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CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Something just came to mind when I was talking to BS19 today. Since he has been putting all of his money into getting a functional vehicle for college, I told him I'd buy his practice cleats for him, as the college requires he provide his own practice shoes. I was asking him what he was doing Saturday thinking we could get the shoes then. Then, a thought came to me. DH will insist on making it a family outing! So, I'm taking bets now...

Who thinks that SD15 will "need" new dance shoes, even though she just got a new pair about 4 months ago and they are hardly worn? I'm betting she will also suddenly "need" new black leggings for guard, because she always wears them as pants with everything, when she is told they are strictly for guard! Funny how I can wear the same 2 pair of compression pants I bought a year ago that I wear and wash every week, and a pair of leggings don't last 2 months with SD15! Oh, that's right...I don't live in them...you know, wear as pants by day and sleep in them by night! I only wear them during my workouts! I'm thinking she keeps needing new ones because they finally up and run away from her while she is in the shower!

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Well, DH will be..."where are you going?"..."I wanna go!"..."SD15...we are going out...get dressed." I rarely get to go anywhere by myself, and if I do, DH pouts! I'm shocked I get to go to my dance class or the gym! I'm still waiting for DH to make the "suggestion" that I take SD15 to a class with me. You know, since she loves dance so much that she doesn't even dance in her free time at home, but would rather lay on the couch or in bed! When I was SD15's age and younger, I loved dance so much I was always dancing in my room. Used to make my poor dad sit through recitals in the living room...good thing he didn't own a TV. LOL

Disneyfan's picture

So let him pout.

There's nothing wrong with you hanging out with your son for a bit.

KittyKatMomma's picture

It's simple-don't say anything to anybody-tell your son NOT to say anything-and the 2 of you can just go do your own thing.
This is how I do it in my house-because if my SD finds out her father or I are going somewhere without her-all hell breaks loose then we gotta deal with the "you don't love me" tantrums

Calypso1977's picture

my bet is 100% they will all want to go.

so I would simply just go out with your son and not say anything. you have EVERY RIGHT to do something on your own, or with your son, or with whoever you want.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Just tell them both NO. Easier said than done, I understand. When DH and I would go shopping, SDstb13 (younger then) would always want to go to where the toys were. Then she would want something. Then DH would buy it. I started telling her that every weekend wasn't Christmas when she came to our house, and she wan't getting a toy every time she saw her father. It embarrassed her a little, so she started saving for things and asking for gift cards.

Now she lives with us FT and still wants stuff. She came into our room the other night and after much angst and trying to put the words together....She told her father she wanted CosPlay stuff. I don't even know if I'm spelling it right. She's into Pokemon and anime, so now she wants costumes. Her father said that those items were VERY expensive and to go to bed lol. I told DH she needed to find some neighborhood jobs and start saving. We aren't going to spend hundreds on costumes. Hell to the NO. It ain't Christmas.

~ Moon

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Even better yet, if she is truly wanting to get into cosplay, girlfriend needs to learn to make her own stuff! I have a few friends who do cosplay, and they really look down on people who buy their costumes ready made! The community is about being creative, not lazy!

MamaFox's picture

Agree with PP, Cosplay (while TONS OF FRICKIN FUN!!! Yes, I still do it on occasion, not everyone can pull of Death from Neil Gaimens Sandman comics) is VERY EXPENSIVE if you do not make your own costumes and or choose characters you can easily pull off (aka myself as Death).

I rock the hell out of Tophats, J/s!

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Problem solved!!! My car wasn't ready, so had extra time this evening after the dentist...while DH was at work and SD15 was at guard practice! BS19 ant I went and enjoyed a dinner together, and then went to get his shoes. Of course, still expect that SD15 is still going to say soon she "needs" new dance shoes. It's been a couple of months since she last used them...so I'm sure they are lost somewhere in her room. You know how she does it...instead of cleaning and finding lost items, she just says she needs new items.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

I know!!!

