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I can't stand my BF daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Accordn2L's picture

I have been dating the most wonderful man for 2 years. We recently moved in together and he has 50/50 custody of his 8 year old daughter. I have full custody of my 11 year old daughter. The 50% of the time his daughter is not there is great, no problems, the house is quiet and happy. But the minute he picks that brat up all hell breaks loose. He does not make her do anything for herself, she whines constantly, can't be still, talks over everyone, is messy, and so disrespectful to me and my daughter. Her mother always plays the victim and he is allowing his daughter to do the same thing. I made chore charts for both girls but he doesn't back me up on making his daughter do hers! He makes excuses for everything she does. I've begged him to get her into counseling because after my divorce I did that for my daughter and it was so helpful for her. When his daughter is there I find myself extremely anxious and irritated just by the sound of her whiney ass voice. She screams out DAAADDDDDYYYY all the time and hugs all over him and is just a leach on him the whole time she's there. I've tried to bond with her and I just can't. I do not want to lose him but I am starting to think that is what's going to happen. I mean I hate his kid, I'm so embarrassed that I feel that way too because she is just a kid and her behavior is his and her mother's fault, not her own but I can't stand her! HELP!

wth was I thinking's picture

This behavior is so common. It's so weird (unsettling) how this same dynamic is created over and over. DH had to take some mandatory weekend 'parenting class' when they were going through mediation, I know that's done in other states as well. I really wish they would have a chapter on how to not raise a whiney ass helpless brat with Disney Dad parenting tactics in there.

ETA...

Further musing... Are these kids a product of a particular type of parent/parent dynamic, one that is ultimately doomed to fail? Why is this problem soooo prevalent with step-kids? Maybe I'm looking at the cause/effect backwards in all of this, and people who raise kids this way (BMs and BFs) are not fit for marriage? At least not the first time around, and not after that without some kind of intervention (enter SM...oh joy the responsibilities).

wth was I thinking's picture

I just find it hard to believe that these kids were ever 'normal-ish', and that as soon as parents divorced, they turned into these whiney, helpless, manipulative pain in the ass.

Accordn2L's picture

Echo you are right, I am at fault here because I didn't spend "everyday" time with his daughter while we were dating. Generally we dated when she was with her mother and when I did see her she was on "best behavior". So I will take responsibility for not taking the time to know her better beforehand. I had never dated anyone with children prior to him so I didn't have a lot of experience as far as skids went.

I don't know what my next move is to be honest. I love him, my daughter loves him, the 50% of the time when the SD isn't there is great. But the other 50% basically sucks. My daughter is 11 and even she can't stand her.

cfmommyof3's picture

I love your comment here "Guilt drives parents to be shitty parents"! My FHD lets his ex-wife make him feel so bad about his relationship with their daughter, even though its because of choices she makes and tells the kid it is daddys fault somehow that he feels like he needs to make it up to her all the time which leads to her getting away with a lot more. Not to mention that she has caught on to how to play each parent. Play BM with bullshit made up about dads house so she has something to yell at him for and Play BD with guilt to get her way. And shes only 6! It has taken a lot of talking but I have finally made my FHD see he cant treat the children differently and play into his daughter like that or she WILL end up exactly like her manipulative mother. We also have a son 5 (whom my FHD recently adopted, mine biologically) and we have a 2yr daughter together. I don't want the children growing up to resent each other based off different treatment either.

ncgal1980's picture

The same thing happened to me. I have three stepsons who act just like your BF's daughter. Whiny, needy, clingy (with DH), helpless, and unwilling to do ANYTHING around the house.

DH and I lived separately until after we got married, and I never saw his kids in "normal, everyday" situations. I only saw them a few times and spent a little bit of time with them, and looking back, they were obviously on their best behavior during those times. They relaxed and went back to their default whiny-ass ways after DH and I got married. BOY was that a shock.

I accept the blame 100% for not knowing ahead of time how bad they really are. I should've insisted on spending more everyday, normal time with them. It's too late now, and I'm stuck with them every other week.

I'm not sure what to tell you, other than the fact that disengagement can be a real blessing in situations like this. I disengaged from my skids almost immediately. They are completely DH's responsibility. I don't clean up after them, discipline them, or have much else to do with them. They only acknowledge my presence in the house when they want to try to bark orders at me, so why should I go out of my way to be warm and happy around them, and bend over backwards to accommodate them?

DH and I have had many long, painful talks about my disengagement. He doesn't like it, but it's necessary if we want to try to stay married. We've been married about nine months now.

Trust me, her behavior WON'T get better, especially if your boyfriend doesn't enforce some rules and get tougher with her. DH is finally coming around and toughening up on his kids, but it's a slow, horrible process. Every time they go back to BM's for a week, all the old behaviors are reinforced, and then we basically have to start over again the next week they're with us.

