Don't become a step!
Just don't do it. If you are married and have children; stay married. Unless there is abuse. It all ends up the same. Exciting at first; not so much later. Then you just have two people that, while not so 'excited', at least they still have a lot of memories together and a lot in common...like children! AND if there are children, grandchildren...they are YOURS! If your kid has problems; school, drugs...dang it! he is YOUR kid together. You can both baby him; be tough together; try to understand him; make him grow up; give him a million chances; remember when he was the cutest little baby...You won't be expecting some outside fool to feel the same way about your stupid kid! And when you have grand kids, you will both 'out of your mind' crazy about them together. You won't have to beat yourself up for loving your grand babies as much as you do. Yours, Mine and Ours was a cute movie. The Brady Bunch was a fun show to watch. But it's just not how it is in real life. It's just not natural. It goes against self preservation, basic human behavior. God had it right. One man/one woman till death do you part. Funny how God knows what is best for us. I am tired of being the odd guy out. I am tired of feeling unappreciated for what I have done. I am tired of being the only rational person in this group. I am tired of questioning myself. I am tired of it all. I would really like to tell them all that they are the weirdest bunch of people I have ever known. So dysfunctional; So smart and so delusional, such a skewed view of the past. So stupid but so cunning. So hung up on guilt. So wanting approval and at the same time, feeling neglected? and then one wanting to pretend that everything is just SO okay. Ughhhh! I can't take it anymore. I think it is time to scream! Again, I say, don't become a stepparent! Just DON'T!
I cannot agree with you more!
I cannot agree with you more! If I knew then what I know now....I am expected to dip into an imaginery savings account of love for the SD whenever she misbehaves?
AMEN! I believe this 100%!
AMEN! I believe this 100%! This should be on a billboard in every town (well…I guess it would need to be about 15 consecutive billboards)!
I've never seen something
I've never seen something make so much sense in a long long time! Where was this advice when I needed it 6 yrs ago?!
I sought out advice from friends and family about whether I should marry a man with kids and all of them said, "It can't be that bad, the kid is just a harmless little girl--at least you will have your husband." What a joke! The skid is the very reason why I'm now married and have no husband. SD has driven us apart. SD is growing into a mirror image of BM. SD is not a pleasure to be around and has caused us both so much pain and suffering.
I really hope someone will see your post and follow the advice.
If it weren't for almost
If it weren't for almost total disengagement on my part from my skids, my marriage wouldn't have lasted as long as it has...and that's not saying much. DH and I haven't even been married a year yet!
Their constant neediness, their learned helplessness, their absolute lack of manners, their demanding ways...UGH. And there are THREE of them. That, along with having to parent my own two kids every day, is just more than I can take sometimes.
I finally had to just step away and let DH know that I cannot be expected to be a mommy to all five of these kids. His kids HAVE a mom. I shouldn't be made to feel guilty or responsible for their well-being.
I hate to say it, but if I had it to do all over again, I wouldn't have married DH. I love him dearly - he's the love of my life - but everything turns into a damn nightmare every other week when the skids are with us. Every time I turn around, it's something with them. They're draining me of my desire to stay in this marriage. Thing is, they truly don't know any better. That's what they've come to expect from adults. If you're an adult, your only purpose on this earth is to bow to the whims of my skids, no matter how stupid their demands are. You're put here to serve them, and only them.
If I had a chance to talk to someone considering this path in life, I'd scream until I was hoarse, DON'T DO IT! DO NOT BECOME A STEP-PARENT! JUST DON'T!!!
Right there with ya.
Right there with ya.
hoggyboggy, I did that. I
hoggyboggy,
I did that. I threw my ring at him and told him, "Good luck ever having a woman in your life!". This was a few years ago and before we lived together. I walked out of his house and didn't talk to him for days. I finally answered the phone one day and let him say his peace.
Obviously things got better and we moved in together. It's not always perfect of course, but we've become pretty good communicators.
