Step Talk

you are not alone! I just found this site yesterday, and to be reading all of these somehow makes me feel better. To know i am not the only one to go through this! First off, your husband is completely wrong, the children need to adjust to the situation how it is going to be, not hurt you by trying to "paint a picture" for the children of how it used to be at b-days etc. Children are resilliant, and will adjust to what they have to, but the adults here are dragging out there situation longer than it needs to be. They are giving the children false hope that their family will be O.K. Your husband needs to stand up to his beeatch EX and demand respect for you from her and his children, if he does not have the balls to do this, maybe he is not ready to move on without her. i hate to say it, but for your sanity you have to be completely honest with yourself. I have had a 7-year battle with my husbands EX and HIS family - although we sound to be opposite, i am the down to earth no make-up or fashion kind of women and his EX is the fake boob perfect tan make-up and fashion kind - his family and EX deemed me not good enough within the first 2-months of our relationship and it has been a battle ever since - his family even goes to court with HER and tells my bonus son to be mean to our son together - almost every post i have read so far - its all about the EX-beeatchs being vindictive and hurting their own children for their own gains - why don't these women look in the mirror and see what they are doing? just talk to your husband and get the real truth, and if he thinks you are too sensitive, maybe its time to find a man compassionate enough to understand you as you are, hell, maybe thats why his EX really was unhappy - maybe ya'll have more in common than you think!

What is it that you want from life? Is this relationship providing this for you? What do you want for the future?

It sounds as though this relationship has turned you inside out and upside down...you are doubting yourself, feel bad about yourself and everything else. Yet, you are probably an amazing person. Don't let this happen to you. Try some counselling to get your priorities in life sorted out and the first priority is you! I've been there and things can be better...you can get this sorted out for yourself!

my story is a little different but the feelings are and have always been the same. I remember I use to be pretty happy and carefree before I met my DH and his kids. I met him and thought how great someone who has kids too and they live with him so he will understand how it is to not be able to run out on the spare of the moment. Well it was more like hey here are my kids, thanks. He plays in band part time and I get stuck with his kids it started off with a couple times a month and now it's more like four days a week. I have no life, I recently went on antianxiety medicine to help me control my irritabilty and I still feel just a miserable about my situation as I did after the first few months of us being together. I unfortunatly got pregnant soon after we met and felt like I had no choice. Although, his kids were pretty accepting of me and he has never allowed me to feel like an outsider. I still end up feeling like a jerk. I would say talk to your fiance and let him know what you need him to change and let him know it's time for the kids to adjust because kids are really resilliant and had he gone about things differently from the beginning they would be fine with things now. Don't sacrifice your happiness believe me it's not worth it.

You need to get out! Maybe then he will listen to you and things will change. Remember this, "if you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you've always gotten". As of now he deals with your complaints the same way, he gets mad. You need to make a move to show you are serious. If he values you then he will make amends once he thinks he's lost you. If he doesn't try, then you know where you really stand in his life, and you can move on. Life is too short to be unhappy, and it sounds to me like he isn't going to change until he knows he has to.

All you have to do is add up all the years he's treated you as less than an equal partner in the family, all the times he's ditched you and put the kids ahead of you, all the times he's allowed you to become a target for his ex-wife and what does that all add up to you? If he doesn't treat you well now, he isn't going to treat you any better if you marry him. I personally think you've already wasted too much time on this guy, but in his defense, men are kind of dense. You can put your relationship with your wife first, make it a real priority, and the children benefit from that. All he's doing them is showing them how to keep two dysfunctional relationships running at the same time. I think if it were me, I'd try to get HIM into couples counseling so that he can be given permission to have a life beyond his children, because sometimes men just don't get that it's okay to do that. They think that have to go by an ex-wife's idea of what is "best for the kids," rather than what he thinks is best. You know, we do have to make the children a priority and do what is best for them, but the best thing for them is not an unhappy, dysfunctional parent. It's okay to remarry, to be happy with someone else, to integrate another adult into their lives, etc. Sometimes they just need to get permission to do it. Maybe a good couples counselor can show him that while his intentions are good, he's really doing more harm than good... not just for his kids, but also for himself and you. And if he doesn't take to that idea, well, I'd show him the door.