Because of this, my disengagement continues to be necessary. Otherwise, I can't stand being in the same house with them.

I'd look up some information on disengagement. It really could be a life-saver, IF you intend to stay in this relationship.

Accordn2L's picture

ncgal1980, I will read on disengagement but I'm only dating him. He wants to get married but I really think that would just be setting myself up for a second divorce. I mean it's his kid, she will always come first and he is blind to her bratty behavior. She goes back to her mother's every other week and comes back worse and it starts all over. If I ask him to leave I will miss him so much and my heart will be broken but I wouldn't miss her one freaking bit.

ctnmom's picture

Your "wonderful" man is an epically shitty parent. How much of your daughters childhood are you going to waste staying in this situation?

Accordn2L's picture

CTNMOM-that was harsh but you are right, he is a shitty parent. He's raising her to be a helpless victim just like her worthless mother. My daughter and I had been on our own for about 9 years and I have raised her to be strong and self-reliant and I am trying to help him to instill those values in his daughter and all I get is grief and pushback. I guess it's time to take my house back and get them out.

ctnmom's picture

I'm sorry if I was harsh, sometimes it's just easier to get to the point ! lol Take back your house- sounds like a plan. Date him, but don't subject you or your DD to his child. See, if enough people in his life avoid his kid instead of enabling her bad behavior , maybe he'll see the light.

Accordn2L's picture

If I make him and her move out I know he won't continue to date me and what would be the point really? I mean from the postings I'm reading on this forum it seems like the skids only get worse when they becomes teenagers! I'm really not sure how she could get worse but apparently she will from what I'm reading. I do think it's time to take my house back and quit allowing his daughter to upset my home I've worked so hard to have for me and my daughter.

Accordn2L's picture

Echo,

I'm nervous about my 11 year olds teen years and she is a straight A student, tons of friends, involved in sports, scouts, church. His kid is good in school but has no friends. She won't try to do anything. She is 8 and can't swim, can't skate, can't do cartwheels, ride a bike. Hell I just taught her how to tie her own damn shoes! He doesn't see any of this as unusal and just thinks my daughter is more advanced. NO, she is just a child that has been taught to behave and be responsible by a single mother who was taught the same. I feel like I'm beating my head against the wall daily. It's getting to the point I dread going home when the SD is there and it is MY HOUSE. When they pull up in the driveway I feel all the air sucked out of the room and think here we go.

Accordn2L's picture

Keekeedee I have thought about this too! Right now we have her 50/50 but her mother is due to give birth to baby number 3 by baby daddy #3 anytime so I keep waiting for DH to tell me SD is coming to stay full time. Or what if she gets older and he lets her move in with us and she never leaves!!!!!! I'm thinking of drinking bleach just having that thought!

Patsy's picture

Take both of their chore charts down and make a new one for your DH with all of them on it. Make sure you make it so brightly colored he needs sunglasses just to read the damn thing.

When he asks why then throw all of the excuses he gave you as to why his daughter could not do her part and then tell him your daughter can't be expected to do hers either so he can do them all! }:)

I did this and guess what DH fixed the chore problem real quick! :jawdrop:

hereiam's picture

He's raising her to be a helpless victim

Ask him if this is really the life he wants for his daughter, to be dependent on a man. Because someday, it won't be just him, it will be some other man, any man. Maybe a lot of men.

Is he willing to stay single and be at her beck and call, and have a very dysfunctional relationship with her for the rest of his life?

Read the Adult Stepchildren forum. There are grown women who are married that still treat their fathers like husbands. They have no respect for their dad's wife, no respect for their own husband, and no respect for themselves.

Accordn2L's picture

Hereiam,

I have asked him why he enables her to be just like her mother who he can't stand? Whiney, always dependant on a man to take care of her, helpless, the victim. He stares at me blankly and says why would I say that about his daughter. REALLY?

hereiam's picture

That is not good, he doesn't even see what he's doing. Not good at all.

It's hard enough to get them to change when they can see what they are doing (even though they make excuses for it) but when they won't even admit there is a problem....well, that's a problem.

Patsy's picture

You can talk to him until you are blue in the face, but he isn't going to change a thing until he stops defending himself and his daughter to you. You have to make him see the problem. The best way to do this is for her to take all of the things that annoy you to him. Tell him you can't watch her when he is not around. Never be alone with her if possible.

Accordn2L's picture

I already don't watch her for him. I made that mistake a few times and it always turned out bad. I would tell her no about something and the minute he got back she ran crying DAAAAAADDDDDDYYYYY she was mean to me. Cry me a river