Just a hair cut

Cruella de Ville's picture

My SD is 7 years old. Her Dad and I have been together
for 4 years. We have shared custody but I use the term shared very loosely. She sees her mum
Once every 2/3 weeks (and it's usually cut short or cancelled) On Sunday my SD had a party to go to so before I dropped her off I took her to have a her hair cut and blow dried. She expressed no opinion on the event as the party was more important.
3 days later mum picked her up from school and saw that her hair had been cut. She completely lost it.
Screaming profanities at my partner on the phone while my SD was in the back of the car crying. "I'm her mother, you're trying to push me out!" She then drove to the shopping centre where hubby was inside buying groceries and threw SD out of the car and drove off leaving her on the side of the road alone. This has shaken me up and I feel somewhat responsible but mum is now back on her bi-polar meds and it's like nothing ever happened. But my SD is now not talking to me because she hates her hair:( SD and I have a great friendship and understanding of our roles so I'm not sure how to turn this around. It was just a hair cut....have I over-stepped the step mother boundaries?

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Don't do this again. Also, don't buy her pads, bras, take her to get her nails done or ears pierced, or anything else mothers usually do. We're not trying to be mean, we want to save you from the kind of crazy only BM's like yours can dole out. I will say as a mom, I'd be a little miffed if someone took my child to get a haircut without my consent, miffed, but I know hair grows back and I will politely ask the person to give me a heads up first.

Now, if I, and I think I'm very open minded and forgiving about a lot of things, feel miffed, I can only imagine the psychosis you put the BM into.

Seriously, don't do it anymore. This is not about you, but for your SDs sake. She was crying as her mother was blowing up, please don't put her in that position again.

ETA: Oops, I didn't read that BM only saw her daughter once every 2/3 weeks. If that's the case, have dad take her to get her hair cut instead. This way her hair gets cut, you don't look like the bad guy, and SD doesn't get in trouble or have a strained relationship with you.

missflo's picture

Tnis is funny to me because we have the exact opposite problem.
When ever SS16 was here (every 10 weeks for school holidays) DH had to take him for his haircuts.
He (SS16) would like to have it done more often but BM has told him "I can't afford those kinds of luxuries"
Literally first day of his visit he would say " Dad can we get my hair cut today"

Firstly, DH pays $884 a fortnight to support his son, so I think you can probably find $25 every so often (isn't that what CS is for?)
Secondly, SS16 is a pretty good kid, who has resisted most of her efforts to alienate him from his Dad, so its hard not to see this as punishment for that.
DH now asks his son in the middle of the school term if he wants to go get his hair cut, he puts the money in SS'S account so he can do it himself.

Effie_C's picture

Poster above is right - she is a special kind of crazy, so best just don't do anything that might be considered a mother-bonding activity (hair, nails, bras, etc...).

My SD's BM went completely mental when she thought that her daughter was wearing one of my own daughter's old dresses even. She actually wasn't even wearing one - DH had got it from a charity shop. But she sent me a 3 page email going on and ON about it, "Do not pass on any hand-me-down clothes. There must be something left for me to do?". It was really sad (at so many levels!).

But OMG if I ever had SD's hair cut, I think she might attack me in the street. But you weren't to know. Like I said. A SPECIAL kind of crazy. It's not even so much the being upset about it, but the going batshit crazy in front of SD. It's not just SD I don't want to ever see that - it's me too! She scares the crap out of me, when BM really flips out about something.

Cruella de Ville's picture

What mothers usually do is not walk out the door and not see their baby even once for 3 years and then re-appear waving a mother-of-the-year flag, coincidentally the same time I came on the scene. Mother has no issues with me buying her clothes, shoes, paying for gymnastics, taking her on holidays or buying her birthday and christmas presents. I provide her with stability, routine and un-conditional love, all of which she doesn't have an issue with. I took SD for a haircut 12 months ago and it had been so long that her mum had seen her she didn't even notice. I don't care how mum feels. I care about SD

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Yes, I understand this. But realize that you need to let this go for the sake of your SD. It is really, really traumatizing to witniss your mother flip her shit this young, and to feel like you did something wrong by allowing your hair to be cut by, yes, a woman you love, but a woman your mother hates.

For the sake of your SD, don't put her in the middle of this. Tell the dad to do those things and your SD will be both taken care of and not have to go through her mother's crazy,

herewegoagain's picture

I honestly do not understand the need of stepmothers to cut take their skids to get haircuts. Men usually don't give a rat's ass, so it is obviously coming from a woman. It is what it is. I would be pissed off too. Sorry, believe me I hardly ever am on the BM side, but I honestly just don't get it. There are SO MANY issues with the BM that already occur, I can't imagine why anyone would make more issues...

AllinThisTogether4's picture

The Stepparent should never take over the job of haircuts. Never. Why did her hair need to be cut so badly?

B22S22's picture

Eh, I don't know if I have feelings about it one way or the other. As one of the other poster's said... hair grows back. But I do realize this is one hot topic on these boards.

But let me ask this, simply because I'm curious... you said BM sees your SD every 2/3 weeks, sometimes they're canceled or cut short. How many times has BM taken SD to get her hair cut?

In some situations it's a double-edged sword. SM or Biodad wait and wait and wait for BM to do the haircut, only to be ignored or be subjected to some ranting about not being able to afford it (queue request for $ for said haircut). But if SM or Biodad take it upon themselves (after waiting and waiting, etc) they're lambasted for ursurping the BM's maternal rights.

