You are here

Just a vent...need to get it out!

hangingbyathread6's picture

So counseling Thursday didn't go so swell again. SS14 has apologized to DDs but has yet to apologize to my DH and I. Counselor says this really needs to be done...it's been going on two months now and the longer it goes on the harder it will be. Hanging really needs and deserves an apology, don't you agree Hanging? I looked at her and shrugged and said, "To be honest, at this point, I don't know how much it will really mean anymore. I don't understand why it's so hard to do the right thing when you know you did the wrong thing. I don't understand why we need to come here for you to tell DH that SS really needs to do this. I don't understand how it's supposed to mean anything to me when SS needs to be pushed into apologizing. I don't know that it will make any difference to how I feel about SS at this point. He hasn't apologized, and his only loss and consequence has been no phone...otherwise, he comes and goes as he pleases, gets to enjoy his friends, xbox, etc. So why should he apologize anyway?" DH gets upset with this because I'm not going to forgive SS for what he did. Well when it takes two months, and pushing by someone to do the right thing, sorry what is there to forgive? To me, SS doesn't give a shit that he tore our family apart. SS doesn't care what he did to me, my DDs or our marriage, so what impact has it had on him anyway? Sorry, but at this point an apology from SS certainly will not feel genuine and remorseful. DH gets angry and an argument occurs in front of the counselor. He keeps his attitude that makes me feel like I'm the one in the wrong for SS's actions and keeps pushing and I, although I hate to admit it, lost it. Just lost it. When DH says "nothing is going to be good enough, what the hell should we, or I do?" my response, in pure anger and frustration was, "maybe just get the F out of my life" It was wrong to say that. I lost control of my emotions. I went there and said something very hurtful out of anger and spite and I'm not proud of it. DH left and when we met up at home, he came to me and hugged me and said, "I'm sorry I left, I shouldn't have walked out. What you said really hurt me, but I should have stayed" I responded with, "I'm sorry I said that. I should not have lashed out, but this roller coaster is getting old, something has to be figured out, something has to be done." It was a tense night, I left and got my hair done and had a couple drinks with my mother, came home and it wasn't brought up again. Fast forward to Saturday....

Saturday, DH and I are playing in a golf tournament with another gentlemen. It's a members only tourney we like to play in each year, this year it happened to be on a Saturday we had the kids. No biggie...SS12 was going to a fishing derby with his BM. (Because she's MISSING out on her week with him because he is going to bible camp with my DD12...but whatever). SS14 is going to GRANDMA's house...you recall, she was calling to see what he wanted to eat while there and constantly calling DH and driving him crazy? DS7 and DD12 were going to the beach with friends and DD14 was going to chill out at home as she had been at a sleepover party Friday night and was quite exhausted. So we are golfing and having a good time, DH gets a text from BM "what time does SS12 need to be home?" DH responds "by 9:00 pm" We would be home by then, and figured SS was maybe wanting to cook up his catch for dinner with BM and BM's bf. At 8:00 pm DH receives a text message from BM "I'll drop SS12 off at your mother's since you won't be home" Irritating...but okay...

