I am a grandmother and my DH is a step granddad - so I feel I have some empathy with your situation. Also because I can imagine how I'd feel if one of my two SDs had a child (they are currently aged 19 and 17).

I think there are several things in play here - first your guilt over your feelings towards the baby. I think that your feelings are probably vastly coloured by how you feel about your SD - I know mine would be. And maybe ? the possibility that your DH will have a stronger emotional attachment to his daughter and her baby now. It's OK to be jealous - I acknowledged this about myself a long time ago and you just have to allow yourself, as it's unlikely to go away.

I have always had a fraught relationship with my SDs so I can well imagine how you thought - "thank goodness, it's over" and then it all starts up again when a baby enters the picture. I am sure everything you are feeling will probably be me, 10 or 15 years down the line! Anyhow, welcome to ST

Do not feel badly at all and there is nothing wrong with you. This baby is not your "blood", so your feelings are normal, I assure you. Do you have any grandkids of your own? I have a 10 year old grandson of my own who I totally adore. My heart skips a beat when I see him. Dh has a DGS6 who is a nice kid, but I don't have that grandmotherly "over the moon" love for him that I do my own. I have had the same guilt feelings as you have and a couple years ago posted on the Grandparent boards here because I felt so guilty. As the posters told ME...as long as I treat him well and take good care of him when he's with us, then that's good enough. Dh's son lives in another state and did drugs for 6 years,so ruined his marriage, so we used to have him every other weekend (so his mother could play). Plus dh just HAD to see him. I admit...I could see him twice a year and be fine with that, but dh adores him although...now that he's older, dh doesn't seem to have that overwhelming desire to see him like he did when he was a baby. Now...quit feeling guilty.

I can't imagine loving any child of SD12's, to be honest with you. I can't stand her, and I assume I will feel the same about any offspring she has because they will just be little duplicates of her. Ugh... more of SD12. Sounds horrible.

On the other hand, my bio-son is possibly about to become a stepdad and his girlfriend's children are lovely. I thoroughly enjoy them. So maybe THOSE are the stepgrandma's that love their stepgrand's? Because it doesn't involve our DH's and all the nasty feelings that go along with being a stepmother.

10 years ago when my SD started reproducing I jumped on the grandma band-wagon only to have her use them as weapons. I learned my lesson, do not get overly involved.

I most certainly feel no love for any of them. I am polite to sgk's but do not gush.

Your feelings are perfectly normal.

You write that your relationship with your SD is "OK." Would would give more information about your relationship with your SD? Understandably you do not have the same type of bond with SD that you have with your DD. This might have something to do with your lack of enthusiasm for SG. Who knows, when your SG is older you might develop a connection with it, but don't beat yourself up - there will be plenty of people who will shower the child with love. It has been written often on this site is that the SG can be used as a manipulation tool sometimes creating a 'hostage' situation with DH, and resentment from SM. Don't allow it. It's too early to tell right now, go with the flow. One good thing - you found this site and know what the pitfalls can be. This way you will be prepared.

I have 2 SDs that have children. The oldest SD has been estranged from DH since she was a child but he has always tried to have a relationship with her.

When she had her first child, DH and I would occasionally take the baby for the weekend and I really enjoyed it and really loved her. But, SD was just using the child to get what she wanted, whether it be money or taking the baby off of her hands. She even told DH that we should take the baby EVERY weekend. She would claim she needed money for diapers so, DH would take her diapers instead of money. Not quite what she wanted! Anyway, when the child was about 1 1/2, we stopped hearing from SD at all. She has since had 2 more children, who we have never seen.

DH's youngest daughter, who he is closer to but there are issues, has 2 kids. I am not interested in them AT ALL. DH would like to be but he does not trust SD23 completely and he does not want to get hurt. Again.

Don't feel guilty, you feel how you feel. I have been in SD23's life since she was 5 years old and I have only held one of her kids one time and they are 4 1/2 & 3 1/2.

My DH has 2 grand brats and I have no love for either of them. I don't wish either of them harm, I just don't care about them. He (DH) always used to refer to them as our grand kids. I told him "our kids have not had children yet, so I don't have any grand kids!" It used to piss me off when he would say shit like that. He doesn't anymore. He would like for me to warm up to them and consider them mine, but that is never going to happen.

My DH has a 5 y/o grandkid, and I don't feel one bit of guilt for not having anything to do with her. She's nothing to me. I'm thankful I've only seen her twice in 5 years, because it's tiring to pretend my mind isn't elsewhere.

I am a grandmother of 5 bio grands and my SS has one child. I can tell you I am closer to some of the grandchildren than I am so others. I have a couple of them I do not really care to be around as they are quite mouthy and spoiled. When my SS's daughter was born I do recall the detachment and I am not close to them or the little girl. Do not feel guilty, do not question your feelings towards the child. The child is innocent and I do hope that the parents will allow the baby to get close to you but do not feel obligated to watch and care for the child. You do not have to be the typical grand mother than all think of when we think of grand mother relationships.

