You are here

Ground the Skid or not ground the Skid, that is the question?

Midwest Stepmom's picture

Ground the Skid or not ground the Skid, that is the question?

So I am the SM with the lovely "Dog shamming BM", see other posts. Every other weekend ss12 comes over and DH asks him why he refuses to talk on the phone when he with with BM. SS12, in my eyes, gives lame excuses: he is just too busy with his bother and sisters, he doesn't want daddy to lie about mommy (BM put this in his head, dh is 100% against talking bad about BM in front of SS). This has been going on for 3 years!!! so now DH sits SS down and talks when he is here, SS agrees to a date and time that SS would be available to talk.

for past few weeks with this new plan, it still doesn't work. BM will send a voice recording of SS stating he doesn't want to talk (SS always sounds cheery in his message). Do we ground the Skid when he is with us for lying? I know this is also a classic PAS tactic, but when do you start teaching kids that they need to be accountable for their actions and when to stop believing in bullshit. If SS continues to allow BM to push him around he will have a rough life.

I know this because BM is just like my BM, I had to start calling her out on her bull at a young age. I turned into a strong independent person. the best thing I learned is if something doesn't make sense then its probably not true, and further investigation is needed.

this constant going back and forth as to "its the skids fault, its BM fault" is making me hate both of them. I want to toss in the towel and tell DH to never allow SS over here again because he is selfish. however, If I did that I would be giving up my marriage, and I love my DH to death, so that option is a fantasy that stays in my head.

Comments

oneoffour's picture

The child isn't selfish nor is he lying. His mother is selfish. Right now this boy is 12 yrs old and does what his mother tells him. HE cannot stand up to her right now and tell her "No! I want to talk to my Dad!" when he has another 3 days with this woman before he comes to your place. That could be pure hell.

The boy is telling you what you want to hear. Same thing with his mother although she adds the extras.

I would sit him down one more time and tell him that you understand how he doesn't want to upset either of you however the judge decided that it is only fair and right he can talk to his father during the week. And if he doesn't talk to his Dad then it will be noted and filed away whether he chooses to talk to you or not. Then if a judge ever asks if his mother stood by her promise to the court that she would make sure he talked to his dad during the week his Dad can bring out the folder with the days and time noted and if SS12 had spoken to his father or not. Dad isn't asking for an hour of his time. Only 10 minutes.

Midwest Stepmom's picture

And this is where we go back and forth as to what the real story is. But it is lying - Ss12 said he would answer the phone, and then he doesn't. It's allowing a child to make a promise and then break it. How do you teach this child right from wrong? How do you make sure he becomes a good person? And to stop make excuses. I am worried that he will become less then expected person that blames all his problems on his upbringing. My siblings do this now because they refused to stand up to our crazy Bm. I was the only one that did and I have become a very productive member of society. my siblings mooch off the system like our Bm.

It's difficult, we understand that BM is crazy. We are currently working on a black and white visitation modification. Not asking for anymore time, but eliminating all loop-holes in the wording. That's how crazy this women is. We are also requesting CO phone call with no interference.

simifan's picture

Your not talking about something as simple as saying he's going to take out the trash and then refuses or a promise knowingly broken. There are other factors and influences at play.

Even we here think that a BM that dog shames her child is crazy. How can you realistically expect a 12 year old to tell his crazy mom - no, I'm gonna do what I want? Even I know this woman will reign down hell on him. Would you want to live with someone like that? Much less someone who has power over you? Standing up to a parent takes maturity he does not have yet.

I think Dad should let this one go - but if talking to Dad during the week is so important - be the adult. Let Dad take it to court for mandatory phone time. Truth is regardless of what is right the kid is paying the price for dad's insistence in this issue. I do think dad should explain to him he is trying to take the pressure off the kid & this is his motive for giving up or going forward with court.

All things being equal & I'm stuck with a crazy person & you and crazy wants to vote you off the island. I'm all for it because, hey it will keep crazy from attacking me, ya know?

Midwest Stepmom's picture

I just don't understand why so many BMs are crazy. A lot of them have this complex of "this is my kid, I'm the only parent". My dh simply wants a good relationship with ss and she is blocking it. Why would someone do this?

Trust me, I understand survival mode when it comes to crazy BMs. But as a step child myself I also learned how to manipulate my parents off each other to always look like the victim/innocent one. Eventually I learned this was not right.

moeilijk's picture

You have to give up on BM completely. She is not normal and you will never understand the crazy. Maybe SS just isn't as smart or doesn't have as much character as you... or maybe he is maturing more slowly. But bottom line, I think a lot of the frustration you have with SS is due to BM's antics. And, from my (outsider's) pov, I think you and DH would be happier if don't allow BM to influence things anymore.

So, DH wants contact during the week but BM interferes. If SS knows DH's phone number and email then he can contact DH whenever he has the opportunity. DH can let SS know that he always calls BM's number at x time on Wednesday (or whenever) to speak to SS and will keep doing so until SS has his own phone. That way it is clear that contact with SS is up to the gatekeeper (BM) and all that can be done has been done.

It just isn't up to SS to talk to DH if the call has to go through BM. So whether or not BM allows the call to take place is 1. nothing you or DH or SS can control and 2. not something I would allow to interfere with my relationship with SS.

Just my $0.02.

Midwest Stepmom's picture

We want to ground him for telling dh that he will answer (action), then when he calls, ss with leave voice recording saying no (no action). Making a promise and not going through with it, or basically lying.

The banishing part I said was a fantasy. I think a lot of SM on here think this at some point. Most days I wished that I met my husband before he met BM. But that would make us 12 and 17

Starla's picture

Been there with my Skids back when they were that age and even though you want to teach him right from wrong, it wouldn't be fair for him to be punished for he would be in a no win situation thanks to his BM's ideas. Now when he is on your DH's time and is caught lying, than yes most definitely do take action.