My husband is the love of my
My husband is the love of my life and I've imagined how empty my life would be without knowing him or having his love BUT IF I KNEW THEN WHAT I KNOW NOW. I WOULD NOT HAVE MARRIED HIM! My skids are 21 and almost 18 and it's not a bad situation but it will never end. The sometimes awkward moments. The guilt my husband feels for "not raising them" Even though he did. The fact that BM STILL calls my husband about the 21 year olds life (even though we are a part of it), etc…
Bottom line, they're not your kids TOGETHER and it's always gonna be a mess! My biokid is 25 and in a serious relationship with a man. Neither of them have ever been married and NO KIDS!! aaaaahhhh, so happy
I catch myself daydreaming
I catch myself daydreaming about my life as a single mom to my two boys, before DH and I got married. Life was much simpler then, and yeah it was hard, but not as hard as the life I have now. I struggled more financially, but just about everything else was better. I never dreaded going home, and I actually looked forward to things like vacations and holidays with my kids and family.
All that is gone now, and I almost feel as if I'm in mourning over it. It's like a death. The death of a life that was much better than I realized before I lost it.
My skids are older now but
My skids are older now but back in the day I almost left twice. My lifestyle would have drastically changed but I was okay with that…I would have worked 3 jobs and lived on mac and cheese (kids would have liked that) than to stay in the hell I was in!
I had a great marriage, so I chose not to leave either time that it had gotten really bad. It wasn't the kids for me it was BM. I decided that I wasn't going to throw my marriage away because of her and let her "win"
Time made things get better, which is the slowest, most painful way for things to get better!! lol I wish you luck! Hang in there
I'll stay because (1) I
I'll stay because (1) I really do love my DH, and we have great times together (mostly when the skids are elsewhere), and (2) I don't want to put my kids or his kids through the upheaval of another divorce.
I just have to find ways to cope, I guess. Disengagement is the best tool I have right now, and I disengaged before I ever even found this site and knew there was a name for it. I felt guilty for doing it at first, but I don't anymore. Not my monkeys, not my circus. I LOVE that saying! It gets me through a lot of crappy weeks and weekends with my skids.
Mostly I just look forward to weeks like this one, when I know I won't have to see them. Two of them are playing coach-pitch ball this spring, but I've made it clear to DH that I don't feel obligated to go to their practices and games. I'll go if I feel like it, and I won't go when I won't. He doesn't like it, but in a way I think he wishes he could make that same choice! Poor bastard, having to sit there and watch them flail around on a ball field for hours on end.
"All that is gone now, and I
"All that is gone now, and I almost feel as if I'm in mourning over it. It's like a death. The death of a life that was much better than I realized before I lost it."
OMG! You say exactly what I feel!
I used to live alone in a very nice apartment. Decorated the way I liked it. Clean, the way I liked it. Stocked with food no one ever complained about. When I came home from work at night, it looked exactly the way it did when I left that morning. I never heard anyone whine. Never. Not once.
There were no food wrappers jammed down the sides of my sofa. My antique coffee table (that belonged to my great grandma) was not covered with scratches and water stains thanks to people being too lazy to grab a coaster.
There were no piles of dirty clothes outside of the laundry area. No papers and other debris scattered around.
I actually thought I was lonely. I thought I would be happier living like this.
Signed,
The World's Biggest Dumbass
Now you're making me wish for
Now you're making me wish for the old days.
You just made me miss my
Oh GOD I miss my neat little
Oh GOD I miss my neat little house. No toilets left unflushed and peed all over. No dirty laundry in literally EVERY room of the house. (Sometimes I think they just strip off their clothes one piece at a time as they walk around and toss them wherever they happen to be.) No bullshit drama. Nothing beyond everyday stuff with my own kids.
Financially, I'm better off now, but in the ways that I feel really matter - sanity, happiness, simplicity, peace - I'm so much worse off now than when I was a "struggling" single mom.
It makes me so inexplicably sad some days. I cry and cry, and I don't have the heart to tell DH why.
A lot of this is exactly what
A lot of this is exactly what I've been thinking lately.
Thanks for sharing this.
