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Disengaging and Feeling Guilty?

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I tried to post this 3x last Thursday and it didn't work. I tried it on 3 different systems, thinking it was a firewall problem. Sounds like Calypso had the same trouble. So, I'm going to keep commenting here and continuing my story in multiple posts. Maybe it will work that way.

From Thursday, 7/17/14......

I came home from work yesterday and DH and the Skids(SD19 and SDstb13) had just arrived back from vacation a few hours earlier. DH starts dinner. I had spent the previous few days cleaning up pee from my SDog who has started to mark in our house. SD19 has her bday this week and has plans to go to a music festival this Tuesday, she wants a friend (thought she didn't have any?) to spend the night on a weeknight. I'm thinking this will be after the long day at the festival, but NO, it's the night before the event??? "So she won't have to drive as far getting there." Whut? She can drive here, then SD19 drives the rest of the way. Problem solved? I dunno....

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

(continued)

I was going to remain quiet and let it go but decided to speak up.The entire family was in the kitchen and I said to DH, "It would've been nice if you had asked me first." Oh SD19s head shot up! Body language was full-on but she didn't dare look at me. DH smiles and says that it's no big deal and tries to happily move on to the next subject, as he sees SD19 ready to implode. I ask, "WHY did you agree to this when you're going to be out of town that night? And it's a work night. That's not fair to ME." Everyone is talking over everyone now but I don't let it go. SD19 gets snippy and says, "Fine, I'll just tell her she can't stay, " and starts furiously texting on her phone. DH looks at me and says he didn't think I WOULD MIND. Really? I looked at him, standing my ground, and said, "RIIIIIGHT." SD19 then asks me in her snotty, disrespectful tone that comes out whenever she doesn't get what she wants, "How many times have I had someone stay over here?" I looked directly at her and said, "ZERO. And besides, it's common courtesy for your father to let me know when he has invited another teenager to stay here, esp when he is going to be out of town!" SD19 started sniveling and is in tears so I go upstairs for a bit.

(but wait there's more)

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

(continued,....hey this is working....)

I come back down for dinner and you could cut the tension with a knife. Dead silence at the dinner table. I had walked back in on SD19 crying to her father and I felt a little guilty, but not much. She does nothing to contribute to the household when she's home from college, so in my book she hasn't earned any privileges other than roof, food and water. I almost spoke up at dinner, but decided to save it for later when I had DH alone. Later I approached him, which I don't usually do. I asked how he thought it was fair to say "ok" to a sleepover of convenience (??) for some kid I don't know, while he is out of town? I then asked, "Doesn't SD19 have to work the night before the festival until late? Oh and WHEN is she taking that exam for her summer course?" DH has no idea about anything. The class started a few weeks ago and you need to take the first exam btwn 7/14 and 7/21. Did SD19 study at the beach last week? Doubt it. Weds night when they got home? Maybe. She worked all day Thursday last week and wanted to go take the exam Friday but the testing center was closed. Bwahahahahaha! She waits until the last minute on everything and gets burned every time. So, Monday 7/21 is the last chance to take the exam and she has been out with her BF all weekend AND she got scheduled to work Monday morning. She will be taking the exam at the last possible minute.

DH then stated that SD19 and I would never get along, and even if he WAS in town, I wouldn't want some kid staying over. I agreed. I stated that SD19 does nothing but empty the dishwasher of her crusty utensils (damn coffee spoon got me this morning....), a mere 1x a week. She speaks to me disrespectfully when she doesn't get her way, and YES he's correct that I wouldn't want someone staying here on a weeknight even if he was home. SD19 prob won't get in until 2am, car doors will be slamming out front, and even if I sleep through it, the dogs will hear it all and get restless. My alarm goes off at 4:30am for work each day. I asked DH when he was going to teach SD19 anything so that she could be a productive member of society? I told him I was tired of her being lazy and disrespectful in this house, and when she started helping out more, cleaned up after herself, and started being nicer to me, more good things would come her way.

It was tough to have that talk with DH. Scared me some.

(but wait, there's more....)

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

(continued....)

When I started the talk with DH, I was actually under the impression that this friend was still going to be staying over, but DH got all sarcastic with me and said that SD19 REALLY cancelled the plans. Yay! But I feel guilty...????

