Any shared BioKids aside, if you'd REALLY KNOWN what you'd be getting yourself into with SKids and their BM's/BD's, would you have gone through with a relationship with your SO?
Nope. I would have saved myself a lot of stress and not even bothered.
I know it sounds bad, but I day dream a lot about what would have happened if I would have stayed with this one guy from college.
Coming into this whole relationship with DH, I was satisfied with him being older, already knowing how to parent (or so I thought), having a steady job and income, a home, a car...everything was already laid out. I could start a family without worrying about establishing all of that first.
But now I wish that I would have. I would have went through the process of building a new life with someone rather than jumping into someone who had an established life, and all the previous drama/child that came with it.
BUT, I did/still do love my husband (on my good days ), and now we share a child, so what can be done other than try to work it all out now.
Without a doubt, YES, ABSOLUTELY! I am thankful to say that I am an example of how wonderful it can actually be if you hang in there! I've been married to DH for 15 years and SSs are now 18 and 20. Outrageous CS finally stopped 2 months ago, and we no longer have to worry about EOW visitations. Oldest SS was estranged for a few years due to severe PAS and has now decided on his own as an adult that he WANTS a relationship with his dad and me (and our 2 boys together.) I hope I don't jinx it, but the step situation is as good as I could ever have hoped. Beyond that, DH and I are happier & more in love than ever, and we now have more time to devote to our 2 boys, not to mention, more money! It really can be wonderful if you hang in there.
Probably not. Before I met S/O I had never dated a man with children because of all the drama a BM can bring. I never imagined all the other stuff that comes with it. I never questioned whether I liked children before I met S/O. Over the last two years I've discovered things about me that were dormant apparently. I've felt jealousy in ways that I never thought existed. I always thought myself not to be a jealous person. When I heard someone say, "my kids will always come first" I always thought, "well duh". Even when S/O said it to me in one of our very first phone conversations I didn't completely grasp what he was telling me. If I knew that pretty much everyone I know wouldn't understand what I go through, I wouldn't have gotten involved with him. It sucks not having the support of people who have supported you through previous relationships. I only have strangers to talk to on the internet now about a relationship that takes up a big part of my life. Everyone I know doesn't understand why I can't just think of FSD like she's mine. Never mind the fact that I don't even have my own kid to compare the feeling to. It's not all bad all the time just like any relationship but it is certainly has a whole bunch of unique issues that quite frankly, wouldn't exist in my relationship with S/O had he not decided to raise a child that isn't biologically his with BM.
I would, but with extremely strict boundaries. My DH probably wouldn't have gone for it at the time, so that means a no, really. Lol. He was so Disney that he wouldn't have understood and taken offense to it all. We have strict boundaries NOW, but that was after all the hell we went thru for him to see that we NEED boundaries.
Some days I still wanna pack up and move the fuck out.
Yes...so far. Only been married a year now though and SD is only 7 so still quite a few more years that may potentially change my mind. As others have said there may be a few things that I would have done differently.
On one hand, I knew BM was bat shit crazy and just a psychotic bitch...but I kinda thought it would mellow out after awhile, certainly after dating, and then getting married...WRONG. Had I known she'd be so difficult I would have probably been a little more cautious but ultimately would have probably still stayed.
If MIL had shown her TRUE colors prior to us moving in together and selling DH's house, the answer would most likely by probably not. I would have either RAN or at least said, "nah this two household thing will work for the next....how old is your mom anyway? (bad bad bad, going to hell for that comment. Sorry)
If SSs behaved the way they do now, NO. They weren't great to begin with, well I should say OSS was a problem, however not nearly like he is, and I thought it was just getting used to having someone in dad's life that had three kids and all....hindsight.
Now, if ALL THREE had been PERFECTLY visible, would have probably told DH that maybe we should just work out a friends with benefits arrangement...joking...maybe...actually not joking, would have totally done FWB and/or just dated some more.
No, and I should have learnt from my marriage which also involved skids. Trouble is, once you realise, you have usually put so much into the relationship it is difficult to leave.
Most definitely! For the most part, I get along with the skids. They do have annoying habits/traits but at least we don't have them every single day. DH wants to take them with us on vacation next summer. I will have to have some escapes planned. So they can have male bonding time, of course...
Like dtzyblnd, I would have set some clear expectations from the beginning.
I have had a horrible situation...cheating DH with lots of issues to work through and a SD with RAD that was a danger to the rest of the family. I dealt with a horrible, depressing life for eight years, two years of that DH and I were desperately trying to salvage our marriage. Two years after the hell ended (SD moved out), we are happier than ever! I never could have imagined a life with DH so happy and rewarding.
If I had known all that I would go through in eight years...I never would have married DH...I would have been scared away. But these last two years and the glimpse of what our future will hold have been wonderful and are well worth the hell we went through to get here. Looking back, I wouldn't change a thing...it all worked out and made us stronger
Yes I would. The connection I have with my DH is nothing like I've ever felt before and we are 13 years into our marriage. BM was a very very horrible issue in our lives but she has since been silenced.
I would have still married him but I would have established very clear boundaries in the beginning. I also wouldn't waste my time trying to be cordial with BM.
Yes, but it wasn't near as
Yes, but it wasn't near as bad as some who have Posted here.
Nope. I would have saved
Nope. I would have saved myself a lot of stress and not even bothered.
I know it sounds bad, but I day dream a lot about what would have happened if I would have stayed with this one guy from college.
