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Like everyone else here I cannot stand my fiances children

ashleyn09's picture

Where do I start? First my fiance and I have been together 8 years and when the kids are not here everything is great. The only major problem is his 11 year old son and 13 year old daughter. We broke up for a time last year because of them. He never disciplines them EVER. They actually tell him what to do. They insist especially the boy that he plays games with them and wakes us up in the morning and they play all day until very late at night unless he is playing down the street. I cannot stand the summer because this year they are here every weekend, hate weekends they are here and hate Christmas because they are here for a week. I am ignored during this time and I usually stay in the bedroom. If I go anywhere I come home to the bedroom door open and the girl wearing my clothes or food (which I keep in there because if not they will eat a weeks worth of food in the two days they are here). Today they left the door to the house wide open several times and I had to chase my dogs down. Then I had put blocks on the TV for rated R and worse movies but I think I messed it up. Anyway that pissed the demon boy off so to punish me before he left( went to grandma's cause I cannot stand them here every weekend so that is the deal this summer, they spend more time there then here) he took the batteries out of the remote and hid them then threw the remote into the fireplace. That child will not see the remote again now. The girl is just as bad. My nephew was here for spring break (he is a well mannered 14 year old) his daughter acted like a hussy and followed him around and on the four wheeler pressed herself against him. He threw up. She lies all of the time about things that you KNOW are not true (like at 12 she was driving all of the time and had some ID to flash him to prove it). I used to not be able to stand her more but now the boy is surpassing her. I dread the weekends and that is sad. Not sure what I can do but vent. He doesn't even try to stop them. The boy has destroyed our property before by taking a hatchet and chopping randomly and knocking the door to the porch down. I have never heard a grown up cuss the way that he does at 11. They both are very babyish. They need a like on to sleep and Dad must always be around like they are 2-3 years old. Thanks for letting me at least vent!!

Anon2009's picture

Here is what you do.

You sit down with him, and with a pen and paper, and say, "fdh, I love you and hope we can spend the rest of our lives together. But your children and I are having difficulty getting along. You've noticed their behaviors, you know what's wrong. They tell you what to do, not vice versa. Do you really think that is feasible or healthy for them in the long run? Do you really think letting them act the way they do now is healthy for them in the long run? I don't. I want them to have good lives as adults. I want them to feel fulfilled as adults. And they will not have/feel any of those things if you keep parenting the way you do. It's horrible. I have never seen such bad parenting in my life.

So here's the deal. Either you sign up for parenting classes and get those two into counseling (you must do both) or I am out of here. Nobody in this house can live like this anymore. I love you, I love us, I care about your kids and I want things to work out for all of us. So YOU need to start making the changes I demand above. Parenting classes and therapy are a must in this switch. Because if you don't make those changes, I WILL leave."

Disneyfan's picture

You hate the kids, but not the father. Why? They act like asses because he allows them to.

How can yiu love a man who allows you and your property to treated so poorly?

ashleyn09's picture

I think it is because at first I had no contact with the kids for a long while. Really I have been with this man most of my adult life and when it comes down to it he is safe I guess. He lets himself be treated that way by those kids as well. He has no backbone and allows them to parent and run the house. I shut myself away when they are here but when they aren't we have great times together. I guess I was hoping to out wait them but they do not act their age and I wouldn't be surprised if at 30 they were still living at home.
The boy especially is very passive aggressive.

I think Anon, I will do as you suggest first but I fear it would only be a temporary change if at all. When he tells them to do something it ends up being a two hour argument. I can't understand why you argue with kids, take their computer, send them to their room, etc. I am willing to bet the boy didn't get punished at all for what he did. He might have yelled at him but that would be the most that was done. He won't find the remote again to hide though, not until he shows some respect for adults and realizes he is not on our level.

mylife10's picture

I have the same, and I am leaving the relationship after almost 4 years with my SO because of similar non-sense.....The skid's are a huge problem, mess everywhere, clothing, junk, etc, constant fighting and disrespect from skid's and my SO. I too had to hide my groceries as my 4 skid's would eat it in less than a day. I feel your pain... Maybe Dad needs to start making some boundaries for his kids.
I have learned that no matter what i said or did I got no where with my SO. And yes it was like paradise every time my skid's were not around. But it would not last....He made minor changes, only to be back in the same game....Leopards never change their spots!! I have learned this the hard way... I would go off into the bedroom myself and try and disengage but it never worked for me. I would say RUN, run for the hills if he cant discipline his kids. In my experience it only gets worse, at least thats the way it happened in my situation..But every situation is different...Best of luck and best wishes to you...Stay strong!! Smile

Done62's picture

I just told my FDH when he asked if his 21 year old bum of a son could move in with us (it is my house) that he is more than welcome to pack his shit up and get an apt with his son. He said you want me to leave? No but it is the lesser of the two evils IMO!!!!

paige72's picture

I had a similar issue with my fiancé (been together 3 years) and his bratty son. His son would not listen to his dad, would argue, yell, etc and the worst part was his son dictated our time too. We don't live together and many times during "my week" we would have plans, his son would all and daddy would never tell him no so the kid was there 80% of the time and would ruin my plans often. Daddy sees him as "sweet baby boy" and made excuses for his rude obnoxious behavior. I love my fiancée but I knew there was no way in hell I was going to live with that. I waited until things were going really good and then he allowed his son to do this again I walked out. I just told him (wasn't the first time I said it) that he was only creating a monster (many people can't stand to be around his son- even his own family but everyone is afraid to tell him)- I told him I was not the only one that felt that way but I was the one it was affecting. I told him I was sick of making plans and making arrangements for my children only to have his child totally control our lives, mine and my children's too. Again I had said all this many times but I packed what stuff of mine I kept over there and told him I loved him but if he couldn't change, I was done. I told him I understood he loved his son but if that was his only priority he shouldn't be in any relationship. I was not willing to be an option and I would rather be single than pushed aside whenever his son called (for you every time kids come over). I then walked our and stuck to it. He tried calling, saying he would change (heard that too many times), then he got mad at me. Finally I think during time alone he really missed me and realized what he was losing because of him. He actually seemed to understand a little and asked to talk. After me nagging and bitching for 2 years, he finally made some changes. He is sticking to a schedule and learning to discipline a little more. Things are much better, not great, but better. I still don't think I want to marry him because right now I can stay away from him when he has his son. At least he isn't letting the brat get away with as much (much like yours). My advice, do the same. You must be living there so I suggest you find a new place to live. Tell him you understand he loves his kids but that you two are the adults and you are not going to have young KIDS talk to you that way, treat you and your home that way, etc. Tell him of he is going to allow them to control his life then he isn't ready for a relationship at all and should wait until his kids are grown and gone. Again, tell him you love him but that you obviously aren't a priority since he allows KIDS to treat you both like crap and you are not willing to be an option. Stick to your guns and walk out. If it ends, it's meant to end and you need to get on with your life- start dating others or something so you're not tempted to go back to that If you are that important to him he will seek help and make changes. You do NOT want to live like this and it will only get worse. Good luck.