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Twit Came Home, the Booze is Gone and She Had a Blow Up Tempertantrum at Me but I'm Okay!

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

but I'm okay.

She showed up, unannounced for her booze this morning and ripped into me about the dogs and how terrible I was for not allowing DH to take care of them. I inquired if they were alright (which you guys know we checked on) and she said they were....no thanks to me.

Now DH was not home at the time she showed up, it was just me.

She wanted her wine and booze - again she didn't know what was wrong with me for not putting it in the refrigerator for them. I open the garage door and told her to get it. I certainly wasn't going to lift and carry for her.

With God's grace I was able to hold my tongue and keep my own temper in check though I know at times she saw she had hit her mark about things.

When she left, I went to my computer and composed this to her and sent it:

Dear Twit:

I forgive you all your insults and abuse. I don't hate you, but I do PITY you.
In my own best interest I request that you never trespass on my property again and I want nothing to do with you, your dogs, your booze, and your drunkie (of course I didn't call him drunkie) ever gain.

As your father has told me - I tried, but things just haven't worked out with you.

Sincerely, SDMC

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I have no doubt that when she reads this she will go off the deep end, which we all know is not too far for her.

I wasn't going to start an argument with her while she was at my house because she scares me....crazy does. But I also do not want her to think I accept her abuse and nonsense.

I believe my note to her was very nice and very professional and clear to the point. Even if she sends it to DH or calls him up in a tizzy, there is nothing wrong in what I say. Do note, I made no accusations of her, her mental state, etc. I just said what I felt. I was a tad mean in telling her what DH has told me on several occasions, but it is true.

Right now I feel good and at peace with what just happened. If DH doesn't like it....the hell with him too.

You can bet with Twit's narcisstic/bp personality, that is going to set her off like a rocket. She will see it as rejection, rejection by her father - eventhough it is not, it was just a plain and simple fact - I tried and it hasn't worked out. But that is not my problem. Just as she feels she has the right to sound off at me for whatever, I have the right, and personal responsibility to myself, to set boundaries.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Oh, you can bet I have a copy - Printed it out for myself in color and large font and have it on my bulletin board so I never forget what I said.

the more I read it the better I feel. Far better than in trying to reason with crazy, or even defend oneself from crazy, and even better than just ignoring the nastiness from her, at least in my opinion.

In fact, I am actually proud of myself that I did it without giving her anything to go back at me with, at least I think so. But I bet the farm DH is going to be hearing about this real soon.

Oh well, he wasn't here with crazy came.

Willow2010's picture

You get to DH before she does. Tell him that she was verbally abusive and you are scared of her and you sent her a letter to make sure she knows she is not allowed at your house any longer. He is an idiot if he gives you grief about this.

But he may be mad that you did not give him a heads up.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Oh, I will get to him first. His phone is here at the house so Twit can't reach him. She doesn't know where he went...I didn't tell her.

I don't believe DH will give me grief as I did say I forgave her. How could he be angry about that? Nothing wrong with saying I pity her either. And the rest is just saying that in my own best interest I don't want her coming around. And my DH has told me on many occasions that he knows I have tried with and it just didn't work out. I might be wrong, but I see nothing for him to get upset about with that.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

DH went out to get a hair cut from the old barber in town....you don't make apts., you just wait, so he will be back shortly.

I have a copy for him as well. Heck, how can he get upset with me? I forgive her insults and abuse. [Believe me, I know exactly what I was doing here in my wording].

I suppose I shouldn't feel happy that she is going to explode, but she has upset me enough. Turnabout on this is fairplay and, by forgiving her I have let her meanness go. Told her she doesn't bother me.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

you are right. If I had started about what a terrible person she was, well, that would be grounds for my DH to come down on me. But I forgave her, what can he say to that. Same with the limits on my property etc. She has put us through hell this past week with all those calls about her dogs and the running back and forth we did, not for her, but for the animals. It was obvious that except for being let out in a timely fashion, they were being cared for so what the heck was going on?

I think there is nothing in here that Twit can cry to Daddy about me being mean.