BS19 was so funny yesterday getting his stuff. We needed to get his practice cleats and his gloves...because the school does not provide those two things. Mouth guard, game cleats, etc...they do provide all of that. His high school coach never allowed them to have any color on their cleats or gloves...not even their school colors. For college, he is allowed to pick practice shoes and gloves that have the school color on it, and it so happens that the school colors are his favorite red and black...LOL. It was so funny watching him...like a little kid! "I have red cleats!!" LOL I'm going to miss BS19 and his silliness! I even told him yesterday that I do not know what I'm going to do without his daily dose of silly...he is going to have to call me regularly to help me keep my sanity.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

LOL...BS19 has gotten past the point in his life when I wanted to kill him. He went through his rough spell in elementary school...when every time the phone rang and I saw it was his school, I would look at it and not want to answer. I knew it was AGAIN that BS19 was cutting up in class, not doing his homework, etc. I swear the boy spent a full 2-years being grounded! But, because I did punish him when he acted badly, he got out of that phase, and was actually a pure joy to be around in his teen years. He's a good kid, and I get that feedback all the time. When people make it a point to tell you that your child is respectful, hard working, etc. you know you did something right!

BD23 was rough during her teen years...but she was the good child when she was younger. Go figure. She hit 16 and went bonkers! Much of the problem was the friends she had, and I had to do the tough love thing and show her the door when she wouldn't follow the house rules of no drinking when she turned 18. Thankfully, that taught her something, and she snapped out of what she calls her "butthead" phase, and we get along great now.

Calypso1977's picture

Remember your mantra.

No
No
No
No
No

givemefreedom's picture

Hello,

I'm new here and wish I could offer advice. But if it helps just know others like myself go through this same thing. I have two teen stepsons and they have "needed things" since they were 6 yrs old. It drives me nuts. They get whatever they want. Meanwhile I wear three year old shirts and the same jeans everyday, because I have to save all the money for what someone "might need." Discussing with DH is pointless - whatever their hearts desire. Good luck.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

And, of course, what is good enough for you is never good enough for them! I shop consignment and clearance racks, or at certain less expensive stores (like Forever21). Oh no!! Why should she have to wear used clothing? Why can't she get her stuff from the "new arrivals" or the more expensive stores? I mean, her richy friends shop at the more expensive stores, and she needs to keep up with them regardless of if we can afford it or not!

Yeah, here soon she will "need" clothes...when she literally has a room full of clothing! She is 15, and her size hasn't changed in the last 2 years (outside of the little weight gain and loss back and forth...but she should have stuff in her room that covers either direction at this point). I NEVER did "back to school" clothes shopping with my bios! Always bought clothes through the year as I found good deals or they actually needed things. BM always made "back to school" as an excuse for a new wardrobe, so now SD15 believes that there is no way she can be seen this school in anything she wore last school year!

givemefreedom's picture

I dread the words "back to school." In our house, our song and dance is: BM levies for custody time the week before school to make sure she gets them new clothes so she won't be outdone by us (actually DH because she knows he will buy a lot). Then, they come to our house and go on and on about what BM bought them, talk about it non stop, then ask DH what he's going to get them. They don't even need anything! But he will take them shopping so they end up with two times what normal kids get. Same thing happens at Christmas with the gifts. BM buys gifts, dad has to keep up, they end up with two video game systems, computers, you name it. Absolutely makes me wanna barf. Has been going on this way for years................never even occurs to them they don't NEED the stuff, they know dad will get it. At least they are boys, I know what you have with a girl has to be difficult. How did we both end up in this mess? lol

