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Am I an awful person...

jaxon_82's picture

My husband and I have been together for a little over 3 years. He has 3 daughters from a previous marriage; twins that are 10 and a 7 year old. I have always cared greatly for them and been an active stepparent as my husband works a lot of weird hours. We only get them every other weekend.
When I became pregnant with my first child last February, a lot of ppl told me that my feelings would change towards my stepchildren, but I was adamant that I would not let this happen. At 20 weeks we found out that my daughter had a kidney issue and that she may or may not have her left kidney once she was born. The rest of the pregnancy was monitored very closely to see how everything else developed. Luckily she was born healthy and with both kidneys (however will need surgery on the left one eventually)!! Once she was born my entire world changed!! My perspective of life was totally different and unfortunately everyone was right and my feelings towards my stepdaughters had changed has well. I was a mess the first couple of weeks with baby blues and did not want them around her at all, but hide this from them and gritted my teeth and let them hold her. After about a month I was getting better and better letting them around her, then the unimaginable happened!
My daughter (5 weeks old) went from perfectly fine one afternoon to not breathing, me calling 911 and administering CPR on her nearly lifeless body. She had suffered an acute pulmonary hemorrhage (bleeding in the lungs), which put us in the hospital for a month. After running every possible test they could think of the doctors were unable to explain why or even where the bleeding came from! She is now 5 months old and doing great! You would never no how close we came to losing her, she is an amazingly strong little girl, however due to the fact that the event was left unexplained there is always the possibility that it could happen again  So we (mainly me) are trying to keep her as healthy as possible. So with that, now my feelings about my skids are even more changed in the respect that i have so much anxiety about them being around my dd! I have gotten better and let them around her now but if I hear that one of them have been sick I will not let them too close during our weekend with them.
I am now feeling more resentment towards them, especially bc I had to return to work (full time) back in February of this year and even though we only get them every other weekend, my husband works 3rd shift and his off days are during the week so on the weekends we have skids he leaves for work around 730pm returns around 10am and sleeps from 10am until 4pm. So I am caring for all the kids all weekend alone and I feel like they take away my time with my dd  I feel bad feeling this way but I just do! I feel more now that they are “his” kids and not mine which he doesn’t like when I say “your” kids. But honestly, if we divorced or god forbid he died I would never see them again. So they ARE NOT my kids, they don’t call me mom b/c I am NOT their mother so why should I call them MY kids? Plus their bm is a total pain and causes drama. So much more to my story but don’t want to write a novel on here.
I want to know that I am not an awful person for these feelings and that others feel this way as well. Especially becoming a first time mom myself. I do love and care for them but now having my own and after everything we have been through I could never love them the way I love her .

ncgal1980's picture

You are NOT an awful person. What you're feeling is totally normal, as far as I can tell. I have two boys without any medical problems, and I STILL feel this way about my stepkids.

So if you're an awful person for feeling the way you feel, then so am I! At least I can say you're not alone!

I hope your little girl continues to do well. I was born with a birth defect involving my kidneys, too, and had to have surgery when I was two to try to correct it. The surgery was very risky, and I almost didn't make it, but without the surgery I wouldn't have lived much longer. I was in the hospital for two months after the surgery.

I can't imagine how hard that was on my parents, and there weren't even any stepchildren in the picture. Adding extra people - people that others just automatically assume you'll love as your own - complicates things WAY beyond what is normal.

Don't let other people tell you how you should feel. You know how you feel, and no amount of "fake it 'til you make it" or guilt is going to change that. If anything, having other people tell you how to feel will have the opposite effect, from my experience.

I'm dealing with this right now, too. My DH and I have been married for about a year, and he just assumed I'd take his boys in and love them as my own. He was fond of saying, "I really expected you to become, like, a mom to them." Well, they HAVE a mom, and it's not me. They can get all that motherly nurturing during their weeks with her. I have my own kids to look after and take care of, and I don't have the time, energy, or inclination to cuddle up to his kids. Sorry, I just don't. DH is finally starting to see that. He's not happy about it, but I think he's begun to accept it.

I wish you the best, and your daughter, too! Hang in there, and don't let anybody try to make you feel bad about any of this! You've got enough on your plate. Don't let them add to your stress!

jaxon_82's picture

Thank you all so very much! I had planned on talking to my dh about switching to a job that has friday/saturday off (he works for the railroad) it will pay less and with the large amount he pays in cs and medical bills now coming in this is why i havent yet. I mean it's not like they are awful kids or even really that much to take care of due to their ages, but i agree that they are not coming to see or spend time with me. I took too much off his hands from the beginning trying to be a good stepmom/spouse and am paying for it now, as i think he just expects me to be the one caring for them when they come. at one point he was going to take a job on the rr that would have him gone for two days at a time;until i told him that if he was gone on the weekend we were suppose to have the skids i would NOT be getting them. I know he loves them but i think he has just been so used to being an every other weekend dad that he does not WANT to be more than that. (he has been split from their bm since twins were 4 and youngest was 1).

