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Did you stop caring so much about Skid when you had your bio?

msg1986's picture

I had Dd in Dec and I feel like since then (I was childless when I began dating Dh) I've noticed my concern for Ss has dropped. Don't get me wrong, I'm concerned for his well being when he's with us and I do not ignore him or anything of the sort but I guess I've kind of fallen into an attitude of out of sight out of mind/not my kid not my problem. I almost feel bad about this and was wondering if it's normal and if any of you have felt the same.

msg1986's picture

Thankfully no one has questioned me but that's a good go to answer if they do. I guess it's natural to feel this way, I just feel bad, like almost like I abandoned him or something if that makes sense but then again I don't care and I feel like I should. Lol it's such a weird feeling!!!

OptimisticMe's picture

After wasting eight years trying to "save" my SD, I have come to this conclusion:

All kids have two parents. It isn't my fault if one of SD's parents refuses to be a parent. I am not obligated to take over for the worthless parent. If I do take over for the worthless parent, my bios, who also have only two parents, are losing my time and energy that really belong to them, as THEY are my responsibility, NOT SD. So taking over for another parent, results in my bios losing part of their parent. Their other parent is already taking time away from them for his other child, I am not about to take time away from them, too.

If you can make it work and feel that is best for your family, do it. But I now use the example above to help keep me from feeling guilty for not parenting SD anymore. My bios need me and SD drained everything from me, leaving a hollow shell for my bios. They deserve to have me first...now SD gets the scraps, if there are any left.

msg1986's picture

What?!? Lol that's cray. Surprisingly my wacked out mil hasn't suggested that... Yet. Blehhh

z3girl's picture

YES.

Once I had my own, I stopped dwelling on SD. I have far less tolerance for unacceptable behavior from her, and have no qualms telling DH if she's out of control, she's not allowed here. I won't have her influencing my toddlers. In the past, DH would discount my feelings toward her atrocious behavior since "I don't know what it's like to be a parent" but he has no more excuses anymore.

TakemySKIDS's picture

FDH used to give me the whole "wait till you're a parent" BS. Now I am a parent and I really have no love for his kids. Not that I ever did. I tolerate them. I just can't stand the way they are handled like precious china.

MEL1297's picture

Im the same as you - childless when I met DH and now a new baby. I definitely am in the thought of not my kid/not my problem when it comes to SKids. My DD takes all of my time and attention and I wouldn't have it any other way. That way I really dont have to dwell on DH/SKid/BM drama. My DD is much more important and I agree that its soo nice to have someone to concentrate on Smile

msg1986's picture

Yep, I def feel like I just don't have the time to worry about Ss and the drama. it's too exhausting. Before when bm would be raging out about xyz I would let it affect me. Now I kind of just feel like "meh... not my issue" and cruise on lol. In a way, Dd has made things better for me and my mental health.

derb84123's picture

Yep... And sks live here Beee 7 years child free and Sks and the BM drama ruled my world. Now it's like- they have a mom ya know! She may be crappy but that's not my fault. Def makes me feel guilty tho. Sd and I had a special bond, now she's growing more attached to her BM and I'm actually ok with it. I just hope the kids don't feel replaced or that I care less, as DH and I are doing the bulk of the raising.

counseling.advocate's picture

I have a DS7, SD8&11. I can imagine once we have an ours then my attention will shift to the baby. However mine is a little different bc I'm not going to be a new parent whenever I get pregnant, I have my own 7 year old so I will have to be careful not to make the girls feel "unloved." Because as much as I just tolerate them at times and look forward to their return to BM, I do love them AND the fights about "you love DS more than us!!!!" Drive me absolutely insane and I hate explaining to them my love for them. Constant battle.

My main concern though is making sure my own DS feels equal though. As selfish as it sounds I have this natural inclination to make sure he and the future baby to be equals and him not to feel threatened in any way, but with the girls it's harder for me to naturally feel that way. I will have to force the habit. I'm not sure if it's bc they aren't my own children, resentment is built bw us at times, or bc I know that it is inevitable that they will feel this way no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try. I'm going to go with number 3 but it's probably a mixture of all 3. I'll try my best to make everyone feel comfy though.

The point is, family is important and that is what we are. With my ds7 I already don't "keep up on them" as much. I taught them how to do their own hair and laundry and clean their rooms, and I ask them to do a lot for me so... I'm setting them up to be independent at our house so I can be checked out. Discipline I'm starting to defer to DH. Yay Smile

AllySkoo's picture

Yeah, definitely. Part of it is the age too though (and that's a good one to keep handy for anyone who questions you). Babies obviously require more attention than older kids, so OF COURSE you'll have less time for the skids. (You have less time for yourself, for that matter - something else to point out to anyone who's foolish enough to question you.)