Amber Miller's picture

Wow! It's going to be interesting to see what happens next. You should write a book about what you've been through. I would call it "The Trials and Tribulations of the Twit Adventures"
Good for you for not losing your cool. I think you handled it perfectly. I cannot wrap my head around the idea that her dogs are your problem. This woman is nuts. I kind of hope that she does come back on your property and causes trouble because then you can call the police. They already have it on record that there was a welfare check on her so its good that there is documentation that she has problems. Stay safe and watch your back. I suspect this is going to get worse before it gets better.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Hi Amber - And it is exactly that that scares me. DH and I have worked very hard in dealing with her, but the hits just keep on coming.

And Amber - you know perfectly well that my note to her is going to set her off like a rocket seeing as she is narcissistic and b/p. I have been reading up on those diseases and it takes very, very little to make them feel threatened, unloved, etc. If rejection hurts a normal person a bit then it kills a narcissist! The very fact that I mentioned her father telling me that I had tried and it wasn't working out will just kill her with insecurity and anger. How DARE daddy say that! Can just see her frothing at the mouth and crying right now. Probably shouldn't have done that, but I have had enough and she has put me through the ringer. If she wants to play games, I can play them too.

I am understanding that she is a very, very isolated, lonely and insecure person. No wonder her husband works 12-14 hours a day. To stay away from her, no doubt. She was complaining to DH, when she first wanted him to watch the dogs, that her hubby is working 12-14 hours a day (he is salaried) and she doesn't understand a company that would require him to work such long hours. Hmmm, can you say staying away from crazy or having a honey on the side, which I hope he does.

Trust me, she will be looking for Daddy before the day is done and he is going to get an earful of crying about how terrible SDM is.

Amber Miller's picture

I'm so happy for you that you have studied up on narcissism and borderline personality disorder. I think another poster mentioned bipolar people but that narcissists can't be treated with meds. I have bipolar people in my family and they have friends and good jobs, take care of their children and are very successful. Being bipolar is a spectrum disorder. You can be really sick or just have a touch of it. The Borderlines are the ones that have more trouble. Bipolar can be successfully treated with medicine and therapy. Borderline narcissists don't respond as they don't see themselves as the problem.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Hi there Amber - It was you and a few others that pointed this out to me. I think we all have a tad of narcissism in us, it is just being human or we would all be walking around with inferiority complexes. The problem is when it become more than a tad.

I had and did laugh when she, not getting her way with DH fell back on the poor me, I didn't get my meds in time to take on vacation (yeah, then why the flare up before she even went?), I haven't been feeling well, headaches, migranes, and stress were all her excuses. I laughed out loud, and I know she heard me, because DH and I have heard that before when she goes off on a tangent and doesn't get her way, or is trying to get back in DH's good graces.

Say, I might be wrong here, but isn't having a hot of headaches also a sign of some psycho symptom?

One thing I tell you Twit will never do....never, ever get close to counseling or psychologist After all, there is nothing wrong with her, she just gets her family doctor to give her more or different meds.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Hi Cat - I was just the only one here and far easier to blame than dear old dad. She KNOWS dad didn't run and jump at her bidding because he only texted her that she had better come home and never answered any of her other calls to him. Far easier to blame it on the wicked step mother than anything else, though I had nothing at all to do with her upbringing. I don't know how controlled I was as I know she saw that she got to me several times, just by the look on my face or that I started to say something and stopped myself. I saw the gleam then as she got nastier and nastier.

She always says how nasty her BM is but I can see she is the one that is nasty. The only times I have dealt with the BM she might have been slow, but she was nice to me.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Cat - was just rereading what you said here, now that I have let the adrenilan (sp) go. Yes, there was a gleam in her eye when she saw a weak spot for a moment and tried to attack it. Wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it first hand.

Evil? You bet it is. No normal person would get such pleasure out of trying to hurt another unless they were abnormal like Twit.

sandye21's picture

"I was a tad mean in telling her what DH has told me on several occasions, but it is true." No you weren't mean. She chose to attack you at your home while your DH was away from the house. I really admire you for staying as sane as your have considering what Twit has put you through. I agree with Amber - it might get worse before it gets better. Restraining order time.

Since SD went ballistic on me she has not been allowed in my home. As far as I'm concerned it's justified. It is with you too. Please let us know what happens.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

At my home or not, it was the truth, nothing I made up. Sandye - I am finding her weak spot is when she feels that she doesn't have Daddy's complete support against me. She is so wicked she would rather break up her father's marriage just for her own needs.