So here's the issue...how did BM know we wouldn't be home? SS12 didn't know when we were golfing, or how long it would take, so how did BM know we weren't at home, and what made her think we WOULDN'T be home by the time we said SS12 should be dropped off by? On top of the fact that SS12 is more than capable to be home alone if we weren't, but my DD14 was also home...so still shouldn't have been an issue. We pull up to MIL's house at 8:42 (yes exactly, I checked the clock because when we pulled up...whose car do you suppose was in the driveway parked there....that's right folks...BM!!) to pick up SS14. Since BM's car is in the drive, I consider not going in...I don't care to see MIL and I sure as hell do not want to see the psycho bitch BM, however my DH wasn't sure if DD14 was still there as she had decided to go there for a little while (at the suggestion of DH who desperately wants to try to push my bios into a relationship with his mother, even though my daughters are old enough to know and see that MIL isn't really interested in them and is just fake to them) so I got out of the truck and went into MIL's house with DH. BM is in there, sitting down, gets up, give SS14 an overly dramatic hug (they don't usually hug...it's weird to me because I am very affectionate with my kids, however she is not) and walks past me, and says "bye" to MIL and out the door she goes. MIL is caught off guard with the fact that we were there and she got caught with that bitch in her home...AGAIN. So we gather up SSs and head home. Home by 8:58. MIL calls DH within seconds of us being home...of course to discuss the BM bullshit. I am just sitting on our deck, enjoying a cold glass of ice water and a cigarette (yes I know...not good but please no sermons...it's my stress reliever) and DH comes out of the garage and sits beside me. "What's up dear?" says my DH. I just reply "I'm just irritated...it's fine." I say this because I really don't care to get into a discussion about his mother AGAIN. And the reason I'm irritated is because I hear from him all the time, "You hate my mother. You don't want anything to do with my mother. Etc Etc" DefAnd yes I don't...and here is a prime example of why. Dh wants me to discuss with him my irritation, so I calmly look at him and say, "How did BM know we weren't home? And why does your mother allow BM into her home after she called CPS and filed a report that you were abusing SS12, my son7 and myself? After we had to go through an investigation (no findings were made obviously...just psycho BM trying to cause trouble because SS12 had a bruise on his shoulder from wrestling with DH, SS14, DS7 and DD12), the implications that could have affected you being allowed to coach your sons, my daughter and my son, implications that could threaten my custody of my children...after everything BM has done to you and your boys, and then the abuse allegation, why does your mother allow her in her home, speak to her, and maintain a relationship with her? This is why I don't trust your mother, this is why I choose not to involve her in my life. Doesn't it bother you that your mother does this?" DH's response was "Yes, but what do I do?" I told him, "Maybe you need to have a conversation with your mother. Maybe you need to tell her straight to her face, calmly that it HURTS you, that it upsets you, and that yes, she needs to choose a side. You are her SON. I'm telling you that as long as she continues to play both sides of the fence (she does it simply for the drama because she THRIVES on it), I will never trust her, and I will not ever be able to maintain any kind of relationship with her other than polite and cordial. That's just where I stand on it".

Okay...vent over. Sorry I took up so much space!

AllySkoo's picture

I think you handled that perfectly, actually. Up to and including "losing control". Sometimes it takes a moment like that to shake someone out of their own mindset long enough to see your point of view. I hope that happened for your DH.

I really hope your DH and SS14 get their heads out of their butts soon. (I must admit I have more hope for your DH than SS!)

hangingbyathread6's picture

I swear that is EXACTLY the issue with my MIL and BM...they are both bat shit crazy!!! And thrive off the drama. I know it hurts my DH that his mother maintains a relationship with BM. BM walked out on DH and his sons when they were 4 & 2 for another man, who didn't want to deal with kids. They were married for 7 years and been divorced for 9 (It had been 6 years since the divorce when DH and I started to see each other romantically rather than as friends). BM has put my DH through a lot, and when we started dating went full fledged psycho. She actually said "I just thought you'd always be there for when/if I wanted to come back" (and she used DH and guilt for the kids to get him to help her out of a few jams before I came into the picture). Her most recent was the abuse allegation, which I find despicable. DH is PC and she does anything to cause issues...and most of the time MIL is somehow involved in it...

hangingbyathread6's picture

Thanks for the support!

Yes, at this point I am pretty much at the end of my rope. It makes me sad and feel slightly guilty that it has come to this point, as I truly did love my ssons like my own, however as they wreak more and more havoc and BM and MIL continue the interfering, and DH trying to find a way to excuse what happens rather than just admit they are becoming little bastards and need some harsh parenting to get their acts together (more OSS but the YSS is starting now too) I can't help but find them annoying and have a dislike for them. I dread when they come home, and can't wait for them to go again. Summer isn't as bad as we do every other week since they don't have school, however summer vaca is fast approaching its end and then it will be back to every day but Wed. and every other weekend that they will be gone. I'm kind of hoping they start saying they want to live with BM...because I'm at the point that I would GLADLY pay her child support and not have to deal with them every.single.day.

blayze's picture

Ugh. I feel for you, hanging! Sounds like my SO's sickening relationship with Saint Mama, the BM enabler. Why have these men got no balls when it comes to MIL? I've been putting my mother in her place since my early 20's. What is wrong with these girly men? Demand respect from the old hag, fellas!