When I had my BS5, I did become much less concerned about the parenting my SDs received. I had my own responsibilities as a parent, so it was easier for me to let go of that. However, when I had my twins (2 years ago), my BS5 ALSO ended up with less time than he'd had. *shrug* It's just the nature of the beast - when you've got a newborn (much less two!), there's less time for everything else. FWIW, we did cut down on any sort of sibling jealousy by doing a couple things. One, when talking about the babies I'd make it a point to refer to my eldest: "Oh, BS5's brother started crawling today! He wants to follow his big brother around!" Two, I made it a point to occasionally tell the babies they had to wait because I was busy with BS5 (since he had to wait for me when I was busy with them). Lol Seriously, once time they fell asleep in their swings, and BS5 asked for milk, so I said to the sleeping babies "OK babies, you've got to wait to go to your cribs for a few minutes until I get BS5 some milk!" It honestly did help.

Anyway, my point is that ALL older children get less attention when there's a new baby, skids or not. Don't let anyone give you grief about it. And having your own bio really highlights the fact that the skids aren't yours - that's just the facts, and nothing to be guilty over. As long as you treat them well, and fairly (not "equal", "FAIR") that's all anyone can legitimately ask of you.

daboywonder2002's picture

for me, it's more financial. stepkids are 11 and 8. bio kids are 2 and 4 months. with stepkids, i never felt a real financial responsibility with stepkids. but now with my own, it's like i gotta work to get this and that. i gotta save for college. so for me i just feel more responsible for my biokids. like their lives are in my hands

msg1986's picture

I get what you're saying and I feel for your son, however I never played mommy to my Ss nor did I ever attempt to make him feel like he was my whole world because he wasn't. I knew Dh before he had a child and reconnected with him 3 yrs after him and Bm broke up. To be quite honest had we not been friends prior to him having his son, I probably wouldn't have dated him. I don't treat my Ss any different now, I'm just not as concerned for his well being when he isn't with us. Before I would worry if Bm was having him around sketchy things, as she tends to do, but now I just feel like "well, she's his mom and I need to mind my business because I'm too busy with Dd." if that makes sense.

daboywonder2002's picture

vanessa i think a lot of people truly love their stepkids and we have some who care for them and tolerate them. Harsh but ask yourself, how many step parents on here would fully take care of their stepchild if the bio was not able to. Not to change the subject but my wife has 4 sisters. If me and her separated, would her sisters still consider me a friend? Sometime's relationships form because of a mutual bond. If it weren't for that common factor, would your relationship still be the same?

AllySkoo's picture

Awww... the birthday thing just broke my heart! FWIW, I didn't change my ACTIONS regarding my SDs at all after my kids were born. They still got birthday parties! Actually, they made out rather well since Christmas became a much bigger deal with the inclusion of Santa. Smile

And that's *exactly* what I was talking about when I said treat everybody fairly. You do NOT do something for one child that you wouldn't do for another. Yeah, sometimes the skids are going to miss out on something because they're at their moms, and yeah, my bios got the bigger bedroom because they're in the house 100% of the time instead of 4 days a month (at least when we still did EOWE, they're older now). I don't see anything unfair about that (and, to their credit, neither do the skids). But I do NOT take just my bios to the movies if the skids are with us (just as an example), ALL kids get birthday presents and cake (even if we don't have them for their actual birthday), and any kid in the house Christmas morning gets a stocking from Santa (whether they believe or not). That's fair.

Your poor son! Have you talked to his dad about it at all, or would it just turn nasty?

BethAnne's picture

All of those things sounds like things your sons dad should be doing for him. Fair enough, SM is now distracted by her own kids, but surely any reasonable father would pick up the slack and at least arrange birthday gifts/parties for their son. I think you may need to shift the blame away from SM towards BD who is the one who ought to be the one looking out for his son.

AllySkoo's picture

Not to make waves for another smom, but I would seriously consider inviting Dad to your house for a "special family birthday party" (sans smom) "since you're not allowed to celebrate your child's birthday at your house".

No, no, no, don't really do it, it'll be WWIII, but it's a nice fantasy to think of smom's reaction to that text. }:)

CompliKated's picture

This is actually a fear of mine. I do not have a child but want to have one. I worry about favoritism and dealing with that. Would I resent his kids because mine will get less resources or be less forgiving if they fight with my kid than with each other?

I like his kids but I noticed I am not attached to them the way I was to kids I nannied years ago. I was especially close to the little girl. Maybe it is because they are older or I am not One on one caring for them. I think that is a big part of it. I think I am also hesitant in general to attach too strongly as we are not married. Ive struggled enough with losing the potential of having a child in my first marriage. I don't think I could handle losing him and them.