As I have said, I have had it. I know she will be back as she will escalate. So, I am going to punch her buttons all I can. It is going to be a rough ride, but now that I am aware of how she operates, etc., I will give it a go. Perhaps she will self destruct, go off the deep end, or finally realize that I have her number and leave me, and DH alone. The gloves are off.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I'm spouting off here. Been reading some pretty interesting stuff about narcissists and, boy, Twit is a malicious narcissist. As the literature says, they take advantage of others to achieve their own needs. Well, no reason she is out selling pots and pans like she does.

As I once told DH, if I were buying all that stuff I would be her very best friend ever.

The reading also clarified how you can't reason with crazy. You tell a narcissist that you are hurt by something they did, they get threatened and turn the table and blame the whole problem on you. Must say that Twit has done that to me on occasion and I just could not understand why she never acknowledge my hurt or apologized. It was frustrating and not normal. She has no empathy. That is why I developed detachment and I just smile and walk away. Now I know why it tees her off so much.

In fact, finding out all the interesting things I am, thanks to you good folk here, about narcissism, I might just start having some "fun" with Twit. She is putting me through hell by being around, might be fun to drive her off the deep end two or three times. Just as long as I can keep DH from feeling sorry for her.

If I sound like a woman who has been pushed to her limits, I have, and I'm not going to take it any more. Gloves are off, boundaries set. I am certain I will get some hits, but I bet I do a lot more damage, emotionally, to the Twit narcissist than she does to me because now I understand her weakness and weak points.

Now, I am no meanie, and I don't like hurting people at all, I am a lady. But there are just some people, Twit, who I don't have to be nice to.

As I mentioned above, my email to her probably has her having fits trying to get to my DH to cry to him about how terrible I am. Since she hasn't called tonight, I bet she is scheming on how to get me with her father.....that is how she operates.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Makes you wonder what is wrong with these people.

As I read in a book on narcissim, they absolutely hate when they are ignored, and not getting their way. My Twit had better get use to it 'cause that is the way it is going to be.

Who know, she might get so teed off with me that she moves away! Wouldn't that be GREAT!

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

There is a lot to be said for that. My very best friend (we go back to 2nd grade) married a charmer. Oh, he was so nice to her and to me and to her family. Interestingly, before she married him his ex-wife called her and tried to tell her about him. My friend thought she was just being a nasty ex-wife. Then his adult son contacted her as well to tell her to be careful and she blew him off as well as, well, just trying to stop her from marrying his father.

Well, they were right. He was an abuser and it did not take long for her to find out. It took the help of one emergency room doctor who took the time to photograph her injuries and get her statement that helped her get out of that mess along with a very good attorney who happened to be recommended to her by the ER doctor.

sandye21's picture

SDM, What you have been through with Twit would try anyone's patience, and I admire your self-control. But please think this through or give it a little time before you act on pushing her buttons without provocation. Twit IS a narcissist, as is my SD but I've found with narcissists it is better to let them stew in their own toxic juices alone and to avoid contact with them at all costs. You told her to stay away from your home, and that is probably the best thing you can do for yourself. If she attacks you again in any way, shape or form, let her have it. Go for her emotional jugular - her weakness. Then you can say you were merely defending yourself rather than provoking her. In your original post you seemed worried that what you said to her was mean. If you stab first, you will again be concerned that you appear 'mean'.

I do not want to sound like a know-it-all, but I have had a love-hate relationship with a narcissist all of my life in the form of my mother. As she ages, her cruelty, sense of entitlement and self-absorbtion have only escalated. I had an experience with her before Christmas that just about broke me. My SD is also a narcissist and mirrors many of my mother's behaviors. You have already read that narcissists do not have the capacity to empathize so an apology is viewed as yet another threat to their ego. They also need information and drama (emotional fuel) to use for another assault. Eliminate the fuel and they have nothing to build a 'fire' with.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Oh Sandye - THANK YOU for your insight there. I wasn't planning on going out and poking the monster, only be armed to push her buttons when she starts off with me.

