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when they're gone

valmont's picture

My DF had full custody of his son since he was 12. I moved in 3 years ago. SS20 moved out last month.

DF is a Disney Dad. He never encouraged his son to make anything of himself. SS ruled the roost so much that I never thought he would leave. I'm still iffy about how he's going to survive on his own, as he is still receiving money from his Dad.

Sadly, I'm just happy that he's gone. It seems like maybe we can have a relationship now. We, seriously, are just starting a "you and me" courtship rather than "your son". However, it's impossible to just wipe the slate clean. SS is 2500 miles away, but that doesn't erase the resentment. I still know and acknowledge where I had been shafted by DF in the past. It doesn't exactly make me thrilled to pursue a relationship with him, given our new-found freedom.

Just something to think about for those of you "waiting" until the 18th birthday, waiting until they move out and having a false sense that your romantic life will be different. We have history with our partners, regardless, and there are many issues that need to be discussed.

I also welcome any advice that you guys might have to offer.

Poodle's picture

I know this feeling. The drama over the SKs can remove all romance from a partnership. I have no advice at the moment.

valmont's picture

Thank you for your response, Poodle. It does help knowing that I'm not the only one who feels this way. Thank you again.

Steppy MN2's picture

If someone knows how to erase all the resentment from always being put last and then being reminded again everytime a skid shows up or needs something (even though they have moved out), let me know. I just don't know if I can do it.

valmont's picture

I've had to put a very concrete foot down. I know that DF talks to SS everyday on his way to work. DF has been going through some serious empty nest syndrome. I do not feel guilty for not sharing his feelings. I feel guilty for having a DF who doesn't care about my feelings. I feel guilty for having a DF who has 5 siblings that he keeps in contact with, always updates them on his son but never even mentions me. I feel like, DF has plenty of other people to talk regarding his son. I don't need to be his go-to person, also. It might seem shitty, but I've made a rule that I will not discuss his son with him. I will not discuss those finances. I will not ship his stuff that he left here. I will close his bedroom door and move on with my life.

Like many posters say, this is not a normal relationship. It took me a long time to realize that I don't need to be DF's everything. He has made it clear that we are not partners, in many ways, and that his relationship with his son is intangible. Okay, it's *his* problem, not mine. I'm sure that he doesn't spend his time on the phone talking to his son about me, so why should he spend our time talking about his son?

Living day to day's picture

You have stated how I feel.... Always being put last.. And I am sure you contributed to your SS, whether it was cooking, laundry, cleaning, etc... Heck, mine can't even buy me flowers or take me to dinner because he "has no money". He'd have some money if he wasn't supporting his dtr. And let me tell u, she gets her nails done, buys wigs, buys new clothes every week, etc... She obviously isn't getting all that money to blow from working her 4 hour 1 day a week job. He actually had the nerve to say to me a few weeks ago when my younger son was camping for the weekend, " if u want to take me out to dinner, I'd like to go to 'such and such' place". I told him, " nope, those days are over that the only time we go to dinner is when I pay. It's your turn for a change."

valmont's picture

Exactly! I did do all of the chores and cleaning, everything around the house. SS did not work. He went to community college for 10 hours/week and DF said that SS would be comprising his studies if he took up any job. Load of shit, I know. He didn't drive and I refused to be his chauffeur. No matter how much DF tried to guilt trip me, "You should automatically want to help your partner." Yeah, buddy, you should also be a partner to your fiancee. Until that happens, we are not partners. SS couldn't even pick up dog poop without having a mysterious ACL injury. I have to hand it to SS, he certainly knows how to manipulate DF.

I refused to move in while I was still working. I had a part-time job and I wasn't making much. I certainly wasn't going to work so that DF could enable SS to be a loser. DF is barely making it, financially, to the point where he just got out of foreclosure. He makes enough money to pay the mortgage, it's just, you know, baby boy comes before paying the bills. Our electric bill, alone, is $300 less than it was while SS was living here. We were 85% higher usage than our neighbors.