~ Anne ~

It was our first year of marriage. I felt really hopeless, and like a fool. The four years that we courted, I went to college, I helped him run a business (while working full time somewhere else and attending school), and I helped him finally get a parenting plan over his son (they were never married, so there was no divorce decree). Then, our beautiful wedding came, and right after, my feelings came crashing down...

I discovered that my sil was only pretending to be my friend prior to the wedding, and I learned after our wedding that she really didn't like me at all, she was only being nice to me b/c I benefitted her (how dumb was I?), not to mention she was the maid of honor at our wedding. I was told by my sil "I didn't congratulate you at the wedding b/c I was happy for my brother, I even wasn't happy for you..". I thought she and I were such close friends and then I hear this. And all of my in-laws rubbed in my face how my then 8 year old ss said some mean things to me at our wedding. My dh and I bought and gave a bracelet to my ss at our wedding, promising him we would do our best to be good parents to him...later at the reception, he told all my in-laws he wanted to scratch my name off the bracelet. I can't verbally describe the horrible sinking feeling I had hearing that my ss said something mean like that about me (fyi- I was the one raising him while his mother was at the bars...)

Meanwhile, my dh put his head in the sand, and not once defended my honor with either of his dysfunctional family or his ill mannered child. I can't tell you how much work I invested in my marriage, wedding, dh's business, raising his child...etc..and then for me to be the target of not just his ex gf, but his family too, and then no back up or any type of support. I was told "this is your problem." I was so hurt. I cried for months. I felt used.

I found a therapist to help me first, and then he helped both of us. The unfortunate part about my dh, is that he is dysfunctional and sometimes doesn't put his wife's needs as a high priority...like feeling valued. I also don't speak up as soon as I need to, I explode. I also beat a dead horse into the ground. I'm very grateful that I found a good therapists, b/c if I didn't, I probably would not be married, and I wouldn't be this fulfilled. Even though I have some complaints about my dh, he has the biggest heart, and is really a wonderful husband.

So to answer some of your questions...yes, I have felt the hopeless feelings you describe, I have felt like my dh married me b/c he was using me, I have felt like I was a big target and everyone was picking on me, and no one was willing to stand up for me.

Do my in-laws still speak disrespectfully of me? Yes. Is my ss still ill mannered? Yes, and he does still talk trash about me with my in-laws, and his mothers' side of his fam. The difference in how I handle it today vs. 4 years ago, relates to how I feel about myself.

I found a good therapist, and he helped me learn to toughen up my skin, so that when my ill intended in-laws say negative things about me, it just rolls off my back now. He also gives me insight on why kids do and say the mean things they do...and at first, I was just like you, I was so tired of hearing..."but they are just kids." or "they take their anger out on you b/c they can...your the evil step-mom." Which I think is total bullshit, but...I just one day realized I can't change this situation (how in-laws, ex gf, or ss behaves), so I might as well accept it. And now, when they talk trash, I just remind myself that I'm not the bad person they are trying make me out to be, and I just don't value their opinion anymore.

Like Anne said...I did the math...how much fun was my dh to be with, and how much time did he force me to be around his family? I get his attention 365 days a year, they get his maybe 5 days a year. So, I give myself a lot of distance from his fam, and I share my dh the best way I can. My dh is a lot of fun, and he has learned to support me, and he also has been distancing himself from his family. He may not defend my honor with his fam...but I remind myself...you can't reason with insanity.

In regards to the kids, it's a tough field sometimes. I have learned to not take ss's words so seriously, and I also have withdrawn from him. When he is mean, I don't do as much for him. When he is nice, I will do nice things for him. I totally had to toughen up my skin in regards to my ss. I also reward myself too, I don't wait for my dh to say.."thanks for all your hard work..here are some flowers.." I go buy myself things I want to reward myself.

Sorry you are going through these feelings. I hope I helped you in some way. Sorry for writing a book about it..

Bests,
Candice

Is this the kind of Love that you longed for? That you to spend the rest of your life enjoying. Oh wait, you're not enjoying it.

The more I hear some of your stories, the more I realize how special my relationship is with him.

Kids are much more reazilant then some parents give them credit for.
Anne said it well, he is running 2 dysfunctional families.

Some men just don't understand the beauty of divorce.

