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LuLuLu's picture

I married my DH just over 2 years ago. He has SS9. I do not have kids and we don't have any together.

My DH has custody of SS9. He sees his BM every other weekend, but spends the majority of his time at our house. Before we got married, it was just the two of them, and SS ruled the roost. There was no bedtime (SS would sleep in DH bed or they would put blankets on floor in front of TV), McDonald's for dinner 2-3x per week, DH would dress SS and brush his teeth for him before school, and EVERY time they left the house DH would buy SS something. We had the discussion of what role I was to play with SS9 once we got married and I expressed that I did not agree with how he was raising his son. DH told me he wanted my help and wanted me to play a partner role in "parenting" in our house. In fact, he seemed more than willing to let me come in and lay the law down as far as rules and boundaries. It was tough in the beginning, SS was 6 at the time and had a hard time sleeping in his own bed/going to sleep by himself. But he eventually figured it out. I think it was harder on DH, but he followed-through for the most part. And things were good for awhile and SS respected me.
But the last 6 months everything has changed. BM has suddenly entered the picture and putting pressure on SS. Also, SS has started doing poorly in school and having constant behavior issues (which he has had since kindergarten). DH and I discussed having him evaluated for ADD. It was a very long process (as I am sure many of you already know) that took several months. I was part of every step and there for my DH as he struggled with the diagnosis of ADD and deciding to put him on medication or not. It seems all these issues have suddenly turned my DH back into an enabling, no-boundary/discipline parent. SS has become completely disrespectful and mouthy, argues about everything, refuses to do his homework, and has no responsibilities around our house. And whenever I speak up or try to discipline him, DH steps in and tells me I am being too hard on him (in front of SS) and literally lets him do whatever he wants (even after I have told him no). SS will go straight to dad and then come back to me with a shit eating grin on his face and say, "dad said I could." And now that summer is here, SS has no bedtime, sits around watching TV for hours and demands I order him pizza for dinner. The kids teeth are literally GREEN because he hasn't brushed them in so long. And whenever I tell him to brush his teeth, he lies and says he already did and then DH says, "leave him alone. If he said he brushed them, then he did." Um No! The kid LIES about everything!
I've tried to talk to my DH about all of this and he immediately gets defensive. He does not see how his actions are causing his son to grow up to be an entitled, selfish, rude human being. And then DH and I get in an argument..and whenever we fight, DH runs to SS and coddles him even more. The kid climbs all over his dad and has to have his attention 100% of the time. I tell DH that it is not normal, and he tells me I need to get over my jealousy. I feel like it is ruining our marriage. I feel like DH's priority is only for his son.
I am just at a loss. Do I keep fighting to get DH to see the error of his ways or just step back and let the kid grow up to be a monster? I just don't know if I have it in me to allow that to happen right in front of me....

Thanks for reading my rant. It feels good to get it off my chest!

Drama Rama's picture

I feel your pain! My SO is the same way ... Nothing his son does can ever be wrong and is also having behavioural issues. There's just no way out of being the bad guy if they're too blind to see the consequences of their own actions but in my situation it's all blamed on bio mom! I've personally been trying to stay out of it - if he misbehaves I'll ask him what he wants me to do... Does he want me to punish him? Or will he? That way it's on him and I've tried! Good luck

LuLuLu's picture

Thanks for your input! Yes, so frustrating when everything is blamed on someone else (seems DH can never see that his actions have negative consequences). Can I ask...does your SO get upset when you put all the decisions/punishing on him? How do you go about balancing that?

I tried that route for a bit, and my DH started getting upset with me that I was not just not handling things myself. He would get frustrated when I would go to him...like I am tattling on his son. And he told me if I was upset with something SS did, then I need to tell SS myself. It's like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.

NeedingHope_and_Help's picture

I feel your pain. We had full custody of my SD for the first 5 years of our relationship and it was pure hell. I also get the 'your too hard' comment and it infuriates me! Unfortunately, it does not get any easier. We have gone to counseling and the counselor has said boundaries need to be placed. Well, unless I push to the extreme nothing happens - and even then sometimes that backfires and my SO ends up acting like a teenager and won't fix anything even more. Good luck.

LuLuLu's picture

Oh, I know exactly what you are saying!! It's like our SO just do the opposite of what we are asking, just out of spite! Even though they must know deep down that what we are asking (i.e. boundaries, discipline, etc) ultimately are the right things to do. They just want to take the easy way out!!

internaltwist's picture

Have you tried talking to anyone else about this, relatives, friends? Would you be able to take the people that are on your side and have them talk to your DH? Maybe if there are other people he respects and will listen to, he might get a better idea of how this is affecting you and how it will ultimately affect your SS. You could try the professional route if family/friends aren't an option. If nothing were to change, do you see your marriage going the distance? Is that the life you want to live?