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

At least I don't have to worry about DH trying to out-do BM. I WISH BM would take SD15 shopping or have her husband or someone take the girl shopping! The woman doesn't pay child support and the child lives with us...it's the least she can do! We bought SD15 a few things last year after BM screamed at DH because SD15 called her and told her we weren't doing "back to school" shopping. Because SD15 didn't like what we bought (though she is the one who made the choices in the store...just not her "kind of stores"), she got BM's friend to take her shopping for all the expensive stuff she wanted! Doesn't phase me one bit when she walks in with all these bags from Macy's, Pac Sun, Hollister...I just think to my self, "She suckered someone!" Probably the ONLY thing that pisses DH off! He has been wearing the same 5 pair of Levis from JC Penny for the last 5 years at least, and he replaces his Dockers for work like every 3-4 years as they wear thin in all the wrong spots. When I go to consignment stores, he goes and hits up the men's racks to see if there may be any shirts he likes...he is luck if he finds 1 or 2. Sometimes, he will get a couple of new ones from JC Penny...especially if they are on sale.

Then he sees SD15's room...and she has more clothing than DH and I combined, and she complains she has nothing to wear...that she needs jeans...she needs shorts...she needs new skirts! I'm sorry...anyone who can go 3 months without doing any laundry obviously has no need for clothing! Probably the only thing DH doesn't give in and buy for her is general clothing. If she claims to need something specific for color guard...like black leggings...that is one thing. Every thing else, he is like, "Maybe you should inventory what is in your room first!"

Calypso1977's picture

i asked my fiance the other day if SD always demanded (and received) clothes from the pricey mall stores. he said "hell no!". When he was with BM they always bought her clothes at old navy, kohls and occasionally at justice (sale only).

now thanks to his exhorbitant CS and BM's lack of any household expenses, SD wears new (never on sale) clothes from all the priciest mall stores.

unreal.

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

I know what you mean! And now, BM tries to claim that because DH isn't paying child support, he can afford to spend that amount on SD15 every month! We don't even spend that much on BS19! I don't think we could afford to if we wanted to! Of course, she fails to realize that the water bill has doubled since SD15 has been here, electric bill has gone up, etc. Did they not have to pay these things when SD15 was there? Oh wait, they already normally live with every light in the house on all the time, and they like to water the street with their sprinklers...so they probably never even noticed SD15's usage!

Calypso1977's picture

im sure i missed this somewhere, but why is she not obligated to pay CS? Or is she and she's simply defying the court order?

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Because nothing went through the court! When SD15 started with her crap (skipping school, drinking, smoking pot), she basically got kicked out and sent to our house. DH made it clear to BM that he wasn't giving her money if SD15 was with us, and she agreed, on the condition that he didn't try to get child support out of her. She hasn't worked a single day since giving birth to SD15, and doesn't plan to any time soon. At this point, the woman get anxiety whenever she tries to leave the house...or so she claims. But yet, she is quick to try to demand that she can tell DH what he must buy for SD15...like money grows on trees or something. I think a lot of it is SD15 stirring the pot...she asks for something, she gets told no, so she goes to BM and plays the "They are so mean...they don't buy me ANYTHING" routine, and then BM calls DH cussing him how, because how dare he deny the princess anything!