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

I put my father in law in his place when he needed it.

He told my hubby ~ what is Easy to go for tap water ( because we got a water cooler in our home) told my hubby I was materialistic ~ paaaallleeese so far from the truth.

Told my FIL ~ he could kiss my ass !!! Called him a douchebag !!!
My thought is ~ I matter plz don't try to dismiss me I have a brain n I have opinions. I am not stupid. You don't like me that's fine but don't be a true asshole !!

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

I have a ?

Was son requires or requested to apologize to you n DH ??? Or was he to do it on his own ???

The over 2 month awaiting apologize mean nothing more than the dog shit in someone's shoes.

That is simply pathetic ~ requiring our children to note that they were wrong n to humble themselves with a righteous apology is exactly what we as parents are to teach our children.

Hanging I am so sorry that you are not getting what you so heartedly need a heart felt humble apology. Douchebags !!! I want to shake I our husband n tell him. You are f'ing up big time ~ get your head out of your ass. It's not about anything more that simple respect on every level. With SS, MIL n BM !!!! He is supposed to cut people at their knees if they disrespect you n are part of his family.

I want to drive to you n kick some butt !!!!

You have nothing to apologize for ~ you showing him how you respect yourself.

hangingbyathread6's picture

SS was told he needed to apologize to DDs, DH and I. It was discussed with him by DH and the counselor he sees weekly...still hasn't happened. I'm ready to pack his bags....done with him...and I'd say the same thing if it was my bio that pulled that shit.

Easylikesundaymornin's picture

Hanging ~ pack his bags n tell him he can come home when he figures it all out.

F ' him ! That little douchebag learned nothing !

Tell him you can't come home until to can see where you are coming from. The kid owes you more than an a apology at this point. !

I'll come wherever you live n I will help you pack all his shit !!!

hangingbyathread6's picture

Oh easy...that would be great! If only it were that easy! lol

I'm struggling with the SS thing. DH will at time straight out say, "are you not going to hug and say goodbye/goodnight to hanging?" Irritates the fuck out of me!! Don't tell the kid too...if he's not going to, he's not going to. Other times it's less blatant. Either way...if SS14 wants to walk out like I don't exist...LET HIM...I no longer really give a flying fuck. I'm starting to think the only reason DH does this is so he can say, "but SS14 says goodnight/goodbye and hugs you. SS14 this, SS14 that" Yeah...BECAUSE YOU PUSHED HIM TO IT!!! And that's sort of where we are with this damn apology. And the counselor isn't really helping when she tells DH, "DH you really need to stress and promote this apology". UGH!!!

Just a few minutes ago, while I was in the midst of reading the posts, there was a knock on my door. I answer. It's SS14. "Hi hanging, ummm uhhhh I was wondering if I can get my xbox controller and take it to friend's house because we are playing over there?" SS14 is with his BM this week. Not us. I say "If your dad says it's fine then it's fine. I will call him, he hasn't started work yet." Dh says he can just make sure it comes home. SS14 goes into kid cave and gets controller, comes up and in front of his friend, before he leaves walks over, gives me a hug and says, "See you on Sunday. (the day we get him back...sigh) Or maybe tomorrow?" and walks out.

FRUSTRATING!!! And makes it hard to disengage when he does this type of behavior. How do I intentionally just rebuff him when he walks up and hugs me. Push him away? Say "don't touch me" And if I do, then I of course look like an evil, evil person for acting that way.

Sometimes, I really don't like my life much. Sometimes, I'd really just like to run away. Sometimes, there's just not enough wine....