Oh, definitely. My previous
Oh, definitely. My previous marriage was a freaking nightmare, but at least we didn't have all these extra people involved in it. Now I have an ex, DH, BM, my kids, and three skids. It's like Satan created a reality show and made me the star of it. BLEH
LOL loved that second
Hilarious! And sad!
Hilarious! And sad!
iamwhatiam - you saved one!!!
iamwhatiam - you saved one!!!
So you ended it? How do you
So you ended it? How do you feel about it now? I am ready to end it and get the BM and skid out of my damn house and return to be the "lonely" yet happy person I used to be.
Enough said,i totally agree
Enough said,i totally agree with you all !!!!!!!!!!!!!
Amen!!!!!!! I look at my SO
Amen!!!!!!! I look at my SO and it makes me almost laugh because after being a single mom for 9 years and learning to do any and everything that you would do around the house, I realize I don't really need this dude to be there. He is really sweet but BM took his man card years ago and hasn't given it back and now he lets his 8 year old daughter run him ragged.
Hear hear. My DH is the love
Hear hear. My DH is the love of my life, I was 35 when I met him and I can't imagine life without him and my two beautiful DSs, but given how much pain and trouble and stress his kid and his family (MIL, two SILs ganging up on me and my kids when SS is completely the problem) have caused me, I don't think I would have married him if I could do it again. How much is your sanity worth? A couple of years ago I nearly had a nervous breakdown and had to see a psychologist. I used to be trusting and caring, now I am cynical and am suspicious of everyone. I don't feel that the world is a good place anymore.
I feel envious of couples who are in their first marriage and they only have their own kids, they can go on holidays together and not have to get separate rooms from their kids, they don't have to get fully dressed to walk around the house, they don't have to watch what they say because one person's loyalties are not to you and it gets reported far and wide. Skids have issues that bio kids never will and YOU have to deal with them and YOU are the brunt of them and YOU get blamed for them even though you're doing your best. You're right, it's just not natural. I have never felt one shred of love for my SS, and I can't fake it. He goes to private school, has a Macbook, latest iPhone, Playstation and TV in his room, and it's never enough. He's never happy. And guess whose fault that is? Mine. According to him I am responsible for every tiny thing he hates about his life, even though he was eating the same crap for dinner every night when I met his father and now he gets a lovely house with beautiful meals every night, and his own room with ensuite and two sets of grandparents who dote on him and give him money, while my kids get ignored. My DS one day didn't even know his GODMOTHER'S (SIL) name, even though she lives 5 minutes away! But SS gets invited to stay and taken to movies etc all the time.
Don't even consider dating anyone with kids because if you fall in love, you aren't thinking clearly and you think that love can conquer all and you might actually consider marrying them. And then you are in STEP HELL.
I'm a SM for the second time.
I'm a SM for the second time. Yep, I made this stupid mistake twice. Not sure what that says about me.
But OH! I was in LOOOOVE! That fixes everything, right? My first set of stepkids wasn't so bad. These, though? Oh dear GOD. They're the messiest, rudest kids I've ever met. DH is trying hard to work with them on these issues, but every time they go back to BM's for a week, all the old habits are reinforced all over again. I feel like we're starting over every other week, and it sucks.
Now the skids resent me because they feel like I've messed everything up. DH was the Disney Dad before my wicked ass came along and made him man up and actually parent his kids. Now they have actual bed times (they never did before), have to eat healthy food, and say please and thank you. Oh, and they're usually expected to clean up after themselves, when before DH cleaned up after them.
All of this is my fault, and they really don't care for it, or me.
I went into it all gung-ho, SO in love with DH (which I still am, but it's not enough). My eyes were opened pretty quickly, though, and I disengaged within the first month of having to be around them every other week.
If I'd been thinking clearly before the wedding, I'd have seen this coming a mile away. Oh well, too late now. I don't want to put anybody through yet another divorce, so I'm stuck. It really sucks sometimes.
I love my husband but if I
I love my husband but if I had to do it all over again, would I have married him and the skid? Hellllllllll to the NO!!!