I'm pretty sure the next time SD15 goes over to BM's (whenever that is) that DH will be getting a call. SD15 last night was again trying to tell DH that she needed braces. Here's the deal...anything wrong with SD15's teeth (outside of potentially thin enamel from purging) is cosmetic. She has some spaces because the teeth are a little bit smaller. They are straight...they aren't over-lapping, they aren't grinding wrong or causing pain due to misalignment...her teeth are just slightly small for her mouth, so there are spaces. She wants braces to pull all her teeth together and get rid of the spaces...that's it. Well, anyone who has had to go through a series of braces knows it is not cheap...even with insurance (as they only cover like 50%). Then, there are the regular visits for this adjustment or that adjustment. BM wants DH to pay 100% for the braces...when we already have paid for SD15's insurance her whole life. Naturally...DH does not have that kind of money, and considering he cannot "find" the time to take her to simply get a cleaning...who do you think he will try to stick with taking her to all of the "adjustment" appointments for the next 2 years? Yeah...I've already flat out told him I'm not doing it! He won't even dare ask BM to find a way to get SD15 to appointments. But here is SD15 thinking she is entitled to this expensive cosmetic procedure, and she has brought it up again. DH told her again he doesn't know if or when he can get it done, and she wasn't happy with the answer (had a huge attitude with DH about it). So that means the next time she goes to BM's....cry, cry..."my teeth make me look ugly and daddy won't do anything about it!"...then BM on the phone cussing DH out! BS19 doesn't have straight teeth (yeah, I know...he is a guy). I don't have straight teeth! Has anyone else noticed that we are living in an age of vanity, where it seems like every kid is being told they need braces, rather than braces being used to correct real issues? Like BD23...had to get them on her (this was before DH and I even married). BD23 had a problem with her baby teeth letting loose...so when her permanent teeth came in, they forced themselves into the same spot. This caused all of her permanent teeth to be turned inward...toward the tongue...and she was chewing on the sides of her teeth and was in great pain because of the pressure put on the teeth because of their wonky angle. Now THIS is a NEED for braces...they were used to pull her teeth into the position they needed to be in so it didn't hurt when she chewed. Seems to me in this society of vanity, you have a little bit of crookedness...oh, run and pay the dentist $1000's! And this is being treated by some as some sort of child abuse if you don't! What is next? Nose jobs and boob jobs for teens?

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Exactly what I've been trying to say here, too. SD15 still has not gotten her wisdom teeth. So many people do not have room for these, and this is what causes all the crowding (I had no crowding until my wisdom teeth came in...then it became crowd city in my mouth). SD15 doesn't realize that these spaces she has...all this extra room...is actually going to be a blessing when those things come in, and when they are done, her teeth will probably be pretty normal.

Like I said, the vanity these days is insane! I'm serious when I ask if nose jobs and boob jobs are next! "Oh...poor thing! She is only an A-cup because of her small frame! The kids are making fun of her! She NEEDS the surgery for her self-esteem or she will grow up scarred!" You tell that to someone (like BM) who is throwing such a fit because the spaces in the teeth are such an "emotional issue" with SD15, and they try to say, "Well, that's not the same thing!" YES IT IS! You are saying that because the teen doesn't like something about themselves...in this case their teeth...that they have to run out and get a procedure, or you are in some way guilty of child abuse! Tell me one person who is perfectly happy with EVERYTHING about them, and I will tell you that they are lying...there is something they don't like about themselves, but they simply choose to accept themselves for who and what they are! Want a child to have a healthy view of themselves? Teach them that everyone has their quirks...it's what makes us unique...and how to love themselves for who they are...not what society or some stupid magazine says they should be!

Calypso1977's picture

"Because nothing went through the court! When SD15 started with her crap (skipping school, drinking, smoking pot), she basically got kicked out and sent to our house. DH made it clear to BM that he wasn't giving her money if SD15 was with us, and she agreed, on the condition that he didn't try to get child support out of her."

um, your husband does know that she could take him to court for back CS, right???

Everything ive read says always pay, never do side deals because you are still liable under the court order until teh court changes it.

god, at the very least, did he get her to sign something??

CantKeepDoingThis's picture

Seriously...he has been at risk of her doing this for so long, it isn't even funny! Why? Well, their court order says that payments were supposed to go through a DHS. DH did this for a few months, but the problem was this...he would make the payments to DHS, they would process it, they would make a check out to BM, and they would mail it. BM didn't like this arrangement because she couldn't demand for DH to pay early if she "needed" something, and she didn't have a bank account...so she had to sacrifice 1% by taking it to a check cashing place. DH has been paying cash all these years! I've warned him many, many times that if BM really wanted to be a b***h, she could go to court and claim he didn't pay a dime all these years, and we are both screwed unless I divorce him on the spot and take my half of everything before she gets her grubby hands on anything. His standard response is, "She's not dumb enough to do that!" Trust me...something that always worries me!

Calypso1977's picture

that alone would be reason for me to separate monies now.

these BM's will get desperate when all sources of money are exhausted and they WILL come looking for what is theirs or what they perceive is theirs.