Coming into this whole relationship with DH, I was satisfied with him being older, already knowing how to parent (or so I thought), having a steady job and income, a home, a car...everything was already laid out. I could start a family without worrying about establishing all of that first.
But now I wish that I would have. I would have went through the process of building a new life with someone rather than jumping into someone who had an established life, and all the previous drama/child that came with it.
BUT, I did/still do love my husband (on my good days
), and now we share a child, so what can be done other than try to work it all out now.
Without a doubt, YES,
Without a doubt, YES, ABSOLUTELY! I am thankful to say that I am an example of how wonderful it can actually be if you hang in there! I've been married to DH for 15 years and SSs are now 18 and 20. Outrageous CS finally stopped 2 months ago, and we no longer have to worry about EOW visitations. Oldest SS was estranged for a few years due to severe PAS and has now decided on his own as an adult that he WANTS a relationship with his dad and me (and our 2 boys together.) I hope I don't jinx it, but the step situation is as good as I could ever have hoped. Beyond that, DH and I are happier & more in love than ever, and we now have more time to devote to our 2 boys, not to mention, more money! It really can be wonderful if you hang in there.
Probably not. Before I met
Probably not. Before I met S/O I had never dated a man with children because of all the drama a BM can bring. I never imagined all the other stuff that comes with it. I never questioned whether I liked children before I met S/O. Over the last two years I've discovered things about me that were dormant apparently. I've felt jealousy in ways that I never thought existed. I always thought myself not to be a jealous person. When I heard someone say, "my kids will always come first" I always thought, "well duh". Even when S/O said it to me in one of our very first phone conversations I didn't completely grasp what he was telling me. If I knew that pretty much everyone I know wouldn't understand what I go through, I wouldn't have gotten involved with him. It sucks not having the support of people who have supported you through previous relationships. I only have strangers to talk to on the internet now about a relationship that takes up a big part of my life. Everyone I know doesn't understand why I can't just think of FSD like she's mine. Never mind the fact that I don't even have my own kid to compare the feeling to. It's not all bad all the time just like any relationship but it is certainly has a whole bunch of unique issues that quite frankly, wouldn't exist in my relationship with S/O had he not decided to raise a child that isn't biologically his with BM.
I would, but with extremely
I would, but with extremely strict boundaries. My DH probably wouldn't have gone for it at the time, so that means a no, really. Lol. He was so Disney that he wouldn't have understood and taken offense to it all. We have strict boundaries NOW, but that was after all the hell we went thru for him to see that we NEED boundaries.
Some days I still wanna pack up and move the fuck out.
Nope
Nope
Yes...so far. Only been
Yes...so far. Only been married a year now though and SD is only 7 so still quite a few more years that may potentially change my mind. As others have said there may be a few things that I would have done differently.
Ummm....well not sure. On
Ummm....well not sure.
On one hand, I knew BM was bat shit crazy and just a psychotic bitch...but I kinda thought it would mellow out after awhile, certainly after dating, and then getting married...WRONG. Had I known she'd be so difficult I would have probably been a little more cautious but ultimately would have probably still stayed.
If MIL had shown her TRUE colors prior to us moving in together and selling DH's house, the answer would most likely by probably not. I would have either RAN or at least said, "nah this two household thing will work for the next....how old is your mom anyway? (bad bad bad, going to hell for that comment. Sorry)
If SSs behaved the way they do now, NO. They weren't great to begin with, well I should say OSS was a problem, however not nearly like he is, and I thought it was just getting used to having someone in dad's life that had three kids and all....hindsight.
Now, if ALL THREE had been PERFECTLY visible, would have probably told DH that maybe we should just work out a friends with benefits arrangement...joking...maybe...actually not joking, would have totally done FWB and/or just dated some more.
No, i wouldnt have. Infact i
No, i wouldnt have. Infact i did have alarm bells early on and just couldnt end it! Love BF dearly, so i guess i have to try to accept the SS8.
On the bad days no. On the
On the bad days no. On the good days yes. I had alot of misconceptions and you never really know what you are getting into.
No, and I should have learnt
No, and I should have learnt from my marriage which also involved skids. Trouble is, once you realise, you have usually put so much into the relationship it is difficult to leave.
Most definitely! For the most
Most definitely! For the most part, I get along with the skids. They do have annoying habits/traits but at least we don't have them every single day. DH wants to take them with us on vacation next summer. I will have to have some escapes planned. So they can have male bonding time, of course...
Like dtzyblnd, I would have set some clear expectations from the beginning.
I have had a horrible
I have had a horrible situation...cheating DH with lots of issues to work through and a SD with RAD that was a danger to the rest of the family. I dealt with a horrible, depressing life for eight years, two years of that DH and I were desperately trying to salvage our marriage. Two years after the hell ended (SD moved out), we are happier than ever! I never could have imagined a life with DH so happy and rewarding.
If I had known all that I would go through in eight years...I never would have married DH...I would have been scared away. But these last two years and the glimpse of what our future will hold have been wonderful and are well worth the hell we went through to get here. Looking back, I wouldn't change a thing...it all worked out and made us stronger
Yes I would. The connection I
Yes I would. The connection I have with my DH is nothing like I've ever felt before and we are 13 years into our marriage. BM was a very very horrible issue in our lives but she has since been silenced.
I would have still married
I would have still married him but I would have established very clear boundaries in the beginning. I also wouldn't waste my time trying to be cordial with BM.