I don't have a bad relationship with SS. I like him and we get along good. I text him every week to ask how he is doing. I just don't want my life revolving around him, like his dad's life has been for the past 20 years. I have to constantly remind DF that, yes, he is a father, but he is also a fiance as well. I, seriously, do not think he gets that.

thinkthrice's picture

"He went to community college for 10 hours/week and DF said that SS would be comprising his studies if he took up any job"

crock of ca-ca!

My son is in the AF reserves, goes to university full time (engineering, advanced calculus/geometry/physics) and has a job. Has most recently won a 22K scholarship--not a penny from me!

valmont's picture

Thank you for raising a well-rounded individual!

DF has said every excuse in the book to keep himself in denial. "All parents are responsible for their children, even their kids are still in college." Come on, the kid will further his education until he dies, so long as mommy or daddy are picking up the tab.

I'm not sure if parents understand how extremely horrible it is to spoil your children, not teach them responsibilities, reward bad behavior, then throw them into the real world without a clue. It's not doing the kids any favors. It seems very selfish.

I'm going to check out your book, by the way. I think DF needs time read it!

Steppy MN2's picture

yeh, it sucks! but great that you tell him that it's his turn to pay.............it gets old getting walked all over all the time,doesn't it? they never seem to get when the skids are gone, we are the ones that they have left but it sounds like his daughter isn't going anywhere cuz she's got a pretty good gig!
my DH said to me one Friday night, "well we can go out to eat tonight or Sat a.m. or Sun a.m., I have money to do one of those". Of course the very next weekend he blows $300-$400 for him and YSS to visit OSD at college. OSD who comes home to see BM but is just too busy to stop by and see DH for a even a few minutes.
Ugh!

valmont's picture

No, you are right and I completely agree with you. I don't think that a day goes by that I don't consider leaving, calculate all of the ways that I can go about doing so, and weigh all of the pros and cons. My DF is not a perfect person and neither am I. I don't live in a fantasy world where I believe that I will find one. Not every problem in life is an easy fix with a simple answer.

Sometimes it just helps to have other people in the same boat who can give an unbiased opinion. Sorry to say, but I don't see how insulting us is going to help.

Steppy MN2's picture

I agree Valmont, we need to have a welcoming place to voice our issues without others criticizing! And if we want to vent, we vent. Life isn't always simple and black and white.

Silent River's picture

Wow, Sue2, that was a little harsh. I actually left ST a while back because I was shredded by someone who really did not fully understand the entire story. I came back several months later with a new name because sometimes I just need a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on.

I came from a family that went back many generations "traditional family" and although I tried to prepare reading articles and Ron Deal's Successful Stepfamily...nothing, nothing could have prepared me for being second fiddle, Disney dad syndrome, being outside of blood bond alliances, and being married to someone who doesn't have my back in parenting...oh, and the ongoing financial drain long after they are gone...I would NOT recommend blending, ever. Single parenting is one step below treditional but blended is SOOO painful and hard.

valmont's picture

That's why I'm here. As the slogan says "a place where stepparents come to vent". It makes me wonder what exactly Sue is doing here, as she obviously can not relate to the tremendous issues that we all face. I'm thinking she's either a disgruntled BM or just a miserable person, in general, who has nothing better to do than childishly berate strangers on the computer.

I've only been using this site for a few days and it's already helped me and my relationship so much. I find that venting here, having support and understanding people to chat with helps to clear my head. We, literally, live in worlds where we feel extremely alone and I'm so grateful to have found this site. Shame on Sue and I hope she looks at herself in the mirror before she decides to judge others' lives. People like her are not worth you or me or anybody else to leave or fear posting in the future. It's best to just ignore her, in my opinion.

Onefootout's picture

My SS is 17 and lives with us full time, and is possibly going to fail to launch. But then again he might just up and leave too. Who knows. What I wonder about all these comments is that once the kid leaves, I no longer have him to blame for our relationship problems.

I can understand why a dad who wasn't interested in dating while the kids were home wouldn't be interested in dating after they leave. Some dads hide behind their kids so they don't have to do the hard work of maintaining a healthy adult relationship. Ive been down that road before.

