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Is it time to get a divorce?

stepdadof2infl's picture

Hello. I am new here. I have been reading post here for the last 3 days. I am a step father of 2 sons and a bio father of 2 girls (10 yr old twins). I have been married for 10 years. Our marriage has been in a steady decline for at least 3 years now. But the last year has been intollerable. The stepsons are 17 and 13. They are both from my wifes previous marriage. The bio father is a real loser. Constantly in jail for multiple issues and had no contact with the boys for the first 9 years of our marriage but came back into the picture about a year ago. The 17 year old has something wrong with him. If I had to guess I would say he is a sociopath with no feelings of guilt or remorse. The older stepson has always had a problem with lying since I came into his life. He has a developed passion for stealing things like my credit cards, clothes, personal posessions and even my car in the last few years. He is currently on probation for taking the car as my wife finally agreed to press charges with me. He is also a chronic liar and has failed 2 years in school. He has been diagnosed with ADHD and Tourettes. His mom has been very lenient in allowing him to continue this behavior. I have been in these two boys life longer than their dad has but get zero respect from either of them. I will admit I have grown to hate this child. That is a strong word but it is the truth. My wife doesn't require the 17 year old to respect me and allows him to argue, curse and show contempt for me all the time. I react to this by blowing up and escalating things. I cannot get the idea out of my head that it is not acceptable for a child to challenge my authority. I also feel like my wife has enabled this child to do all of this by not standing firm against what I perceive as a threat to our marriage. We have gone to counseling several times. My wife always tells me that I am not doing what the counseler asks and that is the reason for this childs behavior. About 3 months ago my wife informed me that she is not sure she wants to stay married to me. She said we are incompatible and that I have anger issues. She criticizes me about trivial things, even my appearance and weight. I have tried like heck to ignore the stepsons outragious behavior but I have gotten into it with him several times. I have read the article here on disingaging. I really feel like this 17 year old child has been given the power to destroy my life, marriage, family and financial well being. But the pain of staying in this toxic environment is now worse than the fear of getting a divorce. Life is supposed to be enjoyed not endured. I have built up resentments at my wife that she has allowed our marriage to be attacked by this child. I am ready to accept that this is not going to work. I am tired of trying, fighting and being frustrated. I think we both deserve to be happy even if that means being apart. The issue that has pushed me over the edge is the fact that this boy has disobeyed us about leaving the home each of the last 2 Friday evenings. It is part of his probation that he abide by reasonable request by his parents. The first time he came back 3 hours later. Last Friday he asked if he could go to a party. I told him he couldn't because of what happened the prior Friday. He asked me if he could go outside and speak with his friends. I told him if he left I would contact the probation officer and seek to have him violated. He gets in the car with the friends and leaves and doesn't come back until 10 pm the next night. His mom is still refusing to contact his probation officer about these two issues. Am I crazy to think this type of behavior is unreasonable? Do I need to accept the fact that my wife isn't going to deal with this and move on? I really would appreciate any feed back. I am ready to get divorced, have the home go back on foreclosure and go through bankruptcy.

Amazed's picture

I hate to tell you to just leave but maybe a trial separation is in order? It's not a great idea to let the home go into foreclosure though...you'll be paying for that mistake for a very long time. Your wife sounds like she needs to get a grip on reality when dealing with these "kids" of hers. Sorry but I have a son too and if my son did even ONE of these things you've listed his ass would have been shipped off to some sort of disciplinary school program.

Now...obviously there are two sides to every story and you've already admitted you're not an angel so that's a good start. As you stated, your wife is doing nothing to improve the situation and has even expressed doubt about continuing the marriage. Other than counseling, what are you doing to improve yourself and your reactions to these issues? It's hard to fix the things you're doing wrong when your partner isn't fixing the things she's doing wrong so I know self improvement is going to be REALLY tough.

i'm wondering why she's so passive in regard to dealing with her own children. I would think she'd want to get them under control so they can lead productive,healthy lives.

In regard to the stealing, I'm sorry but there is NO WAY I'd wait for my spouse to agree on pressing charges...I would have just taken myself and done it. AND about calling the probation officer, I would have done that myself too. It's obvious this woman is delusional about the behaviors of her kids and if she won't fix it then you have no choice but to be the iron fist of the family. If she doesn't like it, she can take her juvenile delinquents and get the hell out, find another man to put up with that abuse from her "babies".

I'm sorry if i'm rude, I'm just looking at how I would act and feel if my son was treating my husband this way and it boils my blood to even consider being passive about that behavior.

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." ~Judy Garland

lonelyone's picture

I agree with Barbie, sir . . . I was disrespected by my step daughters for 28 yrs . . . then they finally disowned their bio-dad (my DH) and were adopted by their stepdad so they didn't have to deal with their own father any more. Granted, he is a career exec and wasn't there a lot, but he wasn't that bad . . . but now in mid-life crisis, he only sees me to blame! I wish I could afford a divorce! He threatens every day and I just wish he would already. I am moving forward with my own life . . . don't be a doormat for years like me and live to regret it!!! My heart goes out to you!

ChaiLatte's picture

Welcome to the site. That's quite a mess you have there. What I'm noticing even more than the children's behavioral problems is your wife's state of total denial. That is the bigger problem. That is the reason why they behave with total disrespect for you and the law. He violated his parole and you should have called his parole officer. Of course, you would have to deal with the aftermath of a shrieking mother defending her child to the end. You really are in a lose/lose situation. I would never tell someone they should get divorced over reading one post but this definitely doesn't sound like a situation you should continue in if things remain this way. If a man criticized a woman's appearance and weight it would be considered emotional abuse. Is there any reason why you would want to remain in this marriage?

"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."

stepdadof2infl's picture

Is there any reason why you would want to remain in this marriage?

That is the question I have been asking myself for the last 2 months. 1) I made a commitment for better or worse. 2) I have two daughters that would be exposed to a divorce and all the difficulty that goes with that. 3) I am naive enough to believe that things would improve drastically if we could unite on what needs to be done to protect our marriage and find a way to help this kid. 4) I'd be allowing a 17 year old kid get away with manipulating my marriage.

But to be truthful, when I read what I typed out in the initial post, I was taken back and asked myself that same question. I have been told that the definition for insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. But that is exactly what I'm doing. I just really wanted to make sure I have done everything I could do before I let this go. I posted this issue here hoping to get other peoples view of the situation.

lonelyone's picture

I hear you Stepdad . . . I too, made a commitment and this is my second time around. I remember when we married we promised each other we would never do divorce again. Now here he is, threatening me because of his guilty, cowardice past with his own daughters. They are 31 and 38 now with kids of their own and they have moved on . . . if he can't get out of his mid-life funk, I'll be moving on, too, or I'll just die of misery! Best of luck to you ... it's tough.