LuLuLu's picture

I have talked to my family (sisters and mother) and the definitely see my side and the harm that his actions are doing. However, I am afraid to have them say anything to my DH as he is already so defensive. I feel like he would just resent them for meddling. I've also had some conversations with his mother (not nearly to the extent I have with my family) and she has made some comments to him about making sure that he doesn't let his son ruin our marriage. He seemed to listen, but it seems like after a few days he is just back into his old ways. We have just started going to counseling. I think it has helped for me to get my feelings out, and having that 3rd person there helps for him to not be so defensive. We have not been to many sessions, but I don't see a huge change in his behavior. I definitely do not see myself continuing to live this way forever. I can't live with a 9 year old running my life!

NeedingHope_and_Help's picture

I felt the same way when my SD was 9... Said I wasn't going to let her run my house and our life. My bf and I had been together for 2 years then and everyone wanted to know when we were getting married and having our baby. My answer was only when we get SD on track. SD is now 14 - 15 in a few months! We are still not married, I still have no baby to call me mommy and tonight I found myself feeling angry at my bf when I saw a text from her and realized there was no getting out of her coming over in a couple of weeks. I know I shouldn't feel that way and I feel angry at myself for feeling that way. Her text was out of the norm to my bf... Being nice saying miss you and love you without a want after... She has never been loving toward him and usually wants nothing to do with him unless she is getting something in return. So, I know he will not budge on her not coming especially since she didn't come last weekend. It gets to me because when she is around our life is on hold. She is inappropriate and likes to start drama A Lot! We can't go certain places or do our normal thing when she is around. Not only do I hate dealing with her in public, but it's unfair to put others in a situation with her that they may not be aware of. I know I should not care and so many people on this page say to let him deal with her it's his kid.... I agree, but I don't know how to turn a blind eye and let her do things I don't approve of when she is with us and in our home... I pay for that house, not her, so why do I have to let her get away with it in my house?? Sorry, I'm ranting....
I said all that to say this... My bf and I just celebrated our 7 yr anniversary. In that time, I went from very optimistic (going to make a positive difference), to frustrated, to angry, to a loss of all hope. We have been to counseling... Just the 2, then the 3 and last all 5 (bm and stepdad). My bf says f** the dr anytime I bring something up that he said. Another words the therapy did zero. Now I feel lost in my relationship. I have my happy moments, moments longing for more and moments of what the hell!! I can honestly say I don't like reading the post where people say to run because I truly love my bf, but I have to admit I sometimes wonder where I would be in life if I had. I love my bf dearly and we do really well together until you factor SD into the picture. I'm 30 and I feel the urge to want a true family life. A husband, a child to call my own... A future... As it is write now, I just feel here. I love my SS (bc has 2 kids) and I often feel the 3 of us work well as a family, but I still feel a void and then it doesn't help when your reminded that you are not mom.
No one is going to have the right answer for your next move... I wish you luck and hope all turns out well for you.

LuLuLu's picture

Thanks for sharing, NeedingHope. I'm sorry you're are still going through all the frustration and trouble, but you sharing your story makes me feel better...I guess just knowing that my feelings aren't that crazy.
I know exactly how you feel when you say you feel angry when your SD is around. There is a sense of "no control" when this person waltzes into your home and completely changes the dynamic. And there is not much you can do about it...except get angry or frustrated. I, too, go through that. Things are great when it is just my DH and I. But when SS is in the mix, DH becomes the other kid and just does anything with is son to make him happy. But he completely overlooks what might make me (or others) happy. And if I say anything, he tells me I need to get over my jealousy. And I am going through the same doubts and fears about having my own child. I, too, have the urge to have a true family and someone to call me mommy. But I am at the point now where I feel like my DH doesn't really care if he has more kids or not. He has his little "angel" and that is all he needs. If I did have a child, would he/she be treated equally or would DH be even more protective and coddling of SS? I feel like if that were the case, it would drive a wedge even further between all of us. And do I want my child to be raised with a brother that has no respect for anything and manipulates everyone he meets?

Sorry to turn the subject back to me. My point is that I know your pain and frustration. I don't suggest you run...if you truly love your BF, and want to have a family with him, I hope and pray you find the strength to work through all that troubles you. It is not easy, but what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. Smile