I've pretty much insisted that SO and I go out on a date on Saturday night. Not any other night. Ive insisted on being the priority on Saturday night. And fortunately SO is actually okay with it. SS17 used to scowl and be jealous when we went out on dates and I told off SS and put him in his place. He needs to get his own friends if he wants to go out.

Anyway, for all our problems, SO and I spend a fair amount of adult time together. We just finished planting flowers together this evening. SS stayed in his room on his computer as usual. I know I can always get time alone with SO if we do things outdoors because SS hates going outside or doing anything that requires moving his body.

My hope that if SS leaves, SO and I wont be left with all these unresolved problems that were put on hold by hyper focusing on my relationship with SS.

valmont's picture

You touched on something that I had been thinking, also. Maybe they hide behind the children because they are scared to start another relationship or don't know how to have one. I can totally see that as a defense mechanism. Thank you for mentioning that and for sharing your story.

Silent River's picture

It's hard to process the hurt of being second best, after they leave. And, they will always remain in the "background"...

If I didn't have The Lord, and my dogs...not sure I could survive the pain. :,(

AVR1962's picture

I do understand. There was so much tension between husband and I over his sons. husband wanted to allow the boys to do as they wished, he would not step to the plate and actually parent them. I always thought that once they were gone then we'd have our time but in stead by the time the boys were on their own there was so much resentment on my part I didn't want to spend time with my husband anymore.

Poodle's picture

This is a nice idea. I'm in a hard place at the moment with DH doing his darnedest to attack me for disengaging even further than before. He is constantly verbally lashing out in anger and seems to actually enjoy accusing me of having a bad attitude to his son, which is a point he has never openly got to before. This is because I have clearly demonstrated no interest in his son and set out that I want the SS22 to live independently of us. I have just now been feeling I was only staying in the marriage for my boys' and home's sake (15 and 11) but the idea that bringing up the bios together with DH will be "soothing" (once he calms down) is helpful to me as a new way of looking at things.

dadsnewwife's picture

Dh told me before we ever married that if I ever made him choose between him and his kids, I'd lose. He was single father who has an overwhelming feeling of obligation to his youngest son who was only 4 when he got full-custody. That 4 year old is now 21 and only been 8 months clean/sober. He totaled his car 3 years ago when he was high, so now he lives in a safe house and has a part-time waiting tables job at a restaurant. Sometimes he can't find a ride or the bus isn't running late at night, dh has gone and given him a ride...not close to our house (it takes him an hour to get him, take him home, then come back). I say, HE was the one who totaled his car, NOT us, and now he pays the price. Dh even plans on buying him a junker car soon, since he's doing "so well". UGH I've washed my hands of this kid who lived with us up til last Fall and practically destroyed our marriage (along with dh's enabling). Dh was out of town last night on business and when he called mentioned how poor SS21 would probably have to walk home in the rain since HE wasn't there to give him a ride. I quickly changed the subject. NO WAY was I gonna even offer! For 3 years I helped give rides, but no more. SS21 made his bed...now he lies in it, I say. I told dh I've disengaged and am better off for it! He doesn't like it, but accepts it. Oh yes...I've heard many times.."You hate my kid." Yes...the resentment remains of how this kid almost tore us apart. Luckily, dh and I are happy empty nesters again and the romance continues. (We've been together 5 years, married 3, so no...I did not raise any of his sons...thank GOD.)

sandye21's picture

This happened in my marriage too. I finally got to the point where I didn't care whether we got a divorce or not, told DH he was free to leave. That was 3 years ago, and I have to tell you it gets better for you, maybe not so much for DH. Last week my DH recieved the first birthday card in over 3 years - SD was angry with him (I think for staying with me). I thought I would feel threatened if SD wanted to reconnect with DH - not the case at all! Because in that three years I learned to value myself.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

I think a lot of growth and self-love comes once we have nothing to lose. I reached that point too - didn't care if DH and I stayed together or not. Once he realized that I was DAM serious and would walk if the BS didn't stop he started trying. NOw there are a lot of bad years under the bridge so it will take many years to recover, if we ever do.

Every day is a challenge for me not to look at him and replay all the nastiness that I went through.

I am still prepared to walk if things heat up as bad as they were and I think he knows it.