First Post, looooooong story.
Let's start off with how I met my fiancee. (I'm 28 and he is 36, BM is 32)
We both worked at a cabinet shop, I was newly single and admittedly on the prowl. I worked upstairs, building smaller cabinets and shelving units. He was my delivery driver. He had just moved back to Oklahoma after spending a year with his Father helping him set up his sugar shacks (ha! We harvest maple syrup guys...ok no more bad jokes).
Papa Fox drove up on his shiny new harley and MamaFox asked if she could get a ride to lunch and the rest is road dirt and history.
9 months after starting our relationship, our shop shut down and laid off 68 workers. I quickly found a job waiting tables, and Papa Fox has been doing his best to find work in his chosen field while doing day and temp labor through a local company. (While still paying child support, thank you.)
We found out in the interim, that while BM knew and approved, he was leaving to help his Father for a year and even had it approved by his lawyer while still paying child support, BM claimed abandonment and the state terminated his parental rights. He did tell me this, and I did some fact checking of my own, and confirmed the above situation.
I found out later, she did this at the request/demand of her current husband. Cue the last two years of run around, he has seen his children twice since all this happened.
Last month we find out after a teary phone call that BM has Lupus, Hep C and was also diagnosed with BPD, and the Doctor told her she won't live to see 40.
Cue last weekend. I met BM. I had only ever talked to her and the kids on the phone, because of her crazy husband. Papa fox and I were making our way out to go catch a midnight movie and she accosted us at McDonald's.
She was drunk on her way home from a concert, driving no less, while her sober brother in law was with her, and no he wasn't driving. We called her husband to make sure the kids were at home and safe, and found out they were with her parents for the weekend.
The next hour or so, was spent with this drunk woman laying her head in my lap crying about all of the above. Tearfully asking me to take care of her first love and children when she passes away, telling me how she knows I will be a good Mom and all the things she won't ever get to be. That she filled divorce and won't be able to take care of all the kids (5 to be exact, only two are Papa fox) and she wants the one daughter (nether dh's or her husband's child) and both of Papa Fox's bio-sons to stay with us.
Needless to say Papa fox and I have no idea what to do. She has said she filied for divorce, but we haven't heard from her in a week come tomorrow.
deleted because while I was
deleted because while I was typing you re-read LOL
Not got any advice for you OP, sounds messy and well. I guess all you can do is try and avoid the BM as much as possible and start building relationships with the ss's just in case she really is sick.
Uh, what? They have been
Uh, what? They have been divorced for 5 years.
Ha! No worries. It happens
Ha! No worries. It happens
Yeah we have his new attorney
Yeah we have his new attorney on stand by waiting to see what happens, if she actually files for divorce, those kids will be ours. She has no marketable skills honestly. She was a stripper at one point in time and Papa Fox says that was the only job she had during their marriage.
I'm just...kind of freaking out at the possibility of having no kids to having full custody of three step kids .
Maybe I should read up on
Maybe I should read up on BPD, thankfully most of my family is relatively normal, so I have never dealt with anything like this...
Yeah FDH pretty much sat there like a bump on a log the whole time. He got a hell of an earful when we got home, and I'll admit to still being irritated about the whole situation. Though, I know he really had no idea what to do either.
Your boyfriend can ask her to
Your boyfriend can ask her to tell the doctor in writing that doctor can release his diagnoses to him so he can help prepare for the disaster. Of course if she refuses boyfriend should put serious doubt on this whole situation.
Three step-kids that have lost/are losing their mother. What a vision.
Your boy friend doesn't need an attorney if there is nothing to disagree about. If she's dying I would assume she's not going to be making unreasonable demands that would drive him away from taking care of the rest of her brood. I think hr can use the money elsewhere.
You really should re-think this relationship. You're going to be a working mother of three kids who are going to resist most of your parenting because they'll think you're trying to replace their mother.
If your boyfriend were here my advise to him would be to hire a mature babysitter who can be at the home from the time they get home from school until he gets home from work. Secondary he can plop himself fully into the welfare system and be at home himself. The children will be eligible for Social Security when she dies until they turn 18 for a start then add the housing subsidies, food stamps as it used to be called, and just general welfare. From the stories one reads he'd do better that way rather than trying to find work as a delivery driver. Plus his kids need him and don't need to see him replacing Mommy at this stage of their suffering until they're out of the house themselves.
Nothing personal but you could be more of a hindrance to him and his kids than help. Brutal I know but its a brutal situation.
Run. Now. As fast as you
Run. Now. As fast as you can.
Seriously, BPD is not something you want to deal with. For all you know she isn't dying, or have any diseases. It could have been the booze talking. Next time, remove yourself from the situation. FDH married her. Let him deal with her bullshit.
Hmmmm.... I have thought this
Hmmmm....
I have thought this relationship through once or twice, but I honestly don't see how another source of income, besides being there to emotionally support my Fiancee, could be a hindrance.
No offence but your post seems sort of OT in a way, I mean really, would any of us choose to have our s/kids act like little heathens or resent us? Of course not. But that's what kids do most of the time.
And if BM really IS dieing, what kind of person would I be for leaving my fiancee alone with three kids who just lost their Mom, only because I *might* get my feelings hurt by children? The kids didn't ask to have a crazy, terminally ill woman as woman as their BM.
Oh so very true. I will be
Oh so very true. I will be asking FDH to request paper work proving she is sick as she says. Hell, seems like a good idea anyway to give that to our lawyer when we go to make the custody case.
Another thought, The kids
Another thought,
The kids have always been super respectful to me. Ss14 and I even trade books back and forth on our kindles (classics like the three marketeers, I always ask his Dad first). I'm not saying I expect either of them to be super happy Disney perfect kids if they do in fact come to live with us 24/7, it would be foolish of me to think that.
(Eta: Papa Fox is a Heavy Equipment Op. He just happened to be the delivery driver and installation Lead at our old shop)
Get custody of your Skids and
Get custody of your Skids and count your blessings that XW/BM will not be around to polute the kids with her toxic crap or terrorize your family.
As for BM's children that are not your DH's .... take them if you want them but the fact is ..... not your or DH's kids, not your problem.
Toxic breeders like your DH's XW never think about the consequences of their uncontrolled spawning and sadly whether XW survives or not it is her children that will be the victims of her bullshit.
BM's ex's DH claimed cancer
BM's ex's DH claimed cancer when she was running around on him with other men. It was his way to keep her. Only God knows why any man would want the psycho b*t@h. If it's true, sounds like you have a long road ahead raising children who have had a rough start. See yourself as a sort of foster mother from here on out I suppose. Get resources in order such as counselors, doctors, psychologists, family therapists. Nobody said it was ever gonna be all rainbows and daisies.