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Dealing with being ignored

Iris's picture

Submitted by Iris on Sat, 07/12/2014 - 12:35am

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Teenage Stepchildren

Need advice on how to handle being ignored by my SS15.
Quick background: I've known him his entire life, we've had custody since he was 8, bm poisons him against us.
Currently: avoids eye contact, leaves a room when I enter, doesn't respond when I talk unless he has to, goes to his room as soon as his dad goes to bed, addresses his dad when speaking "hey dad..." and then tells a story when I am right next to his dad.

I've tried being normal, tried being overly nice, tried ignoring him... I guess I'm stuck and have to wait this one out?
I will add this positive note; when we have him two weeks solid (once a month only during the school year)he does come around! Maybe it's just the transition from coming from his mom's and all her brainwashing. I would just think by now it would be easier on him?

Iris's picture

Submitted by Iris on Sat, 07/12/2014 - 1:15am

Thank you for your response. I feel like a child caught up in petty games with an actual child! It's so very frustrating! We went to counseling once and that actually helped break down that wall...for about a week.

Iris's picture

Submitted by Iris on Sat, 07/12/2014 - 1:47am

ugh okay..I've been going to the pick ups/drop offs and I see now what I've been doing when I wash his bedding and sweep his room OMG he's playing me! Thank you thank you!
lol @ giving you the stink eye! I don't even get an eyeball period! haha! What a relief to joke about this right now when I've been so upset for literally a couple years!

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sat, 07/12/2014 - 4:20am

The only way to deal with snarky SKid crap is to make his life a living hell until he fixes his bullshit behavior.

So, get to work... and have fun.

Iris's picture

Submitted by Iris on Sat, 07/12/2014 - 11:56am

While that does sound enticing, I don't want to purposely do anything to be a guilty party. }:) My DH has accused me of doing that and I possibly was and just not consciously doing it.

Iris's picture

Submitted by Iris on Sat, 07/12/2014 - 12:07pm

Thanks to you all here, I'm not going to put up with it anymore! I'm writing my disengagement "speech" now! He did hug me bye when he left with his dad to go miniature golfing. I'm carefully choosing my words because I know in my situation his BM tells him how to treat me, my DH is allowing it...but there's a good kid in there.

Orange County Ca's picture

Submitted by Orange County Ca on Sat, 07/12/2014 - 4:28am

Completely follow the program of disengagement I've linked below. If he speaks to you respectfully then respond but otherwise let him and Dad interact and let Dad care for him.

Once he realizes that you can do just fine without him he may reach out to you. Be prepared to respond positively but only as far as he leads it. If he falls back then you fall back also. Conversely his loyalty to his mother may override any concerns for you but don't take it personally.

Give Dad a copy of the article I'm linking and tell him you'll be supporting him emotionally but its time that he and his boy become as close as possible without involving the push and pull of an active step-mother so you're stepping aside. No hard feelings just staying out of the way.

http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html

BarkAtTheMoon's picture

Submitted by BarkAtTheMoon on Sat, 07/12/2014 - 7:30am

I have started doing that too. I tell DH what needs to be cleaned and straightened. It's all from SDstb19. He'll get tired of cleaning for her soon. Everything is clean in the house and in a matter of an hour everything she touches turns to crap. I found Hershey's syrup on the fridge handle last night and said, "What is this? WHAT is this?" to DH right in front of SDstb19 who was curled up on the couch. He said he didn't know what it was and I said it wasn't there at dinner and "I" didn't put it there. SDstb19 was humiliated a little bit, she had just gotten home from work and made the mess. Next time I see messes with her precious ice cream and choc syrup, I am taking what's left in the fridge/freezer and throwing it out.

DISENGAGE. Orange Co gave me that advice and it works. Only 45 more days until school starts. Oh and my two SDs live with me FT because their BM died. God help me.

Ottenbreit2's picture

Submitted by Ottenbreit2 on Sat, 07/12/2014 - 9:32am

My ss16 does the same thing. When I walk in the door he leaves the room. I figured id treat him the same way he treats me. I ignore him. Seems to work for me. He has started to come around a lot more recently. Good luck and hope things get better.

Iris's picture

Submitted by Iris on Sat, 07/12/2014 - 10:55am

I just caught up reading the comments and appreciate all the feedback! I showed my DH this thread and the link about disengagement after I told him I planned to disengage. DH still thinks a lot of this my fault (my nagging, pointing out flaws with his son). I am writing what I am going to say to the both of them when they get back from miniature golf. This will probably go on for the next 3 years if my DH doesn't see where the problem is coming from. But at least our marriage will survive because I am taking myself out of the parenting role.

Iris's picture

Submitted by Iris on Sat, 07/12/2014 - 11:08am

I understand. My husband is a step parent to my daughter. During these teenage years she tried to "work" me but I caught onto it and reversed what she was trying to do on my own. DH and SD now have a great relationship. I have come to accept that I cannot fix this problem, it's up to DH.
SS is especially challenging because no matter what we taken from him as punishment, he doesn't allow anything to bother him...and he only has to wait 5 days during the school year and 2 days during summer to go back to BM and have his complete freedom/no rules lifestyle.

Iris's picture

Submitted by Iris on Sat, 07/12/2014 - 12:10pm

And I've let him stare at those blank walls and told him he's making himself miserable, I'm not doing it! It's his own fault! I'm not worried about his mom, I'm so used to her BS ..she actually loves to hear there is conflict here.
When my husband has called him out on his attitude, my SS just withdraws more. So now my husband avoids calling him out on it so his son stays present (with him at least)

Iris's picture

Submitted by Iris on Sat, 07/12/2014 - 12:03pm

Maybe because #1 I've known my SS since he was born. Visitation started at 6 mos. My husband traveled for work and I had sole parenting responsibilities while he was away. Most importantly, if skids are ignoring then they are manipulating and they need to be taught that is selfish and controlling and not acceptable! With respect, I don't understand how to be joyful that another human being that I love is ignoring me

Iris's picture

Submitted by Iris on Sat, 07/12/2014 - 12:39pm

I would agree if he was ignoring both of us but he's only ignoring me. He's buddy buddy with his dad and especially his BM. Yes, I did ignore my parents and my siblings lol My daughter didn't ever ignore me (she's 21 now)

Iris's picture

Submitted by Iris on Sat, 07/12/2014 - 12:30pm

I have felt joy when being ignored, I understand! I felt it was a needed break! This has been going on for so long it doesn't feel healthy for HIM to act this way this long.
I'm really getting confused as to how I want to handle this! I've ignored, I've been mean, I've pretended to be happy, I've nagged and nagged at my DH.. I spoke to my daughter and she reminded me I have disengaged before and it didn't work. OMG I will just move out until he's gone!

Iris's picture

Submitted by Iris on Sat, 07/12/2014 - 12:42pm

Thank you.
I'm definitely not afraid of tough love. Like they say "if the kids don't hate you then you aren't parenting right"