I just got married on saturday, just DH and I. I think it is a real hot potato inviting the stepkids given BM would have gone mad. I kind of thought if I were her, I would not have wanted my kids going to his marriage to his new wife. I just wouldn't have.

Also, it makes life easier for everyone when BM is calm and acting normal.

My remarriage with blending kid 3.5 years ago went down like this, kids ages at the time of wedding...

DD17 - -my maid of honor
DS10- ring bearer
SD9 - flower girl

CRAZY ex wife, begged my DH to go to it. After gettiing to know her and seeing it was a control thing....hell no.

All the kids were very happy about thier roles and I would say it helped all feel more like we were a new family.

BM was pissed about not getting to come. Fricken funny!!!!

I was twenty when my father remarried. At first they were talking about eloping to my grandfather's homeland. I was a little upset about that. I wanted to be there. I didn't let them know I was upset about it. Eventually they decided to get married here. I went. My stepsiblings went. My sister didn't. Not because of any issues with the stepfamily, just because she doesn't like going out.
I was very, very glad to be there. It was important to me that I be able to attend, so I could be reassured that I was still part of my dad's family, and to show that I accepted my stepfamily wholeheartedly.

I want my SD there when SO and I eventually get married. Though it looks like it won't be happening for quite some time.

DH and I eloped and didn't involve SDthen17 at all. DH's choice. I think she was hurt because he wasn't very tactful when telling her we were getting married, but she was a bratty teenager, and he didn't want to deal with her nonsense.

My DH and SD23 are no longer particularly close (started drifting once she became a teenager) so I don't think he was very worried about the whole "one big family". We have children together now, and he does occasionally wish we would all be one big happy family, but she has her own life and isn't particularly interested. It is what it is.

I wouldn't push the issue. Include them to the extent that they want to be included. Who wants grumpy kids involved in their wedding?

I've been considering these types of things myself. FDH has pulled each of my kid's aside separately and asked them what they thought about him marrying their mom. All good there. SD is outright excited about it.
We haven't decided on a date let alone who would be in the wedding. My BD16, who will prob be at least 17-18 by the time we do get married, will be a junior bridesmaid,I hope. She's a tomboy and I haven't seen her in a dress since she's been about 8 at my brother's wedding. I would love for my BD2, will prob be at least 3 1/2 or 4, to be the flowergirl. SD6 was just in her aunt's wedding this past weekend as a flower girl so I don't feel the need to include her in the wedding party. That and I don't want to include her. Maybe that's terrible, but I don't want her trying to make our wedding all about her b/c everything in her mind, is supposed to be about her. Also, by the time we are married she'll be around 8 and she's super tall for her age. I think it's goofy to have a kid that's as tall as an 11yo as a flowergirl.

That's if, and only if I decide to have any kids there. I might be less stressful to outright ban children all together lol

I'm getting married in Nov, my sd16 could give a rats ass about our wedding. She is a bridesmaid as its the thing u do
she threw a tantrum because shes not chief bridesmaid / maid of honour. She also told her dad that once he married me he wont be her dad anymore wth, i know shes going to kick off on the day. To be prepared I've sa her on a table with 2 people i really trust who are "baby sitting skid"

taken me 10 years to agree to marry oh, be damned if some spoilt sd will ruin it.

I think it is important for all of the kids to be there. No need for them to participate unless the multifaceted dynamic is positive enough for it to be tolerable for everyone to be part of a family commitment ceremony.

IMHO of course.

We eloped and the Skid was there. He was not quite 2yo at the time. He will be officiating at our vow renewal ceremony on your 20th anniversary in a few weeks.

Good luck and congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

We eloped. Our girls (SD and my BD) knew we were going to, just not an exact date. DH informed BM when we were on our way to the resort town we were getting married and spending the weekend in--didn't want her trying to pull some last minute crap. She sent DH a guilt trip "SD will be disappointed because she wanted to be a flower girl"--as if DH hadn't already had the discussion with her. (On a side note, BM should get married if she wants her DD to be a flower girl, and if I'm a horrible person, why would she even want her DD to be my flower girl??)

The weekend following our elopement/honeymoon, we got all fancied up, the girls got new dresses, and we went out for a "fancy" dinner at an upscale restaurant in the major city we live near. The girls had their "moment" to celebrate and feel special, we got some awesome family pics and it was a good way to include them in the celebration.

IMO, a marriage is between two adults, it is a commitment between the two and if those two want to do it in private, or sans kids, then so be it. There are other ways to include the kids, if you don't want them there or are unable to have them there.

Last year my DS7 was the ring bearer, sd8 was the flower girl and sd10 was the jr bridesmaid. During our ceremony we had a family dedication including a sand ceremony and it was very special to all of them and they still talk about it and I'm sure always will. They now refer to each other as brothers and sisters and it's so cute, even though they don't always get along haha.
I think if family is important to you, and you want to pass that along to your kids then you should consider it. Or you could ask them what they want. They are old enough to have an opinion, not necessarily that it will make the final decision but ask them that if there were to be a wedding, what role would they like to play if any, or would they prefer to sit with the guests. They all don't have to participate if they don't want to but at least they would be there.
However way you play it, having the ceremony and having a talk about family and the importantace of togetherness will teach them to appreciate it more and place high standards on their future families and cherish it. IMO.

I really wanted to involve SD (5 at the time) in our wedding. I think it is important. For me a wedding and marriage is joining of two families and it was important that as many family members from both sides were there. But we managed to screw up. My husband didn't realize that the weekend of the wedding was BM's weekend until everything had been booked and all the out of town (and country) guests had made their arrangements (and I didn't think to check, being ignorant to BM ways). And of course BM made a huge fuss and refused to let SD come to our wedding because it was her weekend and that way she had the power. It upset me greatly, it still does. We planned the wedding without really telling SD what was going on. She knew we were getting married but because of her age and experiences didn't know what that meant or realize what she missed out on. We took her for a special weekend away instead, which was nice but not the same. Since then I have shown her my dress and wedding pictures and the other day we watched the wedding video. She loves it all but still hasn't asked us why she wasn't there and doesn't seem affected by it a year later. I imagine that will happen at some point, and we will tell her that it was her mom's weekend and that her mom didn't want to swap. So my conclusion is I am still sad she wasn't there but life goes on.

We got married and SD was the flower girl...and someone suggested of course we take it a step FURTHER when it came to including her in the wedding, we did a sand ceremony in front of everyone...yeah it was "cute" but the whole "make daddy carry me around all day and whine about everything when it's not about me"act got reaaaal old reaaaal quick. Hint of advice, if skids are gonna be there, have a bottle of wine prepared.

I have a question about 19 year old daughter being in ex's wedding. I think it is great that she is included. She is a college student and does not have a full-time job. Is it reasonable for Ex to expect daughter to pay for part of her dress?

I am not sure about any of the other expenses that come with being a bridesmaid. This is daughter's first wedding to participate in.