I fear you are not being respected as you should. Think long and think hard. Life is to short.

Best thoughts.

And that's the truth...We teach people how to treat us. I made a vow not to ever get treated like a non-entity again and to get thick skinned! Honestly, I felt like crying when I read some of the earlier posts. Reminded me of how last Christmas, my fiance hugged me goodbye Christmas morning leaving me crying alone (my BD was at her dad's) while he spent the morning with his exwife and three kids at their old house.... I was not invited cause 1) ex wife wasn't comfortable with my being there and 2) kids who didn't know me THAT well yet, wanted Christmas to always be the way it was for them w/o Dad's fiance. (Even though he was divorced six years, he still spent holidays and birthdays together as a "family.") Well, truthfully, I regret not giving him the ring back that day. It would have spoke volumes. Instead I sucked it up and tried to be understanding of the situation. I did not even get to celebrate the holidays with my future stepkids. I couldn't share in the joy of watching them open presents from us...It was insane! DH realizes it now too looking back and the future occasions will be different. I will be there with bells on!! So the only thing I can say it tomorrow is a new day. Decide what is acceptable and what is not.

And yes stepfathers have it made. My daughter adores my husband! He hasn't had one bad day with her. She makes him cards, kisses him good night every night...When my sks are over, they only kiss their dad goodnight and wave to me. Someday I may grab them and say "What am I chopped liver?" I'll give it more time. One Day at a Time.

Hang in there..you got us when you need us!

Thanks everyone for making me feel not alone. all of the incidents i had explained in my last post happened the first 1.5 years of our relationship. were in year 3 now. My fiance has since seen 2 counselers and he no longer celebrates holidays with the ex. and he has told her a million times to back off. As far as making me feel like part of things. he does try- NOW anyways. plus he NEVER pawns off the kids on me like some of the men ive heard about. he comes home and makes dinner so i can work, he does all the kids homework and always does what they need so im not overwhelmed or obligated to take care of them. He allows me to do stuff for them when i want to or choose to and not becuase im expected to.for that i am grateful.

i guess my problem is that i cant forget the past. how do you remember being left alone on a holiday or just having your feelings and opinions ignored for 2 years. things are different now for the most part but i cant forget those things and i NEED to so im not so angry. im angry he put the kids first for so long. i feel my feelings counted too. i never asked that he neglect them but ive given up alot to take his two kids in and i feel like i deserved more then i was given.

Trying to forget is my first problem, and the other problem is the rollercoaster feeling. perfect relationship when the kids are gone and when they return we barely get a chance to hang out cuz they follow him around constantly and if he manages to have some time alone IM asked "wheres daddy" 500 times. and were all on edge as to what the 5 year old might say that will hurt me because i take it so hard. i wish i could develope a thick skin because my fiance is truley a wonderful person. hes just so terrified of being a bad dad -that he sometimes is a bad fiance, a tad neglectful cuz he puts so much energy into making sure they are taken care of...i wish he took that kind of energy and put it into me sometimes.

so youve all asked me what i want. every year that goes by things get better. he has tried, he has seen counselors, he's told his ex to back off. BUT. when i get down becuase someone doesnt include me or i feel like an outside he just gets angry and doesnt feel bad for me. he feels like the kids DO like me and include me and that im just overreacting..which may be true, but it still hurts my feelings and i feel like everything ive done for the kids is worthless becuase they say things that kind of give the impression they could care less if i were around or they just plain forget about me or dont think twice about me. im not sure i will every really not feel like an outside given the circumstances that i have no kids and i live with him and his 2 kids and because their mother is such an influential part of their life, it just feels like theres really no place for me or need for me when it comes to the kids.. and my fiance acts like its no big deal and i shouldnt worry...but he also wants me to care about them becuase we are a family. so how do you care for them one minute then ignore the comments or incinuations that your not neededor particuallry cared about one way or the other. i feel like its one way. you either care or you dont care. you cant care at just the good times then not care when they are not including you. you know? I mean if someone can help me as to how to develope that thick skin ive been told i need, pleas eoffer suggestions. because when all is well, my life is very happy. but the minute one of the kids says "Daddy,i wish you were with mommy" or something like that, i break and i feel miserable for like 5 days. and i feel like i get no support from my fiance when those times happen.