FWIW, years back when I was a very young one, there was a neighborhood bully who always picked on me, hit me, etc. My Mother gave me some very sage advice. She told me that the next time he came at me I should scratch, bite, kick (all girl things) and hit as hard as I could and try to hurt him. This, she said, because once I had inflicted pain on him he would leave me alone because he would always remember that. You know what? She was right. She wasn't telling me to go start a fight, but just to make sure that I finished one that was started with me. Twit is the same kind of thing. I have held back because of DH and his attitude before I kicked him out and he went to counseling. The "playing" field is totally different now.

sandye21's picture

What a gal!!!! If SD ever darkens my doorstep again I will be asking you for pointers. LOL

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Well, I do have my DH's response to my email to Twit, only because I showed it to him. He said it was okay for me not to like Twit, that (and here he repeated what he has told me before) I have tried with her and it hasn't worked out. And that is okay. He even said he didn't understand why she said certain nasty things to me in her ranting messages.

Now to see if he still sticks to that once the onslaught starts.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Couldn't do it without the help and support of you fine folks. Dealing with Twit is no laughing matter, although sometimes when talking about her I do put in some humor.

My own DD is totally shocked by her behavior towards both me and DH. For Father's Day DD sent him a nice summer polo shirt in the brand he likes and a card. She lives a good distance away and she did call him early in the day.

That was far more than his Twit did for him. And she lives 9 miles away! But, she had no problems calling him up the next day about taking care of her dogs when she goes away on vacation for a week. What total nerve.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

And, as we see throughout the middle east these days, even boundaries don't work with nutz.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Well, it took a bit for Twit to get ahold of DH, but she did. DH had the phone on speakerphone when he answered her call and listened to her triad against me. When DH set her straight and she saw she wasn't scoring any points against me, she changed her story to the old one we have heard a million times before.

Oh, she is off her meds, they didn't come in time for her to take on vacation, she is under a lot of stress, etc. I actually laughed out loud at this crock of carp, and I know she heard me.

DH told her, politely, that she had her say and goodbye and I know she heard me laughing in the background as she cried and gave her excuses for her behavior and wanting to get away, etc. She is not a happy camper. DH did shake his head at my laughing, but I told him I just couldn't help it, I'm "off my meds (being cynical there) and under a lot of stress". Hey, if it works for her with him.....

Rags's picture

You should have taken Twit's dogs to the pound for a visit and asked the staff for heads off of recently euthanized dogs. One head that looks like each of the Twit's dogs then recreated the horse head scene from The Godfather in Twits bed when she came home from vacation. }:) :O Biggrin Biggrin Biggrin

You could have kept the dogs at your house for the last day of her vacation.

That would have sent her in to drooling slathering apoplexy and likely kept her in a rubber room for a number of years.

Ahhhhhh! A few years of Twit free life. How nice would that have been?

Wink Wink of course.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

As DH told me once recently, perhaps it was during this whole dog fiasco: "SDM, you have tried with her and it just hasn't worked out. It is totally okay if you don't like her."

I think that says a lot because to me it means that he has accepted the fact that I can't and won't deal with her, that I have given it my best shot in the past, and that he also understands why I don't like her. At least I hope so. He also says that he knows that she has problems. I took this to mean that he knows she is crazy because when I said I have problems as well, he told me they were not the same kind she has. Ain't that a relief?

I was bad when I laughed, but I couldn't help it. Twit, when she doesn't get something she wants one way, always tries other ways.

Unfortunately, crazies, like Twit will always be looking for some way to get attention and their needs met. I don't believe she will ever stop until the day I die.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

She probably does, you have to understand that it is just an excuse. And if that one doesn't get her what she wants, she will come up with another and another on how she just didn't mean it, we misunderstood, it is OUR fault she did this to us (have heard that one before and it is really scary). Anything and anyone but her is responsible for her actions. And she also lies and will try to tell you that you don't know what you are talking about etc.