Cruella de Ville's picture

I am the only one who has ever taken her to the hairdressers, maybe dad did before I came on the scene. Every morning before school dad gets her dressed and I'm in charge of hair. It's been that way since the day she started school. It's our 'thing' her hair was down to her waist sovI had it trimmed. Nothing else. I'm trying to put myself in the BMs shoes but there are better more appropriate ways of handling issues. SD loves her BM and there will come a day when she just won't put up with her when she acts like a fruit bat

Cruella de Ville's picture

I used to get my beautiful long hair chopped short every school holidays I went to stay with my grandmother...I resented her for years until I found out (as an adult) that it was actually my mums idea

Cruella de Ville's picture

Trust me, he's ready to drop her in the middle of Bass Strait, but we're not dealing with a rational person here...we've learnt it's better just to ride the waves of bi-polar and not poke the rabid dog

PolyMom's picture

I completely agree with this. When dealing with mental illness, there is nothing you can ever do that's correct, unless specifically ordered by BM. I had to go against every mothering grain within myself, and just let DH handle it. My job in the mean time was to undo all the bs BM was spouting about me by spending quality time with my SS, also impressionable, to show him not everything said about me is true.

unreal perception's picture

I am a bio dad and took my daughter for a hair cut that she asked for and loved. bio mom proceeded to tell her that "dad messed up your hair" and took her the very next day to "fix" it. Some mom's are RIDICULOUS!! My daughter came back a few days later and said "mom said you messed my hair up". It is very difficult to repair the negativity feed to a child by their moms who are essentially their primary examples of the world they live in. Needless to say, I, even as the bio dad will no longer take her for haircuts no matter how raggedy it gets. just stop the cut and move on.

counseling.advocate's picture

I am not a crazy BM, but no one touches my sons hair but ME. If his future SM did, I'd definitely say something to dad. I don't think I'd flip out, but it's my job. I wanted to grow my son's hair and comb it into a cute boy style with gel or mousse, but DS said that his dad said he was going to cut it like HIS, which is pretty much BALD! So... I buzz it how I like it and that is that.

However with my SDs... their mom wants it long. So she NEVER ever ever ever cuts it. So it starts to look really unhealthy. My MIL will start getting pissed and get permission from BM and BM will say fine but only 2 inches! She will get 2 inches cut, I am there to confirm, but crazy BM will freak out and IT LOOKS HORRIBLE!!!! THAT IS LIKE 4 OR 5 INCHES!!!!! YOU ARE NEVER DOING THAT AGAIN!!!! bullshit..

Just dont mess with her hair... It's a BM's job.

mlcb7's picture

I would just like to say that you are ABSOLUTELY not in the wrong to get her haircut as long as you have your FH permission. Because you two have majority custody and you are both capable of making those decisions together then you are not in the wrong. If the BM had made it clear or verbalized that she would like to take care of haircuts from the start and you went against her wishes without asking her first then I could see why she would be upset... but I don't feel that that is the case in this scenario.

On that note, With the FH permission I trimmed my step daughters bangs this past weekend because they were in her eyes and she couldn't see. She kept rubbing her eyes because the hair was poking her. This is something I have been doing for months now because her BM doesn't take her to get a hair cut and the last time she trimmed her bangs she butchered them. Long story short the BM ended up calling the cops after blowing up my FH's cell phone about me trimming her bangs. I had confronted her and told her we needed to talk and create a better means of communication because this was not a healthy relationship for the SD and it was hurting her. I told her that I wasn't trying to fight with her but that I wanted what was best for SD. she accused me of harassing her and called the cops after trying to tell me how me and the FH would never work out. The cop showed up at our door and let us know that I was not in the wrong and that we are allowed to cut her hair if we want to and we do not need her permission. He told me I handled the situation in the right way and was not harassing her. After talking to the BM the cop expressed his concerns about her new living situation (that she refused to tell us about even though it's court ordered) and the cop is now filing with CPS about her new place and her mental health...

Karma will always catch up to these people and it serves her right for calling the cops!

Rags's picture

Time for total custody and to get this crazy POS BM completely out of this kids life and your and DH's life too.

misSTEP's picture

Some BMs are total nutcases.

I never did anything with my SD's hair but we also didn't have primary custody. I DID once get her a kit with all sorts of different hair things for her beautiful long hair. The next visit, her hair was very short. Coincidence? I doubt it.

We noticed that SD was having problems seeing. DH notified BM. BM told SD that "if your dad thinks you need your eyes checked, he needs to take you himself!" DH did (even though we lived in an area where they weren't open on the weekends and had to drive 45 miles to get somewhere that was open). SD picked out her frames. BM freaked out and went back to the place to get the frames SHE wanted. Then she had the damn place bill US for it.

Then when she was going through puberty, I asked DH to get her a training bra or ask BM to do it since I had a boy who was only a few years older than her and I didn't feel comfortable with her poking out like that.

Nothing happened. I asked again. Nothing happened.

I asked SD if she wanted to go shopping and get a training bra. She seemed excited about it. Except...when we moved, I found the bras we bought stuffed between the mattress and box spring, tags still on them.

My DH once bought SD a very beautiful necklace with her birthstone in it for her bday. BM happened to call her to see (grill her on) what she got. She told her. I'm not sure what BM said but SD said, "NO! It's really PRETTY. I love it." Well, guess what? She never wore it after that.

The craziest part of all? She wasn't like that with SS at all. I have no real explanation why. Bitches be crazy.