I have been a stepmom in two
I have been a stepmom in two marriages. It is significantly easier this second time because I married an older man and his daughter is grown. There are still issues...she tried to ruin our wedding, etc.
But being in my first marriage to my ex who was a NCP was pure hell.
It is NOT natural.
The worst thing is that it changed me into a woman I despised. It turned me into such an angry, bitter, resentful, jealous, sad woman. I had become a woman who secretly hated a child...who was utterly blameless.
I turned into someone I didn't recognize and certainly didn't like.
But you know what? My reaction was normal and commonly felt. It's an unnatural situation, and very few can navigate such a life without becoming damaged, warped, broken.
Now I'm a "BM" too...complete with a stepmom who rages about how crazy I am.
Let me tell you, fellow stepmoms, it's not at all easy or natural on the "BM" side either.
What a mess I have made by attempting to live this way. Stepfamily dynamics are like poison to the vein...same as a daily dose of arsenic to the soul.
I am new to this site and
I am new to this site and unfamiliar w/ some abbreviations so please bear w/ me as I adjust. This post scares the s*** out of me, as I have recently entered a relationship w/ an older man who has two boys ages 11 and 9. I do not have any children of my own yet. I really like this man, and he is probably one the best men I have ever been with as far as maturity, and the way that he has lived his life and the things he has going for him. He has been divorced for 7 years, and so far, his kids and I get along very well and the few times that I have met his ex-wife have been pleasant and not as awkward as I expected them to be. However, from the looks of this forum.... everyone in a step-parent position is miserable?? :jawdrop:
please tell me it isn't so.
Well, no. Not *everyone*.
Well, no. Not *everyone*. But don't go into it with rose colored glasses either - marrying a man with kids comes with baggage and challenges that you just don't have if you marry a man with no kids.
I, personally, am not miserable. I'd marry DH again in a heartbeat. But then, I also went into the entire relationship telling him, BM, AND the kids that I'm not parenting. Babysit on occasion if someone ASKS me? Sure. Offer opinions / advice / a shoulder to cry on if someone ASKS me? Of course. Commiserate with DH on the inherent stupidity of the average American teenager? You betcha. But I make ZERO parenting decisions - even something as simple as "Can I have some ice cream? gets "I dunno, ask your dad." I don't enforce bedtimes, do laundry, dole out punishments, or buy crap for Easter baskets. DH can do that. Now, that being said, I DO treat the SD's rather like favored nieces. I talk to them about their lives with no judgement (although they also know I don't keep secrets from my DH, so don't tell me if you don't want Dad to know), buy them birthday and xmas presents, all that. It also helps that BM is not psychotic.
I don't understand her, and I don't actually *like* her, but I don't hate her either and I'm perfectly capable of being civil. (Thankfully, so is she.)
I suspect most of the people here who are TRULY miserable are ones who have a major disconnect between their expectations and their DH's expectations. DH expects smom to parent, but not discipline. DH is a Disney Dad who lets the skids get away with murder and disrupt the smom's home. DH expects smom to love the kids like he does. There generally seems to be some variation on that. So I suppose the BEST advice you can get is, be on the same page. Are his parenting skills what you would like to see if he were parenting your bios? (In other words, is he a Disney Dad or not?) Are the boundaries he sets for the kids - and BM! - ones that you're comfortable with? Is his expectation of your role what YOU want? You really have to have all those questions answered before you can know if you'll be happy or not if you stay. And even then it sometimes doesn't work. (Sorry.) There are a couple women on here who were completely blindsided once they got married, DH suddenly changed his tune despite what he'd said and done when they were dating. (Or the skids suddenly went crazy jealous and DH refused to deal with it.) But being on the same page NOW is certainly a good start!
That is excellent advice!!! I
That is excellent advice!!! I was definitely blindsided after marriage about what DH expected of me as a SM and what I was prepared to do. We'd have both saved ourselves much grief and heartache if we spoke about expectations and boundaries before we married.
You are right...God had it
You are right...God had it right...