I also remember being that age and grant my mom took us kids away from my dad but she too would punish us in a passive aggressive way when we wanted to have any contact with our dad. It was really confusing and I couldn't tell my dad about it.

I'd suggest that his dad lets him know that he can call him anytime and let him know that he is missed when he isn't there. He is young yet and to punish him over this could backfire bc he is still under her influence. I don't know why some BM's are like that but I do wish that they could see the damage they do instead of being fixated on being the only parent or the important parent.. :?

Midwest Stepmom's picture

No punishment has been done yet, we are still going back n forth as to whether if it's the right thing. Bm is exactly like the person Tog explained, she will get anyone to beleive that she and ss are victims of abuse and that ss is afraid of dh. When she didn't get her way on Easter she threatened to call the police on my 70 FIL because she was "afraid", yet she sat there for 2 hours earlier visiting. When she was younger, she called CPS on her own parents (dh and Bm come from a very small town).

It hurts me to see my dh upset everytime he is not able to talk to ss. Dh gets emotional upset when he talks to ss when he is here, about how important it is to maintain a relationship. So when I see dh upset, naturally I will be upset with that person, I have no connections with ss. I get upset that this behavior is going on (and it may be no fault of his own), and when ss comes over the first thing he asks: what are all the fun activities we have planned? I don't want to reward someone that causes this much hurt to my dh.

Like I've stated before - I've live with a BM like this. I know all the games and all the signs. But at some point the child has to speak up, otherwise this will just continue. If ss refuses to speak up and tells us what's really going on, we can't help him.

I'm emotionally conflicted.…

Midwest Stepmom's picture

No punishment has been done yet, we are still going back n forth as to whether if it's the right thing. Bm is exactly like the person Tog explained, she will get anyone to beleive that she and ss are victims of abuse and that ss is afraid of dh. When she didn't get her way on Easter she threatened to call the police on my 70 FIL because she was "afraid", yet she sat there for 2 hours earlier visiting. When she was younger, she called CPS on her own parents (dh and Bm come from a very small town).

It hurts me to see my dh upset everytime he is not able to talk to ss. Dh gets emotional upset when he talks to ss when he is here, about how important it is to maintain a relationship. So when I see dh upset, naturally I will be upset with that person, I have no connections with ss. I get upset that this behavior is going on (and it may be no fault of his own), and when ss comes over the first thing he asks: what are all the fun activities we have planned? I don't want to reward someone that causes this much hurt to my dh.

Like I've stated before - I've live with a BM like this. I know all the games and all the signs. But at some point the child has to speak up, otherwise this will just continue. If ss refuses to speak up and tells us what's really going on, we can't help him.

I'm emotionally conflicted.…

Midwest Stepmom's picture

No punishment has been done yet, we are still going back n forth as to whether if it's the right thing. Bm is exactly like the person Tog explained, she will get anyone to beleive that she and ss are victims of abuse and that ss is afraid of dh. When she didn't get her way on Easter she threatened to call the police on my 70 FIL because she was "afraid", yet she sat there for 2 hours earlier visiting. When she was younger, she called CPS on her own parents (dh and Bm come from a very small town).

It hurts me to see my dh upset everytime he is not able to talk to ss. Dh gets emotional upset when he talks to ss when he is here, about how important it is to maintain a relationship. So when I see dh upset, naturally I will be upset with that person, I have no connections with ss. I get upset that this behavior is going on (and it may be no fault of his own), and when ss comes over the first thing he asks: what are all the fun activities we have planned? I don't want to reward someone that causes this much hurt to my dh.

Like I've stated before - I've live with a BM like this. I know all the games and all the signs. But at some point the child has to speak up, otherwise this will just continue. If ss refuses to speak up and tells us what's really going on, we can't help him.

I'm emotionally conflicted.…

Midwest Stepmom's picture

I-m so happy ugh stupid computer I-m so happy

A lot of the advise has been helpful, that's what I came here to seek before taking any action. Some messages (that get sent to me privately) are not nessicary. I think everyone that is going to respond to a post needs to read it 100% first. I came here asking a question whether to do something or not. Not saying that I've already grounded him - seeking advice from veterns.

I do not have any bios myself (not for another 5 days). So all this parenting stuff is being made up as I go. I've been in ss life since he was 4, but I was only 18 (not mature enough to make motherly decisions). Since then we have always had ss eowe, so it's not like a great bond has formed between us.

I'm not sure what we will do, I will have to sit down with dh, maybe even show him this thread so he can get an insiders view as well. Maybe grounding is not the solution, but maybe cutting out all the extra stuff we do is - going to movies every weekend, buying a new vidoe game when one comes out, spending a day at the theme park. My weekends are alway on the go when ss is here.

moeilijk's picture

I feel your proposed punishments for SS promising to take/make a call to DH during the week and not doing it/recording a message for BM to say SS isn't available is a bit extreme.

You guys are setting SS up to fail, so he will. If you are genuinely interested in teaching him about integrity and honesty, take a different approach.

Explain promises, your word is your bond, etc etc. Explain how people rely on others to be speaking the (somewhat) truth. Explain how consistently saying what others want to hear instead of the 'truth' leads to a lack of faith in relationships.

Give SS the room to call or not call. Stop making this a fight for BM to use SS as a tool and for SS to break faith with you guys. Give him this opportunity to develop character. Teach him how to do his best in the face of adversity, how to be responsible, how to change his mind or opinion with kindness and integrity.

Of course there's no way anyone has the whole story, so this is just my perspective on what you've posted. So far, I think you guys are putting a huge amount of pressure on SS and ofc he's not going to measure up. And then the punishments see super-high.