DH and I went to bed before the skids did.....On to the next skid, SDstb13...I wonder what SDstb13 thought of the old Chef Boyardee container I found in the bsmt and put in her loft bed? I told her during dinner that she wasn't allowed to eat in the basement anymore because she couldn't clean up after herself. I asked DH if he had opened the small closet door down there on Weds to look at her pile of mess and toys in there. He said he hadn't. SDstb13 happily chimes in that she will clean everything up. I informed her that I had already pulled out the paper plates, cracker boxes, used table napkins and paper towels...that I could SEE....from within that pile of toys. I told her that she had until Saturday morning to get everything off of the floor and put away, otherwise it would be thrown out. She looked at me in shock because I had never used that line on her before. I needed to follow through with it. On Thursday night last week, I still had her jacket that she ordered online at work with me. I actually forgot to bring it home Friday, lol. SDstb13 had everything off of the floor down there, but I'm glad I forgot the jacket. Friday night when I got home her long hair was all greasy and we were having SD19s BF over for dinner. I asked SDstb13 when her last shower was, and she replied with the usual, "ummmmmm...." I said that it was Tuesday night at the beach. So, she went and showered on Friday night before the BF arrived. She is brushing her teeth 1x/day with me reminding DH to remind her.....

I'm feeling guilty that SD19 can't have a friend over on a weeknight and that I left Chef Boyardee in the loft bed. I think I'm doing the right thing. The entire family doesn't know what the hell has hit them. I have been disengaged since 7/7/14. I'm still doing too much. While DH is out of town, I'm going to work on NOT reminding the skids what needs to be done. Let SDstb13's mouth stink like crap from not brushing. She is grossing me out more and more every day, and she is just getting stranger and weirder. I left the room promptly this morning when she came down for breakfast. I had said "Good morning" and she just looked at me with a weird grin on her face like she didn't know where she was. Whut? And I don't like her table manners. I have tried and tried, but no more. I just left the room. Creeps me out now. And I'm not changing the SDog's diaper, either.

OK, I'm done with my post, and it worked!

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Hi Cat and TGIHB~

By the time SD19 is done with this course, it will be a mere 2-1/2 weeks until she moves back into the dorms. Yaaaaay!!! I am counting the days. Only 37 to go!!!

I have fibromyalgia as well as a messed-up shoulder, so I am a very light sleeper. It's tough to get a good night's rest around here.

I understand that DH doesn't want to hurt SD19s feelings but too bad. He tries to avoid telling her no because she is a holy terror for about 5 minutes, and then when she sees she can't win, she whimpers, cries, throws a tantrum and wants to go hide in her room. It's quite a sight to see! Tries to be all big and adult-like, like she's in charge. I should just remember to ask her the next time she gets pissed at me, "HOW much do you pay to stay here, with a roof over your head and groceries in the kitchen? How much?"

Fortunately, college is covered via a fund that was set up for the skids at birth. Summer courses and dorm fees also come out of money that BM left to kids when she died. Otherwise, I would be in a worse hell than I already am.

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

BM died over a year ago.......LMAO there is no step-grandbaby. I would move the hell out! The diapers are on the frikking DOG! This dog came as a bonus when the Skids moved in with us FT. The damn dog is male and has started marking after being with the other dogs for 1-1/2 years. LOL So he has been put in belly bands complete with maxi pads installed. I will do nothing with those bands, and I told DH I'm not wiping up pee anymore. Anything that comes out of the SDog will be up to the skids. I will take care of the other 4 dogs who are much better behaved.

Still giggling,

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Thank you for the link, Orange. I read it the weekend of the 4th when you shared it. It really helped and I promptly needed some guidance on 7/7 when YSD turned Linda Blair/Exorcist on me about faking a shower. DH is gone until late Tuesday, so I will do NOTHING, except feed the dogs. I'm sure diaper SDog will get a pee rash, but the rest of us will be fine lol.

I will not make meals or do anything. I will get my ass out of this house at 545am tomorrow and go to work.

All of the dogs have been fixed but SDog is the oldest, almost 10 years old. He is very needy and just stupid. He is a small breed. I have put my foot up his ass numerous time after finding pee in my house. He is locked and loaded now in "Doggie Depends!"

