Activities
Ok maybe Im just complaining but how do you all handle activities with EOW step kids? Does your SO go to all their kids things, even when they dont have the kid? my SS7 was just signed up for soccer by his mom and its every single saturday from 11-1 for the next however many weeks - dad and mom dont know/havent told me/arent sure, etc. So i just figured we'd go every saturday that we had SS... but now i find out that my H wants to go every single saturday. which means even on our kid-free weekends, we will have to go and spend 3 hours doing that (half hour drive each way), seeing BM (ughh)and not being free to do whatever. and i know youll all prob say that i should just let him go and do my own thing but we only get 2 days a week together cuz we work different shifts, so we hate to spend any of that time apart, and i know he'd be hurt if i told him i didnt want to go. I realize its probably shitty of me in the first place to not want to go but come on, every flippin saturday??
DH attends what he can for
DH attends what he can for his kids weather it is his on week or off week. Sometimes his work schedule makes it difficult for him to get to everything, so I know he tries to when he can. If SDs ask me to come I do my best to come, if they don't ask and it's early or cold, I usually let DH go on his own, if it's middle of the day or evening, I usually go with DH and just make it part of our spending time together. DH and I are pretty laid back though, we don't have to be "doing" anything specific to have fun together, we just enjoy each other's company and I enjoy getting out of the house.
Even if you could give a rats behind about soccer, maybe go out to lunch with your DH before or after, find something fun to do wherever the soccer is if it isn't right in your neighborhood.
As a BM answering this, I think it's really beneficial for kids to see their parents supportive of their extra activities no matter whose time it is. I will say, though, if the parents are high conflict and cause scenes then the opposite would be true and the kid would benefit by having whoever's time it is there only.
I'm in agreement here. My dh
I'm in agreement here. My dh and I have eowe without my three and skid but I certainly plan on attending my children's events and activities when they are with dad. They are always my children and I am interested in seeing how they do and watching them whether it is my "parenting time" or not.
My ex does the same. If for some reason the custodial parent can't get the child to the event or make it due to other family plans, we also notify the other to ensure they 1) don't show up if the kid is to coming and /or 2) see oh the non- custodial parent is attending and can bring the child.
With ss, it's an entirely different story. His bm will not bring him to anything during her weekends so I've stopped enrolling him. She is non-custodial, eowe so she probably feels very much like you - that this is infringing on "her time".
SS15 did martial arts for a
SS15 did martial arts for a year. He enjoyed it and actually was very good at it, but he only made it half the time, when he was with us. DH brought him. I'd go sometimes, but only if I felt like it. (This is the martial art DH, BS and I all do, so it was fun to watch.) DH never expected me to take him, and the only time I offered was once when DH had a late meeting and wouldn't be home on time.
BM took him for maybe the first month, then couldn't be bothered. Unfortunately, SS wasn't allowed to continue due to his inconsistent attendance. It was too bad. DH never went when BM took him.
I can see how your SO would want to go to all kis kid's sports things since he only gets to see him EOWE. Taht being said, I can totally understand why you wouldn't. Would he really be upset if you did your own thing? Is this just for the season of the sport, or does the kid do sports all year round? It would get old fast for me if it was all year round.
BM is high conflict, easy to
BM is high conflict, easy to upset and has crossed way too many lines with me and I pretty much cant stand her now. Shes still extremely bitter towards my DH, and does not really respect him or our relationship. so yeah, being around her/having to hear from her is REALLY not something I want to do every stinking weekend.
I dont know how many weeks this is, but i know that its not year-round.
My SD didn't like when her
My SD didn't like when her mom and dad were together at sporting events it made her uncomfortable. Does your SS even want them both there? Does the BM plan on coming to the games when you have SS? Personally I would have hated to have to go to all of the games with BM there. I was thankful SD told her dad she didn't like when they were both there. I know my DH was truely going to go to all of SD's just because he has a fit if he misses any of DD's games and even practices for that matter. However, I thought a lot of the inlaws showed up just to say they were there, for show if you know what I mean.
yes, BM will be at every
yes, BM will be at every game. AND her parents too, who are meddling nosey people, and have been horrible to my DH over the years.
the thing is, if I let him go alone, BM will see that as a rift between us and get even more ideas in her head. maybe this is immature thinking on my part...it probably is.
