We have not seen my boyfriend's daughter since the last huge explosion last year. If you remember, her mother tries to run her house and our house. I used to welcome her into our home for her daughter's sake, but that backfired. You see, my boyfriend has been divorced from his ex-wife since their daughter was 4 (she is now 16). The mother and daughter have manipulated my boyfriend for a long time - he used to mow her lawn, shovel the driveway, the ex-wife still attends all family functions on my boyfriend's side of the family "because she has been in the family for a long time"... The daughter refuses to live by the rules of our house and mommy runs to the rescue every time her father tries to discipline or set rules. The daughter doesn't mind if I am in their lives, but not in my boyfriend's family functions because mom feels uncomfortable. You get the picture - I'm the outsider.
My boyfriend made the mistake of calling the ex-wife to ask when she was going to be able to take the furniture that was my boyfriend's mother and he is passing them down to his daughter. The ex-wife proceeded to ask his assistance in finding a plumber, finding a person to remodel her bathroom and the proceeded to complain about how she got the daughter and he "got the better end of the deal - me". First of all, he misses not seeing his daughter. Second of all, we aren't allowed to have a relationship unless mommy is running the show... She then showed up at our house 15 minutes after she hung up the phone with a tape measure and measured the furniture, told him she would probably be able to accept the furniture sometime next week, but she would let him know and she only wanted to take certain pieces.
The following day, she called him again to tell him about how she caught the daughter lying about a boy she was not allowed to see anymore...
I got upset with my boyfriend for opening Pandora's box. I am somewhat jealous, but she really shouldn't be calling upon him for household problems - I understand the issues with his daughter, but after all, she created the problem, she should solve it...
She also suggested that my boyfriend have breakfast or do something alone with his daughter because she is so against our relationship. Excuse me, we have been together for almost 4 years, she is not 4 years old, my daughter has to accept that we are together (she is 17 and I left my x-husband 5 years ago and it was extremely hard on my daughter), why shouldn't her daughter be made to understand she is not going to dictate her father's life.
Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.
It sounds to me
like the all together connection is strange with the family after so long.
Ex-Wife needs to get her own life and find her own handy man.. Its very annoying and insensitive to you. Any of us actually.
I am very confused on the part of just because you have kids with someone why the "I own him" syndrome sets in. I do not understand that at all.
Your husband needs to short and frank with her on what they will discuss. And I think as far as him spending time with his daughter one and one that is fine but maybe it should be his terms not hers. And I also agree his daughter needs to deal with reality. Reality is you are with him. End of discussion. You are not going away so that is that..
There I said what I had to .. I hope I helped..
happy
Get a pen & draw the line.
The kid problems, yeah I understand, to a point. Sound like we have a similar BM. She lets the girls do want ever they want, then complains to BF when they get out of hand, then the girls think he's some kind of hard ass. But what ever. At least we get to talk to the girls to help explain things.
The f'en house problems. Oh no. If the house burnt down, then ok. But the lawn, the plumbing, remodeling. Hell no!
The family functions!!! Are you kidding me!!! I'm so mad I can't even talk!
'First wife returns', sounds like she never LEFT!!
I'm sorry, that just burnt me up. Hang in there lady!
Yellow Pages
Gosh, I wish I could honestly say the thoughts I think...When our ex called to ask who my husband used years ago last time "their" tree fell down...and she thought maybe he could call them and have them go over...I thought.."Whoa Lady....haven't you heard of Yellow Pages?" But, I can't say it. Our ex is really a nice person. Clueless I think...or maybe not...who knows??
did you say
"our" ex, bonus wife -- I say that sometimes, "my" ex wife, so that makes me laugh. So true!
Ever hear the phrase "step wife"?
OMG I don't feel so bad now, MY "step wife" attends every family event (Christmas, etc, so far, and didn't last year but probably will now that it has been shown that I can play nice and will keep it zipped and won't "cause problems")-
because of this very excuse "the ex-wife still attends all family functions on my boyfriend's side of the family "because she has been in the family for a long time"... " *SCREAM!!* I HATE that...you're divorced, MOVE ON, please!!!! (On but there are kids involved, even though said kids are grown up and it's not like they need MOMMY to DRIVE them...WHATEVER!)
Only in my case it's husband; there *is* an event coming up that I swear if she shows up at his family will move even higher up on my sh*t list...this is an event that does NOT center around the kids and in my opinion has no business being there...DH will not invite her (he'd better f*cking not)...but my inlaws might...so we'll see...
And then to make it worse my DH says things like "oh, I know you don't like to hear this but she's really not a bad person, she's a sweet woman..." well, okay, yeah, she was real sweet when she was a total bitch to me the first two occasions we met; she was real sweet when she ran you so into debt that you barely made it check to check and only NOW are living well thank GOD, she was real sweet when she was talking to a member of YOUR family in VERY PERSONAL details about sex with some new man she was seeing...oh yeah, sweet as hell, don't you agree?