She can't and doesn't have the capacity to say "I'm sorry" and take responsibility which is what normal people do especially with someone they care about, like her Father in this matter.

sandye21's picture

I assume the pills are for bi-polar disorder? I've worked with bi-polar students in high school. The only difference is that Twit seems to be a full-blown narcissist on top of it. I am no medical expert but I know of no medication for narcissism, and Twit playing a common narcissist game: Triangulation. Twit has been the victim, you are the perpetrator, and she is trying like hell to get DH to be the savior. You've taken yourself out of the game, and it looks like DH has too. If you continue to deal with Twit as you have been, she will have to find replacements for you. Hold on, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

ltman's picture

Please be careful crazy frantic people do crazy frantic things. Expect something over the top, I.e a real close suicide attempt to punish daddy or something equally nuts directed at you.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

What I am expecting, from the few things DH has told me about Twit complaining about her husband, how he works long hours and then comes home and heads to his man cave, doesn't get involved with drunkie, doesn't drag drunkie's sorry butt to AA meetings, etc. I bet he is getting fatigued with all the Twit drama etc. And the one time she cried that she only stays with him because she has no where else to go. YOU can bet I told DH not even to think about her coming near our house for any reason.

I am expecting a divorce coming along for Twit. I think Ms. Perfect's house of cards is going to start collapsing soon. Her Husband's father passed away about a year ago and that, many a time, is the start of men re-evaluating their lives and "moving on" so to speak. It has been the last year that Twit has been doing the complaining to DH and DH saw some of it first hand when he was living down there.

Poodle's picture

Hold onto that thought about her potential divorce, SDM. If that is going to be the case, gird your loins because this will be yet another way of assaulting your own marriage. She will be in a unique life crisis that will evoke your DH's sympathy as it would any parent's, and could tempt him to move into comforting her again. It will be especially poignant for the pair of them since their relationship was and is no doubt so affected by the split between your DH and his first wife. So DH is bound to feel very deeply and subconsciously guilty, which as I say will trigger him to allow her past his usual barriers that he has learned to put up lately. This is going to be an immense test of both your fortitude if it comes to pass and I would suggest you plan and set up strategies for that now, in your own mind at least. And practical strategies such as will her housing be affected, what will happen to the dogs if they split, etc etc.
If she really looks close to getting divorced, I'd echo what some other posters have recently advised and say it may well become the time to move to live as far away from her as possible.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Yep, I am a wondering. From the way she has been bad mouthing her hubby, DH doesn't think too much of him at all. My guess is that her hubby is hiding in his man cave to get away from crazy. Generally, her hubby has been able to reign Twit in when she goes off on complete tangents.

Avoidance is one of the things that IMHO starts to signal BIG problems in a marriage. DH saw this and commented on it to me when he was living down there. Me, I keep my mouth shut on this, my thoughts to myself, but I listen. I would imagine all the Twit drama for some 25 years of marriage is wearing him out. The only thing is that he is the kind of guy that takes his vows seriously...you know in SICKNESS and in health, till death do us part. I think he knows she is one sick cookie but, well that is the kind of guy he is.

And, yes, if she has problems I have no doubts she will be banging on my door one night. That is when I will have to tell DH to go take her to a hotel and get her a room 'cause she isn't going to step a foot in this house as long as I am in it.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Oh, I'm talking with DH about putting the house on the market. He is getting the idea that I want to move. Have to make it somewhere where I don't make it sound like I just want to get totally away from Twit. If I put it like that, eventhough we would move away, he would probably resist it.

Maybe the southwest? I can tell him I have an interest in studying archeology etc.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

You are so right. That is how Twit operates. She wants total adoration and acceptance but will never pay anyone a compliment in return. And when they have enough, like me, she goes out to destroy them. I remember years back when she bragged about this to me and I thought it was strange even then.

She worked for a guy who was like her in many respects. He would always tell her how his wife was neglecting their children, beating them, not feeding them. How he would go home and have to clean the house and cook dinner, etc. When I heard all this I told Twit that she should call Family Services about this, unidentified of course. Oh, Twit said, it wasn't HER problem. I told her abuse of any child, children as she was describing was HER problem, but she didn't want to get involved. I lost a lot of respect for her right then.

But keep in mind that this is the same boss, that along with Twit, reported a young father who turned in his notice to go to a better job. Twit had no problems reporting him to DFS. She laughed that that would keep him busy for awhile - fix his wagon for quiting. The guy was a single father and he needed a job that provided health care for him and his family. On this she was quite pleased with herself as she and the boss had decided to do it to fix his wagon and she made the call. She was delighted with herself and even bragged to me about it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! Evil? You betcha.

THAT is Twit mentality or lack thereof.