even biokids have times when they act like they don't care much....especially in the teen years so some of this might be normal. In terms of biomom's influence in their lives, she will always have a presence, some more prominent than other times. As for the conflict with biomom or the kid's wishing their Daddy was with their Mommy...that is all normal. Remember if it wasn't for some degree of conflict between mom and dad, they would still be together and you would not have been part of the picture. It is not a thick skin that you need to develop but a self confidence, an identity of who you are and an importance in life as an individual, even without ties to BF.

ever really goes away. I have an awesome relationship with both my stepsons. I know that they love me & that more importantly they like me. They know that I love their daddy very much and that I love them. But sometimes when the youngest is sad he has told us that he wishes mommy & daddy still lived together. On the flip side they have told me they are glad mom & dad are divorced because they fought all the time. Bottom line is that they know that their dad is happier with me & that their mom is happier with her BF but it is hard to not have both parents there all the time.

Do you have to have fiance address that, can't you say something to them? I have told ss when he has said that, that divorce is tough and wishing his parents were still together is natural, but he knows why that isn't possible & that mom & dad fight less & are happier. I also told him that as much as I love daddy that I wish for his & his brothers sakes that things could have been different. But this is how it is & he just has more people to love & care about him than some kids.

My ss's have a good mother & I never try to be there mom. Maybe that is the key. When they are with me or at our house I am the step mom, the woman in charge. Their father has always told them what I say goes and they know that. I believe we can have authoruty w/o having to be the mom. I have told them I think of it like this. Mom is like their teacher at school and I am like one of the aides. They have to listen to me & I am their to help out in their raising.

Everyone benefits from it!

Sweetthing....that is the same attitude I got from my BM and SM and I could not have asked for anything better. It enabled me to love and care for both without guilt, shame, or fear. Even though I knew my parents weren't getting back together the fantasy was there at times but the reality was different and easier because of the adults and how they handled it. Thanx for being a good SM and giving those boys what they need!
Trinity

I really try. Actually I feel like I am succeeding. Oldest SS told me yesterday for the first time he loved me in the morning before school. ( I have always known that he loved me..he has just never said the words) Also when I arrived at Ycare to get the boys yesterday the girl there congratulated me on being pregnant. Turns out the boys were telling the ycare people we are having a baby & how excited they were. I said how lucky I am that they are so excited & told her how each week we go on line to see what our baby is doing and that they boys are going with when we have the sex determination ultrasound. She told me that the boys really like me and are always saying good things about their step mom. It made my day!

You guys are all correct. I know alot of what the kids say is very normal- when they say they want mommy and daddy together. its just such a roller coaster for me. One day life is great, the kids and I get along wonderful. I like being with them and doing things for them. Then someone will say something bad and it kills me. and I feel so alone. Yes its partly me- IVe always had low self esteem and I have no idea why and things bug me more then the average person. BUT heres what I dont get. The kids say alot, "so and so said this at school to another kid and that was bad and not nice cuz it hurt their feelings". If they can recognize that, how can they not recognize when THEY say something mean to ME that hurts MY feelings? How can you understand one but not the other? This is what i dont get and am wishing i could understand.

I mean, if this is true and they really CANT get that something they say hurts me then at what age will they be accountable and understand it? Because I am anxiously awaiting the day that I dont have to hear"there just kids, they dont know better". the excuse has been thrown in my face so many times its aggravating me. I feel like what gives them the right to say stuff that upsets me. If it were my bio kids and they said something that upset my new husband or their halfsiblings I would definately address it . Not necessarily yell or punish or anything, but i feel like alot of kids today have a lack of manners and arent held accountable for anything. i dont see the harm in letting them expres their emotions but if what they say makes for a car full of tension, my fiance nervous im gonna get upset, me trying not to cry, I think it somehow has to be addressed. who knows? maybe i am wrong.