Poodle's picture

Is there any chance your DH could change his shiftwork? I, like you, had a baby (and then later another son) with 3 quite young SKs coming regularly to us when my DH was on shifts, including night work. Clearly the BM felt she could not be expected to fit in with the shifts any more and the patterns they agreed continued as if normal working lives were going on in both homes. The net result was that I did a lot more parenting than I wanted to and, I felt exactly as you describe in terms of the change when one has one's own child and the protectiveness (altho mine did not have the serious issue your daughter does).
Looking back on all this now 15 years down the line with my skids now adult and my sons now 15 and 10, I do think the shifts DH worked coupled with the care of the skids made a huge contribution to the difficulties in our home life. I have proved that to myself lately as my DH has suddenly had the chance of working a more regular week. Though I don't have the skids round my neck any more the effect on our family life has been incredible, for both me and the boys we really feel like a proper household for the very first time.
So if you can prevail on him or he can prevail on his employers to get him better working hours, I would urge you both to think of that. And if, later, you come to a point where you want to disengage from your skids, you must be sure not to let his work patterns militate against that or feel pressured by them to assist him and the BM with their odd schedules.

valmont's picture

No, you are not awful. You are actually quite smart. I adored my first SD (she is my son's half-sister). She was very excited about her brother and loved him. When things didn't work out with her Dad and I, I lost all rights. I never had any to begin with, so I certainly didn't have any afterwards. I felt like I lost my own child. It is for your own benefit and their benefit that you keep a healthy distance.

And, I think most bio-parents feel guilty when it seems like we are devoting more time/attention/money to skids than our own.

valmont's picture

No, you are not awful. You are actually quite smart. I adored my first SD (she is my son's half-sister). She was very excited about her brother and loved him. When things didn't work out with her Dad and I, I lost all rights. I never had any to begin with, so I certainly didn't have any afterwards. I felt like I lost my own child. It is for your own benefit and their benefit that you keep a healthy distance.

And, I think most bio-parents feel guilty when it seems like we are devoting more time/attention/money to skids than our own.

jaxon_82's picture

So...I spoke with my husband last night about him changing his visitation time. BTW I would NEVER want him to leave the railroad it is a fantastic job just meant change jobs within the rr. Anyway, long story but we tried to take bm back to court to get shared parenting and more visitation, we started the process before my dd was born. After spending WAY too much money and having a shitty attorney, the pulmonary hemorrhage had occurred with my dd and we were in hospital when we finally threw in the towel on our whole court battle with bm. Mind you the choice to throw in the towel was all dh idea, I agreed of course but he was the one who said "we have too much going on with dd right now and we are clearly not going to win and cant spend anymore $ on this. So NOW when I spoke to him about switching visitation to his off days he said bm would never go for it (which is more than likely right) and we cant afford to go back to court to get it changed plus bm could just say "his job changes all the time on the rr; which is true his job does change a lot working for the rr.
Then I explained that I did not want to be the babysitter anymore. Which this clearly hurt and pissed him off. He shut down for a while and later I came back and made him talk about it more. He said he was mad because ever since dd was born I have been pushing skids further and further away and I knew he had them when I married him. I told him he was right and I feel bad about it but I did not know I would feel like this when she was born. I did not know what it felt like to have my own child until I did and everything just changed! I explained that the skids do not come to see me they come to see him and he should be there and if he cannot I should not always be the one to have to care for them and our dd. Plus, recently the skids have been manipulating both sides and telling lies causing drama with bm (again long story) and more resentment from me.
I told him that he and bm need to be mindful of what they tell me about what kind of crap the girls are pulling as I am the care giver every other weekend and it is creating more resentment that I don't want or need. I told him that he just will never understand what being a stepparent feels like and that it is a very hard balancing act. Plus it just makes things that much harder when the bm is such a pain in the ass causing more conflict creating more financial burden on us. I know it is not the skids fault but they are who I associate it with b/c they are who I see. I told him that its not as bad when they are actually here bc I realize they are kids and I do care about them but then they go away for two weeks and I forget. they become "the problem" because they are not right here to remind me. Its just so hard!!!!
So right now his suggestion is to tell bm that we are not having any contact with her UNLESS it is an emergency. And he will try and switch to another job on rr with Friday Saturday's off in the next month. We will see..hopefully it gets better but wow what a roller coaster blended families can be!!