~ Moon

Rags's picture

I applaud you for managing the Skid behavioral crap and not letting DH keep his head in the sand. Many BioParents are like a toxic real life version of the emperors new clothes where they sit on their laurels with a grin on their face deluding about their incredible children when they are all butt assed naked regarding acceptable behavior and character.

Those who are a step or two removed see the true picture.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

I didn't make lunch for anyone, I didn't make dinner for anyone. When Sdog had to go out, I took his diaper off so he wouldn't pee in it, but it was already full. I called upstairs to the skids, "19,13, SDog needs his diaper changed." Of course Princess 19 didn't leave her room, but SD13 came down. She rolled up the dirty pee rag under my instruction and got a new one ready for SDog to wear. I'm sure SD19 is cramming for her exam. I even had a dog emergency tonight where I rushed into the kitchen to get a few things, and both kids were at the table. I rushed out, not saying a word. We have passed like ships in the night. They haven't done their laundry, haven't vacuumed, SD13 hasn't showered and probably hasn't brushed her teeth. I am in my "apartment" with 5 dogs and I am unavailable.

I'm doing pretty good, minding my own business! Time for a good night's sleep, I hope! Smile

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

"Happily sitting at work" Ahhhhhhh........Thanks for all of the support! I bet the skids will expect dinner tonight because its a weeknight. There is plenty of food. Looks like SD19 is trying to mooch my favorite granola bars. I took the remaining box and a half and brought them to work with me today. }:) }:) }:)

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Well SD19 is at her festival thing today. I hope she doesn't come home until late. DH should be back from being out of town around midnight.

I came home from work and SDstb13 had fed the dogs! Well low and behold! She hasn't done that for awhile! She also got the mail and then informed me that she didn't have to shower tonight. What? She hasn't showered since Friday! She told me that she had showered this afternoon around 3pm. I couldn't tell bec she had her back in a messy ponytail. I looked at her and asked her if she noticed I wasn't reminding her anymore. She looked embarrassed, as she should. We'll see when the next shower happens.

SDstb13 is changing SDog's diaper on a regular basis, so at least there's no pee on my floor. He was being a PITA this morning, he wouldn't eat. I finally said screw it and left his food down for whoever would find it first. He keeps trying to slink away from me and acts like a moron. Tonight when I was leaving the kitchen, he starts yapping like there's someone at the front door. My four big dogs aren't as annoying as his one small self with that piercing bark. I wanted to swing him by his tail over my head and see how far I could launch him off of the back deck. Instead, I told him to sit and shut up.

SDstb13 was standing in the middle of the kitchen doing nothing and she was in my way. She saw me looking at her and moved. I asked her what she was doing, said it looked like she was waiting for the bus. She said she was looking for a bottle of water. OK, don't move too fast while you look there, poncho. After about a minute she went out into the garage to get bottled water and I suggested she bring a few in. Gosh, she had trouble finding water. LOL Her brain is mush over the summer. When school starts she will be screwed because I am disengaging from helping her with schoolwork. She won't do well unless she really tries, and that will be on her. Say goodbye to A's on your report card.

Enjoying a quiet evening in my room with my pups! Ahhhhhh......

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Crap. SD19 came home at 8:30pm. I asked her why she came downstairs in just a towel? She shrugged and gave me a "Meh," and said she had a gift for SDstb13. She was in a good mood so I just came back upstairs with the pups.

I just cringe when she's here. She annoys the f*ck outta me. DH's flight is late, too. After midnight before he gets home....

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Just found out that DH is going to be away on business for a week in August. Crap.

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

They are 19 and almost 13. SDstb13 will actually be at camp part of the time that DH is away. Hopefully SD19 will be out of my way somehow, too, working or whatever.

Only 33 days until school starts!

~ Moon

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Last night at dinner DH was teasing SD19, all in good fun, and then he put his hand up for a "high five" with me. SD19 was to my left and DH was to my right, so I gave him the "high five" and we both said "Duuuude!" at the same time.

I didn't even look at SD19 to my left. I couldn't even see her. I knew she had some kind of look on her face and was waiting for a reaction from DH, but we both just IGNORED her right there at the table.

She is just so.........Duh-uuhhhhh! Blum 3

~ Moon