Need a man's perspective...
I'm curious & would like a man's perspective.
DH & I have full custody of children from previous marriages (2 each, none together). Three of the four are well behaved, follow the rules at home and school, and get along great. The 4th child who is 11yrs old does not follow the rules for home or school & can not get along with the other children in the home or children at school. There is a daily issue (rather it's home or school) with my SS11. After 6yrs of trying to help parent SS11,I try to give DH the opportunity to deal with SS11 himself if he is home. However, when DH isn't home & I bring up an issue for DH to handle when he gets home he gets angry with me instead of SS11. He will have an attitude towards me for days while acting as if nothing is going on towards SS11 Why is that?
I'm not a man, but here's my
I'm not a man, but here's my take on it:
Why does he get mad at you instead of SS11? Probably because he wants to vent his frustration, and he feels it's "safe" to take it out on you. Sorta like kicking the dog after coming home from a hard day at work. He's frustrated with SS11, and you just happen to be the closest target. He's shooting the messenger.
If SS11 really has that many problems, on a daily basis, and it's been going on that long, it sounds to me like HIS DAD isn't doing enough to effectively deal with them. What does your DH typically do when SS11 gets in trouble? If he's like my DH, he'll just go, "Oh SS, now don't do that again, mmmkay? Thanks buddy!" That's about all the punishment my stepkids get, typically. Then he's just AMAZED when they turn right around and do the very same bad behavior! He never lays down the law with them, and they know they can get away with just about anything at our house, because DH won't actually do anything to stop it.
I'm disengaged, so I don't get involved in my stepkids' bad behavior at all, as long as it doesn't directly affect me or one of my bio kids. I stay the hell out of it. That's their FATHER'S job to handle, not mine. If he chooses not to, that's on him.
Anyway, I was just wondering what your DH has tried over the years to do about SS11's bad behavior. Or does he just try to explain it away with an excuse? (My DH is really fond of that avoidance tactic.)
Excuses, avoidance, then at
Excuses, avoidance, then at my encouragment (when I am at my limit) some form of an actual punishment: taking away tv, video games, sitting in his room, writing sentences, as a last resort spanking. I will say, I have disengaged from anything to do with SS11 except things that directly effect me. I can't seem to win for loosing with this skid...when I was involved and try to handle his issues to help DH out, I was the bad guy...now when I tell DH "SS11 did blahblahblah today" I suffer for that. It's hard to disengage when there are three other children in the home that depend on you to make sure SS11 answers for whatever he may have done to them on any given day. }:)
Because he does not want to
Because he does not want to parent or deal with his child.
But why get angry with me?
But why get angry with me?
Short answer: You're an easy,
Short answer: You're an easy, "safe" target. He doesn't have the backbone to actually deal with his kid.
It's not easy, I don't cowar
It's not easy, I don't cowar down, there have been many days/nights that have been hours of argueing that finally turns into civilized conversation, that eventually ends in DH acknowledging he treated me wrong by taking frustration out on me...but it's a cycle we go through about every 3-6mos, all due to SS11.
many days/nights that have
many days/nights that have been hours of argueing that finally turns into civilized conversation
So he resolves issues with you within hours. And those issues only happen a few times a year.
Think about it from his POV, it will take him months, years, to resolve his shitty kid issues. And that's months of hard, thankless work.
Yes, you are the easy target. The easy fix. The easy way out as compared to dealing with the skid issues.
Tabby, I've never looked at
Tabby, I've never looked at it like that before. Thank you!
Do you have this issue with
Do you have this issue with DW regarding Skids?
Unfortunately, it sounds like
Unfortunately, it sounds like the SS11 has some issues and its not going to get any better in the teen years even if DH steps up. Best you try to disengage now and save your sanity as its hard telling your spouse how rotten their child was. My spouse thinks she only has the right to say he is rotten which I never say anyways. I wish you luck.
So is it best for me to
So is it best for me to completely ignore SS11, which seems to me what BM did, DH is doing...and let the chips fall where they may for his future? And what do I tell the other 3 children when they get in trouble for something and SS11 doesn't?
Unless its affecting your and
Unless its affecting your and your bios, you have to pick your battles. Disengagement has helped me keep my sanity. I only started when SS was 17. Should have done it years ago but I wanted to give the kid a chance but sometimes things just don't work out no matter if you are involved or not involved. You have no control over how some kids are going to turn out. You should explain to DH first what you are planning on doing so its no surprise and he will be expecting to pick up the slack. That conversation isn't a fun one though as they don't see what the issue is and that is their child.
I did tell DH I no longer
I did tell DH I no longer wanted the responsibility of raising SS11. I have backed as far away from him as possible with him living in our house. It's just those times that I have to tell DH something needs to be handled that it really bothers me that I endure the anger over something SS11 did and DH has to deal with. DH made a similar statement as you (when I told him I didn't want the responsibility) he told me I had to accept that "no matter what we do, SS11 is going to be the way BM is". I feel defeated by that statement, I wanted so bad to help SD12 & SS11 overcome their early childhood, and help them grow into productive, self sufficient citizen. By DH making that statement, I feel like he has given up on changing SS11, and now there is no one to teach him right from wrong. I believe that is our responsibility to society to raise our children and steer them towards a better life. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I am tired of being the bad guy for trying to do teach SS11 or trying to get DH to teach SS11.
I had the same issue for
I had the same issue for quite a while with my DH and with help from ST I was able to understand why he would get mad at ME for pointing out and expecting him to act on his kids shitty behavior:
He just didn't want to......well,many things. He didn't want to be the bad guy. He didn't want his kids to not like him. He didn't want to deal with it. He didn't want to be mean to them just because I was telling him to. He didn't want to be 'expected' to do anything. He didn't want to see his kids as anything other than perfect angels.
And so he would just turn the anger onto me because in his eyes I was trying to make him be mean to his babies. He has gotten over this thank the gods but I understand what you're going through because it was complete hell for a long time. It just took him a while to see it for himself and I hope your DH can do the same very soon.