As far as bio mom, I NEVER ever try to take Bio moms place. I dont want to either. I am quite comfortable now in my role. I lost the initial fantasy i had of gaining two wonderful kids that loved me like a biomom. Now im more realistic- I compare my role as that of a teacher, a grandparent or an aunt. Respect me and my things and I'm here to help when you need it. It would be great to get love or affection but if they never love me thats ok as long as we get along most of the time and understand I am the adult and should be treated as an adult and a caregiver. I even told the kids when we told them we were getting married that they could call me by my fist name like they do now or "mom" whatever is most comfortable for them. i also said.."maybe we should leave the word mommy for your real mom since thats a special name to you guys". I ALWAYS try to stress im not trying to take her place and i always respect her in front of the kids, eventhough the woman makes me want to pull my hair out. Shes got the "disneyland parent" syndrom. She buys EVERYTHING for them and takes them everywhere. Shes so involved in their life that sometimes she forgets that 50% of the time they live with us and its our responsibility to take care of them and to back off. She schedules stuff on our days, Also,if she and my fiance agree on a plan for say after school activities and whether or not they need this or that...she USUALLY does what she wants even after they agree on something else. its frustrating. And that I KNOW. is 100% my fiances fault for not telling her to back off. I try to stay out of it between those two as I believe my contact with her needs to only be cordial at events for the kids and maybe an email here or there regarding clothes, or other day to day things that I myself take care of. I told my fiance that if he continues to switch days with her so the kids can do stuff she'll never respect our time and our wants. HE needs to stop it. But he is a down to earth guy who feels like its not gonna solve anything if he gets angry. But I believe that although they parent the kids together, they need to respect eachothers time and opinions (if htey are rational).

So basically, i realize and feel that although ive been to 2 psrinks, on antidepressants and feel stressed to the max that it has gotten better which is why i stay. AND my fiance does try. hes seen doctors on his own and the last year or so hes made a good effort at always keeping me involved with the kids and trying to make me feel not isolated. its just the past that keeps clouding my head. i wish he was the way he his is now in the beginning but i realize he to was going through alot back then too and didnt know the best way to deal with things. he was trying to make everyone happy but couldnt. unfortunately i ended up being the easiest to hurt and usually taking last place as far as feelings being considered and although mentally i realize he was merely adapting to divorce and parenting on his own, while trying to form a new bond with me-it still hurts to think back to those times.Its hard to believe a person could love you but could do all those things- disregard your feelings, leave you out etc. But he does none of those things now...so i feel like maybe he did love me even though all that happened- but i feel like i would never have done that sort of stuff to him if the roles were reversed and that makes me question if he really loved me or not. maybe thats the difference between woman and men. i just wish i could forget all that.

I also wish that when we had hard times now that he was more patient with me. im a firecracker and i dont make it easy for him either so im partly to blame. Someone asked how long weve been engaged..I believe we got engaged in October and were getting married June 16 of this year. Id love to say all my problems were fixed before we did it. but its a long haul and I know blended families take years and years to form(weve been together 3 years).... and it has been getting better everymonth that goes by...we just have been married before and have a tendency to compare the two marriages to our relationship now. Because we do alot of fighting now and we didnt fight a whole lot in our previous marriages it appears on the surface were unstable and it scares us a bit. BUT blended families are a roller coaster ride and stressful and we try to remember that we didnt have those factors in the other marriages. The more i read the more i realize its soooo normal how i feel and what happens. and it makes me able to keep going. its just hard to give yourself to two kids who are so hot and cold and love you one second and dont want you around the next. and its hard to get so mad at them inside (i never let them see it) then feel so guilty about feeling that way the next time they act nice to me. rollercoaster.

If I knew then what I know/have gone through now, I would have never married a man with children. The BM is a pain in my A** and the SD feeds on all of it to get what she wants and to hurt her dad.

When the kids say things that are hurtful, I 've been there so I know, does anyone address it? I use to tread lightly there but my DH always corrected her or made her see that she was being insensitive. I now will call her on things, she is only 5 1\2, but I think it is important that they understand. I rarely hear it any more. It has gotten better. Someone once told me in one of my first posting that I had to toughen up and you know what they were right.

I think I was like you, went into it thinking it was going to be perfect. wrong! far from it. So I lowered my expectations, got better with myself(still working on that), focused more on the good, and thickened my skin.

I usually tell people who are entering a relationship with a man wiht kids to think twice about doing it. It is so much harder than a "regular" relationship. You have to work so much harder. Now I have a child and have to make this work. I don't want my children to go through this or my SD to come from two divorced families.