I know how you feel, baab17. When I married DW 13 years ago, her 2 daughters were 15 and 12. I figured I'd have to deal with a few years of them living with us (though I never could have imagined how difficult those teenage years would be) and then they'd move out and get on with their lives and it would be just the 2 of us. I felt the same sense of "here we go again" when the first grandkid came along much sooner than we expected. Long story short, both SDs had 2 kids before they turned 20, with fathers neither of them are still with and never should have been with in the first place, much less had kids with. Then my older SD decided she would rather party all the time than take care of her own kids, so DW and I have her 2 kids 3 days a week, the other 4 they're with their father. The younger SD at least takes care of her own kids, but due to the circumstances that led to her having the kids with a guy who was physically abusing her, and all the lying to us, and more drama and backstory than I care to get into here, I find it very hard to feel anything for her children. I have had nothing but misery from both of my SDs, and don't like or respect either of them as people, so yes, that makes it very hard to want to love their offspring.

..

Do you have your own kids? I did not feel much for any baby (except nieces and nephews) until I had my own baby. This included the stepgrand that was born shortly after I was married. Subsequent stepgrands became more adorable to me after I'd had my own. I'm not sure why this is, but that's what happened.

Regardless of my love for babies, I still am disengaged from all of DHs grands due to them being used as a way to hurt me in the past.

Peacemaker had a great name for these babies, ie GRIDS. I agree with the poster who said that feeling nothing makes it easier to avoid any pain inflicted by the parents. Just don't get roped into any form of babysitting if you feel like this.

oh I can relate. I also understand the guilt. My DH has four kids and now one grandkid who is 2 1/2. The first year of his life his daughter - SD25 - wouldn't allow me to come to the hospital while giving birth, wouldn't allow me to come to babyshower (sent individual invites to everyone in the house (we got five individual cards to our house that day -- one of which was DH's), and then the first year of his life she wouldn't allow me to be around him.

Keep in mind, I babysit several friends' children, took care of the babies at MOPS, took care of the babies at church, have a professional job and a fully functioning member of society (don't do drugs or drink or party - never have).

So when her boyfriend and her got into a fight and split up, who did she come running to? Us. I told DH no way in hell can she live here with the baby. I told him if he allowed it, I WAS moving out. So it was during this time that she started allowing me to be around him. Of course, I was asked to babysit ALL the time -- like 5 days a week. Totally took advantage of me. I felt like a love starved person happy with whatever scraps she would throw me -- she would call, I would be there for her -- all just wanting her stupid approval and to be apart of her life.

Then one day I said no to babysitting -- I was working. She got pissed. Plus when DH would say he would babysit, I would end up doing EVERYTHING for the baby. Finally I started telling him "if you invite him over, YOU take care of him" -- to include diaper changing, playing with him feeding him, etc. Visits got less and less because while he likes to be thought of as the "doting" grandpa -- I'm the one that did everything. He would try to watch tv or even take a nap when "grid" was here. I would wake him up and tell him, "you invited him over..."

So needless to say, SD25 only calls me when she is desperate for a babysitter, etc. She won't even talk to me when she comes to pick up "grid" -- last time she wouldn't even come into the house.

Keep in mind, prior to her letting me see him (he was 1 years old when I finally got to meet him) -- she hadn't spoken to me in a year and a half. DH would go over there and sneak around to see her, would lie to me that he was going over there, etc. I told him to knock it off -- that he was acting like she was the other woman. It was ridiculous. I told him I didn't care he was going over there, I just didn't want to hear about her or how cute the baby was, if she was going to continue to shun me and cut me out of her life.

Anyways....i better stop so I don't get more and more angry!

My ss27 has a 5 yr old step son and a 2 year old bio son. I do love them both though I don't get overly involved. My step step gs5 is a handful, throws tantrums, and is spoiled by DIL's side of the family. ss27 has a hard time with him and treats his own son much better. I try to be extra loving to the 5 yr old whenever he is around me since ss27 does a lot of yelling due to his frustration with the kid.

DH wants me involved whenever they come over but I'm there only about half the time. ss27 recently told me that he would invite me to the zoo IF his mom didn't want to go. I thought it was really rude but I just said "oh ok." No need to get into some pissing contest with the "real" grandma. I have a life and don't need their approval and involvement to be fulfilled. I don't feel bad at all and think DH needs to take the bulk of the responsibility for grandparenting his grandkids.

Submitted by momof5_1969 on Sat, 07/19/2014 - 5:26pm.

oh I can relate. I also understand the guilt. My DH has four kids and now one grandkid who is 2 1/2. The first year of his life his daughter - SD25 - wouldn't allow me to come to the hospital while giving birth

My SD32 will be giving birth in about six weeks. If I am not allowed there to see and hold new gskid and my wife supports that decision then I think that it will finally give me the cue to move on.
I need to follow what a posted earlier.

There come a time in your life when you should walk away from all the drama and people who create it.

My SD28 is "trying" to have a baby and she makes it well known, mind you she lives with the guy but is not engaged or anything. I dread the day she brings a child into this world and as much as I love babies I know I will resent this one. There is too much of a past to all of a sudden become a happy Grandmother to a child of hers. Through the years she has told me about several miscarriages she's had, well she's told my DD she had abortions so I'm hoping she did too much damage to her reproductive system to be able to carry a child. I know if she has one my life will once again become a living hell.