Of course he is going to want
Of course he is going to want to go to EVERY game. Most parents do. And he will for the next 11-ish years. It is his child.
That is probably one thing you will have to suck up. Either make peace and go with him, or back out of some of the games.
If it was my kid...I would go to EVERY game. If it was my skid...I would go to a game or two and that is it.
In my situation, my husband
In my situation, my husband attended my biokids stuff and I attended the skids. I thought that was fair. BUT if I didn't want to do it from the beginning, I wouldn't have and wouldn't have felt bad about it. Gotta do what works for you!!
Could you explain to your DH
Could you explain to your DH that whilst it's really important from his pov to strengthen his bond with his child such that he can get benefits from this experience which outweigh the contact with the toxic BM and ILs, for your part the damage from meeting these people is so high that you as a non-related person don't have the same need to sacrifice your peace of mind? When the person the skid wants to see cheering on the sidelines is not you anyway? If you manage this conversation ok then you escape feeling you have to go to the events and you also pave the way for other times when you may need to keep a distance, whilst educating DH that it is not so easy for you to face this kind of hostility without any payoff. DHs often assume we are happy to make the same sacrifices they are because they think we get the same rewards. Dumb, but common misconception of theirs.
If you wanna go with him to
If you wanna go with him to the skids game to spend time with him and support the skids, then go. But if you dont feel like going, don't. Most parents like to attend their kids sporting events to support them. bottomline, accept that he wants to do this the duration of the season and go with or go do something you want to do for yourself, or hang out with fam or friends.
I'm sorry but Dad needs to be
I'm sorry but Dad needs to be there, leave him alone about it and either go or don't go without making a fuss. This is what happens when you marry a guy/gal with kids. They come first.
Use your time at home to do the things you normally would do without him anyway such as grocery shopping, laundry etc. Whatever lone behavior you engage in on a weekend when his kid schedule didn't interfere in the past.
thank you! child-centered
thank you! child-centered society is right! my parents never went to all my games either, and i dont remember feeling sad/upset about it even once.
in any case, I told him I would go (not that he even asked if i would, he just assumed I would because he wants to), and that I fully understand/support why he wants to go, but explained why I am not especially thrilled about having to be around the toxic ex every weekend for who knows how long. I just want him to understand that, and he said he does.... but i know that he definitely doesnt get that I do not really care if i see the child play soccer or not, that i really get nothing out of it, aside from stress from BM and her family. BUT i will go to spend time with him.
DH and I go to lessons or
DH and I go to lessons or practice that occur during our time. We attend any games or performances that occur, regardless of who's parenting time it is. BM only goes to activities (practice, lessons, games or performances) during her time.
My OH likes to go to all
My OH likes to go to all games/practices regardless of who's "time" it is. I go when I want to and don't go when I don't want to.
If you go, you and OH sit far away from BM and her crowd. Make this clear to him - it is a stipulation of you being there.
Also let him know that you are supporting him and there for him - and that when the season is over he needs to take you away for a fabulous couples weekend to say thanks
My dd's both do dancing (very seriously - 6 days a week, as well as comps and extra concerts and workshops - so often it's 7 days a week) Sometimes my OH comes to the concerts but most often not, just the big ones. And that's fine. I go - their father lives out of state so he's not around to go to things so I am there for everything - that's my job as a parent. I wouldn't appreciate my OH not respecting that I would want to be there regardless of who's "time" it was. So although I would love to have my skid free Saturdays I understand that when the skids are doing sports I have to suck it up. But then = I have also discussed with OH that perhaps just sometimes he can miss a game or two so that we can have some couple time (my kids are at dance all day Sat so we have all day free and it's our only kid free time - once a fortnight LOL)
DH goes to his sons' ball
DH goes to his sons' ball games and practices whether they're with us or not. I go if I feel like it, and I don't go when I don't feel like it. BM is always there, so I don't really care to have to chit-chat with her. Also, I don't like making my kids sit through hours of practices and games. His kids are on two different teams, so you have two separate schedules of games and practices - twice the fun. Ugh. Almost every night of the week, and every single weekend, somebody has a game or a practice. I encourage DH to go if he wants to, but I don't feel obligated to sit through every single game or practice. The skids don't care whether I'm there or not. When I do go, it's just to support DH and keep him company.