for her kids is already saved up for, house paid off, multiple vacations-you name it.
Sounds like your daughter is having regrets on how her life has gone whether its financial problems
or her choice of husband making her regret things and shes looking to pass blame on you. Dont
let her make you feel guilty or doubtful. Sounds like she made her own decisions and maybe some
mistakes along the way and doesnt want to take responsibility.
Ive told my sister she needs therapy because shes in her 50s and is bored and has had a very
nice life while my mom has had a horrible life and very bad things happen to her and she feels the
need to be so cruel.
As far as your 18 year old they voiced their concerns hopefully out of love for their sister and you addressed it. Now tell them to butt out. Youre the mother not them.
Your eldest two daughters are
Your eldest two daughters are being butt heads. YOU are mother to the youngest - not them. It is not their right, their privilege, or their place to try to "mother" her for you.
Your middle girl is also being ridiculous. She is an adult - much too old to claim "it's my mother's fault!" for anything other than genetics. It seems like she's stuck in the past, so you might try nudging her forward. "I'm sorry you seem to think you had such a rotten childhood, I thought we did pretty well all things considered, but there's nothing I can do about the past anyway. What would you like our relationship to be going forward? You are an adult, and I have always admired your ability to make good choices for yourself, so I'd love to have a more adult relationship now!" (Yeah, even if you *haven't* always admired her choices, I'd throw that out there. One, it emphasizes that her choices are just that - HERS. Two, compliments generally make difficult situations a bit easier. And three, telling her that you admire her choices will actually prompt her to MAKE good choices, living up to your expectations.)
Daughters can be really
Daughters can be really judgemental and critical of their mothers especially in their twenties. I have 4 DDs (ages 22-30) and I have been spoken to in a manner I NEVER would have spoken to my mother. I, too, went to a counselor for over a year to deal with my own children along with dh and his drug addict sons. It was TOO much. My counselor told me that my daughters were immature and things would get better and that HAS come to pass. But, I would definitely listen to all the op's and CUT YOUR DAUGHTER OFF financially. No way at age 28 should you be helping.
I also have a 28 year old daughter who I've had problems with, but she and my oldest have finally matured to a point that they keep their opinions of me to themselves because I spoke up and let them know I wasn't going to tolerate it. You need to let your daughter know that YOU are the mother of your youngest and let's see HER do better when she has her own children. Seriously, there is way too much of this kind of thing with this younger generation which does make me wonder where our generation went wrong. OUR parents NEVER would have tolerated such things from their children.
It is just natural for
It is just natural for parents to mellow out between the older kids and the younger ones. They also might be in a better financial place than they were when the older kids were young. So it might appear you are being more lenient or generous with your younger daughter. Perhaps you are. Your daughters have the right to feel anyway they want, whether it's valid or not. They do NOT have the right to be disrespectful of you, just as you would not be disrespectful to them. No apologies are necessary on your part.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your responses. I was able to meet with my counselor yesterday and I think even she was surprised of these events, knowing the history with the family. She felt my oldest daughter was triggered to something in her past when she saw her sister with her boyfriend. That then went to my middle daughter as a concern and then my middle daughter got upset from the conclusions my oldest had drawn. However, I think in my middle daughter's case she approached me because she felt she could and so far being bold has proven productive to her and no matter how polite and understanding I was in telling her that her sister was fine, she kept insisting that I listen to her. I think this was more of her own issues and I wonder in some sense she is blaming me for being with her husband. She has not been happy in her marriage for 3 years now, became pg in this time and went thru a tough pg. Shortly after the baby was born she found out her husband was a porn addict. Since then everything has gone down a religious path for resolution.
My counselor feels I need to express to my middle daughter that she is going to have to trust my judgement with my mothering of my youngest and agrees this is not something my middle daughter needs to be a part of. She also feels my youngest daughter should be warned that she does not have to answer to her sister. She said that I also need to find a way to point out to my middle daughter that I am not to blame for her choices and see if she can talk about what she is blaming me for to hopefully open her up to hearing herself.
The money is done. I was a single mom with 2 kids at the age of 24 and had no education beyond highschool. My ex left me with a mountain of bills and paid no child support and I made it. As much as I hated leaving my 1 year old at daycare, I had no choice. There is no reason my middle daughter cannot find a way to work with her husband's schedule so that she can work some outside of the home and ease their financial situation.