Oh yes, but, did I mention The Divorce Was Amicable?? *footstomp* - SPARE ME PLEASE, THAT MAKES ME WANT TO F*CKING VOMIT!!
Oh, but she's so...*gag* SWEET!...WHATEVER.
However, anymore I have found it MORE than beneficial to me to keep it zipped, when he says that instead of tearing his face off when he starts with that sh*t, I just shrug, smile...and he is just SO pleased that "we can get along" and "she went out of her way to be nice to us at Christmas" and "got us presents..." ... I wanted to slap him and scream WELL HOW MIGHTY F*CKING WHITE OF HER...(no offense to anyone here with that statement...) - so well of course he is pleased, no animosity...which really is FAR better for me, happier DH, happier stepd's, everybody wins, except for the fact that I may have to see HER at every damn family event...and I could be wrong, if she does NOT show up I'll feel better about things...
I mean I don't give a sh*t about seeing her at holidays, I got through THAT, and I don't give a sh*t if she wants to see her ex inlaws on her own time, I can't control that, but events that WE are at that do NOT center around the daughters and are NOT a major holiday she needs, in my opinion, to stay the hell away from.
Wow, there goes Fearless on a tangent, huh...getting back to the subject at hand -
Seriously I'm beginning to think that Divorce Guilt should be listed in the AMA journal as a real mental DISEASE, seems like most men DEFINITELY HAVE IT, and this is why they don't draw these serious boundary lines that need to be drawn! Your BF needs to sit down with his daughter and explain you are here to say and the mother needs to get over it and BF needs to lay what IS and what ISN'T accpetable to her, in my opinion.
Happy, I'm with you-I don't know why women with kids develop "I own him" and may I add "AND HIS FAMILY" syndrome and I CAN'T understand for the LIFE of me why the HELL she would want to watch her ex husband with a new woman...honestly, I don't get it, is she that much of a masochist?? Especially since she still has (or had, I don't know) feelings for him still? I don't understand it...events centered around the kids, yes, and MAYBE holidays but the last time I checked DIVORCE meant YOU GO YOUR SEPARATE WAYS...now for the sake of the kids I grit my teeth and bear it...but I think it's the wrongest thing I've ever witnessed in my LIFE.
But for the sake of my relationships I just smile, smile, smile and realize it's a small price to pay for my wonderful life with my DH, stepdaughters that love me, etc...okay so I have to put up with HER sometimes...maybe eventually she'll meet someone else ... I can only hope.
Sorry to go off the deep end, ladies, but my DH ain't home and it's better for me to rage here than to him...!!!
But that is not just her doing, it is his and his family's too
Not everyone feels this way. Personally, I am indifferent about my ex. I don't want him so if someone else wants an angry, alcoholic who does nothing but complain (and he does have a partner who he also complains about bitterly), that is great.
Fearless
your Amicable Divorce rants make me fall off my chair laughing. Sooooooo true. It's a special kind of hell, ain't it
It's so great to hear someone else feeling that way. We should be very proud of us that we are strong enough to SMILE and PLAY NICE the whole damn way. Because It's The Right Thing To Do. Uggghhh. Keep 'em coming!
Same Here....
In fact, I just found out that the BM will probably be at my Sd's show tonight even though she went to all three already this weekend....can't let us enjoy one night alone w/o her at an event. Since the divorce was "amicable" I'm actually contemplating inviting her to sit with us so she doesn't have to sit alone. I don't bite....yet!!!
Bonus Wife
That is very nice of you..
I know with my ex husband he and his family and gf all of them we all went to my kids dance thing at a college and we all sat together and it was actually good. My inlaws came and me and my husband sat there in a row with my ex mom in law and then the rest on down the line.. SO its not bad, but then again I do not sit and talk about the past with my ex or his family. Nor would I..
Now the ex-wife in my husbands case she is different.. She wants to sit pretty much by him and stuff.. and bring up the past.. It just makes me want to say something like yeah he is awesome in bed.. LOL I just can't get rid of my immature thoughts.. But I am wise or wide enough not to say it out loud.. lOL..
Just wanted to comment..
happy
Yes!
Happy, I fantasize about saying just One Little Sentence that would put her in her place and perhaps nip it in the bud so the future can be different. Whats scarey to me is I have that personality that could allow me to actually say it someday....Or I may just come out and say..."****, listen, this is really not appropriate conversation, can we change it please?" Thank you! or I can start bringing up something about my ex to her, and if new hubby squirms...maybe he should know in the future to make sure the conversation with the ex never starts....What do you think? Yes or No?
SO we are one in the same..
Because I like you usually pretty much always speak my mind. Except in this case because you know it would cause all kinds of crap... SO I will just sit back until I get really tired of it.. Then I will call her and speak my peace.. She may not even know she is doing it at all. But then again she is a woman.. And usually we know.. ITs our nature..
I hear you though loud and clear.. I think say it and let her know.. Then you will not have to look around when it does come out and say "Did I do that" quoting Urkel?
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