BM (is that biomom or bowel movement) is a pain in the butt (no pun intended) and always will be there and she will never go away. 20, 30, 40 years from now she will still be here are you prepared for a life time of this?

Good Luck

I call her on it, I just tell her she is very disrespectful to her father and if she is wanting something at the time she is being disrespectful she doesn't get that something.

does BF mean Boyfriend or Bio father? I get confused with some of the abbrev.

Its interesting hearing the perspective from women. Sadly sometimes its not any easier as a step father than it is as a step mother. You still deal with the exs. Sometimes both yours and hers. Step kids can have problems and it effects both step mothers and step fathers alike.

Life sucks at times.

I'm glad I came across this page. I have been dating a man for 3 years and lived with him for almost 2. He has 3 children who we have 4 nights a week and every other Sat. and Sun. The boys are 12 and 10 and the girl is 5. It was rough at first, but now the boys and I are fine. The 5 yr old girl has always been close to me but when I moved in with them, she still slept in the same bed with us. So we weaned her off that; however, he had to get her to sleep and then come to bed. Well now it feels like he is backtracking - she has to have him in her room to play her video game or watch tv with her. He now spends almost every evening that she is with us in her room (not usually too bad on weekends). Then he comes into our room at 3 or 4 in the morning, if he even comes back to our room and then I am awake and can't get back to sleep. She usually follows in about an hour or two so I am awake again. He can go to sleep in a second and sleep through anythingm I can't, so of course I get mad. He is a slob, so while I am cleaning, doing laundry, etc. he is usually in her room or our room sleeping. I've told him it would be different if he was spending quality time with her but he usually falls asleep watching whatever she is watching. For the last month, he falls asleep and I am left to deal with the boys and make them go to bed, shower, etc. I don't mind because they aren't bad kids, just have to be told several times to do something and they've made the comment that they can stay up later because Dad won't know because he is asleep. They have even made comments about him being in her room all the time. I've told him and he makes an effort to do more with the boys. My major gripe is, when they kids are not there, we of course, spend time together, but when they are, I am an outcast. I never know what we are doing for dinner, when nights change with their Mom, I don't know until the last minute, if the kids have to go somewhere i never know until they are going sometimes, etc. I usually go to my room between cleaning, doing laundry, etc. so he says when I get in my moods, he just leaves me alone. I tell him I get in moods because I'm left out. When I complain about how messy the house is he just says they will try better, but they never do. They take after their Dad with their sloppiness. I feel like a maid who isn't important. I want some of the affection and love that he shows his 5 year old daughter. I don't want to resent her but when she is at our house she rules. He caters to her every need. She and I have a good relationship, but I'm tired of feeling left out by him. He has made comments that I have a problem with her. I do in a way, but I don't want to. I just want to be not left out just because the kids are with us. He wants to get married but I won't yet. Any suggestions?

Why wouldn't he want to marry you? You're a live-in maid/nanny/bed-partner/etc. When I got with my Fiance, I did everything around the house. EVERYTHING. When we were starting out, I would go over there, and he would cook and do everything else while I sat around and talked to him. He would do all the laundry once a week on the weekends, or every other weekend. When we moved in to a house together, I took over. I told him that he has been in charge of everything for so long, that he deserves a break. For a while. Eventually, we will do 50/50. They are, after all, his responsibility. Well, a year later and a half later, I was still doing everything around the house. EVERYTHING. It took him leaving and us fighting all the time for me to finally tell him how things will be when he comes back.

He wants to buy a house and marry and have a baby. I want a long engagement, He wants a short one. I laughed and told him that if things don't shape up when he comes back, I'm gone. He's got a month when he gets back to show me that things will change. I refuse to be a servant anymore. I know that I did it to myself, but I thought eventually it would end. Maybe I was trying too hard to be noble.

The kids are extremely messy. I have managed to contain that to some degree. When he comes back, there will be a reckoning. I will have had six months to stew and plot and plan.

No more cooking, laundry, dishes, mopping, anything. When you want to leave, leave. Want to go shopping? Go. You have nothing there holding you back. It's not your job to babysit his kids. If he wants you to play a role in their lives, then that means that you need to be involved in all aspects of their lives, rewards and punishments included.